Our Deepest Fear is that we are Powerful beyond measure.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are we not to be? YOU are a child of God. You'r playing small doesnt serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Nelson Mandela's 1994 Inaugural Speech
Incredible! These are some amazing and powerful words. I recieved this in an email a couple days ago, and I just cant seem to "let it go". I need permission to just speak freely here, and this may not make sense, but its totally what Im thinking.....
I have dealt with so much Negativism for so long...every thing is wrong, bad, harming, ill....Life is what we make of it, and why people would choose to live in self inflicted suffering is beyond me. Its about attention, its about self loathing, its sad, its addicting, its consuming, awful, evil. *I am just crying here!*
This is how I was brought up, this is what surrounds me all the time, even today....and I WANT TO BREAK FREE FROM IT.
1. I dont have to be fat, because "you were born in to fat family honey....'Im sorry" (This is where we feel sorry for my mother because she inflicted this obesity on me) WHATEVER!
2. I dont have to be poor, because "we never did have a lot of money, because of my injuries and lack of work....'IM Sorry" (This is where both of my parents have scamed different companies out of money because they "fell" or some how "injured" themselves, and sued the people....both live on disability now and are MISERABLE! IM NOT DOING IT! We dont have money, we have 5 beautiful children, and we dont have money.....does this mean we are poor? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
3. I dont have to be classified as "unsuccessful" at everything I do. Im tired of giving up, Im tired of breaking promises to my self and not being healthy for my family, for MYSELF.
4. I dont have to hate myself. God....do you hear me....I dont hate myself...I dont. why? Because I am YOUR child and I wanna manifest YOUR Glory, for my benifit, but mostly for the benifit of my own children and all those who come into contact with me.
These words from Nelson Mandela's speech really struck a chord with in me. I have probably heard similar words like this before in seminars, or homilies, or music.....
I want this "weight loss" not for a beautiful physical image but because I am a child of God....and look at what I have done with this body He has given me. (Now before you tell me not to be down on my self...Im not, Im just getting to my point.) How can I do what He wants me to do if I am MISERABLE, and in a state of self loathing over this "illness"? Because to me, thats exactly what it is....Tonight as I said good bye to a friend that stopped over and had dinner with us...we had to walk up the stairs...I was completely out of breath talking to her. I was so embarassed. I am not healthy.
I'll tell you what Im not going to do....Im not going to just set here and let my life waist away, and have people feel sorry for me and resent me because I willfully threw my life out the window.
Lord Willing, I will wake up tomorrow, and I will do this.
My husband and I were cleaning up and re organizing the play/family rooms today (all day) in the basement of our home...and the TV happened to be on (which is wierd because we normally dont watch day time TV) and there was a talk show host talking about weight loss. He was sharing a little of his own testimony about how he couldnt get into the groove of things...and finally he decided he was going to take "baby steps"....so he started by going down to the work out area and putting on his sweats. Thats it.....just putting on his sweats, and then taking them off. He did that for a week straight...7 days. Then the next week he did the same and added 10 minutes of walking...and it progressed like that. At first I thought "that is totally stupid!" But tonight as I emailed a friend I realized something! I too could do that.....
What if I commited to not eating junk for one hour! If I were to wake up and say to my self, "ok, today you are not going to eat any junk food!" my mind would begin a battle of rebellion vs. good girl and with in the hour or maybe two I would have already binged on something....resisting the entire day would freak me out...it just does. But what if I were to say, from 7 until 8, I will not eat any junk food! I think I could totally do that. Hour by Hour, I will commit not to eat junk. If I fail....I start over with the next hour...and when Im successful with that for a week, Perhaps I could move to a daily thing...and watch the progression from there.
New Years Resolutions are always broken by me......so this year I promise to:
1. Be a child of God, seeking humility and fully allowing Him to work through me as He desires. Loving my spouse, and my children and keeping Holy our sacrament.
2. Continue on this journey of surrender and working to become a healthier person, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
3. Finishing and implementing my "Mothers Rule".
I Promise.....I do.
Blessed New Year to all of you! I pray you will reach your goals in 2007!
