I'm hungry today and I was yesterday too. Or probably not actually hungry, but my mouth wants to eat, which mean my mind wants to eat, which means I want to eat.
Again, I really want the chicken tenders. I could have them, but I'm trying to save them for the weekend. Sometimes, it's just so frustrating to say to yourself... you can have them, but you aren't going to have them, because you want to lose weight. Sometimes, I just want to say, I'm going to eat them, damnit and forget about the points. However, I'm still not at the point where I want to flub up on my points. Jes said last night that I'm worrying too much and trying to micromanage the plan too much. My response was that I just want to be in control of this.. and that I'm too early into the program to be screwing up.
I'm going to have fries, chicken tenders and a shake this weekend if it's the last thing I do. SO BE IT! And that's ok because it will be within my points.. but the waiting is stinkalicious.
It's been, well, all week and I haven't blogged at all.. it was a pretty neutral week from what I can remember. I stayed within my points, but wasn't nutty about it. Overall I had thought I was doing well. I'm trying, hard, not to spend so much time analyzing the change I am trying to make in my life and just go with it. My grandfather-in-law had received a very timely fortune cookie that read something like.. "you will find peace if you go with the flow". so i'm trying to just go with the flow of WW.
So you are probably wanting to know what the outcome of my weigh in was. DOWN! 1.8 lbs and that rounds it out to a total of 8.8 lost in three weeks. This is good, and at this rate I could hit my goal in 9 months.. I don't necessarily expect the weight will continue to fall off 2 lbs a week... but a girl can carve a little bit of hope out for a year right? I'm happy about the loss, but I'm even happier for my friend Jes who hit her 5 lb marker tonight and received her bookmark. She's been pining for it. Here's to you Jes.
I was down another 2.6 lbs this WI! That means 7.0 total! I had a great week, and felt good about what I had done... and THIS week it was reflected! It sure is motivating to see positive results.
PS... I had the most wonderful 4 pt breakfast sandwich this morning. It makes me forget I'm even on a plan. Here was the recipe for anybody whose interested. It was delicious.
WW english muffin 1 pt Eggbeaters, 1/4 cup 1 pt Laughing Cow Lite Cheese Wedge 1pt Morningstar Farms Breakfast pattie 1 pt
This weekend was so wonderful. The boy and I went to Solera for dinner... it was SO good. I think it's one of the first times I've every really truly relished and enjoyed what I was eating. I just savored every bite. I like this new way of looking at food.
Then... last night, I made dinner... one of my absolute favorite meals, spaghetti amatriciana... and I had kind of expected to eat a little more than I should. A quarter of the way through eating, I was stuffed. I stopped. I couldn't eat anymore. It was mind boggling. I was thinking to myself A) how could you possibly be full yet and B) who is this crazy new person who stops when they're full. Thank you Weight Watchers! For the first time in a long time, I stopped eating. Oh I sound like an advertisement.
Tonight is my 4th WI, I'm not really nervous, just curious to see whether I'll have maintained the gain I had last week, dropped to my WI weight two weeks ago, or dipped further. I guess I could have gained again, but I kind of don't think so. We'll see!
I've decided to have my incentive mini goal treat to be a pedicure with Jes when we both hit our first 10 percent, and then for each ten I drop, I will deposit 10 dollars in a bank account and I will utilize that money to purchase the pink toaster I've been wanting for an eternity to match my pink kitchenaid stand mixer.
So last night, as you could see, I was upset, but if you've also read my other blogs, you could see that I new the increase in weight was coming. Now I know it's only 1.2 lbs, but I just wanted so desperately to continue dropping each week.
When I got home, my plan was to just say F* it to the plan for just one night. I started eating some hummus and pita chips which equalled about 5 pts, and then my husband had said he would make a pizza. I was planning on eating up a storm and didn't care, but then I decided to look at the pts value and then some little voice in my head said, "you aren't doing this, eat something within your pts." So, that's what I ended up doing. I had a tofu taco and a salad.
I shocked the hell out of myself. Even in the midst of total dismay, I made the right choice. Usually, by now I would have quit. It's a new week, a new chance to lose, and a new way to look at the world. I will try to be more positive this week, I will try to be better about not utilizing the extra flex pts until after my weigh-in, I will step up the exercise and I WILL lose this weight!
I was up 1.2 lbs at WI today... it's probably just water weight, but I'm very unhappy about it it anyway. I mean i didn't go over my points this week, and yet i didn't lose. I know I can't expect a loss each week, but I sure has heck wasn't wanting to gain.
