There's something that's been on my mind lately..... I need to dye my hair.
While on my way to work a couple days ago, this thought occurred to me yet again... I really need to dye my hair and QUICK. And then out of nowhere, this frustrated inner-person surfaced and asked just who exactly I was dying it for?
How often do I look in the mirror and think, "Ugh, I need to dye my hair"? Just about every day. One of the reasons it's taken so to dye it this time is because it's a hassle. I get about two weeks before I think I need to dye it again. I could have it done at the salon, but that's quite a production, too, not to mention an expense.
So the rest of the way to work, I wondered who it would harm if I let me be myself for a while and see how it works out. I might feel a sense of freedom to just go get a haircut without the whole hair dye thing hanging over me.
I saw a woman last weekend who looked about my age, but her hair was left natural. She didn't look bad at all. She wasn't trying to look younger. She wasn't hiding her speckles of gray hair. This didn't make her look older, either. It just made her look accepting of age in a natural, graceful way.
Now, I have no idea how I'm going to feel tomorrow. Today, I want to go the natural route and be myself. I've been burdened with the dye for quite some time now, and I have no idea how I'll feel down the line. But I will say this: Once I made the decision to leave it natural, I felt so much better about it!
I'm going to call this an exercise in self-acceptance. I don't think I fully accept myself *as I am*. I've developed better self-esteem and confidence over the years, but I've never put my natural self out there and said, "This is who I am" and not cared about what other people might think about it. I am pretty sure that indicates I'm looking to be accepted by others. But, really, I need to be looking for that acceptance in myself.
I grew up in a house where you put on your "face" before you went anywhere. I wear minimal makeup now when I go to work, but before I go anywhere, even just to the quick mart or Walgreens, I still have to check to make sure I've got a little eye makeup on so I don't look horrendous. But is that mascara really making such a difference on a quick trip to Walgreens? Who am I going to run into at Walgreens that will care about my mascara?
What am I so afraid of showing people? Am I so afraid they will see who I *really* am? Because I've certainly never judged anyone else on whether or not they wear mascara or dye their hair. Should I care so much about those people who might judge me on those things?
Yesterday I had to work a full day. Not a problem, usually, but since I've been off for so long, my fingers and posture were clearly not up for the challenge. I was rewarded, though. When I called the office to get my job assignment for the following day (today), they told me I didn't have one! Not even on-call! Shocker.
So I came home, ate dinner, answered a few emails, and was in bed by 8:30, asleep by 9:30. My body was confused. At one point, I woke up at 1:00 and thought it was morning. The next confused wake up was at 4:00, and when I woke up at 7:00, I said, "To heck with it!" and stayed in bed and snoozed off and on until 10:00.
It was nice to sleep in. Our days in Gatlinburg were really the only ones we were able to sleep in. Knoxville had an early wake-up time with the conference, and the morning after arriving home, we had to get Boy Dog to the doctor at 8:00 a.m. It was nice to just sleep. and sleep. and sleep. It was such a dark and dreary day today. Perfect for pajamas, a blanket, and a book.
I will appreciate the gift of rest I was given today, because I sure won't be getting the same tomorrow! lol.
You know, I'm so screwed up after my vacay. I have no idea what to do with myself. We didn't watch TV at all on our vacation, except like 30 minutes the very first night. Now that we're home, we really don't want to watch it. It's weird.
My sister phoned (during my restful nap) and said nephew is out of surgery. The doctor got a late start, but it only took an hour and a half. He said they could expect an improvement, but that he would likely have to repeat the surgery.
So... I can't wait to see the improvement! He misses a lot of school because during the flare-ups he can't move without pain, so even though he has a wheelchair, he can't really get out of bed on those days. Even though he knows this probably didn't "cure" him, I'm sure he is (like the rest of us) hopeful that this first surgery will make a huge difference. I don't want him to have to feel the disappointment if he wakes up in a week and experiences that pain he hopes he won't have. But I'm so hoping that pain is behind him, too. It's hard not to wish for something like that! I'm not sure if "improvement" means he'll have less painful pain or that it will just happen less frequently. I'm eager to see him improve!! I feel hopeful after this surgery that he will keep his leg and may be able to grow up without pain.
He was sipping a ginger-ale when she phoned, and apparently he was very upset they didn't have a specific cartoon channel for him to watch. My sister sounded pretty out of it, so I'm sure she brought along some anti-anxiety pills. She said he's been filming things with the camera I bought him, and that she filmed him going into surgery. At least, that's what I think she said. Her words weren't fully formed. lol. Poor girl. I just had to guess what she was saying after a while. I'm sure she hasn't been sleeping or eating. It's been very tough on her.
