Lunch at Olive Garden with Tatumsmom and Bridget was On Plan.  I thought we had a great conversation about struggles and solutions to those struggles.  It seems that lunch with the girls was a positive step, indeed.  If I had more time this morning, I'd go into more detail.  Unfortunately, I tried to cut corners this morning since I reset my alarm to a later wake-up. 

My intentions were to exercise this morning at 7:15 since my job doesn't start until 10:30.  FG ended up coming to bed at 5:15, and I contemplated getting up at that point and seeing what would happen.  My next thought was how Tatumsmom was probably already DONE with her workout at that time, and that was my last thought before drifting back to sleep.  LOL.

It was dark and stormy when the alarm went off at 7:15, and I reset it to 8:15.  I went to bed very late last night.  Next time I intend to get up to exercise before work, I will try to go to bed before 1:00 a.m.

So, needless to say, I didn't give myself any time to exercise this morning.  BUT, at least I thought about it.  That's actually a big step these days.

Food was good and healthy yesterday.  Had OG with the girls and then Jimmy Johns for dinner.  The candy bar I ate after dinner wasn't really on plan, but calorie-wise, I still came out okay.

Hopefully today will go as well.  My job shouldn't be too terribly long today, and I'm anticipating that it will be easy, too.  I'm determined to do something active after work.  FG got me a Wii Fit for my birthday, so I might have to try that later.

Off to work.  Think before you bite. 

I know it's been forever since I posted anything.  I've had some rough days.  Yesterday was a little more refreshing since I was finally able to take a break.  I got caught in a work tangle and had to work through the five days I thought I was going to have off over the Thanksgiving holiday, not to mention all the days preceeding those five and following those five... they just blur together.....  We need the money, though, so I grin and bear it.  The one thing that saved me was pre-planning with a schedule of what work I needed to get done each day and breaking it up into manageable pieces.  I rarely do that, but the few times I've stuck with it, everything has gotten done on time.  I should try a little harder to apply that lesson learned into other aspects of life.

SO, I'm in a decent place with work at this immediate moment, and my "vacation" starts next weekend.  I've asserted myself at the office and told them to keep next week REALLY light because I do not intend to spend the week working.  I'm going to be relaxing.  I'm not going to Wisconsin either.  I love my family, but I need a break and traveling during the holidays isn't exactly what I had in mind.  I want to do normal-people things like go to the movies (speaking of which, I finally managed to see Twilight yesterday...and that's all I care to say about that!), read a book, cook a meal, sew a quilt, shop for Christmas, clean the house.....   I had to face reality with the raking, though, and pay a neighbor kid to do it.  He's out there right now working his butt off. 

My sister is doing better and seems less depressed.  That may have something to do with the fact that she still hasn't been released to go back to work so she's had some time to relax and take everything in. 

The only thing I can say about food is that right now I'm hungry.  That isn't usually the case.   While relaxing in the tub last night, I recognized a healthy mindset start to surface, along with the desire to do "all things positive" for myself and my body.  When I'm buried with work, those feelings area also buried.  I'm unsure of how to balance the two, but I think it has something to do with the planning I mentioned earlier in the post.  If I'm following a plan, it takes the pressure off.

I guess that's it for now.  I'm on-call today and have work to do, but I'm going to do a few things for myself instead.  

Is it okay if I join you all for a few minutes?

Things aren't going so great.  The sis thing is still awfully troubling at the moment because she has the flu and called me the other day begging for me to come take care of her and fix it.  Clearly not something I can fix, and I wasn't planning a trip north this season.  I'm going to feel it out and see if I need to change the plan and start driving. 

I sent her a huge floral offering of love.  She likes getting flowers, so that made her happy.  Then yesterday she called again very upset because of stuff relating to last week's event.  The event itself isn't what's upsetting her.  It's the reactions she's getting from the other people.  She's so depressed.  It's contagious.  I cannot help her and when that much anxiety takes over, I have to just go to sleep.  Unfortunately, that's not working out these days because FG has started smoking again (), and as a result, he's started snoring again, too.  Grrr.

My doctor's appointment on Monday was better than the last few appointments.  My cholesterol is down and so is my glucose.  That's good, because if my sugar was bad again this time, I'm pretty sure they were going to diagnose diabetes.  I was happy they didn't need to do that!  My weight was up.  I'm not surprised.  I had pizza on Thursday, can't remember Friday, a wedding on Saturday, Perkins-Starbucks-and Belgian chocolate on Sunday......  and yesterday it seemed like I couldn't eat enough.  I knew I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to feel stuffed.  I never was able to achieve it, but just kept on trying!  ugh!  I even woke up in the middle of the night with the painful, gut-wrenching punishment.

So back to Weight Watchers it is.  I need accountability and focus to get things back on track.  If the focus is on Points instead of food, I think I can get things under control.  Anxiety is not my friend, and I'm pretty sure that's where my big issues are.

