I'm feeling a little bugged today. Irritable. Not sure why. I woke this morning and sat around being unproductive. Then, as I started getting hungrier and hungrier, I decided to cook stuff. I made my stuffed zucchini, which wasn't the best, but given that I ate it all, it really wasn't too awful either. Nothing I'll make again, though.
I then decided I would make vegetable soup with some of my remaining vegetables. Also not great. Not bad, but not great. I've got a bunch of it in there, though. I'm afraid that since it's not great, I won't want to eat it and it will just sit. On the other hand, it's full of veggies and it's not an untasty way to make sure I eat them. It will make a good side dish.
I'm proud of my use of the food, though. All the little extra veggies from the last few days went into the soup. My intention is to eat it and make the most of that food.
When I did my grocery shopping, I used a list. I rarely use a list. I stuck with what was on it and only got a few miscellaneous things that weren't on it. Stuff like bread and milk. No junk. I spent $77. It's forcing me to be creative with what I bought and see how far that $77 can really go and how many meals I can get out of it. If I added in a few things FG requested, we could keep our grocery budget at $100 a week.
The way it is now, we eat out A LOT. We didn't do that this week, but we do it way more than we should. We just never want to bother with cooking or prepping or cleaning, etc. I'd LIKE to keep our eating-out meals to once a week. If we're not careful about where we go to eat, we can easily spend $50, and if we do that even twice a week, we're already up to $100! That's entirely too much waste.
I might revise it a little. Instead of eating out once a week, we can spend $50 a week eating out, and that might give us a little range on where we go. If we want to eat out two or three times, we could. We'd just have to be smart about it.
My stomach is growling again. I better figure out what to eat before I do something stupid. When I'm in this irritable mood, I tend to look for stupid things to do. I feel yucky today and I want to change the way I feel by eating something that will release those feel-good receptors in the brain. lol. You wouldn't believe where Fat Kache wants to go right now and what she wants to eat.
And ya know what? Just for that reason, I have to take a few moments and THINK about this and rationalize because I'm way too close to giving in to her.
I don't want to bloat.
Retaining water doesn't help my health conditions.
I don't want high cholesterol.
I don't want to get any closer to developing Type II diabetes.
I don't want to gain weight.
I don't want my pants to be tight.
I want to buy a new wardrobe from Title 9 and I want to earn the right to wear it by following a healthy lifestyle.
I want my doctor's visit to be less humiliating than the past few visits.
My complexion is almost perfect at the moment, and eating that food will reverse that accomplishment in hours.
I don't want to feel ashamed for not having better control of my binging.
I will not say I can "make up for it later" because I've proven time and time again that I never do enough to make it up.
I don't want the lethargy that follows a binge.
If I don't eat it, I can go to bed feeling proud.
I will feel more satisfied having prepared a delicious and healthy meal for myself.
And with that, I'm heading to the kitchen to sort this out and find something healthy.
Another tiring day. Not quite as long as yesterday, but not exactly short enough to really make a difference. I'm pooped.
Okay... So yesterday one of my deponents pretty much asked me who I was voting for in the upcoming election. I avoided going down that road and told him I was undecided. Not a topic I care to discuss with anyone. I remember asking my dad once when I was a kid who he was voting for, and he told me that we vote in private for a reason and it's not something you ask people. And then eventually he told me which way he was leaning. But it's a lesson I've never forgotten, and that man asking me that question made my butt itch. He was challenging me to give the "wrong" answer. You could see it in his demeanor.
Today he asks me about my religion. Now, there is a time and a place for these topics to be brought up, and during a deposition is not the time, nor the place. I actually found myself resenting and disliking this person quite a bit before the day was over. He said something exceptionally insulting and pried into my personal life in such an unbelievable way! I won't go into details. It upset me.
Well, maybe I will dwell for a second or two... he pretty much asked me in the nicest possible (somewhat antagonistic) way if I was "in tact" (my words). Sure, dude. Got the big ole purity rock right there on my finger! Youbetchya!
