I GOT ACCEPTED TO GO TO LONDON!!! After like weeks of begging and writing letters and calling like 24/7 they are finally letting me go. The deadline for paying is in a week, so i JUST made it. I already signed up for classes at he JC cuz I was like for sure that I wasnt going to be able to. I am going to be on academic probation, so if at the middle of the semester I am getting below a 2.5 they are going to send me home, but it's not a big deal because that won't be happening. I am sooooo excited. I finally told Ryan to stop calling me and asking me to take him back, BECAUSE IT"S NOT GONNA HAPPEN! and I am getting great hours at work. Today is one of the first days in a really long time that I am starting to feel happy again. I want to get my weight under control, I got on phentermine, but I know that it's not magic, I still have to work at it and really focus. By september 6th, I will have lost 20 lbs. I know it is a lot, especially for me, but it is definately possible. Sorry this post is all over the place, but I am just super excited about everything right now. I need ya'll to help me out a bit though, I appreciate everyone's support and kind words and I really want to get back to reading everyone's blog to see how you all are doing.
Well I am pretty sure my whole plan to study in London next semester fell through. I don't have high enough GPA. I went to appeal because I know that i F-ed up when i was at the university, but it was because of reasons other then just not trying or not being interested. When ryan and I broke up the only thing that I had to look forward to was the trip, i felt (still feel) like it is something that I really needed to do..... but i guess not.
Anyways, I lost 2 lbs this week, which is good. I started taking Provigil, which helps me focus (I take it on the days I work) and it gives me a lot of energy, so I actually have been working out this week. It also gives me problems sleeping though, so i have been super super tired. Anyway, not really much else to say. I go to the doctors tomorrow. I am going to ask him about phentermine and they need to up my thyroid medication. I also need to switch birth control, i did some research on Yasmin, apparently most people maintain or lose weight when they are on it.
I am having a hard time with life it seems. It is hard to stay strong and not talk to Ryan. I still love him so much. He is being a pathetic prick and he keeps e-mailing me and calling me and texting me about how much he is sorry and he is so stupid and how he never wanted to hurt me, and that everything was just a "mistake" an that all he needs is "one more chance". It seriously makes my heart hurt. All his groveling is just so emotionally draining and I hate him for it..... I wish he would just be an asshole so I wouldnt feel so bad about being apart from him. I believe that he is sorry, but how can it be just a "mistake" if it has happened multiple times. All of his cheating and lying and talking to other girls and going out to bars and leaving me by myself.... those weren't mistakes, those were conscious decisions that he made because he thought that I wouldn't know or wouldn't say anything about it. If I took him back again (I already broke up with him once before because he was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend) then nothing is stopping him from hurting me again. UGHGHGHGH I really just want to punch him in the face. AND the girls he was with..... I am just so disgusted and it makes me question girls now a days. All of them knew he had a girlfriend, were absolutely HEINOUS, and either kissed him or had sex with him anyway..... absolutely disgusting. WHAT ARE PEOPLE THINKING?!?!?! I just don't understand, I really don't. I think that is why it is hard to let it go. Every time Ryan talks to me now, I want to tell him so much and just go off on him on all of the shit he has ever done to me, and I just have so many questions I need to know (or want to know) and I want to know WHY he did this and why, if he thinks i am so perfect and "the best girlfriend anyone could ever ask for" (his words), he would do this.
It's not just Ryan, it is mostly ryan, but I am just so stressed and everytime I try to sort things out, i feel like it just gets worse. It is just so exhasting it makes me want to stop trying.
ok so here is an update for ya'll. For the past 2 weeks I have been binge eating and binge drinking at least every other day. I feel like shit and I am sad.... and that is an understatement. Needless to say I have blown up like a balloon. I tried to buy clothes today for florida since nothing fits me... but at the store nothing fit me either... oh yea, and i got my grades back from this semester, and they are bad, which means i am 99% sure I will not be able to do study abroad......
My boyfriend and I broke up last night. I am not going to go too much into it because I know I will start crying at any minute if I think about it for too long. I guess it was just a matter of time. We did not have a bad relationship by any means, but we were just 2 completely different people with 2 completely different sets of values. I feel like I have grown so much in the past 2 (well kind of 3... it is complicated) years and he is kind of at a stand still. We both decided it was not best to stay with eachother. It sucks because I do not want to lose him, but I just cant bare to see him or talk to him as "friends" right now, it would just be too hard for me. I don't know... whatever. It still hasn't really hit me yet, I am just kind of trying to stay busy and not think about it too much.
yes, that is right, day 1, a brand new 12 week program to start fresh. That means new "before" pictures, new measurements, new starting weight, and new goals. I did not complete my first 12 week program, I made it 8 weeks before I went BFL MIA, but I am ready to start a-new and I am super excited.
Goals:
1. Within 12 weeks, I will lose 20 pounds
2. Within 12 weeks, I will fit in my clothes I wore in high school (2 years ago)
3. Within 12 weeks, I will be strong and toned
4. Within 12 weeks, I will have finished what I started
5. Within 12 weeks, I will be more confident
Reasons:
1. I will be 20 years old! The choices I make now will effect me for the rest of my life, I want to be happy and healthy.
2. I want to be able to do the things I love (shop, meet new people, flirt with boys, swim, work out) without feeling uncomfortable.
3. I want to feel like myself again.
Transforming Patterns:
1. Old Pattern: Giving up
New Pattern: Take it one day at a time and do not get discouraged
2. Old Pattern: Being impatient
New Pattern: This is a lifestyle change for gosh's sake! You are not on the Biggest Loser, don't expect to lose 5 lbs a week! Keep that in mind, any progress is good progress.
3. Old Pattern: Procrastinating
New Pattern: just get in there and do what you gotta do. wake up an hour earlier if you have to, get more sleep, and stay organized.
Good one's dont you think? Well, I better get to sleep, it's off to the gym early tomorrow :)
So I slipped. And i was in denile about it all. I thought that somehow eating like a crazy person for over 4 weeks would not catch up to all of the hard work I have done. But it did. I am not going to get all upset and cry about it (ok, I did cry a little bit, but I am ok now), all I am going to do is just pick myself up and start fresh.
My plan for tomorrow:
I am going to wake up, go to my yoga final, then go directly to the gym and do my 20 minute Aerobic Solution. I am going to come home, shower, and then do my sociology final. I am going to eat all six mini meals ON PROGRAM, I am going to do my mindset exercises. I am going to weigh in, take measurments, AND take pictures, just like it was my first day doing BFL.
I am getting more and more obnoxiously fat by the second.... really... I just looked at pictures of me from this weekend and my face and arms are huge and blubbery. I am being bitchy today, i havnt slept in 30 hours and my throat is KILLING me. I have a bug bite (well 4, but the one is really bad) that I scratched raw last night without even thinking... i'm kind of running on autopilot as of 6 hours ago, i know i am going to crash soon. I really hope i did well on my final....
I am seriously the WORST procrastinator in the world. I know, everyone is a little bit.... but I am REALLY bad. It is 10:06 pm and I have to write 3 (yes, all late too) papers and study for my final tomorrow. That means that I have 13 hours (if i dont sleep) to write 23 pages... not so good.... I seriously have a problem...
