My own life- in my own control

You are what you are by what you believe

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  • Name: vina6183
  • City: Singapore
  • Region: Singapore
  • Country: Singapore

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My Weight Loss

Height: 170.0cm
Start weight: 84.50kg
Current weight: 78.20kg
Goal weight: 53.00kg
Lost to date: 6.30kg
Remaining: 25.20kg

My Calendar

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May '12
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Really Simple Syndication
05/14/2012 17:26

May 14 2012 -- The day of Bad news

  • Today has been the day of low morale, low self-eestem, escapisim and bad news. I don’t know what has come upon me these days, but I seem to have lived my life since Sept 2011, bumming around, living my life like a living dead. I did not feel any ounce in me to fight on, i feel my drive, my ambitions, my dreams have become nothing but a huge joke to me. From the day in May 2010 when I signed up for my masters in finance, it had already seemed to me that everything is becoming a big joke. I gave up my good stable engineering job, my stable income, my comfortable life, to take on the masters —- and in the midst of it all, becoming fat and unhealthy while working part time and studying… and all I have gotten back, was a fat unhealthy body, no job for the past 8 months and a disappearing self eestem. This was not what I envisioned… my masters is suppose to bring me a better career, a higher income and a better life! I am prepared to work my ass off my new job, prepared to give it my all, but why am I not given the chance?

    I looked at myself and the things I have been doing these days. Wake up, boil water, make breakfast, clean kitchen, surf net, read a few pages of a book, watch tv, lunch, wash clothes, dry clothes, dinner, wallowing in self pity, doing non-productive “easy” things, basically refusing to study, revise what I have learnt, refusing to exercise, refusing to send out any more resumes since only 1 or 2 replied for every 100 sent. I know I am slowly giving up hope on myself. Why? Why am I so weak?

    I keep telling myself that I am still young, I still have many things going for me… so why am I giving up on myself without a fight? I am such a loser. Why do I feel like I should be waiting for death, waiting for my retirement? There are so many things I have yet to do and accomplish! So why do i give myself the death sentence?

    God has been good to me… I have a loving husband, a very supportive family, good parents-in-law despite their flaws and some of my displeasures, good health, savings, a good car, a very good and beautiful apartment…. its not the end of the world… why am I living in regrets? Why am I still not satisfied? Why do I dwell on how much I have lost instead of the things I still have? Why do I dwell on my jealousy of the success of the others? Why did I fail to see what I am doing to myself? Why do I have to wait for everything to be perfect before feeling good?

    Well, its not today that I have this big realisation… I have been questioning myself for days, months…. but it is today that I have been told that they will be letting me go, from my part time job. So no more equities trading… I should have known. It wasn’t that I didn’t see it coming in this bad market—- I have seen it coming, I should have known and prepared myself for it…. but in my laziness and escapism from reality, I failed to prepare myself for it… so when the news came today, it still hit me hard in my stomach.

    No more income. Now, its not just me, myself and my self destruction. My income literally will stop from today onwards. No notice period, no arguments.

    Am I ready to pick up the pieces yet again?

    From:

    Living a life in decadence

                                                                                                                                               

    • Posted By: vina6183 Add Comment | Comments (0) Top
    12/05/2011 06:23

    Day 6: Weight: 83.2kg Loss of 0.9kg!

    Hi all, I am back! And this time, I really promise I will not stop blogging. So I have restarted again and today we are at Day 6! I restarted on 30th Nov 2011 at the weight of 84.1kg. Today (Monday) Week 1 weigh in at 83.2kg! I know today's weight has been alittle on the low side so I will expect a slight rise tomorrow.
     
    Anyway, I have been jogging, going to saunas and attended some fitness body jam lessons and I have been cooking more often now, hoping to spur my weighloss efforts before I start work again.
     

    Posted By: vina6183 Add Comment | Comments (0) Top
    11/03/2011 06:35

    Day 1 of Week 2 Thursday 1pm -- reflections

    So I jumped on the scales this morning to take a peek AND I GAINED! I gained back the lousy 1 kg that I lost last week! ARgggghhhhhhhhh I feel so discouraged and so frustrated. I have been exercising consistently to the point of exhaustion and I still gained?!??!?! WTH!
     