Thinking about it all is making me more tired than I was earlier. Turns out, PMS was contributing to my food-fest on the vacation. I'm sure it's also contributing to how drained I feel. I had a wonderful restful vacation, but now that I'm home, I'm exhausted!
I picked up some healthy and convenient food to get me through the next few meals. I'm thinking this week will be a salad week. I'm going to try to get creative with healthy ways to dress it up.
I was thrust out of bed this morning for an early job assignment. Phoooooey. It was scheduled for 7:15. That's a little earlier than my usual wake time. And, of course, since I spent yesterday resting and napping, I was up a little late.
Now I'm waiting around on-call (big surprise, eh?!), and waiting by the phone to hear about my nephew's surgery. According to my calculations, the estimated finish time was 45 minutes ago. Since I've heard nothing yet, I am getting anxious. My brain is overthinking. I'm wondering if it was more involved than they first thought and it's taking longer, or perhaps the surgery is over and the doctor is visiting with my sister and her husband, or maybe something went wrong.... I'm not quite to the "something-went-wrong" point. Not quite yet. Just a lot of praying that things are going well.
If my brain could shift topics, I might have some things to blog about, but I'm going to close for now until I hear something. It might be a good idea if I try to sleep until the phone rings.
If I call for Calgon to take me away, do you think it really will?
Nothing like being thrust into reality after such a super relaxing vacation. You could say reality started yesterday when we started our 6.5-hour drive home. Could have been worse, I suppose.
We've taken pup to the eye guy, and he said the problem should heal with the medication. We have to take him back in next week. But let me tell ya.... that eye guy is S.O.U.R. His bedside manner is awful. I'm sure he sees all kinds of terrible things on a daily basis, but he could be a little less insulting. It put me in a mood. As if the situation itself wasn't enough to do that.
I talked to my sister this morning for about half a second. Apparently, nephew is going in for a pre-surgery visit this morning, and the surgery is actually on Tuesday. They should be in with the doctor at this very minute. I wonder how it's going. It's going to be a TENSE couple of days, and I wish I could just sleep through it.
Now, another kick in the back-to-reality butt... I need to decide how I'm going to deal with my weight. The plan is to log on TDP for a week. If it goes well, I will do that for a second week, and so forth. If two days pass where I haven't logged my food, I'll be going back to Weight Watchers.
We leave Knoxville tomorrow afternoon and head home. I'm worn out. The conference we're at is quite fun and we're meeting some very interesting people, but it's wearing me thin. I had to duck out a little early tonight to make sure I was rested for our drive home.
My vacation has now become a blur. I don't think I can piece it together, as I had hoped. I wanted to get it all down in the blog so I could memorialize it, but it's all kind of smearing together.
Highlights would be the Arts and Crafts Loop, where we bought a bride and groom candle to remember our engagement getaway. The store was unique in that you could step into their workshop and actually watch them pour the candles. On the other side of their store, you could watch them glaze the candles. Very interesting.
We bought some candles, pottery, chenille braided rugs (for the pups to roll around on), and a few other odds and ends I can't quite recall at the moment. It will be a surprise when we get home and open the bags.
We signed up for a ghost tour in Gatlinburg. They had us all meet in an old cemetery and then handed out EMF meters. It was fun. There was a little boy about 4 or 5 whose meter kept flashing red. His was the only one. Spooooky. :)
Currently, we're at a literary conference of sorts (I'm afraid FG will do some weird search and find my blog, so I'm being elusive), and it is really something! I'm not as much into the theories as I am the history and research. The lectures by the authors have been great and everyone is so interesting! Very intellectually stimulating.
Until we left Gatlinburg, my eating has been horrible. I didn't even want to attempt to squeeze into the slacks I brought for the dinner tonight, so when we were at Wal-Mart yesterday, I bought some "flowey" (sp?) pants to carry me through.
--BUT--
I've been doin' nothing but peein' since we arrived, and I feel a bit deflated today. I took a chance and --- voila! --- the pants I brought fit after all! You have NO IDEA what a relief this was! I was having nightmares about it. Nightmares that I was stuffed into these pants that were so ridiculously tight that I couldn't sit down in them. lol. But it all worked out okay. :)
We had a puppy scare this morning. The sitter called and said our boy dog was having some concerning stuff happening with his bad eye. She had him to the specialist within 2 hours of the phone call, and we'll have to take him back in on Monday to see how he's doing. My poor puppy. I can't wait to kiss him and tell him how sorry I am that we left for so long.
My 7-year-old nephew goes in for his first surgery on his leg on Monday. Hopefully, this miracle doctor will FIX his leg and he'll get to keep it and have a normal life without any pain. I bought him a little video camera a couple weeks ago so he could memorialize his journey to New York City. I can't wait to see what exciting things he captures! Any prayers you might say on his behalf are appreciated.