So yesterday, I did pretty good! I did excersize....and then I went out with two HOTTIES in town....*My Girl friend and her daugther* and we did a little shopping and then went out and had a couple drinks, and shared two appetizers. And all to my pushing...well mine and alexandrias. I dont really get to go out much, so it was so much fun just to be there with them, I should of had one drink, and nothing to eat. DANG IT.
Ok....Todays a new day. It is. And my loving and dear husband let me sleep in until 10:00 a.m. because we didnt get to bed until midnight because we were affixiated on the dumb TV about Sadam....I know he was an evil and unjust man, but Im still sad about his exicution. As far as Im concerned, that man needs our prayers more than my very devout catholic grandmother, May God have Mercy on his Soul.....and thats all I have to say about that.
Im really tempted to get on the scale today and check my weight. But I flexuate SO much, if I do it, and see a gain.....I know I will be upset....really upset. And then I will eat, and cry and eat.....so this is why Im not going to do it. Instead, I am going to RE FOCUS and DO IT today. Thats right girls....today (like yesterday and the day before) is the beggining to the rest of my life. Day by Day....I WILL get this done.....so ya better recognize. lol Just kidding...I better recognize! And I do! I DO!
Goals:
1. Love God, Love Hubby, Love the Monkies (aka the children) and pray for all of our good Success! Thats right, Im praying for YOU 2. Water 3. Turbo Jam w/ sit ups and squats with my ball 4. Eat Well, and Journal 5. Enjoy the day.......
One little note about an excersize ball.....have you ever had to pump one of those suckers up? I got this thing like 3 months ago, and its been in the box still, so last night I decided to pump it up and do my sit ups and squats, anyway 30 minutes later and two sore arms I did it. Then I sat on it and it nearly deflated to the floor because It wasnt pumped up enough.....I was like "WHAT"....so 10 more minutes of pumping. Thats a freaking workout in its self! LOL
So yesterday went pretty well. I did binge a little, but not too bad, not as bad as usual. The wierd part about it is that I started to do it and it was almost like I didnt even realize what I was doing. Most of the time when it happens, my mind is like "You should not be doing this...." but it wasnt there, I was stressing, and so I was eating. But then all of a sudden it clicked and I was like "What the He** are you doing"...and I stopped.
We had our annual Christmas dinner with the Franciscan Sisters last night. First mass, then a potluck dinner. That was fun, I love hanging out with them. The gave us a little gift of 2 great books and a bag with their symbol on it and "Franciscan Life Process Center" on it. The children ran about with other children and we sang songs and ate. It was all about portion control for me, because there wasnt a whole lot of healthy food, all the veggies had cheese on them or some kind of creamy stuff that spelled out "NOT.SO.GOOD.FOR.YOU*, not to mention the desert tables.
I havent excersized yet today, but I am going to as soon as I am done blogging on here. MY 10 year old wants to Turbo Jam with me. He will be in 6th grade next year, and wants to play foot ball....so he thinks he needs to get in shape. He is like 54lbs....and one of the smallest kids in his class...so really he needs to "beef up" but he's perfect.
Yesterday I did pretty well with my goals. I spent good time with my babes, I read in my book about "A Mothers Rule for Life", and I spent some time in prayer during everyones nap time. I did Turbo Jam, drank my water, and kept a pretty positive attitude (all except when I was stuck in a huge traffic jam *lol*). I didnt do great with staying On Plan with Weight Watchers, mostly because I didnt calculate or journal what I ate. This will be something I work on this next week.
One thing I was thinking about last night was "I dont want to be spending the rest of my life pissed off because I cant fit into my clothing and imprisioning myself in our home because I am so embarassed about the way I look." This time it has to be for real, I have to be the one that does it, no one else can do it for me.
So much to think about, so many to be accountable for. Whats important, whats not. Choose your battles, etc. I struggle with how to fit it all in. 5 children, 6 if you include the hubby.....they all need a piece of me through out the day, not to mention the dog, and the house. When I finish writing this "Rule" I think it will all run much smoother. Pray for me!
La La La Ladies, Fa Fa Fa Fellas, Come on and Party..PARTY!
Ok ladies, so I just busted my butt and finally finished all 45 minutes hard core Turbo Jam Cardio Party Mix 1. At about 20 minutes I about gave up and threw in the towel....but I refused, and remembered my "beginning" photo and pushed through it. YEAH Baby! lol Im such a dork.
