I feel like I'm giving it a half-assed attempt to stay on track this week.  Yesterday was an outside-the-house dinner, and not the greatest one at that.  Unfortunately, half the day was spent trying to finish some work, rush to get my paperwork downtown, and then hurry to the courthouse so I wouldn't be late.  I never gave myself time to think about what it was I should be eating yesterday, and the result was a less than healthy option.  I'm not feeling too awful about it, though.  I just need to tweak some things.  Such as...  I'm out of dip for my cauliflower, and I've been too busy to find an appetizing alternative way to eat it. 

I'm supposed to be mapping out BF's and my vacation right now since I have a few free hours.  It's not until October, but it might be good to start planning now.  We're not doing anything major (no London!), but I think it will be a lot of fun and a lot more relaxing.  There's going to be some driving involved, and it will be spread out a bit while we explore the Tennessee backroads.  I might even call the fat camp and see if we can be shown around.  I'm supposed to treat my sister to a week at that place (I lost a bet).  This year didn't work out so well for that since she kept finding other places to go, but it might be nice to get a look at it before booking it next year. 

I'm anxiously awaiting my admissions packet from the school.  I did buy a great nutrition book last week just to familiarize myself with formulas and percentages and special dietary restrictions.  I even found some practice quizzes and things on the internet.  What I need to do is call the school and meet with a counselor and get the process started before I get too scared or intimidated to do it.  It's amazing how quickly I can talk myself out of something, and I don't want to do that when I've actually found something to be excited about!

• Plan:
• bfast:  bran flakes/skim milk, 1 orange
• lunch:  tuna sandwich
• dinner:  tortellini and spinach with italian seasoning (SMALL portion), cherry tomatoes, sweet corn.
• snacks:  orange, 1/2 cup sherbet, 1/2 melon.

QOTD:  Now is the time.  --Martin Luther King, Jr.

This entry was going to start different, but I've lost my train of thought.  All of my favorite coffees are gone and I had to go with the backup coffee this morning.  (I'm trying not to buy more coffee until it's necessary.)  I just took a sip.  Really awful. 

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  I was a blubbery mess.  She confirmed my suspicion that stopping the Metformin last month was likely a contributor to the emotions.  Good thing I'm on it again.  Things should sort out within a week or two.  My next dr. appointment will be the one that matters.  She will be rechecking my cholesterol, and it HAS to be lower than it was six months ago.  I'll need to stay focused to make sure that happens.  Heredity is not on my good side with this one.

Bed time has been shoved later and later, and I have to get that under control this week and make things easier on myself.  BF's been upset about work stuff, and before we go to bed, I trick him into feeling better by opening up my iTunes and playing DJ with some mutual favorites.  It usually brings him out of the funk, and then he has to play some on his list, too.  It's fun.  We only play about a minute of each song to keep things going.  Unfortunately, it takes a while to get to sleep after all of that.

I did just okay with food yesterday.  We contemplated going out for dinner, which would have been a big mistake.  It was raining really hard, and making the choice to drive in that mess seemed really ridiculous.  So we ate at home, and I was pretty relieved, actually.  I think I'm slacking on all of the fresh veggies the last few days, and it's making me want to eat.  Last night was tough.  I was snacky.  When I get like that, bran flakes usually takes away the urge.  So I had a big bowl of bran flakes and enjoyed every second of it.  I'll need to eat more veggies today, though.

Got to get some work done.  I hate the pressure of deadlines.

I think I must be down a few pounds.  Things are feeling a little different in some places.  The right things are happening, and it's just evidence that the body sorts itself out when it's provided with proper fuel.

My week was stressful, and once I got a moment to blog, I couldn't get my brain to focus on anything.  So I didn't focus on anything.  I just sat.  And tried to recover.  And then I got a call from my office, and they stuck me on another rush job yesterday.  pffffffttttttt.  Hate that.  It's got to be the most unfulfilling job choice in the world.  And I'm sick of bringing it home with me.  I want to be home when I'm home.  There are hobbies I want to pursue while relaxing at home.  I wanted to do some of them this weekend.  But instead, I will be working this weekend.  at home.  grrrrr.

