I keep losing posts!

AND IT IS DRIVING ME MAD!

What's happening guys? I don't want to bother writing another one!

Hope you are all OK though

Rach xxx

food and exercise for today

Breakfast: multigrain bagel, scrambled egg, orange juice

Lunch: brown pitta, chicken, salad, light mayo

Dinner: veg curry, brown rice

Snacks: smoothie, apple with peanut butter

Drinks: water

total calories: 2000

exercise: 1 hour aerobics and toning

Rach xxx

What happened to my post?

I seem to have lost a post! Has this happened to anyone else or have I done something stupid? I wouldn't put it past myself .

Anyway...after a great couple of days, I have had a bad couple. I am really really low with this at the moment...because I was not seeing it as a long term thing, but as a need to get weight off quickly.

I don't feel that confident at the moment. I am just trying my new plan - instead of what I have done so far, throughout, which was 2000 cals and then I would end up massively overeating every 3 weeks or so...I am now doing 2000 cals 6 days a week, and 2400 the other day. 2400 is about what my maintenance level would be at the moment without exercise, so that is where I got the number from.

My OH is training as a personal trainer and he came up with this plan to curtail the last remaining elements of my binge eating disorder.

Of course, I am feeling I want to eat less still...I am not going to, for now, unless it is by accident!

So, today...

breakfast: none (felt ill)

lunch: pizza hut

snack: muesli with plain low fat yogurt

dinner: quorn lasagne and salad, orange juice

drinks: water, caffeine free diet coke

total calories: 2000

took all supplements (this makes me sound like I scoff loads! I don't, I have a multivitamin/mineral, a fish oil and an evening primrose oil.

For anyone with severe premenstrual symptoms - I am 90 per cent sure I can attribute a great improvement in mine to the evening primrose oil.

Exercise - does shopping count?

All in all, not the world's best day...but it was on track and didn't involve succumbing to comfort eating, so what more am I going to ask for today? Nothing!

Rach xxx

Food and exercise plan for today

I am eating out at lunch, so need to plan carefully!

Breakfast: low fat plain yogurt, oats, dried apricots, orange juice - 350 cals

Lunch: jacket potato, baked beans, cheese, salad - max of 750 cals (you fellow Brits know how much cheese they put on those things at the pub! And I am not in the mood to avoid it!)

Dinner: chickpea burger, brown roll, sweet potato 'chips', mayo, salad - 650 cals

Snack: soya and berry smoothie - 150 cals

Total calories: 1900

Drinks: water

take all supplements!

Exercise: 30 minutes aerobics, 10 minutes toning

I am looking forward to all my meals...so hope to be able to report back positively. If the potato, when I see it, is less than 750 cals, I shall save the remainder.

I have a couple of new pics posted from just before Christmas...I have lost another couple of pounds since then but it is an improvement! I chose what I felt were honest pictures, not the most slimming but not the worst!

Rach xxx

Well finally some success!

The secret to succeeding...make your initial goals smaller!

I shaved off 100 calories with very little difficulty - 1900 isn't so much different from 2000. You can trick yourself nothing has changed!

I am going to have the same target tomorrow. I will be eating out at lunch, but have already submitted my menu choice and it shouldn't be a problem.

Made a delicious spiced lentil dish tonight from a new cookbook I got in the US, it went down v well with my husband.

I did half an hour of aerobics, not as much as I intended, but I started to feel kind of sick while exercising..think I might have had a slight fever.

Anyway, lots of love to you all, and see you tomorrow.

God Bless,

Rach xxx

Beauty

Well, I have been feeling down today about my appearance.

I know the way I am feeling is silly...so I am going to let it out on here and then leave it be...it isn't important or shouldn't be.

Well, when I was younger, I was quite a good looking girl. I was sometimes thin, sometimes overweight, but I knew all I had to do to look great, was lose weight and tone up.

Now...well, I know if I lose weight, I won't have the face or body I did before. I have sun damage on my face, and my breasts have lost tone and shape and sag a lot.

I still plan to make the most of myself.

But now something else has entered the equation. Until a couple of years ago, that was pretty much all I worried about. Now, things are changing. I feel like to stay 'in the game' as it were...I would need to start moving into the realm of cosmetic procedures. I would like my teeth straightened and veneered, I would like laser treatment for my skin, as well as skin peels, and I would like a breast uplift. I would also like to pay for a stylist and expensive hair and beauty treatments - because I feel I lack the ability to make the most of myself.

Some of my friends seem to be doing these things now as a matter of course.

Now, for me this isn't going to happen. It is firmly in dreamland. I don't have the strong desire to save up the money, and it also makes me uncomfortable.

So how do I fit in? I am ashamed that I have realised that when I was 20-23, so much of my idea of who I was came from the fact that, if I walked into a bar, people turned to look at me. It made nights out exciting, and it made me (someone with low self-esteem to begin with) feel happy and good about myself.

Now that isn't me...so who am I? I need to find a whole new sense of self-worth that has nothing to do with physical appearance, as well as attempt to feel less 'inferior' when I spend time with someone beautiful - especially as I know from past experience, that person is probably no different from me inside. I need to stop feeling worried for my husband, every time we watch a movie or tv show with attractive women in. 

Anyway...that is that! I would love to hear from someone who found themself in a similar situation. How did you deal with it? Did you feel better?

See you later with food/exercise.

Rach xxx 

Wow that was difficult!

My body decided I was starving it on 1400 calories! Bless it! I made the mistake of not checking back where I would have seen all your messages of support...and I didn't do it.

I ate 1750...and I was quite proud. Then, for no real reason except that it is my habit, I took it up to 2000.