Lets talk about yesterday. Part of me says just shut up about it and leave it where it is...in the past, but I also know that If Im not honest about it here, which basically is just being honest with my self, i will be more apt to fall into the bad habits. Looking back at my goals from yesterday.....I did 2 out of the 4. And Im sad about that, but glad I did at least 2. I drank all of my water (more than all), and I worked out. *about that, I started working out with Turbo Jam when hubby was supposed to be watching the kiddo's but then he was a little absent minded and forgot he said he was gonna watch them and they kept walking around me while I was kicking and punching....and I have already kicked my 2 year old in the neck before, so that makes me nervous, so I said forget it, got my stuff and went to the gym....
As far as not binging on food. I failed miserably! I got stressed, and anxious about stuff, and ended up eating like the freaking cookie monster anything I could find in the kitchen. ...and because I ruined it, I threw in the towel and munched all day. And as far as surrendering my will to God's, I didnt do so hot on that either, I was selfish, and wasnt patient enough with my children, and I have been negelecting my duties around the home.
So I feel like I've just been to confession, and Im waiting to hear the penance.
Seriously....new goals for today
1. Drink my water 2. Stay On Program with WW 3. Do not binge 4. Excersize Turbo Jam style (DONE) 5. Keep a postive additude, love my children, and say YES to God today!
Ok, so Im back on program with Weight Watchers. I have all of the stuff here at home, Im not going to be able to go to the meetings for financial reasons, but I have everything I need at home.
*Just a little note about that. I got a season pass back in May, joined with a friend. She lost about 30lbs because she did the program, I started to lose, but very slow because of the breast feeding, and then gained, and lost...basically I was maintaining weight, and became very discouraged and threw in the towel. I was very angry at myself because of how much it cost, and I gave up AGAIN. It was a major sacrifice for my family so that I could go and "DO THIS" and I gave up.
However, "Change your thinking, change your life." *I read that in someones blog here today*. I CAN do this, and I WILL do this....
For me, I am totally going to have to take this day by day. Literally! If I look at the big picture, that I have 74lbs to loose, It will never happen. So perhaps I should make a few goals today.
1. Drink all my water 2. Do NOT splurge and end up in a binge over empty calorie food! Its not worth it, and it only makes me miserable physically and emotionally. 3. I will do my Turbo Jam 4. I will surrender my self to do God's will and not my own.
I am totally excited about this web site, I need this support, and I cant believe I can get it with out paying for it. God is so good! I have a wonderful husband who does support me in whatever I do, especially with this weight loss thing, but having others who are going through this struggle to encourage me and see me along this Journey is a huge blessing...so thank you!
So, how many times or how many years have gone by when I said...Im going to lose this weight this year. Im going to do it. Too many.
I can give 100 different excuses to why I am as heavy as I am, or rather, how unhealthy I am...but I wont. Because I am over that, now is the time to just do it, and do it for all the right reasons. I can think of 7 right now....#1 being MYSELF. Thats right, I am tired of looking in the mirror and saying ~Your discusting, I hate you, and doing what I can do to look "acceptable" for society. #2 for My husband. He deserves for me to be 100% here, and at the rate Im going, I very well could be 0% here. #3-7 for my children. They need thier mommy, and at this point I cant play with them, I have NO energy....none.
Im tired of being crabby, and sad, and depressed, and FAT. Im tired of watching other people do it and think "I cant do that".
I LOVE food. I LOVE to eat. It is my comfort when I am sad, it is the major part of any celebration in our home, or any other family members home. When I go to my mothers, its seriously the first thing I do...look for the munchies. SAD.
I want to move that LOVE for food into Love for myself. (I cant even believe Im saying that). I have heard for so many years, "You have to love yourself before you can love others," and i have totally rejected that Idea, because I do love my husband, and my children, and my family....so how can that be true? But I am ready to move forward and try to love myself.
Redirect my energy, pull my self away from those things that trigger over eating, impulse eating, etc, and eat for real hunger and nourishment for my body. I want to eat to live, not live to eat.
God, I can not do this with out you. You are my strength, please give me what I need to accomplish this much needed goal. I know you are with me, and I trust in You!
why? Because I am YOUR child and I wanna manifest YOUR Glory, for my benifit, but mostly for the benifit of my own children and all those who come into contact with me. 
