Hi all, my apologies, but this post is mainly going to be about my ramblings. I'll probably be whining and whining here, so pls skip it or bear with me. =)
So today, after I came back from outside with my bf, my mom commented that I should not wear shorts to go out. Its too unsightly she says, my legs being so thick and with cellulite. It makes me look so much fatter. Arghhhhhh. I love my mom lots, but sometimes, her words really sting. I mean, I am trying my best to love and embrace my body as it is, with all the lumps and fats. Yes. But each time I succeed, it seems something will be there to pour cold water over my efforts.
Just like now, its been more than a week, 8 days to be exact, 7 out of 8 days of jogging and walking consistently for more than 24 km accumulatively now and instead of losing weight, I seem to be gaining rapidly instead.
But nonetheless, whether its my hallucination or imagination, my thighs seem to be smaller. Haha. And irregardless of what the scale reads, with each jog/walk that I do, I feel more confident of myself. Its weird how contagoius it is! And really, I have not lost any weight, yet somehow, I just feel "Slimmer". And let me tell you, that feeling is just magical.
Just can't seem to rid eating during the wee hours!
Heyo, first of all, thanks for all the comments! Really appreciate them! =) The comments made me feel so accompanied in this journey of discovery. =) Cheers to all!
As what my title says, I just cant seem to rid eating during the wee hours. As you know, I am from Singapore, and its 12.30am now here, and while typing and posting my post, I am munching on cookies (i am keeping count--10 at the moment). And its really bad... I seem to be able to control my eating until dinner, where it'll just go bazaar even if I am satisfied and full. Just like now, I just reached home from a trip to starbucks, and just drowned down 2 cups of passionfruit brewed tea (choice of drink not my usual but trying my best to choose the drink with least calories). Feeling super bloated with all the water, yet I still feel the uncontrollable urge to munch, munch n munch, even when my hands are busy typing. Argghhh.
So I weighed myself this morning (not my WI yet) and the numbers are increasing, from 75.4kg to 77kg overnight! Is it possible?!?!?! I am trying to convince myself its the water. Since i've started exercising, my water intake has increased significantly (from practically 0litres to 2/3litres), but nonetheless, I'm devastated. I think it has alot to do with my food choices, though I have to say its healthier than my previous choices a month ago.
Will take it one step at a time! Afterall, it didnt take me a week to gain all the kilos... actually it took me 3months to reach 77kg from the weight of 72kg! 3 months it took to gain 5kg. So i am keeping my fingers crossed that I can lose 5kg in 3 months. Hahaha. Ok ok, take a step at a time gal!
Just five minutes ago, my friend Dennis told me something on the messager. We were just chit chatting about his efforts towards weightloss, and I was advising him about going on crash diets (he is hardly eating) and I was advising him that this will backfire ultimately, and told him to watch his health, and you know what he said to me????!!!!!
He says "I know better than you, and I will not let you undermine my determination. You are just being jealous that I am losing weight."
And when i told him nicely again that I have been researching and reading on weight loss for the past 10 years and I've tried it and done it all before, and he said "Regardless of what you say and how you are going to influence my willpower, I will not listen to u. Besides, I am more motivated than you. You are just being jealous."
Oh my gosh!!! So much for trying to help him out. I should have just kept my comments to myself and let him suffer! Can you believe how disgusting a person can get?!?!
Argggghhhh or maybe its just me. Fat people like me has no credibility. Arghhhhhhhh.
Hey all, todays theres good news and bad news. The good news is, I took a sneak at the weighing machine scale earlier and its still at 166.2lbs. The bad news is, despite all my hard work at exercising for the past six days, i still haven't lost!!!
But, granted, i ate nearly 4000 cal yesterday... and to think I ate each meal being super mindful of everything I put into my mouth! That means, previously, you can just imagine how many calories i must have consumed!!!
So, i think i will cut down on my food intake. Also, is it me or do you guys also felt this: When i eat less, i seem to have consitispation.... despite having lots of fruits,vege and water. Is that healthy?
Wow its unbelievable! I just went to my company gym to jog, and guess who I saw! As you know, I've not been exercising and not been going to the gym since june 08, and I met my colleague, (different department/storey), her name is Raffii, and wow, its unbelievable how much weight she lost!
Its only been 3 months?!?! And she wasnt even exercising everyday, just twice a week max, joining our kickboxing classes at the company gym, and her arms, they look so small!!! Wow, i'm so impress!
But of course, the other gym goers didnt notice the difference as they see her every other day at the gym. But its unbelievable her transformation!!!
Have you ever justified to yourself that your body needs more food after exercising? Have you ever had the feeling that because of exercise, it is right to eat more, that somehow it is alright?
Well, I realised that since exericising consistently for the past 4 days, my mind somehow manages to justify and allow myself to eat more, even though I am not hungry. And after doing a calculation of how many calories I have taken the past few days, I am so shock to know that previously I have been taking at least 4000 worth of calories. All those mindless eating, really kills.
So in summary (good days), I ate:
15 Sept 08 Mon: 2710(consumed) - 300(exercise) = 2410 cal
Decreasing gradually, but I still think the past few days' worth of exercise would have only helped me in maintaining my current weight and not to bring it down. I read on a magazine that as adults with a sedartary lifestyle, I will only need 1600 cal to maintain my weight!!! Which means for the past 3 days, I consumed at least 1200 cal extra!!! Which means 1/2 pound GAIN?!?!?! This just doesn't make sense. It sucks.
