Kaeliniams Continuing Journey

Homework.

Monday, December 1, 2008 00:07:15

Had my first appt. with a counselor last night - the Renfew center (specializes in eating disorders) couldn't accomodate my schedule, but got a referral through my EAP. Picked this person as she is very into yoga, meditation, eastern ideas, and specializes in addictions counseling, etc. Sounded like a good mix to me - as a Type A perfectionist who definitely does not take enough time to "get in touch" with my spiritual, zen side. Was a good discussion, alot of the background information. Actually, it is pretty amazing to me that given all of the dysfunction in my family (and my husband's family) that I have actually turned out to be, for the most part, pretty normal and successful! At the end of the session, she thanked me for being as open as I was and also gave me a homework assignment. I told her I was very good at talking (about my issues intellectually), and not quite as good at acting on them.

Anyway, here are my homework assignments, might as well work them out here.

Describe the "fantasy" of what my life would be like at my goal weight.

List some things that I like to do for fun.

Sounds easy enough, right? Well, I am a person who typically is WAY more consumed with taking care of others than myself, so actually, these will be thought provoking - especially the fun one, I mean EATING is fun, no?

So, I'll need to put some thought into this, but anyone want to join me on this "therapeutic" journey as well?

PS: If you REALLY want to join me, you may want to check on your EAP (Employee Assistance Program) benefits through work - mine provides 6 free counseling sessions!

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Thoughts From My 1st Week Back on JC

Monday, December 1, 2008 00:05:17

Not quite a week yet, but just wanted to give a quick update. Mostly for me, as I found that updating this blog was really good structure and accountability for me in the past, but also for those who can relate to my struggles, and of course my fellow EP'ers who have recently surfaced as well!

So, I went back to Jenny last Tuesday and weighed in at an all time, and unhealthy high, of 208.8. As I am so good at, I managed to beat my previous high of 203.2 - now if only I could beat the lows. At the risk of being considered a freak, I did bring my handy weight graph (pic in below post). That has been very powerful for me in coming to terms with how unhealthy my weight swings have been. In the last 10 years, my weight has fluctuated 70 lbs. THAT is just not normal!

I have been doing a pretty good job of easing back into JC world, I am really trying not to pressure myself or put too much energy into it....since I have a tendency to be all or nothing and super strict. I really need to strike balance between being on a diet, and just plain living a healthy lifestyle. Of course, I also need to lose a significant amount of weight too. I've eaten JC breakfasts every day and lunches most days also. Have only eaten a few of JC dinners. However, in the GOOD NEWS column, I have definitely been more aware of my choices and have made several good choices, to avoid something off plan, or just to chooose the healthy alternative. Here's a few positive things I have done in the last week:

Chose to eat JC breakfasts every day, including milk. Haven't had milk in way too long.

Bought and have eaten yogurts. For some reason, yogurt is never something I get real thrilled about. I tried the yoplait light - they have some neat flavors - pineapple upside down cake, cherry, apple turnover, etc. The thought of Dannon light just makes me cringe. Also, I really like the greek yogurts, so I will try to find ones that fit the JC milk guidelines.

On several occassions, I chose a healthy snack (carrots, peppers, apples, jello) over a less healthy one with full awareness that I am now eating healthy.

Have realized that I DO HAVE WILLPOWER when I choose to and can make the right choices.

Took the dogs for a super long 2 hour hike in the park on Sat.

Things are surely going in the right direction. Of course, there were several dinners off plan, and one in particular where I didn't stop with normal portions and had too much cake....but again, I am EASING into this. Have a long way to go and want this to be as painless as possible.

I have my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow night to talk about food, weight and eating issues. I am really looking forward to this!

Hope everyone else had a great New Years and is motivated for 2009!

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Thoughts on perfectionism and self-sabotage

Thursday, November 1, 2007 21:00:20

Well, in case you haven't noticed, I am definitely in an introspective, kinda "put it all out there" phase right now....really it feels like I am juggling so many thougths and feelings and fears all at once, and I know it doesn't all make sense piecemeal, but maybe if I put bits and pieces out there, eventually they'll all come together. Right?

