I got on the treadmill, just as I said I was going to, and I just kept going and going and going. My final time was 90 minutes and 10 seconds, and 72 of those minutes were with a decent incline.
Now, something happened to me on the treadmill tonight. I'm not sure it will happen tomorrow or the next day or even the day after that, but it happened tonight. I can only pray it happens again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.
Okay.... so I got on the treadmill, and the second song that started playing on my iPod shook something up. I listened to the words and played it over and over for thirty minutes and cried. (yes, this is kinda weird for me.) I'm not sure I can explain this very effectively. I'm not even sure I want to! But I feel like I have to try or I'll lose it.
When I used to jog and I would just get going with a nice trot, I would feel pretty euphoric. Life sort of came together for me when I would run. I am by no means a career runner, but my first taste of that runner's high (or jogger's high, in my case) was at a very young age.
So I'm on the treadmill tonight, and it's feeling good to be there, just like it used to. This is so freakin' hard to explain! I'm not sure how to do it. Try to imagine losing your dog, worrying yourself to death about where he could be, facing the fact that you'll never see him again or know what happened to him, coming to terms with it, mourning him, and then he shows up at the doorstep one day, tail wagging, and happy and healthy, as though he'd never gotten lost. You see him at your door, and your heart stops, you're choked up with emotion, and you're just so grateful to see him again... so thankful... and so emotional.
Basically, I think I've really missed some things and haven't known really how to get it back. I think the combination of the words in the song (which I just have to keep that part to myself) and the runner's high just sort of made me realize that what I "miss" is the part of me I feel like I've lost. Except I didn't know what that was exactly until tonight. I was mourning something that was missing, yet I couldn't pinpoint what it was. And once I realized it and got my grip on it, I didn't want to let it go. Getting off the treadmill was like closing the door on the puppy. It might not be there the next time you open the door.
It was hard to step off that treadmill. Very very hard. Even though I have muscle cramps, menstrual cramps, blisters on several of my toes, and I want to puke up my Lunchable.... I kinda want to climb back on the treadmill and spend my life there.
QOTD: You cannot tell your heart what it wants. Your heart will tell you.--Barbara Sher.
I had this great plan for my afternoon. I was going to work, stick to my eating plan, exercise............
Out of nowhere, BF says he's going to lie down for a bit. I decide to take a work break and go sit on the bed for a few minutes and gab. Next thing I know, I'm waking up THREE hours later. UGH. I hate it when that happens.
So I had fewer than five minutes to spend with BF before he had to leave for work, I'm totally behind on work, and I ate a disgusting Lunchable for dinner before I even completely woke up from my "nap."
There's only one thing to do. Abandon the idea of working on work stuff tonight -- after all, I'm already behind -- and hit the treadmill in an effort to gain a nice sense of accomplishment.
When I think of celery, it always reminds me of these shirts that tatumsmom linked us to a while back. One of them had a big celery stalk on it, and said "Stalker" on it. Love it.
I ate some celery last night. Unfortunately, it was looking kinda droopy so I jazzed it up with reduced-fat peanut butter. lol. No, I did NOT eat the whole jar..... just a tablespoon.
Feeling some work pressure this morning. I made good headway yesterday, but not enough. I feel anxious moving on to the next pile of stuff. I think it's because I'm starting the next pile instead of finishing the pile. Starting is always harder than finishing.
The temperature outside isn't too bad at the moment, and I just got in from watering my vegetable plants. They keep telling us we're getting rain, so I keep just waiting on the rain..... obviously, if we're getting rain, it's clearly not enough. I haven't watered my plants in days. Poor things are so thirsty they're almost dead. I can't let them die. They are already so pathetic. I have one surviving tomato (ONE!), and although he's not looking too healthy, he's finally ripening. I did see the beginnings of three more, though. I'm tempted to pick the old fart and give the three new ones a shot. I'd hate for him to suck up all the water before it can reach the babies.
Lunch: tuna salad on wheat bun, three cali cuties, orville 100-cal pack.