I'm upset and that's about all the more I want to say about it.
I'm nervous today. Today is weigh in. It's my second week of weigh-in results or the beginning of the third week on WW, and I'm afraid this week isn't going to go as well as the last. Last week, as you might remember, I lost 5 lbs. This was exciting and motivational, I felt vindicated for the progress and commitment I had made to the day before...or at least I felt that way for a day or so.
This past week I didn't eat as well as the previous. I did eat within my points, but I had more junk than my first week. I guess I'm just being paranoid... but I woke up this morning and the pair of pants I put on were a struggle to get on... they didn't fit as I had hoped, most likely because they were just washed. I can't wait for the day when I won't have to consider not washing a pair of pants for just one more wear so they will stay comfortable and loose. I hate feeling like I've gained weight, even when I haven't, just because my clothes shrunk up in the wash. Anyway, they were tight. Sigh.
Now reality should tell me that I can't expect to drop 5 lbs each week, and I know that that would be unhealthy anyway, so I'm not expecting it or hoping for it... but I, of course, DO want to lose. I'm afraid that I've gained. I just want to be down a pound.. I want to know that I can still lose weight, no matter what I eat, if I just stay within my points. I'm being unrealistic.... but a gain would be a severe blow to my enthusiasm and drive to continue on WW. Not that I'm going to quit... I'm not. I'M NOT! However, if i've gained, I know I'm going to be a whiny little brat all this coming week about it.... and I'd rather be motivated and enthused... I'd like week 3 on the plan to be more liberating and enjoyable than week 2 was.
I'm sure plenty of people are thinking, "week 3 will be what you make of it", but I'm just not to a mentally healthy state right now where I can really control how I feel about my addiction. I'm more at the bitter and angry stage that I have to be doing this kind of stuff at all. So, i'm on pins and needles all day, waiting for that dreaded weigh-in to occur.
I've been contemplating all weekend how to truly motivate myself. Like gifts for myself, fun events, motivational symbols to keep me on track... maybe even something as outrageous as a vacation or a big item... but then I wonder, why can't just losing the weight be enough? And nevermind the fact that I certainly don't have the extra cash to be spending. I mean truly, isn't getting myself healthy both in mind and spirit enough.
Sometimes I feel guilty that my strongest motivating factor for wanting to lose weight is to buy clothes. Lots of clothes.. Going to the mall is like shoving daggers into my heart. I mean truly there's nothing more painful than walking past a thousand fabulous stores at the MOA and seeing the latest adorable trendy styles and knowing there's no way I could even fit my toe into them. I exaggerate, but ladies, I'm sure you know what I mean. I hate being able to not truly be able to express myself through clothing... I mean honestly. Old Navy and Lane Bryant are not the vehicles for expression that I want to represent my glorious and fabulous self.
I'm feeling more confident today and pleased to realize that I haven't fallen off any wagon train or rather, points plan. I'm still within my points and doing well. I'm gleaning a lot of much needed information, support, and like experiences from fellow bloggers and friends and it has helped tremendously.
I'll be straight with myself and say that I had a very mentally unhealthy week wrought with depression and anxiety and general ill will towards my WW plan... but now I'm feeling more like this is just going to be part of taming the beast. While I did binge my way through Wednesday, I didn't break the bank and I didn't do it again all week... I have used my flex throughout the week instead of saving the majority of it for one big splurge, but I guess that's ok, some weeks will be different than others I guess.
As a fellow blogger, Riverbend stated.... The bottom line is "progress not perfection" and I'm adopting this as my mantra.
I'm not sure what my issue has been so far this week.
Maybe it's the fact that I ate too much at Puhket with Jes and felt overly full and a little like a failure because I ate too much and because I was rewarding my success with food. Isn't the point to not make food the cornerstone of my life?
Perhaps it was because on Tuesday I saved up all my points, thank god I did, only to find out that the soup I ate and made at my parents ended up being a whooping 17 pts, and I thought it was going to be healthy!!! Damn Cannellini Beans.
Very likely it's that I was successful last week and was perfectly fine and my very destructive subconscious wanted to wreak a little havoc on me... God forbid I have two successful weeks of weight loss. And really, this is a classic pattern for me as I always do well at first and am very on top of my plan and excited, and then as soon as I begin to see results I flake out. Which is probably very odd for others to conceive... because really I think deep down I don't want myself to succeed.
