Thank you guys for sharing your concern about my sister.  They don't know why her heart stopped...  just one of those things, I guess.   That explanation doesn't really give me much comfort.  She seems to be fine and sounds the same as she always has, so I'm not as panicky as I was.  I am, however, super sleepy!  But what else is new, I guess.  I'm always sleepy.  Stress makes it worse.

I had to shop for clothes yesterday so I wouldn't look like a total slob at my friend's wedding tomorrow.  Shopping was awkward.  After getting a few things at Macy's and failing miserably in trying to find pants, I finally found myself at Lane Bryant and got a great pair of black pants and a couple shirts.   I feel good that I have a few work outfits now that actually look decent.  I'm not thrilled about having to shop at Lane Bryant, though.  I remember losing weight before and thinking, I will never shop there again.  I've never been able to find pants that fit right at Lane Bryant until now.  They have this color coding system...  it worked out quite well!

Nothing much else to talk about really.   Just checking in.

I've been MIA for a few days.  We only have half of our staff working this week, so it appears I'm doing the work of two people!  Lucky for me, it's been easy so far.  I've only had about 3 waking hours to spend with FG since he got home. 

But that's not the bad part.  I called my sister on Tuesday night and she tells me she had been in the hospital for two days.  So I'm thinking.... omg, something happened to nephew.... blood clot...  oh my god....  and she tells me it wasn't nephew it was HER.  She collapsed at work and her heart stopped beating.  She turned blue.  Luckily, she works in a doctor's office, and the doctor happened to be there to perform the chest compressions and cpr to revive her.  They are going to do more testing to find out what's wrong with her.  So far, they don't know.

So ever since she told me, I can't get the "blue and pulseless" image out of my head.  I was in manic and panic mode after that.  One moment I felt okay and the next moment I was in tears thinking of what almost happened to my sister and worried it's going to happen again.  I didn't sleep much that night and had an all-day depo yesterday.  I performed the first half of my day in a panic attack.  I called sis, talked briefly, and then I started to relax a little after that.  Couldn't eat all day.  When I got home, FG took me to dinner, and my body started to shut down.  When we got home at 6:30 p.m., I went to bed. 

I'm feeling a tad better today after my 12 hours of rest.  My day is a little easier today.  My blood pressure was great on Monday, and has just gotten worse as the week wears on.  That's not going to go over too well at my doctor's appt. on monday.

FG brought home lots of Belgian chocolate.  Shame on him.  It's a good thing I don't like chocolate, but what I do like is PRETTY food, and this is pretty.  I keep nibbling on the pieces.  They are beautiful!  I should have taken a picture before I nibbled them all.  He also brought me a Murano (sp?) vase, trinket dish, and charm from Venice.  Lovely stuff!

I've been taking care that what I eat is nutritious.  My stomach feels less round as a result.  I'm having a few problems, though, and I think I need to work them out before it gets worse.  My mood is dangerously low.  I finished my book this afternoon and felt sad.  Sad that it was over.  Sad that I'd have to find something else to keep myself busy.  Sad that I have work to do but I don't want to do it because it's the weekend and after working as much as I have been, I shouldn't have to work at all on the weekend. 

I miss FG, and I know he's anxious to come home.  I feel sad that my spirit isn't in as good a place as his is.  When I think about the changes in his life recently, they just seem to make sense.  Everything is falling into place for him.  He's finding himself and working on himself and he's excited about things.  He has the freedom to do this, and I envy that.  His head is so clear right now and so at peace, and mine is a complete mess!  Most of all, I don't want to drag him down when he gets home.  I want both of us to be in a good place. 

I'm not sure how to help myself right now.  Shopping used to make me feel better, but I have no desire to shop.  As a matter of fact, I can't see it possible to pull myself together enough to go to FG's mom's house today.  I'm going to do it anyway, though.  Until now, I was undecided.  I think I have to go through the motions and at least give it a shot. 

I'll browse the fabric at the fabric store and thumb through some kwik-sew patterns.  I might buy a quilt book.  Looking at quilts always seems to help me feel inspired.  Perhaps I should start a quilting bee.  lol. 