Dinner: Corky's BBQ microwave dinner.
Snacks: celery, jello, laughing cow cheese and reduced fat triscuits.
Updated with Actual Meals:
Breakfast: as stated.
Lunch: as stated.
Snack: CELERY!
Dinner: picked at leftovers from last night and decided to go with a Lunchable instead. Yeah, not so healthy, but incredibly easy.
I'm going to have to add all that up ahead of time. Corky's dinner is slightly higher in calories, so I want to make sure I spread everything out sufficiently. I might have to put that tuna salad on a lettuce leaf and drop the bun. I was a little over calories yesterday and don't want to go over today.
I will have a little challenge tonight, though. BF plays at the restaurant tonight and will bring home something delicious. Here is what I'm faced with: Spinach salad with strawberries, walnuts and bleu cheese; soft dinner rolls with honey butter (yeah, big problems here); filet mignon; sauteed mushrooms; roasted potatoes; and some type of chocolate or cheesecake dessert.
Uh-huh. Now, if he were bringing it home at dinner time, I'd be okay. I'd have to make a few adjustments in my portions, but I could handle it. He brings it home at 11:30 at night. Longgggg after I've eaten my dinner and about the time I'm developing strong "second-dinner" cravings.
I'm going to try exercising after he leaves for work. I'm more likely to be aware of my body if I've exercised it. I'm less likely to trash my workout for hot-honey-buttered rolls and the most delicious filet mignon EVER. Uggghhhh. I'm in trouble. Maybe I should just try to be sleeping when he gets home!!! lol.
Lunch: Fresh Express Waldorf salad and 3 california cuties and Orville popcorn cakes (yeah, yeah, definitely tastes better than celery. (Expiration date on salad is tomorrow. Wouldn't normally eat this two days in a row.)
Dinner: BF will have to factor into this equation, but I'm going to try to stick with either a tuna on wheat bun with spinach salad... or... hmm... I'm not coming up with much else. Dinner at home consisted of... marinated mushrooms and onions, teriyaki beef, sweet potato fries and corn on the cob.... and a sugar free ice cream bar!
Snacks: Celery needs to be a snack today. I don't want to throw away produce that got old and funky because the popcorn snack packs were better looking. I've also got a jello cup in there that needs to be eaten.
Well, that oughta do it. Boring, but at least I'm using food I already have in the house. I'm sure BF will suggest eating out. I don't want to eat out. I can't keep track of anything when I eat out. I'm putting my foot down. He can find something here in the house to eat.
I'm over-loaded on the working side of life. My job assignments have been soooo unusual compared to what I usually do. Yesterday was frightening and ended abruptly only a third of the way through it (thank God). It was uncomfortable and difficult and hostile and isolated, and I was scared and couldn't wait to get out of there. I felt a little joyous when it ended and wasn't afraid to share my feelings with the attorney. Apparently, we were on the same page. Never ignore your instincts. I've only felt "endangered" a few times in my career, but we were in a remote part of a hotel and I'm pretty sure it would have taken a while for someone to find our bodies. lol. It's sad, but the attorney had the same thought.
So today I'm at home and hoping nothing calls in. I need to get some work out. I'm amazed at how much I have to do, and that's still with someone helping me do it. I'm grateful. I want the money! Now that I'm on a savings budget, I appreciate the edge this money could give me!
That's all I've got for now. I hope you all are having a lovely day.
QOTD: Don't ask for a light load, but rather ask for a strong back. --anonymous.
Well, after I left you yesterday, I put my pants on! (applause is optional, but welcomed.)
My pants slid on with ease (from the dryer), and by the end of the day, they felt stretched out and --- dare I say --- BIG. Too big to actually fit appropriately or comfortably. My problem with that is that the next size down is too tight to fit straight from the dryer, so I'm in a weird limbo until I can lose about five pounds. My new goal is to fit into the next size down. At that point, I'll also be able to wear some pants I bought at Ann Taylor a while back. I might actually throw the dice and see if those will work for today.
