Another food diary

Looks like I am going to struggle to write anything longer today - I have been mighty busy!

So here is food anyway...

breakfast - multigrain seeded bagel, light cream cheese, orange juice

lunch - wholewheat pasta, tomatoes, onion, light cream cheese, raw spinach

snack - cashews

dinner - tacos with refried bean chilli, cheese, raw spinach and tomato

drinks - water

took all vitamin pills!

total calories: 2000

Activity - whew! 1.5 hours gardening, 1 hour cleaning the car, 1.5 hours housework. That should excuse my lack of a 'real' workout!

Lots of love Rach xxx

quick food diary

Quick food diary from yesterday! Sorry, I will be back with a proper post later but v busy.

Yesterday wasn't so great...

Breakfast: pancakes and sugar free syrup, orange juice

Lunch: leftover lentil bolognese, brown pasta, cheese, raw spinach

Snacks: 2 big pieces of cheese, tomato, 2 eggs with mayo!

Dinner: red bell pepper stuffed with brown rice, quorn and veg, topped with cheese, with raw spinach

Drinks: water, tiny bit caffeine free diet coke

Total calories: 2200 (still below maintenance though, I suppose).

Exercise: played on Wii (lol I don't think that counts), couple of miles walked round an historic garden

General activity: reasonable, went shopping and carried a load of bricks we bought for our garden

I really hate to think how much saturated fat I ate yesterday. I had about 4oz of cheese in all. I love cheese and constantly struggle with cutting back on it!

Rach xxx

Boring stuff:

food diary time again methinks....

Food: multigrain bagel, light cream cheese, orange juice

brown pitta, eggs, light mayo

brown pitta, tomatoes, light mayo

half banana

lentil 'bolognese', brown pasta, cheese, raw spinach

total cals: 2000

exercise: 1h running/walking, toning and stretches.

Rach xxx

What I Have Learned This Week ; )

With this title, I sound like a grade schooler writing a report .

 This could be a boring blog because I am really just using it to formulate my own thoughts. It is going to come in several parts over the next few days, because it is just too long for one blog post (even one of my blog posts).

Sooo...several people have written comments to me this week saying they are amazed I lost weight while away for 10 days for the wedding I went to. Some said that could be a reason for a major gain - and I agreed with them. That got me thinking about how, in fact, I managed to do it.

The first, most obvious answer was that the wedding was towards the end of those ten days. There is nothing like knowing if you overeat, you will look (even more) terrible in a dress to motivate you, especially when the humiliating experience won't be in a few months, but in a couple of days.

But I realised potential embarrassment has been a factor in my weight loss attempts in the past, and I have still overeaten and continued to gain weight right up until whatever the event was. So there must be something else that made this time different.

The first answer is that I am getting better at this. I know I can do it, and I have been practising some of the tools and habits for doing it.

Secondly, my attitude to myself and my lifestyle has changed. When I look back at how I felt about food and how I behaved with it 10 months ago, it is like observing a different person. The main change has been my working on my emotional overeating - trying to change my diet at all without this would have been like trying to ice a cake without actually baking it first. Messy and ultimately pointless.

But beyond this, my general attitude to lifestyle has changed in so many ways, so I am just going to look at the shifts I noticed while I was away.

1. I really enjoyed myself socially. I was busy (sometimes too busy) and I felt entertained. This meant my primary focus wasn't food. I didn't think about every mealtime in advance - sometimes I forgot about mealtimes. It was hard to obtain food at various points and I chose to prioritise other activites - this would never happen at home. I didn't use food to fight boredom. I didn't think so hard about whether or not I 'could do this' that I ate to comfort myself.

2. I didn't allow other people to influence my choices about diet. My best friend's wedding was coming up, so I was constantly in social situations with a 'party' atmosphere about them - where people were making food and drink choices that were more unhealthy than was usual for them. I was staying with two girls, one of whom is slim but eats extremely unhealthily and the other of whom has an extremely 'messed up' attitude to food. To add to that, my main meals were being provided for me.

I could have just 'rolled with it' and eaten what my friends ate - accepted the fantasy that this was something 'I couldn't help' and joined in with the other girls' justifications: 'We are all doing it, so that's OK.' or 'so-and-so is eating it, and she is slim, so it must be OK.'

