Day 5 - Weigh In

16lbs down in 5 days! Very pleased with that of course!

Think I might weigh in everyday to keep my motivation and interest up, at least while there is more likely to be a difference every day.

I have nothing more to write, except woo hoo! I will be going to sleep now, my first day at my new job tired me out - in a good way though.

Day 4 - Ch ch ch ch changes

I've been feeling more hungry today, possibly from boredom more than anything, or nerves about starting my new job tomorrow (Most likely the latter).

I've managed not to have anything I'm not allowed, although I did have a bit more chicken, but I doubt that will make much difference.

It's my first official weigh in tomorrow! Even though I've only managed 4 100% days out of the possible 6, I still think I've done pretty well, and I know I'll be please with the result.

I've been thinking a lot today about my life in general really, the way things are going in the degree I'm studying, and if I even want to continue it (it leads to a qualification to a specialised part of the health profession, and only really worth doing if you're dedicated to the career, not to just say you're educated to degree level on your CV/resume).

I think my heart lies with something in the weightloss field, but I'm not exactly sure of the context yet. For the past few years I have been thinking about this, but always felt like there was no point in pursuing it until I had that "amazing weightloss success story" to talk about, so I always put it off, carried on with whatever job I was doing at the time, and continued to gain weight. I think part of it was feeling like I could never pull anything off like that by myself, like I was bound to fail because I wasn't strong or business savvy or whatever enough. Or that people wouldn't take me seriously because I'm soft-spoken.

But now I'm thinking the chances are once I've lost the weight I will feel confident enough to be more assertive, and have the evidence of my hard work to back me up. Even though it's only been a couple of days since I started, the whole prospect of making weightloss and health and fitness and possibly even life coaching my career is more of an incentive to keep going and achieve my goals than I ever thought they could be.

It used to seem like a far off thing that may be something I did in my spare time as well as a "proper job", but something has clicked inside me to want to step it up a notch. Make concrete targets, and go for it as a full time thing.

And what better way to keep myself in check once I am healthy if my livelihood sort of depends on it?

There, I've written it down, acknowledged that I think it's possible, I better get on with making it a reality so I don't look stupid!

Day 3

6.45pm on Day 3 and going strong.

Feeling quite clear headed and awake today - I have been up since 8am and haven't felt tired even though I was up until 3 this morning reading weightloss blogs! I think I will be ready for an early night tonight though, which is good, to get me into a good routine again before I start my new job on Monday.

Being able to drink cups of tea with milk has made so much difference this time on my resolve to stick to the diet - the previous times I tried it they hadn't intorduced sole source yet and I found it so hard, especially with not being able to get the taste of the shakes out of my mouth, eventually just the thought of them made me feel sick. This time I can disguise this by drinking tea straight after - problem sorted!

I'm just getting impatient about my weigh in on Monday now, I want to be able to make the line in my chart go down and show some progress!

Day 2

So far so good.

And, after after about 6 months of barely anything in the monthly cycle department, I finally started a proper period last night. I had always been like clockwork, but in the past few months they stopped, and I attributed this to my weight, seeing as nothing else had changed, definitely no chance of pregnancy, so my thought was that it was like a reverse to the amenorrhea that happens to anorexic women after severe weightloss. I just looked it up and obesity can be a cause.

It's strange how after just 1 day on this VLCD my body has seen fit to start them again, like it's almost telling me I'm doing the right thing with this diet! And boy is it putting the message across! Sorry to be graphic, but it's full force, and painful, but all in all the best one I've ever had because it's a revelation!

I'm kind of feeling a bit emotional now though (possibly hormone induced but still good) about how much stress I've put my body under with the years of overeating, and feel sad that I had to let things get to this stage before seriously doing something about it. I mean, I'm lucky that I've not had more medical problems like diabetes etc, and just the aches and pains associated with the extra weight itself, and of course the psychological side of it all. But still, those things are a big deal and something I shouldn't have ignored for so long.

Still, it's in the past now, I'm feeling good today (apart from the pain!) and positive about the future, and know that this is the time when I'm actually going to do it. I'm going to actually listen to what my body is trying to tell me.

And I just burst out crying! I've stopped now but it felt good, funnily enough, seeing as I haven't cried in years apart from at films and TV programmes. But this time it was for me, and I won't use food to make myself feel better because I know these are things I need to feel and experience instead of gorging on food to numb everything.

My first instinct was to not even write that it just happened. But then what is the point of this blog?

I do hope I learn to articulate things a bit more, cos everything seems like a bit of a jumbled mess that only I would understand!  I am of course comparing myself to the many great blogs I have been reading lately, some of which have been turned into books - talk about feelings of inadequecy! Something else I have to work on...

