I have been out of town since Saturday night. I traveled about 1400 miles (round trip) with the Franciscan Sisters to Washington D.C. for the march for life. It was simply amazing! I had a lot of time for prayer and reflexion, alot of hashing things out with one of the Sisters. We participated in an amazing mass Sunday night at the Basillica in D.C. There were thousands there, standing room only. 300 priest came and said mass. It took 27 minutes for all of them to enter and get on the altar, and when they all passed by us 1/3 of them stopped and placed thier hands on my boy and blessed him....priest, bishops, cardinals, it was amazing.
For the actual March...there were 250,000 people there supporting the culture of life. I was blown away. I had Daniel...my 24lb 10 month old boy strapped to me with a sling for 8 hours straight....that is some exersize baby!
Im just trying to catch up on some sleep and get well from a cold that is seriously kicking my butt. I have lost 2 lbs this week. I pray to be in full swing of things by Monday.
Tomorrow is my hubbys birthday, Im having a few friends over and a few of the Franciscan sisters to suprise him with a little dinner and fun. He took care of the family while I was away, and they did great....He is so good to us.
I had a friend call me two days ago and wanted to know what days I go to the gym, and I actually havent been going consistantly...but I told her that when I do go, its usually first thing in the morning on Monday, Wednesday and Friday 5:00a.m. (so I have to get up at 4:30 a.m.) After she was done freaking out about how early that was *lol* we agreed to meet there this morning at 5:00 a.m.
All of the tredmills and elipticles were taken. So I had to ride a bike, its so uncomfortable for me, not one of my favorites at all. I did that for 20 minutes. Still nothing available, so I went to start my strength training in the other room....and I got kicked out because there is a group who paid 400.00 to do a "Biggest Loser Competition" and they were going to be training in that room. I was a little upset, because everything the trainer showed me was in that room, the lady said I could bring some equiptment out in the other room, and I did....but honestly, there is NO room out there to do it....because all the equiptment is everywhere. with in 10 minutes about 5 different women were FUMING because they couldnt work out in there, and they have been doing it for 9 months now. I wonder what will come of it.
So I did a few of the things I usually did, then the tredmills started to open up and we did 20 more minutes on that....with a level 4 incline I burned about 200 calories.
I am going to have a good day, and I am going to try not to get "stuck".....so that means, Im turning off the computer and will check it once around nap time, and once before bed. Hopefully I will find a moment or two to work on the things I need to, spend quality time with the babes, and hubby, and I have a meeting tonight at Church about how to help our kids cope with the priest scandle.
Your prayers and notes are much appreciated. Im praying for you and rooting you on!
First of all I just want to ask you to bare with me this next few days. I think I truley have a lot of sorting out to do. This isnt going to happen over night, and it isnt going to happen with out effort on my part. *Darn it* I've looked back and have read through my past blogs, and its totally back and forth, back and forth with this weight loss thing. Thats frustrating to me.
I was praying this afternoon while making lunch for my children, and it came to me "God doesnt give us more than we can handle"....and at first I immedately thought "yeah right"....and thought, "ok God, how can this be true?", and I was just quiet and realized, its true.
God doesnt give me more than I can handle, so this means... 1. Because of the gift of free will I have the choice how to "handle" what it is I am given. And right now Im not handling it very well at all. 2. With all that I have, God must have some sort of "plan" for me, or greater purpose (why do I feel like a pompus jerk for saying this?), and it depends on me if that gets done or not.
Fear will never help me reach my goal, so this means 1. There is not enough room inside my spirit for both fear and Hope. Both will seed and grow, both can determine my mood and my day. 2. "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, YOUR will be done, on earth as it is in heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us and lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil (FEAR).....I need deliverance from fear.... "Fear not for I am with you"
I havent been on in the past few days because I have been busy with so much other stuff. One of which was writing a "NOVEL" email back and forth with a god send of a friend. Through this I have discovered a few different things about myself, and why Im not allowing myself to lose this weight....because whenever I get remotely pumped up to do it, or even am on program for a couple days, I throw in the towel and eat enough food for the week.
Its frustrating. I remember going to my first Weight Watchers meeting and the leader said, "alot of people call themselves binge eaters, but there not really, they dont clacify because in order to be a binge eater you have to eat so many calories OVER your daily allowance of calories." I approached her after wards and told her that I thought that I in fact did have this problem...she assured me I didnt. Well, let me tell ya....I sat here last night and ate an entire box of chocolate Chip granola bars and 2 pieces of pizza hut pizza....because I was paying bills, and freaked out about it...... and oh..."Im not a binge eater.
This roller coaster has GOT to STOP.
Im totally setting here balling because Im so mad about that. So I have come up with these "realizations" about what keeps me from doing it, what the heck am I supposed to do with them?