I better go get ready before I change my mind.  It feels like I'm about to climb a mountain.  Depression hurts :(

So I did manage to sew finally on Thursday night.  I made a cute little nappy for Boy Dog, but I bought the wrong kind of velcro, so I had to use snaps instead.  It's cute, though!  I'm going to try to get out tomorrow and buy velcro so I can make some more.

Although I managed to get my project completed, the whole sewing thing didn't go quite as I'd planned.  Girl Dog is still ridiculously needy and cried and pawed the entire time I was trying to enjoy myself.  That made things difficult. 

She ate last night and again today, so I think she's feeling better.  FG put her cage (ie.: safeplace) in another room, and I brought it out yesterday just in case she was missing her retreat.  She got in it today on her own and laid down, so I guess that was a good move.  I worry about her.  She's so tiny and she just stares at me and makes this longgg wailing sound.  If I hold her, she stops.   She either misses FG or needs Zoloft.  All bodily functions are working fine.

I'm feeling a wee bit depressed yesterday and today, but I did manage to make the minestrone and I'm sitting here right now with a tingly tongue because I couldn't wait for it to cool before I ate it.  Doh!  It was so yummy.  I'm bringing some to FG's mom tomorrow.  I hope she likes it.

I've been completely unproductive with everything that doesn't involve the book, "The Host."  I started to really get into it late last night, and now I'm about halfway through after reading most of the day.  Now that my belly is full, I'm heading back to bed to read as much as I can before I fall asleep.  It's quite good!

FG comes home late Monday night.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's possible he might be going back real soon with ME!  I guess I need to update the address on passport.... just in case!

I just received a text back from Tatumsmom.  She's on her way home and they were able to do a laparoscopic procedure.  Yay!  Big hugs and wishes for a speedy recovery!

My lunch buddy was MIA today.  Not sure what happened, but I'll bet she got CALLED OUT.  hehehe.  bummer!  Glad it wasn't me. 

My job was over lickety-split, and I was out by 11:45.  Can't beat that.  It's a good thing, too, because I forgot to eat breakfast and started to feel real sick when I got there.  It looked like I was going to be there for quite some time, but I was very surprised and happy that I wasn't.

So I've eaten some of my leftover roasted veggie chili for lunch.  It is soooo much tastier the day after.  I'm glad I made it because as hungry as I was on my way home, not one single fast-food place looked remotely interesting to me.  I knew I had this waiting for me at home, and I'm determined to keep it a veg-happy week. 

I'm going to keep it as controlled as possible this week.  I didn't feel as "stuffed" today in my clothing, and that was pretty motivating to make sure it stays that way.

Okay...  Just got a call from my lunch friend.  She was running bridal errands and didn't hear her phone.  So it looks like we'll be visiting together while she eats lunch!  lol.  I'll order a fruit cup and an unsweet tea.  It'll be nice to catch up with her, and it's not about the food anyway!

So I went to the grocery store in the rainstorm.  No evidence of melting, unfortunately.  lol.  I was only able to make my roasted veggie chili.  I forgot the CMAs were on last night and a friend of mine was going to them and had close-to-stage floor seating, so I told her I'd keep my eyes peeled and watch for her.  Because of that, I didn't have time to keep chopping veggies for the minestrone.  I'll make that tonight.  And I didn't get to sew either!  I was so tired once the show ended that I ended up just going to bed.

So I got up early and have a few minutes to blog.  My job assignment isn't until 10, and whenever my jobs start at 10, I usually have a decent wakeful day.  It gives me enough time in the morning to pull myself together.  Makes me miss the good ole days when ALL of my jobs started at 10.  Life worked for me back then!

I just realized that I'm bored.  !!!  wtf?  I'm not sure how this happened.  When I lived alone like a hermit, I was never bored!  Seriously.  I was always pretty happy with my own company and managed to keep myself pretty entertained.  Clearly, I've gotten much too used to FG's presence.   He's been gone little more than 24 hours, and I'm lonely and bored?!  NO!!  I am entirely unrecognizable even to myself.  

