A Journey of Surrender

This is Why I weigh 245lbs...I am the girl in the freaking Commercial.

Friday, November 2, 2007 00:01:22

I am so sick and tired of this vicious cycle I live in with food. I am so sick and tired of not being comfortable when I sit, when I stand, when I walk, or play with my kids
I am so sick and tired of complaining about "Im fat" "I look so horrible"
I never thought I would be the girl in the commercial... the one who says "It got to the point where I couldnt breath after walking a flight of stairs, or when I bent down to tie my shoes, I couldnt play with my children anymore, and I didnt want to go outside and do anything..."
I AM THAT GIRL, and Im miserable.
Today this is what I ate... no excuses because my busy hectic life leads me to eat this way OFTEN.. I make bad choices
Breakfast: 2 Fiber one bars
3 cinnamon cookies
Taco Bell: 2 chicken supreme chalupa's, soft shell taco, nacho's and cheese (because my son didnt want them and HOW could I let them go to waist when I paid for them) and a HUGE mountain dew.
2 more cinnamon cookies
Dinner: Arby's Italian sub, curly fries, large Mountain Dew topped off with 2 large chocolate chip cookies from Panera Bread.
Discusting! I know. Hardly any water in there.
One friend said to me the other day that she thought that when we eat emotionally (which I totally do, hence all the cookies) that we are trying to mask the pain. I am to the point that I dont even KNOW WHAT THE PAIN feels like anymore because I dont allow myself to even get near it. I mad at hubby... run to the kitchen, the kids stress me out... run to the kitchen.... I have nurses to deal with... the list goes on.

I cant live like this. I cant even look at myself in the mirror anymore, I cant fit into my clothes, and I refuse to shop for another bigger size.

I just really needed to say all of this. Because Im done with it. Im done fighting myself about it. I just dont know how to make that decision to do what I know I need to do.

One good thing though is that we joined MVP Sportsplex in town with a family membership. I have every intention of going there tomorrow for my first time, letting the little ones play in the kids place and meeting my "trainer" for my 3 free sessions for signing up.

It is what i make it... isnt it?!

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short and sweet

Friday, December 7, 2007 21:00:17

Well, it is possible. I lost weight, even with a bumb leg. I am down 3.2lbs (this is over 2 weeks). Yeah! :) My husband is down too... I think 4lbs this week alone. I am down a total of 10.2, he is down 19.1.

I dont have an mri until the 6th... I am anxious to see what will happen. Today I was literally moving my knee cap all around. Its sick!

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Injured and afraid.....

Friday, December 7, 2007 22:05:19

Well, I have been MIA for a BAD reason. Friday night my 5 year old DD says "mom why do you always have to take care of Sam (our 4 month old special needs baby) and dont play with me anymore?" So Im crushed to hear her say that, and I take her outside to jump on the trampoline. We jump for about 30 minutes and lay on the tramp, tell stories, look at the clouds together, talk about her favorite stuff at school and then jump for about 10 more minutes. We decide its time to go in and I make one final jump from the far side to the side where the door of the screen is, and for some reason I jump really REALLY high, I thought I was going to go over the side, I "freak out" in the air to try to catch myself and landed completely on my left leg, my knee SNAPED, CRACKED whatever it did it was LOUD, and I just laid there and screamed like a freaking school girl. Mostly just mad that this happened. Yeah it hurt like a you know what, but I've been doing so good with weight loss, 8lbs in 2 weeks, running the 5k program, and its been a good thing in my life with all the stress we have trying to keep our 4 month old alive and everyone elses life balanced. NOW... They think I tore the meniscus and ligaments in my knee and will need some surgery. I have an MRI on Sept 6th then meet with the Dr. again on Sept 8th.

Im mad, and I've been running to food because this is how I handle stress. I turned that around and I was exercising instead... but I can barley walk. We have not much help with the kids and only nurses at night for our sick one.

I dont want to gain. I know that some people lose weight with out exercise at all... I need to tap into that, because I need to get healthy!!!!

DANG IT!!!!

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Rough Day!!!!

Friday, December 7, 2007 23:08:16

We had a few appointments with Sam, our special needs 4 month old, and my babysetter cancelled for the other 5, so I had to take everyone with me, on my own. Daniel (2) bit Joseph (4) on the lip and it was bleeding everywhere at the doctors office, while the doctor was explaining a surgery Sam needs. Just lots of crying and fighting and "Im hot, Im thristy, I just peed my pants" kind of stuff.
My house is a MESS... and it has been this unorganized mess ever since our miracle baby came... and Im not complaining, but I am almost OCD when it comes to my house, and I have been able to "brush it off" until now because before I was barley here because I was at the NICU with Sam, now Im here, most days, all day, and its a mess, and I cant clean it because I have to take care of everyone, and every time I do clean it up, someone is behind me messing it up again.... so Im not going to hire someone to clean it, because it will take Seconds to get messy again... and then its a waste of money. The joys of having a big family. I love it, but it gets rough...
And today I ate two cookies... so I have to count the points (Im on core) but I just hate that I caved into that.

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Its a good thing

Friday, December 7, 2007 23:06:16

Today was our weigh in day. My hubby lost 3lbs and I lost ..... get ready... 4.7 lbs! Thats right, I BEAT him this week. :) So thats a total of 8lbs in the two weeks I have really committed myself to WW and exercising. I couldnt be more thrilled about that. Im in... hook, line and sinker. We're going down! Lets Dance... thats right... get down.. now "shake it shake it shake it." LOL

Seriously, Turbo Jam, the c25k, and walking 2 miles to the park with the kids at least 3 times a week... something each day... its helping and I feel great. I feel good in my clothes and I can see them slipping off and getting into something "a bit more comfortable"... Oh la la! :)

Today I worked, I did two Senior Portrait Photo Shoots, and Im tired! Thats 5 1/2 hours of running around, crouching down standing on rocks, keeping my balance and telling these teen age kids what to do. I love my job, I miss it actually, I havent been able to do much with all thats going around here. But we need the money desperately and Its a good "out" for me. So.... Im glad I did it. Now the real work begins with editing and such.