My doctor gave the go-ahead to stop my Metformin and see what happens.  Last time it was an emotional nightmare, but I'm hoping the Zoloft helps keep that under control.  We're experimenting with a few things.  I tend to do better things for my body when I am not on any medication.  I'm in tune with my baseline and when something interferes with it, I naturally rebel against it.  

That's about it.  If you don't see me on here, just assume I'm spending a lot of time in my head trying to figure things out. 

Thank you guys for sharing your concern about my sister.  They don't know why her heart stopped...  just one of those things, I guess.   That explanation doesn't really give me much comfort.  She seems to be fine and sounds the same as she always has, so I'm not as panicky as I was.  I am, however, super sleepy!  But what else is new, I guess.  I'm always sleepy.  Stress makes it worse.

I had to shop for clothes yesterday so I wouldn't look like a total slob at my friend's wedding tomorrow.  Shopping was awkward.  After getting a few things at Macy's and failing miserably in trying to find pants, I finally found myself at Lane Bryant and got a great pair of black pants and a couple shirts.   I feel good that I have a few work outfits now that actually look decent.  I'm not thrilled about having to shop at Lane Bryant, though.  I remember losing weight before and thinking, I will never shop there again.  I've never been able to find pants that fit right at Lane Bryant until now.  They have this color coding system...  it worked out quite well!

Nothing much else to talk about really.   Just checking in.

I've been MIA for a few days.  We only have half of our staff working this week, so it appears I'm doing the work of two people!  Lucky for me, it's been easy so far.  I've only had about 3 waking hours to spend with FG since he got home. 

But that's not the bad part.  I called my sister on Tuesday night and she tells me she had been in the hospital for two days.  So I'm thinking.... omg, something happened to nephew.... blood clot...  oh my god....  and she tells me it wasn't nephew it was HER.  She collapsed at work and her heart stopped beating.  She turned blue.  Luckily, she works in a doctor's office, and the doctor happened to be there to perform the chest compressions and cpr to revive her.  They are going to do more testing to find out what's wrong with her.  So far, they don't know.

So ever since she told me, I can't get the "blue and pulseless" image out of my head.  I was in manic and panic mode after that.  One moment I felt okay and the next moment I was in tears thinking of what almost happened to my sister and worried it's going to happen again.  I didn't sleep much that night and had an all-day depo yesterday.  I performed the first half of my day in a panic attack.  I called sis, talked briefly, and then I started to relax a little after that.  Couldn't eat all day.  When I got home, FG took me to dinner, and my body started to shut down.  When we got home at 6:30 p.m., I went to bed. 

I'm feeling a tad better today after my 12 hours of rest.  My day is a little easier today.  My blood pressure was great on Monday, and has just gotten worse as the week wears on.  That's not going to go over too well at my doctor's appt. on monday.

FG brought home lots of Belgian chocolate.  Shame on him.  It's a good thing I don't like chocolate, but what I do like is PRETTY food, and this is pretty.  I keep nibbling on the pieces.  They are beautiful!  I should have taken a picture before I nibbled them all.  He also brought me a Murano (sp?) vase, trinket dish, and charm from Venice.  Lovely stuff!

I've been taking care that what I eat is nutritious.  My stomach feels less round as a result.  I'm having a few problems, though, and I think I need to work them out before it gets worse.  My mood is dangerously low.  I finished my book this afternoon and felt sad.  Sad that it was over.  Sad that I'd have to find something else to keep myself busy.  Sad that I have work to do but I don't want to do it because it's the weekend and after working as much as I have been, I shouldn't have to work at all on the weekend. 

I miss FG, and I know he's anxious to come home.  I feel sad that my spirit isn't in as good a place as his is.  When I think about the changes in his life recently, they just seem to make sense.  Everything is falling into place for him.  He's finding himself and working on himself and he's excited about things.  He has the freedom to do this, and I envy that.  His head is so clear right now and so at peace, and mine is a complete mess!  Most of all, I don't want to drag him down when he gets home.  I want both of us to be in a good place. 

I'm not sure how to help myself right now.  Shopping used to make me feel better, but I have no desire to shop.  As a matter of fact, I can't see it possible to pull myself together enough to go to FG's mom's house today.  I'm going to do it anyway, though.  Until now, I was undecided.  I think I have to go through the motions and at least give it a shot. 

I'll browse the fabric at the fabric store and thumb through some kwik-sew patterns.  I might buy a quilt book.  Looking at quilts always seems to help me feel inspired.  Perhaps I should start a quilting bee.  lol. 

I better go get ready before I change my mind.  It feels like I'm about to climb a mountain.  Depression hurts :(

So I did manage to sew finally on Thursday night.  I made a cute little nappy for Boy Dog, but I bought the wrong kind of velcro, so I had to use snaps instead.  It's cute, though!  I'm going to try to get out tomorrow and buy velcro so I can make some more.

Although I managed to get my project completed, the whole sewing thing didn't go quite as I'd planned.  Girl Dog is still ridiculously needy and cried and pawed the entire time I was trying to enjoy myself.  That made things difficult. 