    Then, it occured to me that I had popeyes chicken and its delicious mashed potato for supper at 1am at the airport last night. I also had a chocolate of wealth cup of chocolate frappe at TCC at the airport last night. My husband and I decided to jump into the exam mode and study through the night and the 1 kg gain could be the result of it. So studies or weight gain? It seems its boiled down to these 2 choices.
     
    On our way back, my hubby told me about his new job, and how he felt coping with my not working. It has only been a month and a half since my last day at work, but he has already felt the strain despite him earning alot more. My heart was really pained watching him work so hard to give both of us a better life. I can feel his drive and determination and unlike me, who is forever looking for a job that I can feel passionate about, his attitude is a down to earth, have-to and therefore I do. I feel I have so much more to learn, so much to change.
     
    I have always excuses for myself. " I will nab the perfect job when I'm skinny""If only I didnt work, then I can fully concentrate on my studies and my weight" and now when I have really resigned, "I will look for my perfect job when I finish school" "If only I wasnt so fat and unattractive, I will have more opportunities". There is always an excuse for something. So now, Now is the time I have got to change.
     
    Before long, 27 Nov to be exact, in 24 days, I will be out of sch, out of job. Part of me is very fearful about what my future will hold and the other part of me is just so hopeful, because finally, all my attention will be on hunting for the perfect job and losing weight. So I took a deep look inside myself and I strongly believe a big downfall of mine is procascination. Everything I had to do, I procascinate- there is always something more fun and enjoyable to do than what is important. I tend to procascinate until its the dateline and then rush through it. Its not that I do not know how to prioritise. I do know what is important and what isnt. But its the fact that I have been too kind on myself, not forcing it down my throat early on, though I know it is something I will ultimately have to do anyway.
     
    Its like when I was working, all I could think about was my studies, and every single minute I had free, I will study. I would push away unimportant meetings, and just study. But when I have all the time in the world, I concentrated on working out 3 hours at the gym and then becoming so exhausted that I will sleep through the other half of the day, neglecting my studies. Argggghhhh. Anyway, there isnt much time left. 17 days to start of my last leg of the exams.
     
    I now hereby promise myself that I will change. Just bite the bullet and do it because we all have a choice. I chose to eat at 1 am and therefore I gained. I chose to resign. I chose to watch tv, instead of studying. Now, I just have to choose to make the right choices.
     
     
     

    Posted By: vina6183 Add Comment | Comments (0) Top
    11/02/2011 05:59

    Week 1 Day 7 Wednesday 2 Nov 2011 12.25pm

    Hi all, I was looking through all my previous posts and realised today marks the end of my first week of this weightloss journey. Time really passes by real fast! So this morning, I managed to include a 6km slow jog at my house gym. I was reluctuant to do it at first, especially since my body is still aching from yesterday's pilates and pilates ball classes. But after the jog, it really feels super refresh and good. Shiok!
     
    I have still yet to control my food intake. I have taken some steps to stop myself from over-eating but I still have not controlled it to within 1500cal. I think for now, I will just concentrate on adding exercise to my days and in Dec, then I will start to watch my food intake carefully as well as exercise. I will take it one step at a time. No rush because this will be a long but fun journey.
     
    My exams are starting soon from 20th to 26th Nov, so I have to think about how I can incorporate exercise into my hectic exam week. Hopefully I will not gain.
    Other than exams and exercise, life is still the same. I'm really quite enjoying myself not working, though I know this can't persist. Argghhh
     
    Alright, I got to go bathe, go to my mother-in-law's place then go to sch for project work.
    Cheers!
     

    Posted By: vina6183 Add Comment | Comments (0) Top
    10/31/2011 07:53

    Week 1 Day 5

    Week 1 Day 5
    31 Oct 2011
    83.6kg
    30.6kg to go
     
    Hihi everyone! Yes, I know today is not suppose to be weigh-in date and it hasn't even been a week yet, but I have decided to appoint Mondays as my weigh-in day. So from now on, I shall officially post my weight on Mondays.
    Today marks day 5 of my weight loss journey, and although I did not exercise as much as I would have liked, I had not eaten the amount I should and I didnt exercise daily as I promised, but I am proud to say I have lost 0.9kg for the week.
     