The bottom line is that perhaps I am "scared" to be thin. Years of abuse and neglect, fear and anger....nearly 100lbs between me and that whole thing. If I lost the weight would I attract that negative attention....because its my fault....as if it were ever MY FAULT to begin with.
Its been a stressful week, emotionally because of the whole Priest scandle, believe me we are still dealing with all of this on a daily basis. On average I have gotten 4 phone calls a day from different people who are upset, angry, devistated, sad....and I try to remind them of the reason we love our catholic faith, and why we go to church in the first place....its all about Jesus....physically because of lack of sleep, a bit of a cold, and the entire weight issuse, and spiritually Im ok. Why dont I allow that to carry me through?
Lastly I got on the scale this morning...as it has been my weigh in day for the past month. I have gained 4.5lbs in a WEEK.
So I have a choice to say screw this and return to my friend the kitchen....or not.
I wonder what would happen if I actually did this.
Im going to go clean my house, and exercize today.
Well, in the light of what is going on I have come to understand a few things....for a lack of better words.
1. It is out of my hands. I have a right to be sad about it, I have a right to cry, I have a right to pray for everyone involved. I do not have the right to get "stuck" because of it, I do not have the right to neglect myself or my family because of it, I do not have the right to throw in the towel ~ because that would conflict with Gods will for my life.
2. Even though this situation is hard, and trivial, it is Gods will, and who am I to fight against it?! I have the choice to either become bitter and feel hate-filled feelings about it, or I can choose to grow from this....and run straight to Jesus with it.
3. I have a choice to love and live out my sacrament as a wife and mother, or not to....and I choose to do it. Part of that is being healthy. Yesterday I totally threw in the towel. I convinced my self that I was devistated and going through a hard time right now and I deserved to make myself feel better. Now that I look back on yesterday, I was even more miserable because of what I did to my body....not exercising and eating a bunch of junk I didnt need!
So today, I choose Me. *so hard to say!* but I do. I choose me, I choose to be healthy, and do what I need to do.
Thank you again to all of you who have encouraged me. Today will be a good day!
I need YOUR support! Im incredibly sad, and have only had about 3 hours of sleep.
Yesterday we learned that our Priest has been removed from his priestly ministry because of an immodest act that occured in 1971, and was resolved in 1993. However, because of the new charter that is in place due to the sex scandal in the church, it reads a zero tolerance law. Now mind you, it was an immodest act, NOT any physical contact. He has been our priest for over 10 years, a father figure for me as my father is not present in my life.
Im devistated, Im SO sad. Im angry too....because you know what, I was abused for 11 years of my life, physically , and an immodest act.....WHAT? I know I dont know the extent of the ONE TIME act, but .....I just dont know what to say.
My husband sits on the pastoral council, they had a meeting yesterday. Its going to be a long, painful road for our parish family. My 10 year old who is an altar server is devistated. We love this man, he is our friend, he has had dinner with us, he studied with my husband when he was single............
And you know what....the MEDIA is such a crock! Im so furious with it, because they put this awful old black and white picture of him up, and word it as "another priest found guilty of sexually abusing a YOUNG BOY." Its so far from the truth.
Anyway, why I need you.....I seriously want to shove about the entire refrigerator in my face...and here is where I get stuck in that rut again if I do....and I dont want to, I just dont.....
God....if you can hear me, please heal our broken hearts, please heal Father Dave's broken heart, give us strength, bring us closer to you through this tragety....I pray for peace.
We actually do it! I think we often spend a lot of time telling ourselves that we cant do it, or that its too hard, or it isnt like that for me....and if we just put our mind to it, and did it....we would achieve whatever it is we are trying to achieve. This may be common sense for some people...but for me, its a revelation I need to remind my self of often!
I have been on track for 3 days now...all except for one bing episode, I have been good. I have done turbo jam and have done abs(upper and lower), squats, and pushups on the ball. I even extended my workout yesterday and did the AB Jam after the 50 minute cardio! YEAH BABY!
Today my daughter helped me count all of the situps, pushups and squats...she's 3 1/2 so thats a big deal....My own little personal trainer! And of course I had to pay her, because trainers make great money...so bounced her around on the ball....and ladies, thats a freaking workout in itself!
So Im working on this "Mothers Rule" and have concluded that I have a lot of distractions in my life that I need to minimize! The top 3 being, The COMPUTER, The TELEVISION, and The TELEPHONE.....all forms of communication. Part of the Mothers Rule is implementing more time for prayer....so this is the first part I am trying to get in. So I am convinced that I need to work on cutting down my time on the computer (I "check" my email constantly and end up here for an hour or more each time....that adds up!), cutting down my time with the television (I am totally blaming my mother for getting me addicted to those dumb soap opera's....you know the ones, and the funny thing is I have been able to see a mood change with in my self because of what I have seen on that television....and so does my husband..So Sista, they've got ta go!), and cutting down my time on the telephone (this will be the hardest I think, but the way I think I will tackle it is that if I am in the middle of something with my children, or husband, or family...'like dinner', I will let the machine get it and return the call when I can. Family first).
