An Inner Dialogue
It is amazing what happens when you set a hard and fast goal and really want to succeeed.
I call this my "steak in the ground" moment. I put down the steak and live with the choices I make - however there often come with that a fear of the unknown. A fear of failure *gasp* A fear of success. A fear of actually sacrificing to make it work.
Why?
So here is the little inner dialogue I just had withmyself as I logged in my points for today on WW online. (side note here - I am currently set for 27/27 points if I follow my dinner! I am having a hard time with the adding of gatorade or Accelerade, bt I have to count these, so my point values will actually be over 27. I think that I will have to start taking them as trade for my APs. Grrr. Hydration woes. But honeslty - who ever gained weight by drinking a sports drink while exercising? ) Anyhow - I digress...
217.4 at weigh in today!!! Next weigh in goal - 215. Come on girl! You can so do this!!!! What is your excuse this time? Failure? Sorry... errrrnt... wrong. Not an option chica.
I love how I have to psych myself out. does anyone else have to sit there and argue with themselves in the mirror?
I like seeing the body I am developing and that in itself should be all the motivation I need, right? However I STILL have this freaking fear of success. I am almost afraid of commiting to the goal. I know - sounds rediculous, and obviously I want this bad enough if I am spending both time and money on loosing weight and getting stronger and healthy.
I am just afraid that everyone thinks that I will fail, so what will they think if I succeed.
This is one fear that I can do without.
So - I did something about it. I read something Friday that really jolted me awake. In it I think I have found the answer to my fears.
Read this and let me know if this answers any questions for you as well, because friends, this was my wake-up call. And it is my new mantra... well it is a little long for a mantra... so this is my new philosophy.
Live the lifestyle instead of paying lip service to the lifestyle. Live with commitment. With emotional content. Live whatever life you choose honestly. Give up this renaissance man, dilettante bullshit of doing a lot of different things (and none of them very well by real standards). Get to the guts of one thing; accept, without casuistry, the responsibility of making a choice. When you live honestly, you can not separate your mind from your body, or your thoughts from your actions.
Tell the truth. First, to yourself. Say it until it hurts. Learn the reality of your own selfishness. Quit living for other people at the expense of your own self, you're not really alive. You live in the land of denial - and they say the view is pretty a long as you remain asleep.
Well it's time to WAKE THE %&#% UP!
So do it. Wake up. When you drink the coffee tomorrow, take it black and notice it. Feel the caffeine surge through you. ...finish it, and walk away, forward. Only acts undertaken with commitment have meaning. Only your best effort matters. Life is a Meritocracy, with death as the auditor. Inconsistency, incompetence and lies are all cut short by that final word. Death will change you if you can't change yourself.
-Mark Twight, "Twitching"
So this is how it is going to be for me from now on. I am a runner. I am a woman. I am a girlfirend, a daughter, and a friend. I am an employee. And the one thing that I can do that will make me better at all of these things... is to wake up, and make that choice.
And my choice is to shut up and do it. I AM going to make my goals, or at least knwo that I aimed for them. I am NOT going to talk and talk and talk about how I wish I were... I am going to BE the person I want to be. No more excuses. No more fears. Failure is NOT an option at this time.
Because if I fail - it only... hurts.... me.
And why would I want to do that?
-})i({ RG