My facial complexion issues were driving me nutso, and therefore, I've stopped taking the medication that's giving me that awful side effect. I'm pleased to say, I'm clearing up nicely and feel a lot better about how my face looks. I'll see what my alternatives are when I see the doctor next month. I just couldn't stand looking at myself. Perhaps if I were healthier and smaller, I wouldn't care about my face as much, but as bad as I feel about my body right now, I don't need to add a bad complexion to the mix. Now that it's looking a little better, I realize how much of an impact it was having on my mood.
I'm lacking in blog-posting discipline, as you can see!
Short synopsis: I've been working a bunch, fine-tuning my budget and NAPPING.
I can't seem to get one day without a 3 or 4-hour nap. I pressed on yesterday without one, but I ended up snacking through my "naptime." Had I slept, I could have just slept through snacktime! I'd be better off!
I made a great shrimp recipe yesterday. The first few recipe selections used more butter than I wanted. So I went with a marinated grilled shrimp recipe I found on allrecipes.com. The shrimp I bought were colossal, with only 9 shrimp per pound. I'm not sure I'll buy those again. They took a while to cook and it was hard to tell when they were done. Flavoring was good, though, and BF really liked them.
I'm working outside of the house today. I'm obsessing over what to wear. Nothing seems to be working. I'm pretty sure I won't be happy until I find an invisible cape!! I need to work hard this week so my slacks will be loose coming out of the dryer.
In an effort to keep the boobage contained, I bought a new bra last week. I failed to inspect it before purchasing, and when I got it home I realized there were six hooks on the back. Now, in my opinion, to justify six hooks, it better be the bra of all bras. This is not the case, unfortunately. It doesn't do anything special. It doesn't sing me to sleep or tell me jokes to lift my spirits, and it's not really "lifting" anything else either. So why, why, why are there SIX hooks? Do you know how hard it is to HOOK those six hooks? Is there a trick? A secret? As of now, I attempt to put it on like any other bra and find myself holding my breath until I accomplish the daunting task of fastening that last hook. Sometimes I'm holding my breath for a long, long time. There has to be a better way!!!
I better be going now. It will take at least ten minutes to zip my fresh-out-of-the-dryer slacks. Jeepers. First the bra... now the pants... perhaps I should be wearing a potato sack instead? It certainly sounds more comfortable :)
I vow that by Wednesday of next week, my pants will slide on straight out of the dryer.
I look forward to Fridays. Usually. I'm glad it's Friday, but I'm upset that I had to wake up early to be (drum roll, please) ON-CALL! I became riduculously busy with work this week, and was hoping to just be left off the schedule so I can work on it. Hopefully, nothing will call in and I'll get to do exactly that. Unfortunately, I'll be spending the weekend working. I got slammed! BUT, getting slammed means MORE MONEY! Can't complain about that!
I wanted to start my day a little early and get on the treadmill. Before going to bed, I wished myself an early rising. Unfortunately, the early rising was a 3:00 a.m. trip to the bathroom, and that was a tiny bit TOO early. I was really just hoping for something like 6:30.... setting the alarm early won't help me get up, and I've got to tell ya, as much as I love Fridays, it doesn't make "waking up" any easier on me. The dogs are getting groomed tomorrow, so I won't get a Saturday sleep-in day either.
I had to take stay-awake meds the last two days to get through my long days. They did help, and for that, I am thankful! Sadly, by the time I got home, I wasn't good for much. BF felt sorry enough for me that he cleaned the house while I was at work. So that goal of having a sparkly sink worked out pretty well. It's sparkling! He also cooked dinner yesterday! And it was really good! And healthy! I've been sharing my blood pressure readings with him so he can grasp the importance of proper food selections. I think he's starting to get it.
I've eaten well this week. I'm proud of my choices. Lots of fruits and veggies and proper portion sizes. I haven't logged any of it. I need to remember to stick a little notepad in my purse. As far as exercise goes, I have done only one day :( but I desperately want to be doing it right now. 8:30 a.m. works well for me. Instead, I'm sitting here all dressed up with nowhere to go. I may get on the treadmill and walk, but I don't want to walk unless I can jack up the incline and sweat my ass off, ya know? Jeesh.