When in the world did I become someone who sat around waiting for someone else to entertain me?!  OMG! 

I think we've gotten used to "hanging out" together.  It would almost feel rude to get up and leave him in one room while I go to another room to sew.   Because he's gone this week, I can do that without feeling like I'm abandoning him.  I must add that he wouldn't feel abandoned and encourages me to pursue my interests.  Maybe I prefer hanging out with him over spending the night sewing.

Perhaps I will spend the rest of his time away uncovering the independent person I once was.  Just as soon as I'm released from being on-call, I am heading to that grocery store so I can focus on making delicious and healthy food because I enjoy it, and focus less on the fact that I'll be eating alone this week.  I don't even care that it's pouring rain.  I am not going to melt.....  and if I do, that's OK, because I'm too big anyway!

When I get home, I am making a big pot of shelley's minestrone and a big pot of my WW roasted vegetable chili.  I'm going to pack some up to take to FG's mom tomorrow.  She'll like that.  My list is made, and I've checked the kitchen for items I already have and checked them off my list.  It's shocking how little food it takes to make such wonderful meals. 

After dinner, I am going to SEW.  First project on the list is going to be diapers (belly bands) for Boy Dog.  I bought some a while back on the internet, but they are made of fleece.  Fleece and cat hair don't coexist too well.  Yesterday I managed to swing by Hobby Lobby and grab a few fabric remnants to play with.  One is green with little monkeys all over it.  He's gonna be so cute in his new fancy nappies!  lol.

I had a terrific lunch with our Bridget this afternoon at Atlanta Bread.  Girl lunches always inspire me.  She is delightful!  Good conversation, great company, and a fresh healthy lunch!  I love my EP friends.

Following lunch, I spent about an hour with FG's mom and then went to the fabric store.  I love the fabric store.  I bought a dust cover for my sewing machine in the hopes of getting it set up again soon.  When I called FG and told him what I bought, he asked if we should go to the storage facility and get my sewing table and chair.  So we did!  So now I'm all set up!  The second I pulled that sewing machine out of the box, I felt good.  Almost like a relieved feeling.  I missed it!  I can't wait to sew something. 

Today was a good day.  I feel happy.  Now I just have to do what I can to stay this way. 

My niece and I have bonded over the Twilight saga.  Today we both finished reading the 12-chapter excerpt to the fifth book, "Midnight Sun" that's posted on the author's website.  I've got to admit, I really enjoyed hearing things from Edward's point of view.  I'd be surprised if she didn't go ahead and release the finished version after the movie comes out.  Although, having read the 12 chapters, I'm more excited about seeing the movie. 

Sister and nephew have been having some event-induced depression following the stress over the surgery.  Sister called me on Monday and was very sad, and after many suggestions to her of things she could do to feel better, she took my suggestion to read the books I sent my niece.  She started with the Hunger Games and has already worked her way through the Twilight books.  She's on the last one.  I'm shocked she liked them.  Every time I call her to see if she's feeling better, she just says, "I can't talk, I'm reading."  So I think she's feeling better.  Niece even did the dishes yesterday aso my sister didn't have to stop reading.  LOL. 

I can't seem to find anything that holds my interest the way those books did, so I bought "The Host" a few nights ago in an attempt to locate my "reader's passion."  So far, so good.  I was only a few chapters into it before deciding to jump into 264 pages of Edward's head. 

Clearly, I'm rebelling against working this weekend.  Earlier, I felt the pangs of drowsiness and allowed myself a nap!!  And I'm feeling mild abandonment issues because FG is leaving on Tuesday for Brussels and then Venice after that.  So I get to stay home and work and take care of the house and seven animals while he's off enjoying himself.  Ideally, I'd be going with him.  For him, this is a working trip (partially) that somebody else is footing the bill for.  BUT STILL.  I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.  I feel bad being stuck HERE when he gets to be THERE.  Grrr. 

