BF and I found ourselves in a food trap yesterday. We had to make a Walgreen's run, and we both happened to be hungry. We chatted about the dangerous element of being in the car and hungry and how we could go to Jimmy John's and have an easy early dinner.
Hmmm.... Jimmy Johns ain't bbq, but it also isn't ON THE PLAN.
Panic sets in... there are enticing things at Jimmy Johns, and if I'm that hungry, will I be able to order smartly? Probably so, actually! It's one of the few places I don't have a problem with..... But it's not part of the plan. The plan was to eat at home and bond as a couple by cooking together.
So we went to the grocery store and bought tilapia, spinach, mushrooms, onions, and the most delicious sweet corn of the season. We did our bond-by-cooking thing and used the kitchen table for its intended purpose. It was great!
My overall mood yesterday was sooooo much better, but I drifted off to sleep at one point in the evening, and when I woke up, I was a different person. I think my hormones are completely out of whack and pms could be contributing. Once I get home from work today, the night will be dedicated to getting on the treadmill.... no. matter. what. I'm going to systematically go through a list of things that fight depression until I can get over the hump. The key is to do these things when my mood feels mildly better and not take those pleasant moments for granted.
Figured I better write something since I didn't blog yesterday. I don't want absence to become a habit.
Yesterday was only mildly better than my last blog. But better is better, and I'll take it. Depression hurts! I managed to eat pretty clean yesterday, and I feel a little better today. Frankly, I'd like 'feeling better' to become the trend. My mood swings have been outrageous, and I'm not sure they've ever been worse than the other night. I've noticed a pattern, and it's something I mentioned to BF very casually on the bad day before things got bad. I'm going to be keeping a written journal in a notebook to see if I can pin it down.
I've started taking my Metformin again. I did some reading yesterday and familiarized myself a little more, and if I'm going to have bad skin anyway, I might as well prevent a bunch of other big ugly things that might pop up without medicinal intervention.
As far as work goes, I managed to dodge the bullet yesterday and was able to stay home with bf. It was nice. I didn't do any work at home either. He spent most of the day trying to get me to laugh. He can be ridiculously comical when he applies himself. I'm not sure today will go quite as well, but I'm hopeful that whatever happens, it will be something I can handle.
I had a bit of an emotional breakdown today. I'm not really in the mood to blog, but I'm going to because maybe it will help me a little.
My health is making me panicky. I've screwed up quite a bit this weekend, and my fingernails are all bitten off. I had kept them pretty for two months! My poor complexion has returned, and I can hardly stand to look at myself. It's amazing what that can do to a person's self-esteem, you know?
Yesterday was very emotional. BF and I helped his mom with a task that was very painful for both of them. We also took her to lunch, which didn't go too well for my diet.
My emotions got the best of me, and when I got out of the tub this evening, I let it all out on BF in a big blubbery sobby mess.
Let me explain another key factor.... There is this thing coming up that BF is involved in. I didn't go last year because I was getting my house ready to sell. There's no reason for me not to go this year. Not going would be unusual. I cannot go looking (or feeling) like I do. I wanted to lose a few pounds, get my face under control, just get to a good place where I won't feel so ashamed of myself in front of all of these other people, who will surely take one look at me and be shocked by what I've become.
I cried and apologized to BF for not being able to get a handle on this, because I don't know if I can attend this thing. I don't want anyone to see me. It's not until next month, but I feel so badly right now that I can't see it happening. I just can't go and put myself (or him) through it. I'd be visibly uncomfortable, and that would affect him and what he's there to do.
Anyway.... his reaction was wonderful and supportive, and he pulled through for me, as usual, and sat me down and made me plan my meals for the week. He even went out to the grocery store at 11:30 this evening to make sure I had what I needed. He's weirdly insistent with stuff like that. I seriously didn't want him going out at this hour to get me grapes, for goodness sake. I'm sitting here a little terrified he's going to get mugged. I thought blogging might help divert my worries until he got back.
Today sucked, but it doesn't mean tomorrow will. I hope not, anyway. When I got out of the tub, I wanted to hide from the world. I felt so low that I couldn't stop crying. I feel a smidge better about things now, but I still want to cry. I hope it's better tomorrow. I feel so bad right now that I can't imagine having to work and appear normal.