In the past, there were many situations when I overate because I felt 'I had to'. But in reality, when I look back, I cannot think of a single time in my adult life where I have actually 'had to' eat anything. Sure, some day it might come up. But in my experience thus far there has not been one situation where I could not have come up with a perfectly acceptable alternative solution. The primary reason I couldn't see those solutions at the time? I didn't want to.

During my time away, I recognised that I had a choice over what I put into my mouth. So what choice would I make?

I knew overeating would make me miserable. However, I decided that keeping up the same very healthy habits I have at home would not be worth the effort and sacrifices. So I chose to stick to my calories as best I could, and get in as much nutritious stuff as I could reasonably manage. When I was served up a 'feast', I ate as much as I wanted and then explained I was full. I turned down dessert or, if it was homemade, accepted a small piece.

I avoided most of the snacks and nibbles that were constantly around the place, because that was not going to cause offence. When we bought lunch from a sandwich shop, I chose a healthy option rather than the baguette I really fancied.

If it had come to a choice between serious overeating (ie more than a couple of hundred calories) and causing offence, I would have turned down the food as politely as possible. Maybe on some occasions, I would eat it, but two days before a wedding where the dress didn't do up? No way.

I want to go off the rails plenty of times, without doing it for food I don't even want. 'I am not hungry' should always be an excuse that is understood.

But luckily, with careful eating when I did have an easier choice, it didn't come to causing offence. And it should rarely have to. No one should think you are rude for eating just a regular sized plateful of food.

3. I was extremely active. When at home, I do about 2.5-4.5 hours of aerobics/Pilates/weights etc per week, depending on how 'good' I am feeling, and about one hour of housework each day, plus maybe a walk at the weekend. With all the workouts, it is easy to con myself that I am being healthy.

But I work from home, at a desk job, in a rural area (no walking from place to place), with very little social life. Which means my lifestyle, except for the dedicated workouts, is almost completely sedentary.

During my time away, I only did one dedicated workout like the ones I do at home. But I did hours and hours of physical activity.

I did eat slightly more than usual - but I must have been burning hundreds and hundreds of extra calories each day. Taking the train back and forth across the country, carrying a heavy backpack, running around to appointments, playing with children, long shopping sessions, country walks, trekking with a llama, arranging tables, putting up decorations, walking to friends' houses (and to the pub) and much more.

The whole week was so reminiscent of my life as a student. This was what my life was like before I moved to Cornwall - and started to gain weight. So I wonder how much of my weight gain came from extra calories eaten, and how much from changing my activity levels?

So from now on I am going to try to include much more physical activity in my day to day life. This is going to be hard, because it will be about deliberately incorporating more activity, not just doing it naturally. But I am determined it can be done!

Right, that is enough for me today...and I am assuming it is enough for you too!

I will be back with more tomorrow if you can stand it.

Loads of love Rach xxx

Some days just don't go according to plan.

Well, the title says it all really.

I woke up at 6.30 this morning, popped downstairs to put the finishing touches to OH's packed lunch, then wandered back into the bedroom to perform the simple task of throwing on some tatty clothes to do the housework.

The clothes were in the closet, so I am not entirely sure how I managed to end up back in the bed...and waking up for the second time at 11.15 am!

So my morning has not got off to a good start and I am not in the best of moods for facing the rest of the day. That is the trouble with being a perfectionist, I now think, 'well what is the point doing anything at all with today?', which is, of course, ridiculous.

Last night was strange...I was making gravy and I managed to spill an entire measuring jug of freshly boiled water over my hand. I got it under the cold tap pronto and left it under for 10 minutes, but a while into it I noticed it really didn't feel hot to the touch and it didn't really hurt at all. I would have expected blisters, as the water really had just come out of the kettle.

It started to throb a little later, and this morning it is red, but there is very little pain.

So I am extremely thankful for that! Not least because I got to eat a roast chicken dinner and watch a movie instead of going to the hospital and waiting for five hours.

The chicken dinner was wonderful and only the start of a week of delicious food, now we have been shopping. OH and I are so grateful to have good food in the house.

For me, it ends 10 days of being at the culinary mercy of my best friend (while I have moved on from our college habit of chocolate for breakfast, she has not), and for my hubby, it ends 10 days of having to fend for himself.