She ate last night and again today, so I think she's feeling better.  FG put her cage (ie.: safeplace) in another room, and I brought it out yesterday just in case she was missing her retreat.  She got in it today on her own and laid down, so I guess that was a good move.  I worry about her.  She's so tiny and she just stares at me and makes this longgg wailing sound.  If I hold her, she stops.   She either misses FG or needs Zoloft.  All bodily functions are working fine.

I'm feeling a wee bit depressed yesterday and today, but I did manage to make the minestrone and I'm sitting here right now with a tingly tongue because I couldn't wait for it to cool before I ate it.  Doh!  It was so yummy.  I'm bringing some to FG's mom tomorrow.  I hope she likes it.

I've been completely unproductive with everything that doesn't involve the book, "The Host."  I started to really get into it late last night, and now I'm about halfway through after reading most of the day.  Now that my belly is full, I'm heading back to bed to read as much as I can before I fall asleep.  It's quite good!

FG comes home late Monday night.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's possible he might be going back real soon with ME!  I guess I need to update the address on passport.... just in case!

I just received a text back from Tatumsmom.  She's on her way home and they were able to do a laparoscopic procedure.  Yay!  Big hugs and wishes for a speedy recovery!

My lunch buddy was MIA today.  Not sure what happened, but I'll bet she got CALLED OUT.  hehehe.  bummer!  Glad it wasn't me. 

My job was over lickety-split, and I was out by 11:45.  Can't beat that.  It's a good thing, too, because I forgot to eat breakfast and started to feel real sick when I got there.  It looked like I was going to be there for quite some time, but I was very surprised and happy that I wasn't.

So I've eaten some of my leftover roasted veggie chili for lunch.  It is soooo much tastier the day after.  I'm glad I made it because as hungry as I was on my way home, not one single fast-food place looked remotely interesting to me.  I knew I had this waiting for me at home, and I'm determined to keep it a veg-happy week. 

I'm going to keep it as controlled as possible this week.  I didn't feel as "stuffed" today in my clothing, and that was pretty motivating to make sure it stays that way.

Okay...  Just got a call from my lunch friend.  She was running bridal errands and didn't hear her phone.  So it looks like we'll be visiting together while she eats lunch!  lol.  I'll order a fruit cup and an unsweet tea.  It'll be nice to catch up with her, and it's not about the food anyway!

So I went to the grocery store in the rainstorm.  No evidence of melting, unfortunately.  lol.  I was only able to make my roasted veggie chili.  I forgot the CMAs were on last night and a friend of mine was going to them and had close-to-stage floor seating, so I told her I'd keep my eyes peeled and watch for her.  Because of that, I didn't have time to keep chopping veggies for the minestrone.  I'll make that tonight.  And I didn't get to sew either!  I was so tired once the show ended that I ended up just going to bed.

So I got up early and have a few minutes to blog.  My job assignment isn't until 10, and whenever my jobs start at 10, I usually have a decent wakeful day.  It gives me enough time in the morning to pull myself together.  Makes me miss the good ole days when ALL of my jobs started at 10.  Life worked for me back then!

I just realized that I'm bored.  !!!  wtf?  I'm not sure how this happened.  When I lived alone like a hermit, I was never bored!  Seriously.  I was always pretty happy with my own company and managed to keep myself pretty entertained.  Clearly, I've gotten much too used to FG's presence.   He's been gone little more than 24 hours, and I'm lonely and bored?!  NO!!  I am entirely unrecognizable even to myself.  

When in the world did I become someone who sat around waiting for someone else to entertain me?!  OMG! 

I think we've gotten used to "hanging out" together.  It would almost feel rude to get up and leave him in one room while I go to another room to sew.   Because he's gone this week, I can do that without feeling like I'm abandoning him.  I must add that he wouldn't feel abandoned and encourages me to pursue my interests.  Maybe I prefer hanging out with him over spending the night sewing.

Perhaps I will spend the rest of his time away uncovering the independent person I once was.  Just as soon as I'm released from being on-call, I am heading to that grocery store so I can focus on making delicious and healthy food because I enjoy it, and focus less on the fact that I'll be eating alone this week.  I don't even care that it's pouring rain.  I am not going to melt.....  and if I do, that's OK, because I'm too big anyway!

When I get home, I am making a big pot of shelley's minestrone and a big pot of my WW roasted vegetable chili.  I'm going to pack some up to take to FG's mom tomorrow.  She'll like that.  My list is made, and I've checked the kitchen for items I already have and checked them off my list.  It's shocking how little food it takes to make such wonderful meals. 

After dinner, I am going to SEW.  First project on the list is going to be diapers (belly bands) for Boy Dog.  I bought some a while back on the internet, but they are made of fleece.  Fleece and cat hair don't coexist too well.  Yesterday I managed to swing by Hobby Lobby and grab a few fabric remnants to play with.  One is green with little monkeys all over it.  He's gonna be so cute in his new fancy nappies!  lol.