Anyone ever feel like that? I'd love some tips on how to get through it.
When I'm on the treadmill, I'm a !ROCK STAR! I'm certain the neighbors can hear me rockin' out. It could be a humiliating experience if I thought about it long enough, but that wouldn't be any fun! And I want to have fun! So I will continue to sing loud and proud!
Let me tell you.... I was soooo pitifully depressed two hours ago. It was hard to get myself on the treadmill. I don't think the thought of what I'd eaten yesterday was depressing me.... I think my body was in shock and trying to cope with what I'd stuffed into it. The day after a binge, my system feels all screwed up and weepy. I stopped feeling guilty about it when I started thinking about what I would normally eat on a typical binge. Granted, the bbq was unplanned, uncontrolled, and massive, but it wasn't a room full of donuts, and it didn't last all day long.
So, basically.... after adding it all up.... it really wasn't all that damaging! It was one meal for goodness sake. Real easy to regain control when it's just one meal. I won't forget about it, but I don't need to beat myself up over it either. I will learn from it!
SOooo, thankfully I have straighted out my post-binge depressive tendencies and shocked myself back to normal. I even burned extra calories to make up a little of yesterday. Go me!
Food today:
Brek: cheerios, skim milk, egg.
Lunch: Tuna sandwich, saffron rice with 1 tsp brummel and brown.
Dinner: Lean Cuisine butternut squash raviolis, corn on the cob, two kiwis.
Snacks: 100-cal pak fudge stripes, 1 WW ice cream bar, 1 diet coke.
Exercise today:
Treadmill: 60 minutes.
Most of the day was automatic, and I didn't think much about what to eat. I ate when it felt appropriate, and I didn't obsess. Dinner was a little uncertain, but I opted for a processed meal. I won't beat myself up for that under the circumstances. Sometimes we've just gotta do what we've gotta do Today I had to do processed!
I should be forced to write 100 times, "BBQ is BAD FOR ME."
Yesterday I had a rough start. I was running late and didn't get "the plan" in order. I prepared lunch and stuck with it, even though I had to eat it in my car on the way home. I was proud of myself for being able to eat such a large quantity of celery and carrots while driving. It's not the food as much as all of the drive-thru distractions one might see on a 30-minute drive. That's tough for me. Even though my job was only 30 minutes away, it was in another state. It feels like a road trip! And it's fun to eat fries on a road trip! It's SPECIAL. lol.
It was not a smiley moment with my celery, but I could deal with it because I felt like I was "doing" something, and that something would bring me closer to having the good health I need. If I were not actively pursuing this health quest and pondering it on my drive, I might get bored in the brain and decide to eat those 'special' foods.
Okay. So I get home, and it's raining and dreary and SLEEPY weather.... Weather that inspires me to forget I have work to do. I lay down in the bed and call my Wisconsin friend who is having a birthday today. We chat it up for a good bit and laugh and carry on like school girls. When we hang up, it is 2:39. I finished lunch around 12:25.
Okay. So I looked at the clock to see if it was "snack" time yet, and being 2:39, I could justify it. But did I do the smart thing and eat a snack? NO, I DID NOT. This is where the day went terribly wrong. I stayed in the bed and tried unsuccessfully to nap. Then I talked to BF for a while about nothingness, ignoring that I'm getting hungrier.
BF had not eaten anything all day. At 4:00 he said, "When are you going to eat dinner and what are you going to have?" OMG. I didn't plan for dinner. The smart thing would have been to make a quick plan and deal with it. Instead, I my irrational and hungry side of me said, "Do you want bbq?" DUH. Of course he wants bbq.
So we go get bbq. This doesn't have to be bad, though. There could be a nice and controlled ending. We eat our bbq and talk about how it might be the best sandwich we've had.... ever. BF finishes quickly and gives me the look. I told him we'd get another drink and wait a few minutes to let our bodies realize we just ate and then decide whether we should split another one.
Long story short: We ordered more food. I'll spare you the f----d-up conversation that led up to the actual ordering, but once we rolled our fat foodie selves home, we had a long talk about it. I was so disgusted with myself, and I felt sick all night, and I felt so stuffed that I could barely bend at the waist without puking. Think "Weeble." Consequently, I didn't spend time with the treadmill last night.
