...or not . I am in a position where, until I turn in my latest writing project, I am not getting any dollars (or pounds) at all. So the fact I am finding it extremely hard at the moment, and have been putting it off, isn't ideal.
Now, my husband earns a good wage, so we don't actually need me to earn money right now - it is all a bonus, or more realistically money saved for possible hard times ahead when he leaves the navy in a couple of years. But that doesn't stop me feeling upset and anxious about my own work. And you know it is bad when you have only been at work half an hour, and you are feeling like this!
I have thought about getting another part-time job while I work on my writing project...but really, when I pray, I know that isn't the right thing for me. This work is a problem for me...but I can't get round it, I have to get through it and do it. And the only way I can do that is with lots of prayer and hope!
Moving onto food...well, despite getting into the 160s yesterday (a perfect moment for a bit of self-sabotage, if ever there was one), I actually stuck to my plan yesterday, and am even craving healthy foods again today.
With PMS in full swing, I am quite impressed by this. I think it is because, for the first time in my life, I am actually becoming motivated. Not motivated in a negative sort of way by self-hatred and obsessing about what I shouldn't be doing, but excited about what I want to achieve.
This is not something that would have been possible for me when I was in the grip of binge eating. Although I was desperate to be slimmer, my emotional need to eat, and the unrecognised payoffs of stress relief I was getting from that, were much more powerful than any desire to lose weight. Now I have worked on some of the emotional problems, the real desires I have in life are starting to be able to flourish.
I was actually down lower on the scales this morning - 168.75lb - but it was just a sneaky peek at 6am, so I am not logging it.
I am marginally annoyed because I didn't do my exercise this morning. We had our roofers coming round early...well needless to say, at 9.30 they are still not here so I could have done about two hours of working out by now! However, you can guarantee that, had I decided to jump on the treadmill anyway, they would have turned up at 7am and I would have been a sweaty mess.
I am also working on keeping my house cleaner this week. I got a bit of a shock yesterday when I nipped round to a single male friend's house to feed his fish while he is away. This guy is the typical bachelor...and the shock came from the fact his house was cleaner than mine!
So I have a new pledge to do an hour of housework every weekday morning. I started in fine form this morning...but I did have the threat of the appearance of the roofers. I shall have to see how I do when no one is coming round!
Alright, I had better go face some more of the dreaded work. Honestly, when I was a journalist, I used to think being a full-time writer would be so relaxing. It is ten times more stressful than journalism ever was!
Well I am here! In the 160s, the first weight that, for me personally, does not sound that big anymore.
I guess it is big, but for my height and build it is approaching the realm of the 'acceptable' lol.
I decided to post it today, because I know that after today's exercise session, the ensuing water retention will mean I probably won't see it again for a while. Ah well, I know it is there and I am thrilled .
It means I have lost 40.5 pounds (or 2 stone 12.5 pounds for British EPers).
That's all for today...short and sweet. Off to eat a light brekkie and then do my Week 1 Day 1 C25K workout.
It has stopped raining heavily for the first time in nearly 4 days (all of which have been holiday for my poor hubby), so we shall be able to take advantage of it and spend the day at the beach/at a stately home/in the garden.
I went to bed feeling fine...lots of plans for the day ahead...and woke up with PMS.
Feeling yuck.
Then I got an email re my flights to the US this summer...the airline have changed the schedule, and have put me on flights so close together that anyone with half a brain would be able to tell I am NOT going to get to the second flight in time after clearing immigration.
Phoned the travel agent...they say it isn't their responsibility, it is the airline's responsibility.
So will have to try and sort it tomorrow.
Lost loads of weight overnight because I didn't do a workout yesterday...I hate that! Messing up my wi result because I did a workout the day before...but there is no way I would miss a workout for it anyway!
So...lesson for today is just to keep going as best I can through the PMS, which is always crippling.
This is going to be quite boring for anyone except me (and even that is debatable).
Ok so it is the end of another week.
Goals for this week were:
Stick to calories
I did go over on one day (it was roast chicken and roast potatoes. With mayo, naturally). But it was a lot better than my proper binges and I can't expect to go from those to perfect eating. I came in under my calorie limit this week and ate an average of 170 fewer calories per day than I did last week. So I think that is a .
No added sugar, caffeine or alcohol
I did eat some sugar - 3 skinny cow ice cream bars. Not bad for a whole week, but I would rather not do it again, I didn't really enjoy it and I don't do well with sugar.
Keep cheese intake down
I ate slightly over what I planned, but I cut my consumption by more than half from the week before. Going to keep working on it but broadly a .