Ok, so I didn't really leave him to fend entirely for himself, because if I had he would have eaten only chips and tuna for two weeks. In fact, like the Stepford Wife I am (*snorts*), I cooked him loads of meals in advance and froze them. With a list of what went with what on the fridge door (OK, OK, so that was going a little far. As was weighing out his portions of oatmeal, but that is another story).

Anyway, at one point I had about four dinners cooking at once, it was like a Pillsbury cook-off. Only a really cr@ppy Pillsbury cook-off where the main ingredients are lentils and veg, instead of chocolate chips and caramel.

Still, OH seemed grateful.

For me, having a fully stocked fridge again also symbolises being Back Home. After a hectic time away, I can get back to my old routines, of housework, eating, exercising and...oh...work.

Darn it. Better go get started then.

Lots of love, Rach xxx

Food for thought

Well, I can now see the end of this journey in sight. And it has given me something to think about...

The reason I have had this long-term success with my weight loss is that my attitude to lifestyle has completely changed. Yes, there is still a long way to go, but really my entire 'relationship' with food has been transformed.

It is now necessary to put '...' round 'relationship'. I used to have a 'relationship' with food. Now, I don't really. Except on very rare occasions, for the first time in 27 years, food is just food. It is fuel, and it tastes lovely, but that is it, for the most part.

And a week staying with other females my own age has taught me my habits and beliefs about myself and about food are now much more healthy than those of many other women - even the slim ones.

And yet - I am Still Fat. When people look at me, they still see a fat girl. And not just slightly chubby, but seriously overweight. With 40 pounds lost, I am still around the 'start weight' of many of the 'real life successes' in weight loss magazines.

Personally, I feel like a huge success. But I imagine others view me as unattractive, lacking self-control, someone who 'would be pretty if only she lost a bit of weight'. Someone to be judged - to be pitied or patronised, depending on the individual doing the judging. Someone whose opinions on health and weight issues are not worth soliciting.

Ok, realistically, I know I am projecting my own feelings about my weight onto others. Most people probably don't think that at all. However, with the way weight issues are viewed in our society, some probably do.

So what do I do? Do I apologise for myself every time I meet someone new, or want to take part in a simple discussion about nutrition or exercise? Do I say 'well, actually, I have lost 40 pounds - and I know I still have a long way to go, but...'

No, of course I don't. Because that would look pathetic. And also, more importantly, I am ashamed. I do not want anyone to know that once, I was even bigger than I am now. I want to brush the whole thing under the carpet. Take the photos off Facebook, get one of those fancy Men In Black memory wiper thingummywotsits and use it on all my friends...in short, pretend I was never fat.

Because, to me, fat = weak. Fat = pathetic. Fat = out of control.

And I don't want people to think I am any of those things. I want people to think I am successful in everything I do, that I would never have the kind of problems that, well, just aren't acceptable.

And this pride is a bad thing. Because I was overweight. It is a part of my life. And I should not be ashamed of it.

Like many other people, I like to hope my life could, one day, be perfect. And goodness knows, I don't want other people to think it isn't perfect already. I constantly compare myself with others, and feel I come up short. I believe I should have the smooth, easy and successful progress through life I see my friends having - the top degree, the high-powered job, the staggering general knowledge...and the slim, healthy body. The reason I don't? I am simply Not Good Enough.

And yet, life isn't perfect. Not for anyone.

When I go to weddings, read about my classmates in the alumni newspaper, even chat to my friends, I am getting the edited version of their lives. The successes highlighted, the less proud parts cut out.

I know this because everyone has problems. And because when I go to a wedding, and recite my potted history of the last five years, I also do a fair bit of creative cutting and pasting.

My friends probably even think my life is more 'perfect' than theirs.

Or they would...if I could just hide the fat.

But that's OK. I have sorted out my eating problems, and I doubt I will ever regain a significant amount of weight without taking action.

So soon, when the excess weight is (finally) gone, I will be able to pretend it never happened in the first place.

Phew.

But actually, that would be a real shame.

Because it would just help perpetuate the myth that life can be perfect. That some people are better than others. That those who don't succeed in everything they do are simply Not Good Enough.

And I don't really think that is true. I may judge myself harshly, but I don't believe anyone else with a weight problem is pathetic.