The Good Stuff To Look Forward To

To wear a dress.

To learn the jive, lindy hop, swing dancing and all that stuff. And feel good doing it.

To have a bath and be completely covered by the water.

To be chatted up by someone who's just seen me and likes the look of me.

To be able to run.

To do a triathalon. (This is based on recently watching the contestants on the Biggest Loser doing this and being so jealous).

To not feel completely inadequate.

To like what I see in the mirror.

To get to the point where I do something physical like running up a few flights of stairs without thinking about it.

To not be bothered if I need to get the train at a time when I know it will be packed.

To feel like I'm living and not just existing. 

I'm sure I will think of more and will update later.

These things do seem a bit vague and wishy washy, and more about my thoughts than tangible achievements, but I guess it's just the place I'm coming from right now. Emotionally charged! But hey, that's not a bad thing, I think I will still like to read back on this down the line and what I've written (especially the other post) will take me straight back to my current mindset. And hopefully show me how much I have changed, and why I would never want to be this way again.

Reasons To Change

Why not start with the bad stuff? At least then I can go to bed thinking about the good stuff I've got to look forward to in my future!

I can't make it to the end of my road without being out of breath and wanting to sit down.

My back hurts after a few minutes of walking.

My knees hurt and feel stiff.

I have sometimes ended up not leaving the house because I couldn't summon up the energy to put on my shoes and socks.

I have 1 pair of shoes that I wear constantly.

I have 2 pairs of trousers that I wear constantly. black only, no jeans, and it has been years since I have even thought about wearing a skirt.

I have spent stupid amounts of money in the last year taking taxis to places all because I can't face public transport, or the walk to the end of my road to get the train (easily £1000, maybe even close to £2000 in the last year of starting to do that).

The feeling when I am walking is tightness, especially in my legs, weighing down on my chest, and an overall feeling of being trapped and bursting to get out of this huge body.

I am 26 next Tuesday and I have never had a proper boyfriend.

Everything I ever do is dictated by my weight, or in most cases everything I don't do is usually because I have talked myself out of it because my weight.

I am pretty much a hermit.

I think my sister is embarrassed of me. I probably would be too.

My nephew told me when I babysat him on Saturday,  "you can't have any chocolate bread this time because it gives you a big fat belly and yours is fat enough and I don't want it to get any bigger". That is one smart 4 year old!

I used to still have a pretty face and you couldn't tell as much that I was bigger, but now the fat has spread to my face and neck and there is no getting away from it (possibly the reason why I am now at rock bottom and doing something about it, so really it's a good thing instead of me carrying on just looking at my face in the mirror and blocking out the rest).

A size 32 at Evans feels snug and claustrophobic. How did that happen?? Last time I bought clothes I was at 26/28 (this was 9 months ago though and not that's exactly a size zero!).

My life is just plain old passing me by and I can't let it anymore...

...On to the good stuff...

Day 1 - Third time's a charm!

Ok, I've finally managed to get through day 1 without eating. Result!

The shakes really make me feel sick, and this is the ready made tetras, not even the powdered ones that I have to make up myself. So, I've found that drinking a load of water, letting it settle, drinking the tetra, and then drowning out the taste with a cup of tea is my best bet!

Strange I know but this seems to be the only way I can stop from feeling ill, and reaching for the food instead. I really don't understand how people can say they taste nice! bleh. Oh well, it's worth it in the end!

I've been reading a lot of weightloss blogs recently, and have found them so inspiring. It has been fun imagining myself in the situations people are in, and how I would feel if it were happening to me (usually euphoria, a sense of freedom and invinsibility).

It's made me want to write a list of things that I want to do when I am thinner, and things to look forward to, to keep me on the straight and narrow and focused on my goals.

But also a list of reasons to not stay the way I am.

New Beginnings

So. Here I go again.

I've started everything fresh, new pictures new username (mainly because I couldn't delete a previous weigh in date and I don't need to be reminded of previous failures!)

I'm feeling really motivated, I have all of my shakes and soups ready for starting tomorrow, and a week until I start my new job so hopefully I will be comfortably in ketosis by then, plus I will be able to sleep off any headaches if they get too bad, always a good thing!

I am so ashamed of the starting pictures, but I think I'm at the point now where I think scare tactics like this are necessary to get me to actually do something once and for all. I have no neck!!

I have to do it this time, I can NOT go back to uni in September at this weight, or anything close to this. Which means I have 12 weeks from today, and judging by the diet I think I can get down to 340lbs by then, maybe even lower.

I also plan on filling this in regularly to keep me on track. it's too important to let things fall by the wayside one more time with something as stupid as a bar of chocolate.