I misunderstood him and had assumed he was asking something else, so I answered in the affirmative (because he couldn't possibly be asking if I was a VIRGIN, could he?), but then I saw the look of approval and respect on his face and he started asking about my FG, and then it hit me what he meant. OMG!! All I could think of is what FG's face was going to look like when I relayed this conversation and informed him of my chastity. LOL.
At first, I didn't see the harm in telling him I attend church in an effort to halt the conversation. I should have realized it was his lecture opener, and not just a harmless question. Someday I'll be confident enough to assert myself and end a conversation I'm not comfortable with. This was actually just a small part of his inappropriate questions. He should have enough tact to know when it's appropriate to discuss such things. Ugh. I made a mistake. Next time I will risk offending the deponent by saying I don't feel comfortable discussing religion (or my sex life) (or politics) while I'm working. He clearly wasn't concerned about offending me, so I'm not sure why I cared much about offending him.
I'm still irked by the way he asked his questions. If he wants to preach, then he should preach. Express! Share the love! But don't ask me questions and then insult my answers, ya know? It is unsolicited. Insulting me is not going to sway my vote or encourage me to sign up at his church. I'm fine with people expressing themselves, but when it becomes antagonistic, I'm out. The wall goes up. And although I answered short and politely, it was clear to the others in the room (yep, there were others... who remained silent and avoided eye contact) that I was uncomfortable in this situation.
Enough of that.
In spite of the weirdness at work, I had another good food day and finished off the minestrone. I'm feeling hungry now, though, and I recognize the telltale signs of a binge mood. I'm tired, cranky, sore, and hungry. A perfect donut-diving setup. FG will be home soon with some restaurant food. We've come up with an appetizer order that isn't diet-damaging, and we've opted to keep the entrees out of the house.
My hunger pangs are not imagined, though, and I hope he hurries up and gets home. My belly has been growling almost all day. Definitely not something I'm used to. lol
I had a rough work day. It was long and physically challenging... Everyone was so tense! And the deponent was so angry. He was snappish and his face kept turning beet red with anger. I'm a sponge and have a tendency to absorb all the tension.
My knees hurt. They always do after a day like today. Blegh.
There is one little thing that kept me going, though.... I couldn't get my mind off the minestrone soup I was going to have for dinner. LOL. It was so nice to come home and have that lovely soup already made and ready to go. As a matter of fact, I even decided to cut up some fresh veggies for a delicious wheat tortilla pizza. FG thought that was superdelicious. Good thing, because we have enough ingredients for that to last a few days.
I need to prep those veggies ahead of time, though. All the cutting was more work than I wanted to do after such a taxing day. Planning is the key to success, right?
I'm babbling. Just too tired and sore to think straight.
Today and yesterday were really good food days. Healthy and packed with veggies. An easy and tasty new recipe can make such a difference.
G'night. Heading to the tub for a soak and then to bed.
I just finished eating Shelley's minestrone and it was sooooo good. It was also BEAUTIFUL. So many colors. If you haven't made it yet, go ahead and do it. You won't be disappointed. I even tried to overeat because it was so good. That's when I discovered that it's not only delicious, but quite filling as well. Overeating wasn't possible. Burning your tongue is possible, though, so be careful!
FG managed to rope me into the other room to answer his questions, and that's when it happened.... I got weird about where my stuff is going. But I only got weird AFTER I asked him where the kitchen scale was and he couldn't remember where he put it. If he can't remember where he puts stuff, what's going to happen to my stuff? lol. He's grumpy now. I'm not grumpy. I had a delicious dinner and even Male PMS can't take that away! lol.
I miss cooking. My kitchen is clean, and I just finished my grocery shopping so I could make a bunch of exciting meals.
Thankfully, I was able to get done with the shopping before the store got busy. I was on-call today, but my niece called and insisted I send her the second book in the Twilight series, ASAP, so I had to get all dressed and packed up and ready for work just to go to the post office.
I sent her only the first book earlier this week in an effort to save her from the obsessive reading that plagued me. I was afraid she'd get sucked in and let her schoolwork get behind. It seems my plan did not work. She can't stop reading. She said she's only got 100 pages left, and I better get the next book to her immediately. So I sent her the rest of the books. I'm glad she's reading. I always thought she needed to do a little more of that.