Also, the stress of the idea of cutting back has been intense. I haven't dealt with it well - and have made some pretty unhealthy choices. Not really bad - only things like lo-salt, caffeine free coke, shop bought tomato and cheese pasta sauce. I would have laughed a year ago if you told me I would  be beating myself up over that though.

I am still losing weight, so that isn't the issue I suppose. But I wanted to do it. It is second nature to me now to have 2000 calories, I have had that practically every day for 7 months. So having less is taking me right out of my comfort zone, and I don't like going out of my comfort zone! It is one of my major problems in life!

So...I have a new plan. I am going to cut back gradually -starting with 1900 calories today instead of 2000. Now, I know I can do that - however tough it feels, it won't be about hunger but about what feels 'normal' and 'natural'.

Thanks for all your support...honestly I feel like I have let you guys down! Which I know is ridiculous!

So...I plan to report back later with my 1900.

Rach xxx

1400 calories!

Well, here goes...here is the plan for today.

Breakfast: oatmeal, orange juice: 274

Lunch: brown pitta, houmous, tomato: 330

Dinner: salmon and veg with brown rice: 500

Snacks: smoothie, cottage cheese, tomato with vinegar: 280

Total cals: 1384

Drinks: water, caffeine free diet coke

Exercise: none

(edited: grr I opened my houmous and it was mouldy! I am determined to stick to my calories though...will post what I actually ate later!)

Right, here goes! I am going to spread out the food as much as possible in the hope it will help me feel more full.

Wish me luck guys!

1400 calories aside...I feel more in control of my food than I ever have. It started last night when I was talking to my husband about planned days when you eat more - I need these as my BMR is pretty high, I am lucky, and I want to keep it that way. Well, normally that function has been covered by the odd weekend off...but I have gone a bit overboard. OH was then saying I could plan higher calorie days but have a set limit.

And this all got me thinking...I am actually quite confident I can stop binge eating for good now. Or if it did happen, it would be a very rare event and getting rarer. I feel in control!

Rach xxx 

Well I spoke to my friend!

Writing the below post made me think 'wow this needs sorting'. I spoke to my friend and made it clear I didn't think the dress would fit.

She said she didn't care! That the dresses were only £30 and she knew her sister's one didn't fit. That we would see the tailor with them and if something could be done, great, but if not then we would get some other ones.

So relieved! I didn't want to get into a fight with my friend over something even I couldn't defend because I did it when I was very ill emotionally.

Well...I still plan to try the 1400 calories - I have almost 3 weeks until the fitting date that has been arranged, so I could get plenty off by then. If we can make this work, I want to.

Then after the fitting I can rethink my plans. Even I can do this for less than 3 weeks and it shoudn't do my metabolism too much harm!

Thankyou to all the ladies who wrote such helpful responses. I really appreciate it and will come onto all your blogs later (when OH doesn't want the computer!) and thank you individually.

And yes I do know it was a stupid thing to do. And I wish I had been more honest with my friend that it was deliberate. Hmmm....more self-improvement needed.

Rach xxx 

Big decision

Well...I have made a big decision.

It is not a decision I am pleased to make. I wish I had not put myself in the situation. However, I feel it is the right decision to make at this juncture.

For those of you who don't know the background (there are a lot of new people), I am being a bridesmaid at the very end of March.

When my friend, the bride, ordered the dresses, we had to give measurements, but we didn't go to a store as she got the dresses in China.

Well, I weighed 210 lb at that point - this was probably last April. And I gave her my slim measurements - or worse, what I guesstimated were my slim measurements.

Like 135lb slim. Yes, that IS 75 pounds lighter!

I was so sure I would lose the weight...but more than that, I couldn't think I could POSSIBLY be in a wedding if I didn't.

Well, it was a stupid, stupid thing to do. I was in a dark, dark place with weight at that point - I wouldn't do it over.

Well...of course I haven't lost the weight. I have lost 40 pounds of it, but not the rest.

I am losing pretty fast and I can lose a good chunk of the rest of it, before the wedding.

My friend doesn't know, and I have to go and try on the dress in a couple of weeks.

It is fitted under the bust, and then flares right out, and it could possibly be let out some. When she bought the dress, I warned her I was hoping to become pregnant - she told me she didn't think pregnancy would cause any problem with the dress. So that gives me some hope.

The measurements I gave her were 36 - 29 - 37 I think, and my current measurements are 39-33-39. So you see we have a major problem here.

To make matters worse, I lied about things to her...I told her not that I had given her the wrong measurements, but that I had gained weight SINCE I gave her the measurements.

Not only would it be easy for her to find me out on this, but also I haven't been half as involved in the wedding preparations as I am sure she would have liked.

In short...yes, I have been a terrible bridesmaid and I am ashamed. And I am scared to be in this mess and scared of spoiling part of her day.

I don't even know if the measurements I gave her, will be the measurements I will be.

Anyway...hopefully a panel can be sewn into the dress (though the fabric was bought in China), or I can lose a lot of those inches in time.

For me, 2000 calories is right to lose weight and be happy. And I don't want to mess up my metabolism.

HOWEVER, I have 12 weeks ladies! So for heaven's sake something has got to give!

So...I am cutting to 1400 calories per day. I will give it a couple of weeks and see if it ups my current loss of about 2lb a week to something higher. Not healthy, not making me happy...but I can do it just for 3 months for my friend. I can.  

So it is too late to start it today, but as of tomorrow I will be starting. So be prepared for me to need a lot of support for the next week or so while I get used to it!

At least it will be some of the punishment I deserve ; )

And...I will know I am doing, reasonably, all I could possibly do to rescue the situation.

Thanks for 'listening' guys!

Rach xxx