Ok... Im headed out to play with the kids, its a beautiful day!

Hope your all doing well... lets continue to go together!

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La La La Ladies.....

Friday, December 7, 2007 23:03:11

Yep, just finished the 20 minute Turbo Jam DVD... I absolutely LOVE TURBO JAM... if you didnt already know that. And I did my 2nd day of the c25k.... YEAH ME.

Last night I did a 5 mile bike ride with my 2nd oldest son who is 9. It was so much fun. We both struggled to get up this hill and he was like "I cant do it mom" and I was like "COME ON BUDDY... I believe in ya" and he started pettling his butt off and so did I. We made it. He is just this little peanut, like 50lbs or something. Having 6 kiddo's this is a rarity that we get to have one on one time. I think I am going to try to make this a priority more often.

P.s. My butt hurts from the bike seat. lol

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Lots to talk about today...

Friday, December 7, 2007 23:02:21

Well my 3 1/2 yr old and 2 1/2 yr old sons woke me up at 5:30 a.m. and I couldnt get back to sleep, so I kicked them out to the couches to watch a movie and I put in Turbo Jam in my room and rocked that out for 45 minutes, then got 2 other kiddo's on the bus, got 3 more ready to go for a walk to the park, left baby Sam at home with the nurse , so that was 2 miles, ran like crazy around the park chasing them for 30 minutes, fell and scraped my knee a bit (slightly humiliated) took a shower and here I am.

For breakfast I ate oatmeal with raspberries and after all that I came home and we all had yogurt with granola!

I feel FABULOUS!

Im thinking about what it would be like not to wear a 20/22 pair of pants. I cant imagine it. I look at my stomach and my thighs, after 6 c sections... will it really shrink?

I mean Im all in, Im doing this... but Im thinking REALLY? Does it really happen.

If you've been there, share with me, I wanna know!

How do I set a healthy goal weight. I've always been told Im "big boned" (perhaps this was something my family members told themselves to make them feel better about themselves for being obese?!)
Im 5'4" and I would love to get to 160... but is that healthy. Everything I look at says 140 at the highest. I think I might look "sick" if I got down to that.

Im learning a lot about myself these past two weeks Ive really focused on WW!
1. When I get into the car and Im alone... I "think" Im hungry and start debating with myself on whether or not I should run for the border and go to Taco Bell... before I would mindlessly just go.
2. When I get frustrated or upset (like tonight with DH)... I run to the fridge and grab something.
3. When Im tired and waiting for the babies nurse to come at 11 p.m. all I can think about is running to meijers and getting those cookies I LOVE. Its a fight not to beg my husband to run and get them.

However....

I am really encouraged by my loss of 3.3 last week, and how good I feel when I get in my exercise! SO... Trigers... now that your named... GET LOST! I refuse to give in, I want this, and I need this to happen!

Thats all I got.

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Whats up with PROGRESS!!!!!!

Friday, December 7, 2007 23:01:13

This weekend was well.... It was our anniversary and we went to Olive Garden. I only ate 1/3 of my pasta steak dish and ordered the fresh fruit for dessert! That my friends is progress. I have also gone all weekend with out bingeing on anything. :)

Today I did a 2 mile walk to the park with my kids, 20 minutes of turbo jam and my first day of the c25k. It went well. The tredmill said I did 1.733 mi in 30 minutes, 262 calories and 39 carbs.

Im proud! So, I think its safe to say that the 3.3 pound loss has given me a bit of modivation.

Here's to OUR progress... Cheers!

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A Loss

Saturday, December 8, 2007 00:09:07

So today was weigh in day. I am down 3.3lbs! :) I am thrilled.... and just think I slipped up a few times and had taco bell TWICE... yuck. It could have been much worse. I CAN do this. So my goal this week is to give my 100% to it and see what I can make of it.

My dear husband.... well he lost 7lbs. I could have slapped him. He was 263 and now is 256. I dont know how to figure it out like they did on the biggest loser to see who lost the most percentage wise.... Im not sure how much I like this little comp. we have going on. I worked out 6 days... he didnt work out at all... just ate really well.

So... here's to another week!

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Confession time.

Saturday, December 8, 2007 00:06:13

So, last night I did the 40 minute turbo Jam, Cardio Party Mix 1 with my oldest son (who is almost 12), and then this morning I did 20 minutes tred mill (194 cal, 1.046 miles, 28.2 carbs) and the 20 minute turbo jam. I have been eating pretty well, all but a few "stress" attacks. One was bad, and I totally caved into it. It was a stressful night with all the kiddo's at the school's icecream social and by the time we got home, get them settled, and I got our babies care time done which includes lots of meds and trach / g tube care, I was very frazzled. I had to go to Meijer to get a couple more things for my 4th grader b/c school started the next day, and on the way home... my one "addiction" screamed my name.... (Taco bell) and dont you know "I deserve it, its been a rough day, Its only once, I can count it into my points...." So I did, and felt terrible all night long from it. Even got sick a little because of the pop. :(

SO... there you have my confession. Other than that, I have been on program and I am moving forward. It used to be at least an every other day thing that I would have to run to the store when hubby got home and on my way I would make this "very necessary stop"...

Its Wed, and I weigh in on Saturday. I have worked out every single day since my last weigh in (where I gained 2 lbs). And for the most part been on program. I just hope for the best.

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