And more than that, I think I have a lot to offer to people who are still struggling to find some peace around food. I have learned so much over the past ten months. It has changed who I am and it means I have some great advice to give.

If I sweep away all my experiences as 'a fat girl', if I pretend it all never happened, I can never do that.

And if I am not willing to be open with others, I will never get the chance to challenge some of society's beliefs about why people become overweight.

So I owe it to myself - and to others with weight problems - to be brave about this. To be prepared to talk about myself and my problems not with apologies, not with shame, but with directness and honesty.

I owe it to myself to see my weight gain as just another of life's problems, not something to be ashamed of.

I owe it to myself to be proud of what I have achieved.

And so I owe it to myself - and everyone else I know who is struggling with weight - not to pretend all this never happened.

Rach xxx

Ugh

Today I feel horrible, I am not sure exactly why, just a combination of things, not least being back at work after 10 days off.

Luckily I don't feel like eating, the urge to eat emotionally is very low at the moment, for reasons I shall go into another time when I have more energy!

Also, we have very little food in the house, something that isn't realistically going to change until tomorrow night when we get the chance to go food shopping.

Last night we went out for my birthday meal, I had potted crab, steak and fries and treacle tart, very delicious but I couldn't eat like that every day (even though I used to eat way more than that in a standard evening a year ago). I definitely wouldn't eat three courses again, I haven't done that in more than a year and it was just too much. Two courses still feels like an amazing treat.

I shall now have four days of lovely healthy eating which I am sure will more than compensate in terms of weight and feeling well before my weigh in on Saturday. My aim for this week is very realistic anyway, so four days of 1900 calories, cutting back on junk and slotting in a few workouts should make it more than manageable.

I had some gorgeous birthday gifts - a ginormous bouquet of pink lilies and various other flowers, 2 big boxes of sugar free chocolates, kerastase hair stuff, Space NK bath stuff AND a cheque from my mum for clothes.

So I felt very spoiled.

Ok, sorry this is so nothingy again. When I am low, I just don't feel like writing much.

See you all soon and lots of love Rach xxx

(edited: whoops it is April 1! Quick roundup time...well after losing nothing between the start of Dec and the end of Feb, I got my head back in the right place and lost 5.25lb in March, I will post more about it tomorrow!)

Update

Hello all  . I hope you are all doing well.

I missed this place so was so happy to see all your comments when I got back. I shall be replying and catching up on your blogs through the day, no doubt.

Sooo...after 10 hectic days away, I don't really know where to begin!

Firstly, I am not pregnant. Psychic woman either got it wrong, or was lying to cover up making a mistake when she saw my tummy, or maybe it was meant to teach me a lesson! I don't know. When I found out, I was gutted, but there are definite bright sides to it, so I am not worrying too much now. I really want to take a break from the whole thing.

I went away for my friend's wedding, at which I was bridesmaid. The dress did up! It didn't fit right at the top (I had to tape it to my chest and it looked pretty bad!) but that was nothing to do with me, it was poor dressmaking.

I have put the pics in my photo gallery.

Over my time away I lost 0.75lb, which was amazing as I had very little control over food choices, and drank about 100 gallons of alcohol (well, it felt like it).

I am off out for a meal tonight as today is my 27th birthday, but I am going to pick a healthy choice - despite the dress fitting, seeing the pictures from the wedding has made me feel awfully blimp-like so I want to keep making progress.

My next weigh in will be this Saturday, and my aim is to have lost one pound to take me to 11 stone 13.75lb (167.5lb).

Ok, I am pretty tired and I can't face writing any more right now, so I shall sign off here until tomorrow.

Loads of love Rach xxx

Away

Well, friends, the time has come...

....I am leaving you. For a whole 10 days .

Dry your eyes and at least attempt to have an OK time without me .

Seriously, have a wonderful Easter and...week after Easter.

Lots of love, best wishes and blessings,

Rach xxxx

Holidays don't have to be horrible.

So...the sun is shining, the chicks are cheeping, the new green leaves are on the trees (err...apologies if you are in the middle of a snowstorm).

Whatever the weather, it is time to be happy, because we have a Holiday coming up (err...apologies to anyone who is working through it).