    I know that at the beginning, losing these kilos will be faster and 0.9kg loss for the 1st week is nothing too fantastic, but its still a big huge boost to my ego and determination.
     
    So this morning I woke up late and missed my zumba class.  But, I will go to the gym later after I blog to at least jog a 5km. I must keep up with my exercise and hopefully it will spur my weight loss and keep me motivated.
     
    Tonight we will be celebrating my dad's birthday and I have made a reservation at a Korean BBQ buffet. Yes, buffet is going to be real bad for my weight loss journey, but I promise I will eat till I am 80% full and not stuff myself to make my money worth. Later at the gym, I will try to blast off as many calories as possible to prepare for the ig feast.
     
    Yesterday night, I had a quarel with my hubby and I am proud to say, instead of going to my mom's place to avoid him, I went straight to the gym! Luckily I have a spare pair of tennis shoes in the car, so I drove directly to the gym and worked off the anger there. I walked for over an hour and covered 5km. Gym was not planned in my schedule since Sunday is family day, but still, it felt good. I felt I have evolved alittle and I am so proud of myself. At the back of my mind, I feel so tempted to keep my membership at the gym.... but, the cost of it will really put a strain on me. Also, I really dont know when I will be able to secure a new job and if the new job will give me the flexibility to still go to the gym. Oh well, I will think about it again nearer the expiration of the membership in Dec.
     
    Through the last week, I am unable to kick my habit of late night carbo snacks. Somehow, between 11pm -1am, just before bed, I have to eat some carbo before bed, like some cooked noodles, rice, or even biscuits. I also found that I have a tendacy to stuff myself real full before I fall asleep. I tried substituting with milk, yogurt, yakult, fruits, but it just doesnt work. I just must have carbo based food, like biscuits, rice, noodles, before I can sleep. I dont know when I started to cultivate this habit but it just wont go. And its not a biscuit or a small portion of food. It seems I must stuff myself with packets of it, till I am 110% full before I sleep. Arggghhh.
     
    Alright, thats all for today. Gotta go! Cheers!
     

    Posted By: vina6183 Add Comment | Comments (0) Top
    10/28/2011 09:39

    Week 1 Day 2 -- Joined a new class!

    Hihi, today I went to the gym in the morning at 10am and joined a new gym class. And I must say, its goood!! I have never enjoyed myself exercising before and the hour long class really made me perspire! Pity though that its only an hour! Its a combination of aerobics and dance moves and it was so fun even though I've also spent much time fumbling over the foot work. Overall
     
    So there was leftover pizza yesterday and I had a slice of the stuff crust pizza this morning. Its delicious!!! Food wise, I should start cutting back. Anyway, I jumped on my weighing scale today and sadly, its still at 84.5kg. No gains, no losses. Yup, I know its not so fast for results to show but still.
     
     
     

    Posted By: vina6183 Add Comment | Comments (0) Top
    10/27/2011 17:50

    Week 1 Day 1 Continuation

    Time really passes very fast today, but I am glad to say I did go to the gym today! Whoohooo! Before I resigned, I had signed myself up at a nearby gym that has loads of equipments, and yoga and all sorts of classes. But it had costed me a hand and a leg, now that I am not working, I have decided to cut out all unneccesary luxuries. I mean, I have a small gym in my apartment, and yes, although it only has a stationary bicycle and a treadmill, I think that should be sufficient for now.
     
    So I went to the gym today at 5pm and attended a Hot Yoga session. Its super tough and I could only follow it for half an hour (warmup) before they did the weird stances like placing your foot above behind your head. Anyway, I really felt like dying 30 mins into the session. Naturally, I am also the fattest and biggest in class and the class includes guys. Oh well, I'm just hoping that before long, I will be back to my old usual weight of 60kg before going down to 53kg! Yeah!
     
    After Hot yoga, I walked on the treadmill for 40mins at a pace of 5km/hr before doing a slow 5km jog at 6km/hr. It really feels good to be at the gym though, and I just feel I can go on and on walking and slow jogging because their treadmills are equipped with TVs! On each and every single treadmill!
     
