I am so sick and tired of this vicious cycle I live in with food. I am so sick and tired of not being comfortable when I sit, when I stand, when I walk, or play with my kids
I am so sick and tired of complaining about "Im fat" "I look so horrible" 
I never thought I would be the girl in the commercial... the one who says "It got to the point where I couldnt breath after walking a flight of stairs, or when I bent down to tie my shoes, I couldnt play with my children anymore, and I didnt want to go outside and do anything..."
I AM THAT GIRL, and Im miserable.
Today this is what I ate... no excuses because my busy hectic life leads me to eat this way OFTEN.. I make bad choices
Breakfast: 2 Fiber one bars
3 cinnamon cookies
Taco Bell: 2 chicken supreme chalupa's, soft shell taco, nacho's and cheese (because my son didnt want them and HOW could I let them go to waist when I paid for them) and a HUGE mountain dew.
2 more cinnamon cookies
Dinner: Arby's Italian sub, curly fries, large Mountain Dew topped off with 2 large chocolate chip cookies from Panera Bread.
Discusting! I know. Hardly any water in there. 
One friend said to me the other day that she thought that when we eat emotionally (which I totally do, hence all the cookies) that we are trying to mask the pain. I am to the point that I dont even KNOW WHAT THE PAIN feels like anymore because I dont allow myself to even get near it. I mad at hubby... run to the kitchen, the kids stress me out... run to the kitchen.... I have nurses to deal with... the list goes on.

I cant live like this. I cant even look at myself in the mirror anymore, I cant fit into my clothes, and I refuse to shop for another bigger size.

I just really needed to say all of this. Because Im done with it. Im done fighting myself about it. I just dont know how to make that decision to do what I know I need to do.

One good thing though is that we joined MVP Sportsplex in town with a family membership. I have every intention of going there tomorrow for my first time, letting the little ones play in the kids place and meeting my "trainer" for my 3 free sessions for signing up.

It is what i make it... isnt it?!

Turning point.  Sounds like this is a great place for you to be at.  Now, things can only get better.

(( HUGS )) and prayers - keep hanging in there. 

Good luck at the gym tomorrow!!

I get bored and i eat.  I did it today!  i sat here knowing i shouldn't do it but i did it anyway. Good thing is I stopped myself!  i didn't continue eating like the old me would have.  it's a learning process.  chew gum.  Get a little song in your head and sing it when you are stressed.  think about being thin and more importantly being good to your body and what all that junk food does to your internal organs! i try to think of this.  doesn't always work, but as long as it works more often than not, that's what matters.

Baby steps!   And don't beat yourself up if you do overeat.  Just move on.

 Hi, there!!

Sounds like you have made the first step towards a better life. Realising what is going on with you is always the first step. You just have to take it from there. It takes some time to get to that place, but you will. Believe me, I know what I am talking about. I struggled for months, but I am in the zone now!!

Good luck!!