Soooo... after three-plus years of researching/pondering it, and two conversations with tatumsmom about it, I went ahead and made the first step to create a more fulfilling life for myself.  I submitted an inquiry to a local college to see what I need to do to enroll.  Since I can't just quit my job, it might take me forever to finish a program, but even just one class might lift my spirits enough to keep me going.  So....  we'll see!  Registration for the fall ended yesterday, so I've got some time before next semester to get it all in order.  Had I gotten my crap together last week and done it, I could already be enrolled in a Monday evening Nutrition class!  Bummer.

Just submitting the online request for information gave me a nervous stomach.  Kind of excited, though.  I actually want to take those classes.  I even saw a couple other programs I might want to dip into.  I feel good about it.  I'll get my feet wet and see what happens after that.  You never know where life will take you.  When I was in school way back when, it was all about getting out of school.  Now that I'm older, I actually want to learn some things.  I have a completely different outlook. 

I've done very well with my plan lately, but I'm running out of food so it's becoming less exciting.  My food is neither "new" or "exciting," but rather, old and boring.  Time for a grocery trip, I'd say!  More cauliflower.  I need a new food focus this week, though.  Not sure yet what it will be.  I'm thinking something as simple as a few different types of lettuce and finding creative ways to use the leaves.  Tuna tucked into a lettuce leaf, anyone?  Oh, yeah!  lol. 

Time to go be productive.

QOTD:  Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow. --doug firebaugh

Have you ever seen the movie, Overboard?  The one with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell?  Do you know the part in the movie where the kids are throwing grapes and stuff at her and she's just sitting there staring into space going, "bubba-ba bubba-ba bubba-ba"?  I kinda feel like that.  Totally overworked.  It's either underworked or overworked.  What does BALANCE feel like? 

Today was another good day with food, I'd say.  I had an unplanned Weight Watcher's ice cream bar, but I'm trying hard to forgive myself.  lol.  I did the unbelievable this week... I survived pms without any binging.  I didn't even know I was having pms...  well, unless you count all of those terrible mood swings.  I think my swing might have reached another planet at one point last week.  I hope I'm over that. 

I'm loving my magic bullet.  Today we made a slushy with orange sherbet and peaches.  Yum.  Using the standard-size blender (or even the frozen dessert maker) for stuff like this is just not practical.  It's hard to clean, and it's big and heavy and clunky.  The little bullet is perfect.  I'm leaving it on the counter.  It's small enough that I don't even need to put it away, and I'm determined to keep it in use. 

QOTD:  If there is to be any peace it will come through being, not having. --henry miller.

Tonight I dug out our dusty unopened "Magic Bullet" blender and made the most amazing pineapple fruit slushy.  What was I thinking just letting that thing sit around getting dusty???  It was actually just as easy to use as the infomercial suggests.

I used four ice cubes, a few spoonfulls of pineapple sorbet, and a few spoonfulls of crushed pineapple.  Absolutely Delish!!! I got the idea from a Prevention magazine (I think), but they suggested lemon sorbet, and I couldn't find that anywhere so I used pineapple. 

My eating has been awfully good lately.  I'm trying to be creative, and it keeps me from getting bored with food.  My slushy was virtually fat free, low in calories, and better tasting (and maybe even better consistency) than ice cream.  I'm trying to focus on eating things that will fix my bad skin, and it's working.  So far.   Honestly, the fear of eating something that might make me break out terrifies me so much that I lose my appetite.  I'm sure that won't always be the case. 

Someday I'll be faced with tough food decisions and I just might make the wrong choice.  Thankfully, though, that day wasn't today!

