Fell off the wagon, been ran over a few times trying to find my legs so I can get up again.....

Hello world, 

   I have majorly fell off the wagon.  I can't stop binging on donuts and candy and bread etc.   What is wrong with me!  I might as well have gained back all that I had lost.  What a lard a$$!  I should super glue my mouth shut but I have to talk on the phone at work so I can't do that.  Damn it.  Ok so I have to do something and I really am at a loss.  I've started being mean to my husband again cause I can't stand myself at all.  My antidepressants don't seem to be helping anymore that or I've given up past caring if it helps.  I just want to carve off all of my fat with a hot butter knife.  AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!   I am so pissed.  I hate myself ! Damnit I need to get out and exercise again and I'm tired of not haing  agym membership available to me!  Ok got to go

stumbling blocks....

So HOw many times have I started this weight loss journey gotten discouraged, upset, mad, plateaued, tired, defeated, self pity............Yeah well I hit another stupid roadblock today.  And the bad part is I don't even really know why I feel like quitting again. I am waiting for money to start my gym membership again, but until now for the past couple of weeks I've stayed strong walking at work and at home exercise but I feel pissed off at myself for some stupid reason so I had a massively huge bad day today.  I am trying to find myself spiritually and emotionally and physically and I think I've become overwhelmed or some how lost my self worth along the way here lately. 

 I am trying to stay strong for myself but nothing is easy and I just want to quit.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok bad day I'll stop now as I am just upsetting myself further.

  May God bless me with better days!  I hope tomorrow is one of them!

Sunday Morning

Good Morning World....

Ok  So here I sit trying to reflect on what got me to where I am now and I can't say that I am exceptionally proud of the person I've become.  I feel as though I have deeply let myself down as a person and I am on a journey to change.  I am currently reading a couple of books on spiritual and personal enlightenment and finding a lot of good information.  I am struggling a bit with accepting myself as I am now but that is all changing.  I am trying to find my meaning in life and I'm sure my children are truly it.  I'm rambling wildly.  with no specific point I think. 

 My food struggles are getting a bit betteras long as I journal and be truly aware of what I am responsible for doing to my body.

I did my 3 mile watp video this morning.  It felt great.  I know I can keep this up until the funds arrive for my gym membership that I truly miss!  I have to stay active and hopeful that it will happen.  I'm off to gather my kids from great grandma's now.  More to come... I'm positive.

Easter weekend

So here I sit the day before easter and I have got to say that since February 22nd.  I am down 14 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yeah I have been walking my a$$ off literally.  I walk on lunch I walk before work I walk after work.  I walk on my days off.  I try to walk as much as I can without killing myself.  I feel great.  We had a city fitness makeover that lasted 10 weeks that I was a part of.  From January 10th until March 18th I lost almost 7% body fat!!!!  We had a gym membership during that time and I severly miss it now that it's over.  So as soon as I get the money my butt is back in the gym!  I can't believe how easy it has been to lose these 14 pounds.  I'm so stoked.  When I hit 180 I think I'll be unstoppable!  YEAHHHHHHHH!!  My husband says he sees a lot of difference but I don't.  It'll take time.  I'm a work in progress!

3-6-08

So, I've been walking at work before if I get up early enough and on lunch.  Then hitting the gym on my way home.  I surprised myself and almost started jogging on the treadmill yesterday but I held back not quite sure I'm ready to jog yet but I felt like it.  I'm slowly losing a little bit of weight and trying to be really good about my diet.  I feel a lot better about myself if I get to the gym everyday for at least a little bit.  I'm off to prepare supper so I can hit the gym later.  c-ya

starting again..... again....

ok so here I am again.  It's been almost a year since I've been on I had forgotten about this place.  But here I sit once again trying to still lose this weight.  I am counting calories and journalling all my food for the day and started taking prozac for my depression almost 2 weeks ago.  I think I feel better.  No really bad days yet.  I've lost about 6 pounds I think since then and that's all hard work and sweat equity.  I'm going to ask the Dr. on Friday when I go in for my follow up about phentermine.  I would feel better taking from an actual dr I can call if I have questions.  I hope he'll help me.  Maybe not though then I'll resort to the net again for it.  so anyway, I'm cleaning house on my day off and getting caught up on the day to day stuff so I better get back at it.    More later.

ok so I'm back to add that my goal 180 by March 30th.  10% of my year beginning weight.  Just a little note to remind myself where I started and where I want to be.

Looking back over week 1:

well today is day 8.  I have lost a total of 8 pounds since I started and I'm quite pleased.  I had a couple days earlier this week that I went up slightly but it all came off this morning and then some.  I think I was trying to hold onto my fat or whatever.  It must go!  I feel really good I only managed to get intentional exercise 2 days but any is better then none.  I guess that's about all for now it's early and chores must get done.