FG has made his way outside the house now and is requiring my assistance. This fall cleaning thing isn't something I want to deal with because I reallllly want to cook instead. It was easier when he was cleaning while I slept because he didn't keep coming to me asking where everything should go. If I KNEW where those things should go, I would not have left them where they are! lol.
I want to cook so bad it hurts. And then I want to sit at my nice, clean table and EAT!
Someone at work got sick yesterday, so I got called in. This kinda messed up my grocery shopping plan. I got out of work with just enough time to come home and run around the house to trap one of the kitties for her vet visit.
FG had pretty much emptied the house while I was at work. Things are moved around and miscellaneous decor is missing..... It looks like we're moving. We're NOT moving. It just looks like we are. I'm not sure where everything is. Since I have very specific places for mail and important things, I'm sure we're going to be late on a lot of those bills. He swears HE knows where everything is, but I'm not so sure. I'm thinking my shot records (required by little college) are going to be ultra hard to dig out now. He's the one who's always losing things, so this whole development has me super nervous. Everything is probably lost now. lol.
Back on point... He did all of this in about two hours' time on an empty stomach and made himself sick. His dinner was a quick banana and a Boca. So rather than go grocery shopping at that point, I micro-mealed with a salad. Not the seasonal meal I had planned, but hopefully I'll be able to make one of them tonight.
I slept poorly last night and in-between fits, I realized FG wasn't in bed. That's not too unusual, so I didn't think much of it. Well, I woke up this morning, and discovered that he'd worked his way to the back of the house and decided to strip the kitchen, too. The kitchen needed a good cleaning, and there's only so much he can remove. It looks good, I think. But, again, where is my stuff? I see my cookbooks, but where is the other stuff? I can't find my coffee and tea. He left one of my coffees out, but doesn't he realize that all coffees are not created equal???? lol.
I'm going to let him go through this purging process and say nothing to him about it. The nice weather is inspiring him to work in the house, and I most certainly am not going to discourage it. We could stand to purge a little, so I'm going to wait and see what is left.
I've got a hunch that once I start messing up the kitchen with my new recipes, he's going to lose his appetite. He hasn't yet realized that a clean kitchen is all I need to inspire me to cook and mess it up again. haha.
I just found a bunch of great recipes on the WW website. Healthy meals that look beautiful on a plate makes me very happy, so the current theme is going to be autumn inspired. Rich colors and lots of squash and apples.
My salad plan didn't go so well last week. I might be able to pick up with the salads as side dishes to my themed meals. I'm not sure FG is going to go for this, but I'm going to have to adopt the attitude that if he doesn't like what I'm cooking, he is free to cook something for himself.
I'm going to try a few of these recipes this week. One is Barley, Butternut Squash, Apples and Onions. Another is Ginger Scented Apple Squash Soup. I found a stuffed apple recipe that sounds delicious. I'd also like to make Shelley's minestrone soup since I didn't get a chance to do that this weekend. And since her recipe calls for zucchini, I might as well go ahead and make the Feta-and-Veggie Stuffed Zucchini.
I'm trying to limit the waste that happens when I don't coordinate my grocery shopping. The zucchini meals might have to wait until next week. I'll probably be all tied up with the butternut squash and apples this week.
We had a lot of fun at the carving party. I posted the pumpkin pictures in my photo album.
It took a while to get comfortable. There were around 15-20 people there, and I only knew four of them. Once we started carving our pumpkins, people got more talkative. It was fun. Not everyone carved their pumpkins, though. Half were carving, and the other half were drinking. I guess knives don't pair well with alcohol. It's probably best they didn't partake. lol.
I brought a little container with me and saved our seeds, so it looks like I might be making pumpkin seeds today. It's been a while since I've done it, so I'll have to find something online to refresh my memory.