I've been reading various articles on self sabotage (why, how to stop - NOT how to practice!) and control/perfectionism and how they relate to food issues. There are some interesting perspectives out there. Here's an excerpt from an article on How to Stop Perfectionism from Derailing Your Diet from www.thefitshack.com. Interesting stuff, posting here so I can refer back to it as needed!

Here are some points to consider when you find yourself in the grips of perfectionist thinking:

Think about how many years you have been using food for purposes other than fuel for your body. It is a habit, and until you have created enough new habits to replace the old, those old ones (and old emotional ties to food) will still rise up. Be gentle with yourself and recognize that you are working to change those habits, and one slip up is just that, a slip up. It doesn’t mean that you have erased all of the good that you have already done in the past week or two on your weight loss plan.

Look at this slip up objectively by writing it down. Write down exactly what you ate and how much. Is it really that much in the grand scheme of things? If you get back on your healthy eating plan immediately, have you really “blown” anything? On the other hand, if you choose to go the other way and hit the drive-through on the way home, won’t you be doing the exact opposite of what you set out to do: lose weight? Our bodies are amazingly adaptable and resilient and you can choose to allow this one slip up to just be a bump in the road while you continue back down the path towards your original goal of weight loss.

Recognize how you feel after eating the food. Do you feel guilty, shameful, are you putting yourself down for it, or saying that you were “bad”? Start right now by loving yourself through this slip up. Sit and breathe in the fact that you did it, ok, you did it. You are still the same person you were before you ate that food, you still have all of the wonderful qualities that make up the you that you are, and they have nothing to do with what you ate. This slip up has not erased any of your life’s accomplishments, and it has not taken any value away from the work you have already put into changing your health. Make the choice to not give it the power to derail you from your goal.

Imagine that you are already at your goal weight, how would you proceed differently? If you were already at your goal weight, maintaining a healthy diet and exercise program, and you ate the cookie, how would your thinking be different at that time? Would you still think you had blown it all, or would you instead think “well, one’s enough, I don’t want to regain any of the weight that I’ve lost”. Would you remember your accomplishment of reaching and maintaining your goal weight, or discount it as wasted work because you ate a cookie? Just like today, your current weeks of accomplishment leading up to a slip is not wasted time. You can get right back on track now, and keep heading towards your goal.

Review your motivation for losing weight in the first place. Have you written down why you want to lose weight? What are your reasons? Is there strong emotion behind them, do they truly motivate you? If your reasons are strong and you have written them down, then you stand the best chance of beating perfectionist thoughts and getting right back on track. Keep your reasons on a piece of paper or 3×5 card, easily accessible and with you at all times. By keeping your reasons forefront in your mind, you stand the best chance of not getting derailed from your diet and reaching your goal. I have found this technique to be the most valuable one for getting me back on track after a slip up.

My next step is to write down my reasons for wanting to lose weight.

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Proof.

Thursday, November 1, 2007 21:00:01

That I am a damn yo-yo dieter. Also, a completey anal and analytic weirdo! This is a general history of my weight since 1999, with some major blocks of time missing, but you get the point....huge variations, inlcuding peaks that reach higher and ugh, higher. I am visual, so it helps me to be able to see things like this, and also its a good slap in the face, proof, right there in gray and blue. On the positive side, it does show me that I am COMPLETELY able to change my weight when I put my mind to it.

So, have a JC appointment at the center in the same shopping center as my gym tomorrow night at 7:20 and am waiting for a call back from Renfrew for an appointment with a therapist. I imagine she, or he, will be able to tell alot about my underlying issues from this graph, huh?

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My First Step

Thursday, November 1, 2007 22:09:17

I have yet to call my JC center to make an appointment.....I am still deciding between my old center and a newer one in the SAME shopping center as my gym. Also, being so analytical as I am, I'm still trying to figure out which day will work best for me.

As I come to terms with being a serial yo-yo'er, I acknowledge that I have issues relating to food (lol) and I am going to not only adopt a healthly lifestyle and eating plan, but I am also going to seek out counseling on this issue. Something I have wanted to do for a long time, but never made time for - others who are caretakers will understand this - putting everyone else's needs before mine.