Tuesday...

Well it's another day.  I'm a little tired today for some reason but I haven't eaten very many carbs or food today yet.  I've had 180 calories plus a half an apple so I need to eat I guess.  I weighted in this morning at 193.4!  I was a little shocked this is all going to well.  I did some strenghth exercise yesterday so I'm a little sore from that but need to do something today so we'll see how things go tonight.  Other then that there's really nothing else going on yet today. 

Monday....

Well, today is my day off work.  Other then a meeting I had to go in for that is.  No biggy! I'm kind of in an odd mood today.  I'm finding myself a little depressed.  Not bad just a sad depressed.  I miss our first son.  He was still born and he's be almost 5 now.  I don't know why today more then any other day but I'm feeling like I let him down somehow.  Not that there was anything we could have done to prevent his death but now.  How I'm living or not living.  I feel myself pull back from the kids a little like I can't be the best mom to them with out fear of betraying him.  Maybe I'm trying to figure out how I'll tell the kids about their brother that's gone or when or what I'll say.  I feel like it is all very raw and fresh again.  I'm feeling a lot sorry for myself and feel like such a recloose (sp?) I want  to be happy and healthy again.  I love my kids and they make me so happy I'm so proud of them and their only 3 and 4 months.  I feel like I'm turning into my mother and that is really tearing me apart.  She never really did anything with us as we were growing up.  Neither of my parents ever got involved in any of me activities throughout school.  I almost feel like I was burdening them for doing sports and cheerleading and being in the choir.  I was trying to expand my horizons and they were shooting at my dreams with a cannon.  I'm still really hurt and resentful about that.  I can  not be that person I can not grow up to be like that.  I know how it felt and I will not put my kids through that.  I've got a lot of decluttering in my life and in our home to make this a better place to nurture their growth.  I want them to soar and I want to be there every step of the way to cheer them on the whole time win or lose good or bad.  I want them to feel the love that I didn't.  I need to get over this stuck on myself woe is me thing that I'm on and just do it.  No more excuses I need to improve myself for them to thrive.  Life possessions are meaningless if the quality of life they are attached to sucks.  You can be the wealthiest person in the world and still not be rich, happy or complete!  I will do better! 

On another front.  For some reason I gained .4 pounds back this morning that I had lost yesterday but I'll keep going.  I have to find out if I can still take my lexapro while taking phen.  I've been off it for a while and feel like I might need it a little longer then I thought.  PPD isn't completely gone yet I have my days where I just can't.  I guess I"ll ask the pharmacist  I just wish that I didn't work with him and know him I feel embarrassed.
I guess I"ll get busy with the decluttering and get stuff ready for the kids to be home.  I'm gonna try and take them to the park to play and picninc supper.  More later I'm sure.

DAY 3:

Well. Today at work went well. We weren't overly busy so it was kind of peaceful.  Food wise I had a club sandwich from subway  at around 400 calories and a protein bar at 230 calories and that's it so far.  I'm in a huge frenzy trying to get my house clean before bed cause my grandparents are coming up tomorrow to watch the kids while Dh and I work so I've got some cleaning to do.  I'm not hungry although I think my stomach is growling but I just keep drinking my water.  It'll shut up eventually. 
Exercise what the hell is that.  I don't have time to shower in peace much less work out.  I so need to make time for myself other then my 2 days off a week that I spend cleaning and playing catch up from the rest of the week.  I was looking forward to spending this evening with my husband but he went to his best friends house cause they haven't seen each other in a few weeks since he got a new job.  Now Dh is thinking of applying at the same company cause he's burnt out in his job and is about to tell them to kiss his butt and leave.  I don't blame him though.  It sucks how their treating him.  this morning my weight was only down to 196.4 but a loss is a loss.  I'm still having my monthly visitor so maybe when she leaves I'll lose the bloat and get back on track.  I have to be in my sister's wedding on July 7th and I'd like to weigh 160 by the end of June so I've really got to bust my butt and get moving.  I tell myself that but I don't so anything to put it into action.  I'm so lazy.  I am quite a pathetic excuse for a person some days.  I just want to lose this weight so I'll feel better about myself.  why can't I like me?  I have a lot of self esteem issues and I'm trying to use the approach "fake it til you make it."  But there are days that it just doesn't cut it.   I've lost the weight before but it took 2 years after my son was born and then I got pregnant with my daughter.  It will not take that long again it can't.  I'm done venting for tonight.  The dryer just went off time for another load of laundry then on to the floors.  Yippee!