The house is freezing this morning, and it's quite a drastic difference from how it's been all summer. The chill is rejuvinating. Summer seems to last forever down here, and the seasons are clearly out of balance. I still think sweating in Memphis for six months is better than freezing in Wisconsin for six months, and I do try to remember that on those 90-degree September days. Thankfully, those days are behind us.
I wonder how many days of fall weather we'll have before we're slammed with winter. lol. I better enjoy it while it lasts!
At the conference last weekend, I didn't have much social anxiety. I think this is because my FG was with me and we didn't know anyone. Nobody had any expectations or ideas on where we were a year ago or what we looked like two years ago.... etc.
Today we are going to a Pumpkin Carving party. Doesn't that sound like a blast?! I think so. But, instead, I'm all anxious about it. These are FG's friends, and they have seen me on thinner days. Granted, those days seem eons ago, but they have actually only seen me a handful of times since then.
This gets a little into that self-acceptance thing I was talking about earlier. I really want to be more social and enjoy things, but it's hard to do because I keep getting toxic thoughts like they are talking about me. Now, I'm sure they probably HAVE talked about me. You can't gain this much weight and not have one mention to another, "hmmm...she looks differen't, doesn't she?"
I know this is my problem. These are the same people from the "event" last month that I skipped. It's taking a great deal of force and energy to decide not to care about my looks and let these people actually get to know who I am. The other girlfriends have inquired many times about how I'm doing and where I am, and they have mentioned to FG how it would be nice if we could get together for some board games and such.
I LOVE board games. I would love to go to their house and play a board game. But why don't I? Obviously they are not snubbing me because I got fat. I just have anxiety. Maybe my anti-depressants are working a little because I feel the desire to drop the anxiety and go enjoy myself. I have half the angst I usually have. Perhaps I need a slightly stronger dose to just kick it to the curb completely.
I am going to use today as another exercise is self-acceptance. I'm going to try to take the attitude that these people's opinions of me don't matter, and they probably aren't thinking about me that much anyway.
I think I'm so hung up on it because they don't actually know me as a person. The people who know me as a person are the ones with the opinions I never worry about. They know me and like me and I can be myself around them. I haven't gotten to that point with these people yet. I've never socialized with them outside of an event where all the guys are tied up and all the girls are scattered around and preoccupied. I don't drink and I'm shy, so that takes away my tipsy chatter. I just wait for the event to end so I can hide behind FG until it's time to leave. Pathetic, really.
So today we have accepted this fun social invite, and our pumpkins are waiting to be repurposed. I love this time of year, and all anxiety aside, I'm thrilled that we know people who would have a pumpkin carving party. This is sooooo the type of thing I get into. It's actually such a "me" thing to do that I'm excited (setting anxiety aside) to socialize with others who would also enjoy it.
Today I informed my 18-year-old niece (Niece A) of my "grow-old-gracefully" plan. She guffawed and told me, "OMG, that's exactly what Gran said."
Obviously, "Gran" would be my mother. Niece A told me she'd have to start referring to me as Granny if I didn't get my act together and whip up a fresh and trendy look and get my hair dyed PRONTO.
Hmmm..... I do NOT want to turn into my mother, nor do I even want to SOUND like her, nor do I want to be referred to as "Granny."
I'm not ready to abandon my plan yet, though. Time will tell. I'm going to do what feels right. If I dyed it now, I'd be doing it because I was influenced by Niece A and the fear of turning into my mother. Rebelling against nature's course takes energy that I don't currently have.
Subject change -- Did I mention that I've been accepted to little college? wahoobeeees!! I went to the bookstore tonight and browsed the academic study guides. I'm excited. The next step is taking the Compass test that Tatumsmom took a week or two ago. I hope that goes smoothly. I have to send requests to the college I graduated from and to my high school for transcripts and figure out what to do about my shot records. My mother could offer me no assistance there.
Book recommendation: The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I read this on my vacation in one sitting and didn't want to put the book down long enough to tinkle. This is all I'm going to say about this book. FG had to listen to me chatter on and on about it once I'd finished reading. I told him he didn't have to pay attention to me, but he had to sit quietly and let me get it out because if I absolutely had to tell someone about it!!!