The Renfrew Center is a well known facility that treats all sorts of eating disorders and issues....and they are about 5 minutes from where I live. I called my insurance and I almost cannot believe it, but they are covered....and the first 6 visits are free, then just a $15 copay after that. This is a scary, yet exciting step, but my FIRST step is going to be to make an appointment, and start getting MYSELF the help I need!

Has anyone else sought out counseling to help deal with food issues?

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Week 1Million - Or it just feels that way!

Thursday, November 1, 2007 22:09:16

Since my last post I am sorry to say that I went to the gym only a few more times, and have again lapsed into very bad habits. I am heavier than I have ever been in my life, and am definitely feeling the burden of this on my 5'2" frame. Bending over to tie my shoes is a chore, how crazy is that? And crossing my legs, HAH not happening. I get winded going up stairs and am most comforted by cuddling up on the sofa and thinking about what to eat next. A LOONG way from where I was earlier in this blog, doing 4+ spin classes a week, dedicated to JC and a healthy lifesttyle.

What has been hardest for me is getting to that POINT, you know, the point where you decide that enough is enough and you are going to start to get back on track. I try not to force this, and usually it comes, but its not coming so easy now. I am also going to blog about my realization of being a true-blue yo-yo dieter, not a fun one.

So, I just spent the morning reading 12+ pages of motivational posts, from my 2006 journey with JC. Its amazing to read and remember how good it felt to be there. And, to see some old friends are back is fantastic. Another year, another opportunity to get back on track and feel good about ourselves!

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Talk about Long and Overdue - New Beginings

Friday, December 7, 2007 00:08:21

At least less than a full year, barely, has passed.

I'll spare all of the details for now. Crossed the major milestone of getting myself to the gym tonight. Using podfitness.com neat tool, I did the following workout on the elliptical:

38:30 minutes
3 miles
400 calories

A very long way to go again, but its gotta start somewhere. Best guess is current weight is right around the dreaded 200 mark. Only one way to go from here.

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Long Overdue Update!

Friday, December 8, 2006 00:06:17

I've been away for too long! Thanks to those who checked in on me.

So, last I updated, I had just begun my new job. Its been 4 months now
and I love it. The work is challenging, diverse and I am learning a
lot. The travel is a bit more than I expected - about once per week. I
don't mind the travel per se, I really enjoy being out of the office and
the variety of meeting new people and being in new cities. However, my
DIET has definitely suffered.

If any of you travel for work you'll be able to relate to long hours in
the airport (with very few good food choices available), and catered
meetings and dinners. Of course, I COULD always go out of my way to
ensure that I have healthy choices most of the time, but I'm working
hard, tired and the chicken parm and cookies smell so good!! And the
dinners out....always at great places and very rarely healthy! I also
try to never check luggage so I am limited in what I can bring with me.
For some reason, every time I step foot into an airport, I am starving!
Got to be psychological....for some reason I fear being on the plane
with no food available and starving. (As if I would ever really
starve!)

Exercise is also down. I used to get in my 4-5 spin classes per week,
that is down to a moderately consistent 2 on the weekends (as long as we
are home). Not good. Also, my legs used to be super toned from
spinning and my stomach was approaching flat. Not so now.

Now, this is not going to be a woe is me post. Its been 4 months and I
am probably up 10-15 lbs - as all of you know, its so damn easy to
"find" the lost lbs. I am not panicing but AM acknowledging that this
behavior has to change NOW. I had a "come to Jesus" talk with myself
last night. My new size 8 Lucky Jeans that I bought in March as a
special reward to myself are just about too tight to get away with now.
My new work suits are starting to get snug. I WILL NOT do this to
myself again. I will acknowledge that the fun is over, the time of
being carefree and careless and I will start making smart decisions and
doing the things that I KNOW I need to do in order to manage my weight.
Some of those things are:

* I will not treat every meal like a celebration.
* Dessert is not a requirement, especially during lunch
* I will CHOOSE foods, not eat everything that is there
* Just because there are cookies, brownies, cake, etc, does not
mean I have to eat them
* Every dinner on the road is not a special occassion, I do not
have to order steak every time I am in a steakhouse
* I will be realistic about finding time to exercise on the road
(many times just not possible, but SOMETIMES it is)
* I will use the 2nd gym membership that I purchased near the
office
* I will eat small portions, not eat until I am full. I will
remind myself that on JC all of the portions look small (and are small)
and that I ate JC food for 60 some weeks and did just fine, did not
starve.
* I can eat yummy things, but must stop at 1 serving. There is no
need to overindulge, even if it tastes good.