I hate how good the food is at this place. I just wish we'd never discovered it. Eating there has to come with some rules, I think (or a chaperone). We're both binge eaters who want more food when it's time to push the plate away and say, "that's enough." I think I actually have more control over that situation than he does, and he looks to me for the control. When I'm in a bad place without a plan, I know no control! Definitely a problem.
Anyway... Today is a new day. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and do better today. I have a plan, and it pretty much mimics Wednesday's plan. I'll have to exercise on Saturday since I missed my Thursday workout. I was shooting for 4 cardio days this week.
QOTD: We have met the enemy, and he is us. --walt kelly.
I got a little more sleep last night than usual. Went to bed pretty early, but then read for over an hour. It was pretty nice going to bed early enough to read something.
Planned meals:
Breakfast: Bran flakes, skim milk, hard-boiled egg and coffee. I ate that already. Brekkie is never an issue for me.
Lunch: Grilled chicken on wheat, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, corn on the cob, and 2 cali cuties.
Dinner: Tuna sandwich on wheat, cucumber, rice, and 2 kiwis.
Snacks: Raspberries with whipped-free topping, yogurt, celery.
I was a little hungry when I went to bed last night, but I stayed there and dealt with it. I'm going to see how the tuna works for dinner instead of lunch and go with fruit as my evening snack instead of the 100-cal packs. I had two 100-cal packs after dinner last night, and I don't think they did me much good.
I've been reading one of my healthy-eating books, "improve your mood with food," and I have to admit, it interests me. I spent an hour interrupting BF's reading with my exclamatory little burts of knowledge. Something must have clicked because I see a WATER next to his computer instead of a diet coke. hehehe.
I'm starting to feel anxious. It's coming from lack of productivity. I've tried to be ultra aware of when I feel it, and that's when it happens...... it's when I start to realize allllll the stuff I have to get done. This is something I need to work on. I'm going to start right now by getting something done!
QOTD: It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. --seneca
Lunch and dinner were very good. I found myself forgetting some of my foods when I go back to log them, so I snapped shots with my cell phone. Snacks have been one WW fudge bar, cherry tomatoes, and a yogurt. I think I'll have another snack before the night is over. We'll see. I'm still full from dinner, but I haven't logged everything in The Daily Plate just yet.
Exercised again today for about 45 minutes, and felt very tight in the back of my legs. This would be two days in a row, and perhaps I'm not stretching like I should be, so that's my wake-up call. When I found out BF was working tonight, I didn't want to miss my home-alone-on-the-treadmill moment. I might take tomorrow off as far as cardio goes. I've got to start doing something with my upper body, though, so maybe I'll make tomorrow a strength day.
I'm off to the tub to read my Prevention. BF will be rehearsing late tonight, and we've agreed it would be best if I go to bed early and not wait up for him. I haven't been going to bed early enough, nor have I been sleeping well in those few hours designated for sleep, and that just isn't working for me!
Snacks: 100-calorie pack, WW frozen chocolate bar, yogurt.
It's a chicken week. I'm hoping to get it all eaten so I can go back to tuna. haha.
Since I worked out a savings plan, I've been able to stick with it and save an additional $720 so far. Not too shabby! I'm doing the whole "pay yourself first" thing. As soon as I make a deposit, I transfer a set amount to my ING savings and then readjust the amount I have to work with. This would seem easy to MOST people, but I have never saved properly. I'm still learning. But it feels good. It makes me more aware of my money and how much time it takes to earn it.
Once I sat down and added up how much I could save in a year if I really tried, the amount was impressive. I have a goal. I want to meet or exceed that staggering total. There's no reason why I shouldn't be able to do that, and it feels good to see my savings go up without really feeling it. My typical method in the past was to do a huge transfer periodically and then suffer aftershock and ultimately have to withdraw some of it because I didn't plan accordingly. Bad planning.