QOTD: Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them. --Leo Tolstoy

Can't you just feel their determination?  It's something else.  I've never had the Olympics in HD on a big screen until now, and it is totally consuming.   The detail is incredible, and I can see their muscles working with each and every step.  It's amazing what the body can do....  or rather what WE can do with OUR bodies.

My healthy food of the week has been cauliflower.  I don't usually buy it (or eat it), but I don't hate it.  Therefore, it found a place in my fridge this week. We bought some fat-free dip to give it a little more interest, and I'm finding it to be a tasty little crunchy snack.  It also helps to munch on it during the times I'm starving and can't cook dinner fast enough. 

Did you know that sulforaphane, a compound formed when cruciferous veggies (like cauliflower) are chopped or chewed, triggers the liver to detoxify cancer-causing chemicals, inhibits chemically-induced breast cancers in animal studies, and induces colon cancer cells to commit suicide?  You can learn all about it at the World's Healthiest Foods website.

I've decided to learn as much as I can about food, starting with cauliflower.

I'm so glad it's Friday.  I'm going to start by saying I'm so thankful my clothes are loose.  I spent a lot of  hours focusing on and thinking about that yesterday, and it did help me get through the day.

Now, unfortunately, instead of sleeping away the weekend (as I had intended), I will be struggling to complete a 300-page transcript from yesterday's job assignment.

I didn't get to exercise at home yesterday, but it's a good thing I got LOTS of core strengthening in those eight hours while I balanced on the too-tall, too-hard, too rigid antique secretary chair they graciously provided for me to sit on.  As long as their butts are happily cushioned in big leather chairs, my insignificant butt will be A-OK sitting on what felt like a block of concrete for 8 hours. (NOT! NOT! NOT!).

It was a good thing that I hadn't eaten before this job because my stomach was appropriately trained by 8:00 p.m. on how to starve.  Because 8:00 is the time they felt appropriate to stop for the day, and who really needs food anyway...

Oh, also...  it had to be Divine Intervention that I left my water in the car, because if I hadn't, I might have drank it to avoid becoming dehydrated.   This certainly would have resulted in tinkling all over myself waiting for them to ask me if I needed a break THREE HOURS after beginning the case (most people break every hour, hour-and-a-half in this type of thing).  There wasn't even an open window for me to ASK for a break.

Wait.....  does pee freeze?  I'm sure even pee freezes at the right temperature, and the room was at least a few degrees COLDER than whatever temperature pee freezes at.   I'm pretty sure my bladder resembled a little icy rock at that point....  along with the rest of my internal organs, as my fingers are still a little blue.

Thankfully, my fingers didn't just freeze and fall off.   That kinda would have been impossible because everyone made sure I moved them faster than humanly possible.  It made things more interesting as they continually cut each other off mid-sentence.  I just love it when they do that....  for so many hours.... at 300 words per minute.... in the freezing cold.  (NOT! NOT! NOT!)

Oh, it was a fun-fun-fun-funday.  Yep.  And today is a new day.  Thank God.

Obviously, no exercise yesterday....  unless we count the balancing-on-the-chair thing.  I'll be pretty maxed out with this transcript this weekend, so if I'm not blogging, that's why!

My hunger from yesterday has caught up with me now, and I'm forced to make decisions on food.  Thankfully, the house is stocked with all the right stuff that's going to get me through this weekend without gaining weight!

BF and I found ourselves in a food trap yesterday.  We had to make a Walgreen's run, and we both happened to be hungry.  We chatted about the dangerous element of being in the car and hungry and how we could go to Jimmy John's and have an easy early dinner. 

Hmmm.... Jimmy Johns ain't bbq, but it also isn't ON THE PLAN.

Panic sets in...  there are enticing things at Jimmy Johns, and if I'm that hungry, will I be able to order smartly?  Probably so, actually!  It's one of the few places I don't have a problem with..... But it's not part of the plan.  The plan was to eat at home and bond as a couple by cooking together.