DH and I had a long talk about all of this last night. It seems like I
never really allow myself to really enjoy being down in weight for a
long enough time. Its as if I get complacent, or confident and think I
can "afford" to cheat a little. It feels so good to feel good about
myself and how I look and I should be able to care enough about myself
to continue to let myeslf feel this.

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Week 65, Day 7 - Or Where the @*&# did I go?

Sunday, December 3, 2006 23:06:20

Whew, exactly a month since I’ve blogged. Sorry to have stayed away for so long….this place is never too too far from my mind, especially the “friends” I’ve made and followed on their journeys here.

So, started the new job about 3 weeks ago – LOVE it! It is crazy busy and there is so much to learn and so many people to meet. It challenges me everyday, which is exactly what I need to stay productive and engaged. I had my first business trip last week to Chapel Hill, NC (beautiful) and Atlanta , and will be making probably about 8-10 more trips by June!!! Lots of travel with this job, which is new to me and I really like so far. Of course, it brings up the whole issue of eating on the road and having somewhat less control about what and when to eat.

The good news is that my weight has been relatively stable since Vegas. I went back to JC 2 weeks ago and had been down just a bit, which was surprising, but I’ll take it. I won’t be able to make it weekly, but I am going to try to go every other week. While I still NEED to lose the last 5 lbs or so, I also am focused just on maintaining through this new lifestyle.

I’ve had to buy a bunch of new suits and it feels amazing to like what I am buying and feel confident and good in my clothes. I am wearing size 8 petite or 10 petite and couldn’t be happier!

I decided to join another gym which is pretty much next door to my new office (which is too far from my gym to get to spinning classes during the week). This is a luxury, but I think a necessary one. I can be there in 5 mins, no excuses to not go, and best of all, the spinning classes are not crazy crowded like my gym. The bikes and instructors are totally different and will take some getting used to, but it is a small price to pay. Joining 2 gyms is definitely a luxury but I think it will just be another tool to keep me on the right track.

I’m struggling a bit with feeling hungry and snacking. And, at work, it is so busy that sometimes I just grab what’s there…and I definitely don’t have the time to leisurely sit down and enjoy my salad and JC meal like I used to.

So, consider me to be in a state of flux and transition. I’ll try to check in when I can and I definitely want to catch up with you guys and see how everyone is doing!

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Week 61, Day 3

Saturday, December 2, 2006 23:05:20

Ok, so, yeah, I fell off again. Shoot. It is.so.hard. Good habits are so HARD to make and so EASY to break! So, I missed 2 WI’s this week and last. I have been eating out way too many times and last week I missed all of my spin classes.

Granted, I have a lot going on in my life right now. The good is that I was able to negotiate more $$ from the company that made me a great job offer. Then at the last minute, I had 2 large pharmaceutical companies who wanted to interview me and make a quick decision. I decided not to go with one of them and the other is still up in the air. SO, I have been living in a state of flux, not really knowing where my next job would be, only that it would start on the 26th! I gave notice to my current employer on the 5th and finish work next Tuesday then head to Vegas with a girlfriend for 3 days – FUN!

At this point, I accepted the 1st offer – its with a great company and I’ll have great advancement potential so I am thrilled. One major factor is that this job will require a pretty significant amount of travel – 30-50%! I think that this will be a great change for a while, I really enjoy travel, but it will definitely force changes to my work out and eating habits.

I’d love to hear from others who travel regularly for work – how do you make it work for you? Challenges? Tips?

I guess I’ve just had so much on my plate lately, between the new job and being worked to death on the old job, that I haven’t quite had the energy to devote to JC – POOR EXCUSE but, as I’ve been saying often lately, “It is what it is”.

Overall, I am still in a pretty good place mentally, I’m not beating myself up or discouraged….its more of being aware that it IS easy to slip into bad habits and knowing how hard I have worked and trying to find balance.

Thanks to those who have checked in on me and hope everyone is doing well!

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