No More Depression Please

Eventful day

Friday, December 2, 2005 00:09:01

FINALLY I recieved my phentermine pills in the mail!!!

And I had a consultation with Jenny Craig. I signed up for a year long membership...VERY Expensive. All the more motivation to work harder at work.

I've given everything I can give from my wallet...now it's time for the dedication.

But things that motivate me are...

1. A sexy little tattoo on my upper back when I get to half-way point

2. Pink hair extensions with my dyed black hair. Fringy punk look.

3. Buying clothes for the first time in half a year!

4. Going back to school.

So my plan is to take the phentermine pills with the Jenny meals, along with half an hour of exercise a day. I actually asked to NOT be shown my weight because I just realized I may be over 140 lbs, not 130 (which I thought at first).

But anyway, I started crying in the consultation room today. She had to give me a tissue so I could continue on. But seriously, I'd rather DIE than have to lose weight again. Thus the life maintenance plan.

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FEAR OF SCALE

Friday, December 2, 2005 00:02:03

I just realized I have an incredible fear of the scale. I haven't stepped on it since 6 weeks ago, when I weighed in at 135. I binged since then, so I may even be 140 or more. Sigh.

I'm only 5"2, by the way.

I should be sleeping but I can't because I'm having brain zaps. Note to self: antidepressants are no better than cocaine. AND they make you fat.

Since being plagued with depression a year ago, I've developed some oddly psychotic tendencies:

1. Fear of cell phone. The missed calls thing beeped so much that I just left it at home. It beeps now, but I hide it in my closet.

2. Fear of email (haven't checked in eons, and the very thought that the emails are piling up pushes me closer to insanity.

3. Weird sexual fantasies. I seemed to have awakened the SM'er in me. I have no desire to actually touch a guy though. Which brings me to the next odd tendency...

4. Considering asexuality. I can be like a plant.

5. Making my face bleed. I can't stop picking at it...I have literally 12 bloody scabs.

6. Not wanting to sleep.

BUT during my time of antidepressants, I had a chance to truly reflect on WHY I got so depressed.

I think I went over the top when I lost 20 pounds for the 20th f*cking time. I've never been free from eating disorders, and I guess it just dawned upon me that I never will.

*tries to stay awake because I also fear the particularly vivid withdrawal dreams*

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Still waiting for my Phentermine

Friday, December 2, 2005 00:02:02

I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. I'm going to give it another 2 weeks to arrive. In the meantime, I have my Stacker and Xenadrine. Funny thing is, I don't take them like I should. I've been half dying from all this effexor withdrawal. Blagh.

But I recieved some good news. I'm going on a cruise with my family in April, so I'll see how much I can lose by then. The trip won't be fun if I have to wear big baggy clothes.

I also have another motivation. For the first time in over a year, I'm beginning to show interest in the opposite sex. It blows my mind really but I'm tired of 'staying loyal' to the ol' ex...when he doesn't even know I'm alive.

*collapses back into bed with throbbing headache*

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