FEAR OF SCALE

I just realized I have an incredible fear of the scale.  I haven't stepped on it since 6 weeks ago, when I weighed in at 135.  I binged since then, so I may even be 140 or more.  Sigh.

I'm only 5"2, by the way. 

I should be sleeping but I can't because I'm having brain zaps.  Note to self: antidepressants are no better than cocaine.  AND they make you fat. 

Since being plagued with depression a year ago, I've developed some oddly psychotic tendencies:

1. Fear of cell phone.  The missed calls thing beeped so much that I just left it at home.  It beeps now, but I hide it in my closet.

2. Fear of email (haven't checked in eons, and the very thought that the emails are piling up pushes me closer to insanity. 

3. Weird sexual fantasies.  I seemed to have awakened the SM'er in me.  I have no desire to actually touch a guy though.  Which brings me to the next odd tendency...

4. Considering asexuality.  I can be like a plant. 

5.  Making my face bleed.  I can't stop picking at it...I have literally 12 bloody scabs. 

6.  Not wanting to sleep.

BUT during my time of antidepressants, I had a chance to truly reflect on WHY I got so depressed. 

I think I went over the top when I lost 20 pounds for the 20th f*cking time.  I've never been free from eating disorders, and I guess it just dawned upon me that I never will. 

*tries to stay awake because I also fear the particularly vivid withdrawal dreams*