I'm comparing my savings account to my weight loss. I'm putting in a set amount each paycheck to reach a certain goal. I do not need to ponder what I should put in because I worked out the math ahead of time. Weight loss isn't much different. I know what it takes to lose weight. I'm not expecting a miracle. I'm doing what I need to do to achieve my goals, but I might not have mastered the steps just yet. I am, however, getting better with each step I take, and weight loss and good health will naturally follow.
When I was on the treadmill last night, I kept thinking about external irritations. The scale is an external irritation. So I pretty much avoid getting on it and try to focus on how I'm feeling. Do I feel better? Am I feeling better in my clothes? etc. When I'm doing well, I expect the scale to reflect my feelings. When I feel like I weigh 160, I assume the scale will confirm this. This is so, so, soooo not what happens! The result is that I come off the scale feeling like a big ugly disgusting number. And that just sucks. Right now I don't care what the scale says because I feel GOOD. There will come a time when my feelings are stronger than what the scale says and it won't matter what it tells me. That time is not today.
The display on the treadmill is also an irritation. I try to cover it up and focus on breathing and effort and proper body movement. I will check the display when I think I might be close to finished and then decide how much more to do. Watching the time tick away on the display is one of those irritable things that makes me just wish it would hurry up! Well, it's not going to hurry up. Sixty minutes is sixty minutes, and no time warp is going to suck me out of that one.
If I watch the display, I might up the speed some or jack the incline and not pay attention to how my body feels. Every time I've done this, I've walked away with knee pain and an unpleasant experience. Since I've stopped counting down with my display, not one time in the last two weeks have I had knee pain. I am not under-doing it by any means. My heart rate is right where it should be for the length of time it should be, and it feels challenging. A treadmill display cannot tell me when my body feels challenged, ya know? We're all different! It doesn't KNOW me. I know me. And if that damn scale knew me, it would tell me I weigh 160!
hehehe.
Anyway... I was just thinking about all of that and had to let it out. I'd certainly rather go outside and walk, but the houses, cars, stray dogs, people.... they irritate me. lol. I like the quiet. I like to think. I can't think about much when I've got someone's unleashed dog playing chicken with me. Grrrr.
I'm going to keep a pair of shoes in the car for those rare days I work close to Shelby Farms and finish early. There's also a place I can walk downtown, as long as it's not swarming with people. It doesn't inspire me quite as much, though. Too many buildings. But I'll try it. I might have a different perspective when I'm on foot!
I just had 45 sweaty minutes on the treadmill. Go me! And ya know what? It wasn't so bad getting on there so late. At least I got on it!
My friend Fred told me he tries to walk 30 minutes a day because it's just something you have to do. It's a priority and it might be boring, but ya just gotta do it. I've had that in my mind all day, so I did it. Thanks Fred!
Tomorrow is a new day, and I will try to make it a better day than today.
I had a great soak with afternoon sun shining into the bathroom, and it was VERY NICE. Then I took a nice, long nap. I'm a new woman. Thank God. I was really starting to get on my nerves.
We went to the grocery store tonight to get some fruit and veggies and a few things for BF to eat. It seems that when I stocked up, it was all on the type of food I eat and nothing he's really that interested in. Woopsie.
I need some stuff to read that's interesting. I'm getting a little bored with the same information constantly repeated in health magazines. I had fun with "Remember Me" (fiction recommended by Chantal). I spent part of my weekend reading it cover to cover, and it was a welcomed change from what I typically read, which are health mags or cook books. I do LOVE my Runner's World subscription, but I need a little something else. I haven't quite figured out what that is, though.
BF bought me "Healthy at 100" for Christmas, and I never got too far into it. I think I might start reading that and see how it goes. I also have "Improve Your Mood With Food" and it wouldn't kill me to read that again. I feel like I need to learn something knew.
I've realized recently that my routine changes with BF's schedule. That has to stop. For instance, today was a treadmill day and usually BF works on Mondays, but BF was off work tonight and we ended up at the grocery store at the time I would normally be on the treadmill. It's pretty late now, but since I napped, I might get on for a short walk anyway. I would feel really awful if I didn't.
I'm going to see if he can write out his schedule for me on the calendar so I know when he's working and I can plan around it. At this point, I have no idea when or where he'll be working. I just prefer to treadmill when he's not here. It's easier for me to get in the zone.
hehehe.