Im feeling very honored that a friends daughter has asked me to be her confirmation sponsor....what a privilage...and Im praying I will be what she needs me to be, nothing more, nothing less....I just wanna be the light so she can see Jesus!
So my plan for the week is to just KEEP GOING! Love my self and not eat junk. Drink my water and "shake it, shake it".....
MY WORKOUT. It really got me down for a couple of days not being able to finish a workout that I have done many times before. Many factors contributed to the fact, *tierd, maybe a little under the weather...and I have been filling my body full of junk. I even got to the point where I thought I may be having a heart/pulminary issue and called my doctor. He recommended a stress echo test, (because I have had this issue before, when I was pregnant), but I honestly think it probably has a lot more to do with stress than anything. Im not saying I wont do the test, I still may, but at this point, if I dont have the symptoms again, I probably wont do it.
Thank you to all of you who have emailed me and left messages on my blog! Love YOU SO!
I have a little one who is quite ill today...our 2 1/2 year old. He has been suffering from a cold and runny nose, but today he is really coughing with a high fever, I may have to take him to urgen care?!
I've had a rough couple of days. And trying to think about what it is that is really holding me back from doing this thing that has consumed my life...weight loss, and I think I have come up with something.
I feel guilty taking care of me. I feel guilty taking time away from my family to go and work out. I tried to come up with a solution about working out early in the morning (being at the gym at 5 a.m. when they open), but when i have to get up twice in the night to feed a 9 month old breast fed baby, getting up at 4:30 a.m. is not at all apealing to me!
So I talked to my ever loving Husband about it last night, and mind you, he is extremely supportive. I told him I didnt want to go to the gym after the kids go to bed because that is our time to spend time together, His response is "But if you dont do it you may not be here for me to spend time with anyway, so please go, I dont mind! I want you to be healthy, I desire to make you happy."
The other day we were talking and I told him that I needed him to tell me what he expected from me, as a wife. And he said, "I dont have expectations for you, I love you the way you are." My response was...."I know, but I need a reason to work at it, a reason to become healthy, because right now I know I dont have to do anything to make you happy, because your satisfied with how I am. I could gain 50lbs and you wouldnt care." And he just said, "Honey, I love you, and what I want most is for you to be happy."
What is discouraging me? Im overwhelmed, and I dont know how to make it all work, and take care of myself at the same time. Right now we are working on Financial Peace University, living on a budget, which we have never done, I am a stay at home mother of 5 children, 3 of which are 3 and under....and I watch another 2 1/2 year old (who is a very good child), but there is ALOT of crying going on around here, and everytime I just have had enough, Im running to the kitchen for something to shove down my throat. My two older boys are from a previous marriage, and its a difficult situation, they live at home, but spend time with thier father, and I encourage it, but it makes things difficult. We are working through our apprenticeship with the Franciscan Sisters, I teach 2nd Grade Faith Formation, did I mention that they boys have school work, I clean a friends house once a week for extra cash for groceries, the three youngest have medical difficulties, 3 yo has bladder/kidney issues, 2 yo has dermatology issues, 9 mo has asthma, and reflux issues that may be contributing to a wet cough he has had since birth. Then theres the dog....dog duties, and then house, laundry, dishes, cleaning....Im just overwhelmed.
The past few days I have basically crawled in a hole. I havent done anything around here. I cried myself to sleep last night talking to my husband, who did all he could by just holding me. Ya know, I just think we are only given this one chance here, and I am waisting it, but I dont know how to get out of this. I dont know how to always make the best of it.
Part of the problem is that I am stuck, literally, stuck in our home from Monday until Friday....I rarely even go out side to check the mail.
So, perhaps I need to just do it.....after getting the kids ready for bed, I need to go to the gym...I need to take that time for me.
So I had to ride a bike, its so uncomfortable for me, not one of my favorites at all. I did that for 20 minutes. Still nothing available, so I went to start my strength training in the other room....and I got kicked out because there is a group who paid 400.00 to do a "Biggest Loser Competition" and they were going to be training in that room. 
It really got me down for a couple of days not being able to finish a workout that I have done many times before. Many factors contributed to the fact, *tierd, maybe a little under the weather...and I have been filling my body full of junk. I even got to the point where I thought I may be having a heart/pulminary issue and called my doctor. He recommended a stress echo test, (because I have had this issue before, when I was pregnant), but I honestly think it probably has a lot more to do with stress than anything. Im not saying I wont do the test, I still may, but at this point, if I dont have the symptoms again, I probably wont do it.