Anyway, I will carry on, I will give myself more time. I should be able to see the effects of my past efforts next week (I read from some of your blogs that the weight will be reflected only a week later), so keeping my fingers crossed that everything will turn out good.
I so so just need a sign, any loss will do.
Anyway, I found out yesterday that my creative ipod has died. Its been my uncomplaining running companion for 3 years and yesterday it just died! No music, no sound, it wont even start. =( So from today on, no more music as i jog. Thats sad. =(
Today's breakfast: none, lunch: porridge with veges and fish, a cup of fruit juice, some fruits chiku and papaya, then a soya bean drink.
Then, guess wat?!?! I went for a walk at east coast park! From fort road to bedok jetty and back! I was super tired and lacked the motivation, so didnt jog, just had a slow walk of about 5 km at least? Walked for nearly 2.5hrs!
But horror of horrors, though i had a yummy home-made dinner - soup of cabbage, carrots, 4 fish toufu and 3 sotong balls, some grapes, a prune, I just weren't satisfied.
After my evening walk, I actually wasnt hungry and could have skipped dinner, but somehow, i just felt so emotionally unbalanced, like super pitiful if i didnt had dinner, and even after the really delicious soup, i still felt unsatisfied.... 3/4 full which is just nice, but feeling very emotional somehow-- its hard to describe my feelings, but its a mixture of confusion, depression, saddness, and a tingle of hopelessness.
Its really hard to describe, but suddenly, i just feel so alone, even though my family is right here with me at home, somehow, i just feel so emotionally depress... its weird, and there is absolutely no reason for me to feel that!!!
My bf called earlier to tell me he was late for a meeting... a very important meeting that even me, the late queen, am never late for ( we work at the same company)... and I know he wanted assurance from me that it is nothing, not a big deal to be late, but instead, I just snapped. Really totally snapped and just yelled at him, screaming at him at the sereverity of being late for that particular kind of meeting.
I dont know wat happened to me! I just snapped! And I was doing so so well most of today. I resisted food, ate healthy good food, was doing my cardio even though I really wanted to give it a miss, I was doing so well, and yet I snapped. I feel so so terrible and while typing this post, somehow tears just keep rolling down. And by the way, i am munching on a packet of chips. I checked, its 200 cal. Medium pack. But am thinking of making my way through a packet of sweets. 4 "wormy gummies" for 100 cal...
What am I to do?!?!? I am really feeling so terrible it sucks. The worst thing is I cant control my emotions and the result is eating, eating, eating, like how I've always dealt with my emotions in the past, eating to make it all better.
How do I solve this mystery of emotional eating when I dont even know what is the root of my emotional state?!?!
You know how it is when one moment ago you can be super proud of yourself, and the next minute you feel just super letdown and disappointed and disgusted? Thats how i feel now. And the sad thing is, i was so proud of my exercising efforts just what, half an hour ago?
My ex-colleague, someone whom i envy from last year (she resigned last year and she was in my com for a year) contacted me through msn. Its been a long while, and she was my best friend (u knw wat i mean) while she was in my com... n even then (2007) she is sexy, skinny, with lots of male attention. You know, one of those sexy, gorgeous, glamous babes around... n ( i knw this sounds like i am being jealous/sour/watever bad feelings it is)... well, she contacted me and i am super glad and excited and happy and then it happened!
She sent me her recent photos!
And while i am excited, i really started to feel all bad about myself... especially since my weight has been increasing since last year, while she dropped from 55kg to 52kg! She really looks good, even better than what i remembered! Nono, let me assure you i am a very kind hearted lady with no bad feelings for any one... i am not jealous of her, and i really wish her well from my heart, but really, i just cant help but feel .... INADEQUATE! Yes, thats the word... Its inadequate. I feel inferior. ='(
I mean 52kg, thats my weight when i was 12!?!?! And she's of the same height as me. Life is really ....
Pretty good so far! Resisted Fastfood and clocked my km in the gym!
Today has been pretty good food wise and exercise wise! I managed to run 5km today, putting my aim of completing 100km 8 km closer. Ran at a even slower pace (7.2km/hr) than my 2006 speeof 8km/hr at the gym. Oh well, thats why they say never ever stop exercising else before we know it, we would have lost all our stamina and all previous efforts will be wiped out. Anyway, the good news is, I dont feel too overly exhausted and out of breathe while running, but the bad news is, I weighed myself at the gym's machine and I put on 6lbs from my previous all time high!!!!! I am weighing in at 165.4lbs!!!! My goodness!!!
No wonder some colleagues have been commenting that I put on weight!!! Goodness! So now i am starting another mission to get to my (10 years ago) all time low of 120lbs!
So today's food intake is good so far. Ate moderately for breakfast n lunch, but during tea time, my colleagues decided to go to kfc. Yikes. Here i am trying to control myself and my eating habits, and there they are, going to these calories ladden fast food joints.
Anyway, I'm so proud of myself because I resisted ordering the yummy crispy chicken thighs, and instead only had two finger sticks of pasta shrimp cheez, their latest item on the menu. I guess it should be about 300 calories? Checked online on their website, but nope, no nutriuion facts for this new item.
So now, I only need to control dinner, pace the timing of dinner out nicely so that I wont be too hungry before i sleep and i guess that should be all for today. =)