So we went to the grocery store and bought tilapia, spinach, mushrooms, onions, and the most delicious sweet corn of the season.  We did our bond-by-cooking thing and used the kitchen table for its intended purpose.  It was great!

My overall mood yesterday was sooooo much better, but I drifted off to sleep at one point in the evening, and when I woke up, I was a different person.  I think my hormones are completely out of whack and pms could be contributing.    Once I get home from work today, the night will be dedicated to getting on the treadmill....  no. matter. what.  I'm going to systematically go through a list of things that fight depression until I can get over the hump.  The key is to do these things when my mood feels mildly better and not take those pleasant moments for granted.

Figured I better write something since I didn't blog yesterday.  I don't want absence to become a habit. 

Yesterday was only mildly better than my last blog.  But better is better, and I'll take it.  Depression hurts!  I managed to eat pretty clean yesterday, and I feel a little better today.  Frankly, I'd like 'feeling better' to become the trend.  My mood swings have been outrageous, and I'm not sure they've ever been worse than the other night.  I've noticed a pattern, and it's something I mentioned to BF very casually on the bad day before things got bad.  I'm going to be keeping a written journal in a notebook to see if I can pin it down.

I've started taking my Metformin again.  I did some reading yesterday and familiarized myself a little more, and if I'm going to have bad skin anyway, I might as well prevent a bunch of other big ugly things that might pop up without medicinal intervention. 

As far as work goes, I managed to dodge the bullet yesterday and was able to stay home with bf.  It was nice.  I didn't do any work at home either.  He spent most of the day trying to get me to laugh.  He can be ridiculously comical when he applies himself.  I'm not sure today will go quite as well, but I'm hopeful that whatever happens, it will be something I can handle.  

I had a bit of an emotional breakdown today.  I'm not really in the mood to blog, but I'm going to because maybe it will help me a little.

My health is making me panicky.  I've screwed up quite a bit this weekend, and my fingernails are all bitten off.  I had kept them pretty for two months! My poor complexion has returned, and I can hardly stand to look at myself.  It's amazing what that can do to a person's self-esteem, you know?

Yesterday was very emotional.  BF and I helped his mom with a task that was very painful for both of them.  We also took her to lunch, which didn't go too well for my diet. 

My emotions got the best of me, and when I got out of the tub this evening, I let it all out on BF in a big blubbery sobby mess. 

Let me explain another key factor....  There is this thing coming up that BF is involved in.  I didn't go last year because I was getting my house ready to sell.  There's no reason for me not to go this year.  Not going would be unusual.  I cannot go looking (or feeling) like I do.  I wanted to lose a few pounds, get my face under control, just get to a good place where I won't feel so ashamed of myself in front of all of these other people, who will surely take one look at me and be shocked by what I've become.

I cried and apologized to BF for not being able to get a handle on this, because I don't know if I can attend this thing.  I don't want anyone to see me.  It's not until next month, but I feel so badly right now that I can't see it happening.  I just can't go and put myself (or him) through it.  I'd be visibly uncomfortable, and that would affect him and what he's there to do.

Anyway....  his reaction was wonderful and supportive, and he pulled through for me, as usual, and sat me down and made me plan my meals for the week.  He even went out to the grocery store at 11:30 this evening to make sure I had what I needed.  He's weirdly insistent with stuff like that.  I seriously didn't want him going out at this hour to get me grapes, for goodness sake.  I'm sitting here a little terrified he's going to get mugged.  I thought blogging might help divert my worries until he got back.

Today sucked, but it doesn't mean tomorrow will.  I hope not, anyway.  When I got out of the tub, I wanted to hide from the world.  I felt so low that I couldn't stop crying.  I feel a smidge better about things now, but I still want to cry.  I hope it's better tomorrow.  I feel so bad right now that I can't imagine having to work and appear normal. 

Anyone ever feel like that?  I'd love some tips on how to get through it.