ok...

 so I wasnt on program today, but I did journal all my food, ate under 1600 calories, and i yoga-ed... so i guess it is a start

uh oh

 doh!  I was totally out of control this week and gained 3 pounds! I guess it is pretty easy to do considering I did not exercise, did not even check in to EP once, went away for the weekend and ate like i was never going to eat again, and then come home to the stressful thought of finals. It's no excuse though. I WILL lose 3 lbs by the wednesday of next week, and i WILL lose a total of 6 lbs by June 16 (Disneyworld )

I want to cry...

 I took the bandages off from my surgery and when i did I seriously looked in the mirror and was just shocked. I know that it is bruised and will fade a bit, but really, it is HUGE and gnarly and ugly and right on my neck where everyone can see it. I just don't think I was expecting it. Before the surgery he said it was only going to be 3/4 of an inch, but since the tumor grew, when they got in there, they had to widen the incision so they could cut that sucker out of there. It's a little less then 2 inches now. I mean, I am so grateful I had the surgery, especially now that I know how much it was affecting my metabolism, but I am just really bummed right now.

I will....

I had a great weekend and my brothers and I made a lovely dinner for my mom and grandma last night. My mom likes to micromanage everything, so sitting and being waited on seemed kind of hard for her to do lol. Tom made the appetizers (cheese and crackers and stawberries with rosemary infused creme fresh and bacon), greg made the eentre and salad(spinach salad, osobucco, polenta, and juliand peppers and onions), and I made the dessert (a cornmeal and almond cake with a fresh cherry compote and homemade vanilla bean and honey ice cream). I am very impressed with our skills actually. Both of my parents, especially my mom, are excellent cooks.... so we definitely learned from the best. 

As of right now I am 165.2 lbs, I maintained since thursday. I will be 164.0 by wednesday of next week. This is going to be a challenge with finals, and next weekend my family and I rented a beach house in Carmel to celebrate my grandmas birthday... but i know i can do it if I keep focused and get back to the gym (I can officially start sweating wednesday night after I get my bandages off)

lost weight

 Well I lost about a half of a pound this week... which is good since I havn't been able to work out and I have been eating a bunch of junk (which i did eat in moderation though most of the time). But really, since I havnt been able to do any weight lifting I really feel like a big fat blubbery mess. Especially my abs. I measured myself today too and I stayed the same but I just don't feel "lifted" or toned like I did 2 weeks ago. It's not a big deal, there is nothing I can really do about it for now to so I should at least just be happy for my loss.

They take the bandages off and the stitches out on wednesday, so that is when I can (gradually) start working out again. Until then I am going to do light bicep curls, lots of walking, and do some reverse sit ups (I tried to do regular yesterday and it put way to much strain on my neck, especially where the wound is) and I should be ok.

Remember- Life is great

 So since I lost focus for a few days (weeks?) there for awhile I havnt really been reading or doing my mindset exercises for BFL. When i was doing them tonight and reading my Lesson for Life and reading the success story for today, it just reminded me how inspirational, motivational, and AMAZING the BFL program and Bill Philips really is. I wanted to share with all of ya'll the Lesson-for-Life that I just read. It was the perfect thing to hear after all the personal stress i have been going through lately... and i'm sure ya'll can relate....

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  - -  - --  - - - - - - 

"Please don't lose right of how great your life truly is!"

"Maintaining an accurate perspective on your life can be a challenge. Oftentimes we convince ourselves that our lives are so hard, our circumstances are so dire, that things couldn't possibly get worse. In times like these, it's vitally important to open your eyes and see the bigger picture. If you look, you will find people who are suffering TRUE hardship and are facing adversity so much more challenging than yours. You will find people who would trade places with you in an instant, because, in reality, YOU ARE BLESSED, fortunate, and have so much to be thankful for! Please don't take your good fotune for granted. Please do't fall into the trap of believing that you are a victim of life. Please don't lose right of how great your life truly is! And please realize that it is because of adversity that we grow, not in spite of it. Don't let your challenges hold you back; instead, let them fuel your desire to MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR LIFE!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  - -  - --  - - - - - - 

Did you love that or what? because I know I did. It's kind of just like a little nudge saying "hello! Jessica! wake up! life if great, make the most of life!" 