One more thing before I go..... My mother did the most amazing thing. Mothers are supposed to do amazing things, right? (I'm being mildly sarcastic here)
She sent me a photo she took while I was in Wisconsin this past April. The photo is of me and my beautiful niece. In a moment of horror, I showed it to BF and shrieked, "IS THIS WHAT I LOOK LIKE?" His eyes got real wide and he covered his mouth and said nothing! omg. I asked him again. He said, "Don't get upset. It's not a good picture." So of course, I'm like, "So this is what I look like???" Of course, he doesn't need to say anything. I know that's what I look like.
I cried. That's one thing I've never done when I've seen fat pictures of myself. Usually, I look at them, become horrified, and just rip them up and get them out of view as quickly as I can. This one is different, though. This one looks a lot like the one from before (WAY BEFORE!!!) that I secretly saved.... My rock bottom photo from 2002 that nobody has seen except the picture-taker. It makes it worse that my eyes are half closed in BOTH pictures. That's never a good look. I'm repulsed by what I see in this picture. I know exactly where I'm going to put it, and it's going to be taped to the fridge alongside the "after" picture from 2006 in my running clothes.
It's all about choices, and I can't see the logic in choosing the fat picture. Staying like this (or becoming like this once again) is like saying, "I want to look and feel like this ugly, fat, unhappy girl."
NOOOOOOO, Oh, no, no, no, no, no........I absolutely do not!!!
....Is what I'm trying to be. Some days it takes more effort than other days.
Remember when I spoke of living conservatively? Well, now we're going to have to live "ultra" conservatively. BF's day job threw him a snag last week. The economy is in trouble, and we're finally going to feel the effects. However, I'm slightly less concerned about it than he is. Yeah, I'll have to eliminate a few extravagances and think before I spend. I can manage that. We are rethinking a wedding/reception, though. Kinda sucky, but no worries. The cost has been a little discouraging. I don't believe I should be spending that kind of money when my credit cards tell me I have ALREADY SPENT that much money. lol.
On the food front, I didn't go TOO overboard this weekend, but I think I could have done better. I was getting very creative with the food we had in the house, though. Some of the things I made were disgustingly awful. Just about as gross as you can imagine. BUT, I ate it. Food is for fuel, not comfort or pleasure.
When the weekend hits, I do find myself relaxing a little too much where food is involved. I generally don't log my food on the weekend, and I think if I did, I would see quite a bit more progress. There were more healthy days last week than unhealthy days, and, for that, I am proud of myself.
Weekly focus:
Three 30-minute cardio days (baby steps, y'all!)
Six 8-ounce glasses of water each day (not usually a problem, but still giving it equal importance by listing it)
K e e p - S i n k - S p a r k l y (isn't life always better with a clean sink?)
Countertops cleared of clutter for unobstructed food preparation (I'm less likely to prepare dinner if something else has to be done before I can prepare it.)
In bed by 10:30 (I am struggling with my sleep disorder, and I need to see if this helps.)
So I went shopping today. The experience was humbling. There were mirrors present everywhere I looked. I accidentally saw myself from the side one (TEN!) times too many. For some reason, I felt "stuffed" and the mirrors confirmed this for me. I felt ashamed and I just didn't want anyone to see me. I kept my head down and tried to blend in. Eventually, I had to just spare myself the humility and go home. WHAT was I thinking?! There was no enjoyment. None, whatsoever.
I did buy a couple things, and it amazes me how the one thing in one size is HUGE and another thing in the same size is quite tight. Weird. That's what I get for not trying them on. I'm not sure I can use either. I did come out with a fat shirt I like for home use. It's pretty enough to answer the door in or go outside to water my plants, but I won't be wearing it to work. It's a little too roomy and thin. Cute, though. Cute enough to be taken to the tailor when I drop this ridiculous parka of fat!