But for those of you who are looking forward to the weekend ...STOP. IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, STOP RIGHT NOW! Because, fellow EPers, for us Easter isn't really about relaxing or, heaven forbid, having fun. Whatever gave you that idea?

No, for people who are losing weight, Easter is about developing and following a Tailored Lifestyle Strategy .

Those of you who read this blog regularly will know I am very big on having a strategy for anything that might involve extra food, especially, heaven forbid, C.H.O.C.O.L.A.T.E.

And hot cross buns. And cake. And those yummy Peep things you have over there.

Ahem....I am getting sidetracked here.

My thinking is, if you have a plan for how you will eat and exercise on these occasions, you will come out of them healthier and happier. You might not stick to your plan 100 per cent - in fact you probably won't - but you will do a lot better than if you just try to wing it.

Formulating a holiday strategy involves a certain amount of self-knowledge. You have to think about what you want from your Easter. And you need to question how much you can realistically expect from yourself, depending on the stage you are at with working on your lifestyle and eating issues.

Last year I was just starting out with my weight loss journey. My love for chocolate knew no bounds...in fact I was totally addicted to sugar...but it was making me profoundly miserable. I decided to do without Easter sweets altogether - I knew myself well enough to realise I couldn't have just one bit of chocolate, that it would in fact lead to a week-long binge, fuelled by self-hatred (high-octane stuff, that is).

This was the right decision for me at the time. I am glad I made it. This year, however, things are much brighter. So my strategy is different. This year I am going to adopt the Naturally Slim Person's approach to Easter.

Now the concept of this Naturally Slim Person (NSP, or should that be LNSB - Lucky Naturally Slim B****) plays a leading role when I am planning lifestyle strategies. I am not altogether convinced the NSP is not as mythical a creature as the Easter Bunny. Even if it does exist, the characteristics of the NSP are hotly debated. Perhaps because, these days, you are lucky even to spot one.

At any rate, in my mind, most NSPs are slim not because they have 'a higher metabolism' or are 'less hungry' or 'luckier' (than me), but because, either through upbringing or through learning, they have a balanced approach - they do eat treats (often more so than dieters), but they are small, or rare (the clue is in the word 'treat') or the NSP compensates for them somewhere else - rather than feeling so guilty they binge.

The NSP is the type of person who does overeat at Easter - and doesn't think anything of it. Because they know that one large chocolate egg, even if it is consumed within two hours, is not going to make the slightest bit of difference to their weight over the year as a whole.

NSPs do not decide in February they aren't going to have any chocolate at all at Easter, then buy their kids' eggs, hide them in the closet, then end up sitting, in their pyjamas, half in the closet, scoffing all the eggs down without really tasting them, because they need to finish before their husband walks in.

Now I know from bitter experience chocolate stains can be a b****  to remove from nightwear, so this year I am going for the NSP approach. I am going to eat some chocolate on Easter Sunday. Not a lot, and it will be sugar free because I don't like what sugar does to my mood and hunger levels. But I will enjoy it.

And it isn't about bingeing, this year. It is about taking part in an activity that helps me embrace and enjoy the fleeting season. It is about truly savouring that tiny bite of good-quality chocolate, the taste of which will immediately open to me the memories of all the Easters and springtimes I have ever experienced. The chocolate will be a small part of a day which, in fact, is not actually about food. For me, it is about Christ, and about the beauty of spring and the bubbling joy I always experience when it comes.

Last year's chocolate-free Easter taught me I don't need to overeat to have a wonderful day. And really, if I did gorge on candy, would I even be tasting it by the end? If I felt bloated and numbed from bingeing, would I be able to get out and enjoy the (hopefully) springlike weather, and burn a few calories at the same time? Would I be able to focus on my church service, enjoy the companionship of my family? (And the really big question - would I be able to fit into my bridesmaid's dress the following weekend?)

If I overate, even though I wouldn't need an Easter strategy, it wouldn't be fun. I would be dreading it. And then I would be miserable till May. So perversely, for me, making a plan and restricting my treats is actually about freedom.

I have my new attitude. I have my strategy. And I have high hopes I might, in time, fledge into a true NSP. So at least there will be one more still out there.

Not to mention, that dress has got to zip up.

Have a very happy and healthy Easter, everyone.

Rach xxx