Or it could be the fact that it started snowing Sunday night and while the snow is very beautiful... I think mentally, I needed the sunshine and warmth, and the snow means winter and more hibernation and it exhausts me.
And I'm sure my having a vacation this week just to relax isn't really in the end helping either. I suppose I should qualify that statement because relaxation equaling depression or unhappiness is probably not very intuitive. I'm home for the week because I have so much vacation time and my husband has basically none, so I thought I'd just take a week off and relax.... but being at home makes me realize how much I enjoy not working, and then makes me realize what I already knew, that I'm burned out at my job and don't really enjoy it anymore... which makes me rue the fact that the week is almost over and that the inevitable return to work is imminent.
So this all culminated in an internal freak out session yesterday where I spent time wishing I wasn't doing WW and that I could just eat whatever the hell I wanted and not feel guilty eating it. I'm sure Jes could see this all coming from various comments on Monday and Tuesday....
I guess I just want to be a nazi about this, because it's the only way I can have control over it, and I don't like being out of control. I hate eating out somewhere and having to guess what the points value was on a particular item. I hate thinking I've made a healthy choice only to find out I didn't. I hate having to worry about or count, count, count every item that I put into my mouth. This week I've just been depressed about having to pass up on things.... I mean I know it's a choice and that I could have them, but it just about killed me to pass up the chicken tenders that smelled so good at work yesterday.
So, as I was stating, the culmination came when we finally turned over keys to the loft we were trying to sublet (or turn our lease over technically) to a new renter... (now we are up 1600 bucks a month and free of that worrying and that's awesome) and we went to Davanni's Pizza to celebrate. Now pizza is always an issue for me... I grew up in a household who ate very healthy, but loved food... FOOD FOOD FOOD. Entertainment was spent going out to eat, not going to the movies, or the theater, etc. Not that my family isn't very culturally diverse, but we like to go out to eat. Anyway, I have this father who loves his pizza too, and a husband, by the way, who's passion for pizza is well suited to my own. So, here I have this dad who would scarf down that pizza quick and if there were leftovers there wouldn't be by morning. So I grew up feeling like if I wanted any I had to eat quick and eat as many slices as possible or it wouldn't be there when I woke up. So it's like this mechanism where I have to just shovel it in and consume as much as I can. So here I am last night, depressed already from a week of struggle and an employment opportunity lost for my husband, relieved to be rid of the loft, excited to finally eat something I've been craving, and generally in an unhealthy state of mind.
So we walk into Davannis with my 30 flex pts in hand and about 15 of my 28 pts left for the day. We order the pizza and I convince Eric to buy the cheese bread because I'm starving and can't wait until the pizza is done... mistake one. I didn't need the cheese bread... and really what a waste of 9 pts. Now I did get Diet Coke instead of Root Beer which is what I usually get at Davannis. I rarely drink pop, but when I do I get Root Beer, every once in a great while I'll have a Cherry Coke. So, one good choice. The pizza comes and I eat the first piece slowly according to good protocol... but then I have piece two and eat it a little more quickly. Piece two down and I realize I'm satisfied... I can feel the scale and realize I should stop... and then the monster inside me takes over and I'm reaching for piece three.... I'm eating it fast and trying to stop the voices inside my head from telling me to stop. Mistake three. Part of me wants to stop and be good and the other part of me wants to keep stuffing my face until I feel sick to my stomach and the feelings of depression go away. And of course, at piece three I'm stuffed, but decide to have piece 4 just to really solidify my disgusting binge. Mistake four. After that I have succesfully made myself sick. And I go home feeling gross, and like I wasted so many points and laden with regret, guilt and twinges of failure and hating myself for it. Final Mistake.
Now the upside is that after last night, I woke up this morning feeling a little better, realizing that I can't control everything..... I can't always know my points, and will have to just make do.. this morning I had 2 slices of WW bread, 2 eggs and a bunch of sauteed spinach, tomatoes and mushrooms. And I feel like I can just pick up where I left off. I realize that I will fall off and screw up, and that those are opportunities for learning. And in the end, I haven't actually gone of my plan, because while I ate over my daily allotted points, I still have 15 flex points allotted to me for the week, and those are my points to do what I please with! Now, next time when I'm feeling emotional will I binge eat again? Probably,. Am I slowly learning to at least acknowledge the habits, the satiety scale and my limits? Yes. It's just hard not to do everything perfectly. I am a perfectionist. I'll eventually get over using food for a coping mechanism, or at least I will learn to control my addiction over time through WW. Hello, my name is Kate, and I'm a food-a-holic.