On Day 2, we head out of Franklin and drive Interstate 40 (eww) to Gatlinburg.
I forgot to mention.... During Day 1's drive, we learned FG's new flashy iPod Touch doesn't work with my transmitter, so he was forced to listen to mine. Luckily, he was pleasantly surprised that I had really great music on mine, and we enjoyed ourselves immensely!
Okay... back to the drive to Gatlinburg. We were bummed about having to take the interstate, but it seemed the most logical route. The traffic was annoying, but the landscape more than made up for it. It was so beautiful. We had great conversation that seemed to make the drive fly by. At some point we stopped to eat at a Cracker Barrel (didn't binge) and realized we were fairly close to Gatlinburg.
We made it to Gatlinburg, at which time I got a little nervy about locating our CABIN. It was a piece of cake. The access road was a little tight, but we lucked out in never having to pass another car while we were on it.
I don't remember too much in-between getting to our heavenly cabin and heading down to the Parkway in Gatlinburg. I think we put our feet up and relaxed and perused our brochures of things to do and set up a ghost tour for the following night.
At some point, we ventured out of the cabin and walked up and down the Parkway just looking at shops and things to do. We found ourselves having a very late dinner at Calhoun's. Naturally, we order all the things we shouldn't (will I learn nothing on this trip?!).
We go back to the cabin and have a blast playing air hockey, pool, and video games. Then we hit the hot tub. Ohhhh, the wonderful hot tub. It was great to be sitting out there with all of those trees on a nice cool night while submerged in the hot, bubbly water. Very relaxing.
Shortly thereafter, my head hit a pillow and I was O. U. T.
Day 1 was Saturday the 4th: We left town and took the long way to Franklin (suburb of Nashville). It was a two-lane road (one lane each direction) just about all the way there. The weather was sunny and beautiful and we were charmed by the country drive. We drove through Waynesboro, but didn't catch any signs for the fitness spa. I should have mapped it before we left. I can say, however, the surrounding countryside was lovely.
Shortly after Waynesboro, we picked up the Natchez Trace and took that up to our destination. It was gorgeous! The restroom was immaculate! The trees were spectacularly colored! There were even a few points where we had to stop and let some wild turkeys and a family of deer cross the road.
We made our way up to Franklin and had some dinner (binge beyond belief), and then we checked into our hotel for a quick nap (food coma). When we woke up, it was time to head downtown for our Franklin Haunted Tour. That was a great way to learn some of the history of this town. It was also a fun way to end the first day of our trip.
Post-tour, FG hit the bed with a book and I hit the whirlpool bath. Aside from the gastrointestinal pain brought on by the earlier food fest (will i ever learn? lol.), it was a great day.
I had big ideas that I was going to come here and catch up on all of your blogs. And then I realized the internet isn't really that much better in the hotel in Knoxville than it was in the woodsy cabin in Gatlinburg. Kinda sucks now that I've had five minutes to experience it!
So I'm going to try to stay online long enough to say we're having a wonderful time. I wish I could have blogged daily because remembering it all is going to be tough!
FG just called and is on his way back to the room and I don't want him to catch me blogging! Gotta go!
It's FINALLY Friday! A week ago today, I thought it was Thursday. That pretty much sucked given that I'd lost a day (in my mind) , and the weekend was over as quickly as it started. I did two weeks' worth of work in 5 days, and now I can finally think about my vacation! Almost. I'm on-call today, so let's all cross our fingers and hope I don't get called out.
I've got 24 hours before we leave..... I have to clean the house, pack, organize the week's necessities for our 7 domestic animals, prepare lists for the pet/house sitter.... I have to clean out my car and do two loads of laundry, vacuum and mop the floors....
My iPod is freshly synced with some music favs and audiobooks for the drive. FG (future groom! lol) is bringing his iPod as well, and I think he thinks we'll both be listening to that. Well, that presents a problem..... I can't listen to music I don't know the words to and stay awake enough to drive. lol. Seriously though, I want to enjoy the drive, too, and I can't enjoy it without musical freedom.
The house was crisp and chilly this morning. How wonderful to snuggle up under my favorite blanket without sweating buckets. The crisp air and chirpy birds makes a cup of coffee so much more appealing.
When I was about 19 or 20, I lived in this cute little upstairs studio apartment. On the weekends, I would open the windows, put on some Bob Marley, dance around, and clean the apartment. It's a nice memory. Life was a lot more simple in those days. At least, that's how it seems when I briefly think back on it. As I start to remember things more in depth, my stomach starts getting queasy. I need to learn to isolate those good memories and block the rest out.
Time to bring out my rock star and start cleaning.