    After all the walk and jog, I also went for a short sauna in their steam room. But it was too hot and I think I stayed only for 5 full mins. Anyway, all in all, I can say I do love that gym, its just the motivation to get there that is in the way of my fitness goals and the parking charges! Anyway, I asked for a termination today and to my surprise, the proceedure was only 5 mins, and none of the staff pestered me to stay, like most other services I know- so thats rather surprising. So, my last day of membership will be on 14 Dec 2011. So till then, I have better use the gym facilities to my heart's content.
     
    I will, I will, resume it once I get a job.
     
    So exercise today has been great! I deserve a big A for it!
     
    But!!!!! I had 3 slices of cheesy meltz pizzas for dinner at 11pm! I guess it wipes out all my exercise calories that I have burnt. Oh well, food is a F!
     
    So hows your day today?
     

    Posted By: vina6183 Add Comment | Comments (0) Top
    10/27/2011 08:02

    Week 1 Day 1 31.5kg to go

    Week 1 Day 1
    27 Oct 2011
    84.5kg
    31.5kg to go
     
    Hi all, yes, I'm restarting my weightloss efforts all over again. This time though, I will ensure that I continue to blog regardless of whether I overate or fallen off. I realised that I've been failing to lose weight all these while because I've been to obessed with being perfect. If I ate something forbidden, I would abandon and restart. This is not right! I've also been reading this novel "The amazing adventures of dietgirl." Its hilarious  and it has given me the courage to restart this journey.
     
    I was out shopping just the other day, and I realised I have gained so much weight that I am now officially a UK size 18. My goodness! Just a year ago, I was fluctuating between 12 and 14!!!!
     
    So I've decided I need to fight against the flab! My first step in my plan is to find a schedule that I can stick to. I realised I need to have a certain consistency, a fixed plan for me to stick to, so that exercise becomes robotic.
     
    You see, I've recently quit my job to study my masters degree full time and to concentrate on losing weight. I only have a month more to go with my studies before graduation and I've left my job about a month ago. BUT, despite the extra time that I now have, I have not been studying and neither have I been exercising nor started to look for a new job. Instead, I realised I have unknowingly become a couch potato, watching tv all day long. Argghhhh, where has all the enthusiasim of finally having time to look after myself properly gone? So now, I am a jobless, fat person who is probably going to fail my exams too, at the rate I am heading. I know also that at this rate I am cooping myself all day at home, that depression will soon get to me. In a way, I sort of regretted leaving my job. Well, at least if not, I will continue to have a good paycheck everymonth, and somehow, despite my complaints, I would have found time to study and pass my exams. Somehow, when you feel you have less time, time is then spent much more wisely. Argghhhhhh. So all these need to be changed, before my self -eesteems follows down the drain.
     
    So yes, I have listed the things I must do before 15 Dec 2011.
    1) Exercise and lose weight
    2) Do up and send out my resumes
    3) Study hard at this final leg
    4) Get the bloomberg certificate
    5) Read widely to keep abreast of the current financial situation
     
    Next up, I will come up with a timetable and not just do things based on my mood for the day- somehow, I feel if I am told what to do and when to do it, I will be less likely to stray and give myself excuses. Its just like meetings at work, you just dont give excuses to skip it.
     
    I will go for a slow jog on alternative days (Mon, Wed, Fri, Sun). Once I can manage to jog at 8km/hr then I will call my friend florence.
    Oh yes, another thing I have noticed since my massive weight gain is that my thighs have started to rub against each other when I go for my jogs. There's this abrasion and it hurts so much when I jog. Is there any way to stop it? My knees have also started to hurt with my excess weight.
     
    Alright, off to a new start!

    Posted By: vina6183 Add Comment | Comments (0) Top
    07/25/2011 11:22

    Day 15--- After Lasik Surgery

    Hi all, yes I have been missing for a few days. I went and di my eyes!!! Lasik Surgery to be exact on Fri 22 July. Before that, I was so busy clearing my work stuff and all.
     
    So my vision is much better now. No need for contact lens and no need for glasses! Hurray! Vision is clear though eyes tend to  be a little dry. Vision though can be better but the doc says it takes about a week for recovery. I am given MC but nevertheless I'll still be going for my night classes starting today! Not too excited to be back at school again, but I keep telling myself its only 4 more months, 6 more subjects and papers and I will be officially having a MAsters degree! YEah!!!
     