Day in the life of a sick person

 Ok, so I have let myself go this past week since my surgery a little bit. As I was laying in bed today, eating my second orange and creme popsicle within the same hour, I realized "oh my god... I have been outside a total of 3 hours within the past 5 days.... this is not good". lol. then I was thinking about what I did and ate yesterday and this is what I came up with....

1. woke up around 6, took another vicodin and took my thyroid meds, then went back to sleep

2. Woke up again around 10:30, had a popsicle for breakfast (which I ate in bed) and then wrote a 3 page paper

3. while writing my paper I ate a cupcake

4. around 1:30, I ate another popsicle, a PB&J, i took another vicodin and then played scrabble online until i was too exhasted to even function and then I fell asleep again at about 3

5. woke up at around 6:30, ate some Mac and Cheese, salad, and a glass of milk

6. at 9 I watched Dr. Zhivago and ate another cupcake

7. took another vicodin and fell asleep at 12:45

Ok.... so basicly i only moved 7 times in one day? I have about 20 stairs in my house, so 7 times 20 is about 140.... plus a few more steps to get to the kitchen... so I only took about 170 steps in one day? And I ate about 1800 calories? Ok and then multiply that times that by the past 4 days.  All I have to say to that is ew. 

That is why I have decided this is it and I am starting NOW to get back on track. I already planned all of my meals for tomorrow and I am going to go for a walk also. NO junk food tomorrow, and NO refined sugar. Back to the BFL lifestyle

home from the hospital

 hey everyone, I just wanted to check in. I just got home from the hospital not too long ago and my surgery went pretty well. The tumor on my thyroid was a lot bigger then they initially thought it was (the size of a golf ball!... no wonder it looked like i had an atom's apple) so they needed to take out the whole left lobe and center of the thyroid. The doc put me on thyroid meds and said "You'll probably be down to about 137 in a few months if you watch what you eat and keep up your exercise, the tumor was affecting your metabolism more then we thought at first" and then I was like "wait, whoa, what? 137 POUNDS?!" lol i was so happy, i dont think i have been 137 lbs since like the 6th grade. I know i still have to work at it, but this just makes me feel so much better now that i know why it has been so hard for me to lose even when i was like kicking my butt at the gym. Now i really cant wait until i can get back to the gym and start up my eating plan again because now i know i am going to see the results i deserve if i push myself.

stress eating

 I did some more stress eating tonight. I swear, i need to figure this out. I know I do it, so why don't I just... stop? actually, I do stop myself pretty fast, a lot faster then I know I use to. I'll start doing it and then i'll be like what the hell and then i'll stop, but it will be like 500 calories later. At least it's not 1000 I guess. I'm so over my boyfriend, i'm not one to play games, but I have all his shit packed up right now and I am going to give it to him tomorrow. I don't want to break up with him, but he obviously just is not getting it because he is still being a stupid buttface (that's putting it nicely of course)... I think maybe this will scare him into getting his act together and appreciating me a little bit more.... and if not, then I guess it's just not meant to be anyway. 

exhasted

 As you can tell from my last post I am pretty much having a hard time right now. Everything is just so mentally and physically exhasting to me right now all I want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep.... but then again all my worried even come to me when I am sleeping because i'll have nightmares every night which wake me up. I promised myself though that I would not let all of my progress with my health and weight loss go to waste. I did my LBWO and cardio yesterday and I ate alright (I havnt been journaling this past week) and then I did my UBWO and cardio today and I started journaling today again. I started off on program with my eating but then after my workout I got in a HUGE fight with my boyfriend because he is being such an absolute idiot and even after I call him out on all of his bullshit he still doesnt think he did anything wrong. He also told me that he is going to go to clearlake with his dad on thursday, which is the day of my surgery. I was just so emotionally drained I didnt even feel like telling him ALL the reasons why that would upset me...all I had to say to that was  "ok ryan, try it, go to clearlake and see if I am going to still be here for you when you get home". So I guess we will see if he goes or not. After that I just pigged out and didnt even realize what I was doing until I ate like 1/4 of a brie wheel and was on my second piece of naan (which are like 250 calories each) and then I found myself driving down to the ice cream place to eat some more. I also didn't go to class tonight and went to barnes and noble and fell asleep in one of their big comfy chairs. UGH something is wrong with me.