Work has once again gotten the best of me. At the beginning of the week, I was almost all caught up. Now I'm drowning! I hate that. It messed up my weekend. It also depresses me enough to keep me from exercising and start considering food options that are not healthy. Thankfully, I stayed strong and ate within the caloric bounds. No exercise the last two days, but the plan is to catch up on sleep and get in a little cardio tomorrow.
Time to get that sleep! Toodles. Have a great weekend :)
I've been trying to come up with exercise ideas that don't feel like exercise. A while back I was playing this Dance Maker (kids game) thing with my friend and her daughter. We were sweating up a storm. Now, I think part of the fun was that I was with my friend and her child, but I liked that I had to complete the cycle and then get my score. I might have subtle misremembrances of the game, but the important part is that it was fun and I sweat like crazy.
Another idea that BF really likes is a mini-trampoline. Some of the reviews on assembly are scary, but the Needak non-folding trampoline sounds like what we might get. There are also a few videos I'd like to get to go along with it. It's not exactly part of our budget, though, but it's certainly not going to break us. I might make this a health reward. We're going to have to earn it when we can prove we're worthy.
House cleaning. Cheap and rewarding! You get the benefit of all that moving and grooving, AND the house gets clean in the meantime. Not sold on the cleaning thing as exercise? Clip on a pedometer and check it when you're done cleaning. Lots of steps. For every step you take, you burn calories. It all adds up.
Walking the dogs. Too damn hot here lately for much dog-walking, but when ya walk the dogs, everyone gets exercise and you get to enjoy some happy poochies.
Grab a friend and go to your local "laser tag" fun-center. I did this years ago with my niece and some friends and had a blast. We followed that up with some miniature golf. It was a lot more fun than sitting at home!
Every time you go to a grocery store or department store, circle it twice before you start your shopping. It will help you remember what you're there to get (unless you're good and shop with a list!). When I used to do this (not sure why I QUIT doing this), I would actually get my grocery shopping done more quickly. I was less likely to mosey around wasting time.
Take the stairs when they are available. That seems easy enough! I did go to a mall a while back, though, and realized they removed the stairs in at least one location where I remember there being stairs. ?? I kept wondering if I was just confused or if there really used to be stairs there. I'm kinda sure there were stairs there because I'm almost certain I remember using them while my friend insisted she would use the escalator. Maybe I'm confused. Sometimes I get confused!
A few months ago I was on my way to work and my job cancelled en route. I was near the mall, so I decided to stop off there and browse for a while. Well, the mall was open, but the stores were all closed. So I walked around and noticed the most fascinating thing! It was filled with people! Older people who were mall-walking! lol. It's not like I haven't seen this before, but I've never seen it quite so active. I have never had to go to a mall before they were open, so this was my first introduction to the rush-hour of mall-walking. I loved it. I had some coffee, called my sister, and described to her what was going on. Most of the seating areas were taken by the men (husbands to some of the lady-walkers, I assume) having coffee and socializing. I felt like an intruder! I was party-crashing that morning. Although, I did notice a few walkers were just as interested in me (staring very obviously) as I was in them (staring just as obviously). hahaha. I was just so thrilled to see all of the healthy activity!
Yard work. This is a great way to get some exercise, have a great-looking lawn, and perhaps even injure yourself like I managed to do! After my long workday yesterday, my back pain has made its way back to being awful. More reason for me to be doing yardwork. My body obviously needs some conditioning.
Okay. Enough exercise for now. My face is still breaking out pretty bad from my meds, so the night before last, I chemicalized it. I used everything I had that even suggested it would help me with this problem. I woke up yesterday with the itchiest forehead you could imagine. When I looked in the mirror, my forehead was RED. It looks like my chemicals burned the skin or something. Fortunately, it seemed to help because my forehead looked a little better, but I think it might be just because the redness camoflauged everything that's going on up there.
I left for work yesterday and forgot to record the crockpot thing Shelley told me about on Rachel Ray. So, please, someone (SHELLEY!), tell me what I missed!!
I've got to go catch up on blogs. Missing a day throws me too far out of the loop.