    Really wonder about tonight's prof... its the last lap now, wondering if he will make graduation difficult. Also wonder how my eyes will perform tonight. For the past few days, my vision at night has been quite bad- seeing double for things at a distance. Today is 3rd day after surgery, hopefully I can at least see the slides the prof will flash later on.
     
    So I am alone in the car now, waiting for my husband to collect his things from his office, when I thought of blogging.
     
    Diet wise, I have discontinued the herbal aloe vera for a while because I am unsure of any side effects on my surgery. I know there shouldnt be but I'm not taking any chances. Realised though that my bowel movements are not as smooth and not as many as when I was on the drink. I guess it really does help detox.
     

    Posted By: vina6183 Add Comment | Comments (1) Top
    07/19/2011 17:42

    Day 9: Overate again! In celebration

    Hi all, yesterday weigh in has been great! 185.5lbs and I woke up with 184.0lbs. Started off good. I finally woke up early-I literally forced myself out of bed and managed to cover lots of office work in the morning before heading out for meetings.
     
    Still haven't had the mood to look at my school stuff though... went to the dental after my meetings and yeah! My teeth is in good condition. Just scaling and polishing, no cavaties! But I really miss the fillings. I had them once and I really enjoyed that feeling of drilling into your nerves. It makes me feel really good and I love going to dental especially for the fillings. The drilling always sends a chill down my spine and a little pain which I really love. Weird huh, but I have never had it since. ='( which I know should be good news.
     
    So after the dental treatment, guess what?!? My husband was in a good mood I guess, and we went to have Swensons again for dinner!!!! Hahahah, I had my mega beef burger which is really huge! It has like 5 slices of ham, a very thick beef patty, some bacon, some turkey slices, vege, lots of mayo and an egg and melted cheese. Not to mention, its served with US fries and coleslaw. Its heavenly I must tell you, the whole sandwich just seems to melt in your mouth. Hmmm Yum yum yummy!
    I especially love the US fries. It comes with tartar sauce which is my all-time favourite and bbq sauce!
     
    And on top of that sinful meal, we had each a whole tower of ice cream, with bananas, almond nuts, chocoloate and strawberry fudge and sticky chewy chocolate and mango!!! Yum yum yummy!!! Each a glass! Its really fantastic!!!
     
    But, which means my calories went haywire again. I bet its almost 6000cal for today because I also had the mac cafe original cheesecake. Hmmmm Yum. If I've known dinner was going to be so fabulous, I wouldn't have had the cheesecake. But oh well....
     
    So, its no exercise and lots of food for me today. =( But the dinner was really satisfying. My mouth is watering again just thinking about what I had! And you know whats the best part? Savouring every single bite of the lovely dinner with my husband. Quality time!
     
    How to be slim like that?!?! So I received a sms from my cousin telling me I've gained loads of weight. He has seen me last few weeks during my family gathering. I was alittle sad at first but quickly got over it. I'm sure by christmas I will be at least in the 160s. I MUST!
     
    I have sinced toyed with the idea of buying the herbal life meal replacement drink to keep my calories in check, but really, for 200cal, I still think I rather be eating 20 fishballs (each fishball is 10cal). So I am seriously giving it some good thoughts. Any advise on the meal replacement? I am sure it works, I am just worried about my determination to finish it AND not continue to eat other food.
     
    Yesterday I went back for my project meeting for school, and I dont know if its me or what, but somehow, even after dinner, I just felt like munching and munching, so much so that even after dinner, and when I reach home, I still share some supper with my husband. Whats wrong with me? When I'm just working, I can control myself, but with school being in the equation, I just get thrown off real bad. I mean, I think its a habit or something, seems to be that the moment I get out of school and reach home, the first thing that comes to mind is what food should I buy, what should I cook when I reach home. This really must change!
     
    Ok summary for Day 9:
    Poop: Once
    Exercise: Nil 0/7
    Food: 6000cal
    Water: >2 litres (I'm loving it day by day and it becomes easier somehow)
    Weight: 187lbs!!!!(WTH can I actually gain SO MUCH over a meal?!?!?!?) Goodness. I'm so so dead, all my previous efforts swept clean.
    Detox day for tomorrow.
    I think I must have fishballs everyday as one of my main meals. OMG!!! 187!!! *faints*
     

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