So disappointed and devoided of all determination and hope
Hi all, I'm feeling very depress and unbalanced now... its sunday night at 8.30pm and I just can't help but feel disgusted at myself, disgusted at my efforts, angry at my bf for shouting at me and venting his own frustrations on me, like i am his punching bag, and feeling just so zapped of all hope and determination.
Just last thursday i weighted myself and I was 155.6lbs!!! Thats the lowest I've been this whole year 2008, but i am telling you, when tomorrow comes at the pre-weigh in at the gym, i am definately much heavier than 155.6lbs and that just makes me feel so sick. I have been bingeing non-stop this whole november, and even though i've lost weight, the weight isn't as much as it could have been. Its like i feel i am sabotating myself, my own efforts, its like i am afraid to go below 70kg, always loitering at 70.5 to 72kg and i am just so sick of it. Each time my weight drops, i eat and eat and binge. I dunno why i am doing this to myself. And i also noticed how i seldom blog these days. Its like with each passing day i am losing hope day by day on myself.
I watched this hongkong drama, and there was this question that kept lingering in my mind. The few seconds before i die, what will i regret the most? Am i ready to die? What are the things i want to achieve before I'm called in by God.... and I am just so confused and frustrated. Its like this big nagging feeling that I've not accomplished anything! I have lived 25 years of my life and what have I achieved?!?! Argghhhghghg
Okay, i am not going to kill myself, but i really wonder what am i in this world for. Its like this huge black cloud is decending on me and all around me, i just feel this negativity. My job, its just a job that i have to do, that pays me better than others. I dont really feel i have this great big passion for it. Look at myself at my attempts at losing weight, a little success and i am getting it all in my head, losing steam, giivng up, eating bingeing, not exercising. I really detest myself so.
Why am I bringing myself to ruins? What do i want from myself??? Do you all also feel these phases of uncertainty and pain? I just feel so frustrated yet cant pinpoint why, cant pinpoint the wrongs in my life, can't find the solution to it.
I just so want to escape, and i've just been wasting time, getting wasted, indulging in food, wasting time entertaining people i dont like, putting up with nonsense i cant stand, idling my days away. I really despise myself.
Sorry everyone, i must be going through some bad phases. I hope i can get myself sorted out soon. Arghghghghghg. Pray for me people.