I'm blaming PMS.  I'm irritable.  Usually when he's out of the country he's working 90% of the time.  From the way it sounds this time, he'll be working 10% of the time.  I should be happy for him that he gets to see his overseas buddies.  I guess I am happy about that.  I'm just unhappy because I'll miss him and be lonely.  He hasn't left the country in a long time, and I've forgotten what it's like when he's gone.  And I hate that I'm feeling left behind. 

If he knew how I was feeling, he'd cancel the trip.  At one point, he sensed it and said he'd rather not go if it's going to hurt my feelings.  So I have to try to stay upbeat.  I'm not feeling all that upbeat.  My sleep issues have been incredibly intrusive lately, and I feel a little zoned out and detached.  pms could be factoring into that.  Maybe I just need more sleep.

I ate like crap today, and it's doing nothing for my already-depressed mood. 

Oh wait --- before I forget --- change of subject!

Yesterday, at work, I spoke to a woman who goes to little college.  She just finished elementary algebra and english comp. (the classes I intend to take) and filled me in on her instructors and her feelings about going back to school after 20 years.  She loved her instructors and strongly encouraged me to register for their classes.  Not sure I will do that, but it did make me feel a little more at ease about returning to school while holding a job.  She didn't seem to think those two classes were all that consuming.

So I guess I'm really excited about school and a little impatient to just get things rolling. 

I'm so sorry to those of you who have made it this far in my blog.  My brain just isn't working well today, even after my super-long nap this afternoon.  I think it might be best to just go to bed, once and for all!  Although, a soak in the tub sounds better than bed.  Bed will feel better after a soak.

Crap.  I just realized I forgot to "soak" the dogs.  Looks like I'm up for a while.

Work stuff:  Super busy.  I've searched deep and found a way to handle it with a positive attitude.  More work means more money, and more money means no debt, and no debt means freedom.  Free to find a lesser-paying job that might offer a more fulfilling career life, and free to cut back on work and focus on school.  Right now my job is an avenue to the things I want out of life.  This is what gives me options.  As long as I hold my head high and get through it and focus on the goal, someday it will be different.

School stuff:  My high school still hasn't cashed my $5 check or sent my transcripts.  I'll have to call them.  It's beginning to seriously irritate me.

More school stuff:  I spent a lot of time online the other night looking at classes and trying to decide what I want to take.  Since my algebra skills are so lacking, I have to start with elementary algebra.  I'd like to take that on Saturday mornings so I will have time immediately following the class to do any homework that might be required for the week. 

I think I'll take music appreciation as an online course so I can involve my musicial FG in my studies and get used to the online structure.  Plus, you have to attend three musical events during the semester, and I recognized two on the list from the past semester that FG was involved in.  That might be fun.

 I'm debating on whether I should take English on Monday nights or online.  My gut tells me to do it in person because I anticipate the "in-person" testing part of the online class to conflict with work, and I'm not prepared to get into any conflicts just yet.  Plus, I have this whole test-anxiety type of fear of essays and such and it might help me focus to take that class in person.  I go back and forth on this.  Dedicating that one evening to this class might be structurally better for me than having to sign in four times a week and risk not giving the class enough attention because of work or something.  I don't know.  :(

That should do it.  If all goes well and I can get fully admitted, that's the plan.  I guess I should get an appointment with an admissions counselor.  I'm running out of time.

Food stuff:  Not great.  Being tired and getting home late is a bad combination.  My lunches are at weird times and my breakfasts aren't consistent, and that sets the stage for disasterous dinnertimes.  If I don't get my butt in gear this morning and eat something, today will be another disaster.

Other stuff:  pms.  tgif.

Extra stuff:  FG is still in cleaning mode.  He's sorted and organized everything in the house!  It's remarkable.  I think he feels obligated since his work situation changed.  We haven't noticed too much difference in our income or lifestyle, but he has more time available to spend on the house.  He also mentioned enjoying the cabin in Gatlinburg so much that he just wanted to enjoy the house more.  It's nice.  Once work slows down, I'm looking forward to enjoying it, too!  lol.  Actually, he has a spot cleared in the front room for my sewing machine.  I can't wait to set it up and use it!