Exercise more this week, up to 3.5 hours
I did 2 hours 35 minutes, better than last week's 2 hours 10 minutes. Still paltry compared to what I was doing before Christmas, and my overall activity levels were really low, but the exercise was really intensive. I'm going to give myself a .
So...pretty good. Progress, not perfection.
Not so good is my weight. I haven't lost again. However, I did eat a lot of salt yesterday and did a pretty intensive weight training session, which always leaves me heavier for a few days. Plus, I have that water retention thing still going on on my stomach. I have no clue what is going on.
And above the hideous balloon stomach...my waist has got smaller again this week. A quarter inch, but that is fine for one week this far into a weight loss plan.
Overall, I think I have done great with turning my three month slump around over the last two weeks.
Goals for next week:
* Stick to calories. I want to reduce my intake by an average of 100 calories per day this week.
* No added sugar, alcohol or caffeine.
* Keep cheese intake down.
* Drink only water (new goal, but I have really had a head start on it for the past few days).
* Exercise at least 3 hours, preferably more.
There...are any of you still here?..if so I am amazed you didn't fall asleep.
Lots of love and God Bless,
Rach xxx
(edited: Inspired by TatumsMom, I have actually decided to start the C25K (couch to 5k) beginner's running plan this week. I used to run and I loved it..but even with a few flirtations with it since I started my weight loss plan, it feels unapproachable. This seems like a challenge, but manageable...so I should get the exercise levels right up again next week.)
I was one of those kids whose mom always asked 'honey, are you sure you don't want some fries with your ketchup?' The kid who used half a bottle of chocolate sauce on one scoop of ice cream. Who ate her pancakes swimming in syrup.
I truly adored all this stuff. And for me, there was only ever one true King of Condiments. The Tsar of Toppings. The Sultan of Sauces, if you will.
Ahem. Anywaaay...as you might expect from my blog title, in my life, mayo reigned supreme.
I ate huge amounts of it. With everything.
I still remember getting in a foul mood with my mother one day. Now that is not how most kids would react at the sight of a beautifully decorated dinner table, groaning with goodies. But I was angry...because really, how could she have forgotten the mayonnaise?
At Christmas.
So off I toddled into the kitchen, came back bearing the huge jar (we needed it) in both hands, and set it down in pride of place next to the turkey.
There, that was better. Couldn't be doing with any of that gravy stuff.
Because don't get me wrong, it wasn't all condiments I had a thing for. In fact I was a pretty fussy eater. The sauces I enjoyed were always bland, fatty or sugary - and preferably all three at once.
I guess most kids grow out of these sort of habits by the age of...ooh...about ten. Not me. Even at 25, I was still asking for six or seven boxes of ketchup at McDonalds. I didn't see any point in ice cream unless it was floating in a sticky chocolatey lagoon of sauce. I scooped so much dip onto my chips that, if you were quiet, you could hear them groaning under the strain, muttering 'this wasn't in the job description'.
Some of you may be thinking - is it any wonder this girl gained weight? And I am thinking - ooh, yes, that's true. In fact, my love of condiments grew in direct proportion to my thighs.
So wouldn't it have been a great idea if my parents had introduced some idea of control here? Yes! Yet another thing I can blame on my upbringing!
But seriously, I have to face the facts as they are today. Whatever the reason, the problem here is that my eating habits didn't mature as I did. I continued to allow the childish part of me to call the shots. The part that wants the simple sweet or salt or fat tastes. The part that wants instant gratification. The part that is irrational and lacks self-control.
And it is time for me to grow up. So (very) slowly, I am learning mayo and ketchup and ice cream sauce are...well...side items. And that's OK.
Until this morning. This morning I had an amazing revelation. Fireworks and resounding music and all that.
This morning, I made pancakes for breakfast. And I discovered the wondrousness that is Cary's Sugar Free Syrup.
It had been hiding in the back of the cupboard, untouched, for months. Oh terrible waste!
I know, I know, sweeteners are terrible for you.And surely you cannot expect something to taste great when its top two ingredients are sorbitol and cellulose gum.
But, oh, it is so good. Beautiful thick, golden brown syrup. The taste takes me right back to childhood holidays in America. And the true genius is...a 1/4 cup has only 30 calories. Compared to 250 in many full-sugar syrups.
So I can have as much as I want. Heck, I can drown the pancakes in it.
It may not help me learn self-control. And my husband may have just asked me 'honey, are you sure you don't want some pancakes with your syrup?' But right now, as I use one finger to collect up the last bit of rich, sticky yumminess from the plate, I just don't care.
Well, I got through yesterday evening on plan...big ups to me for that.
It was tough. I have anxiety disorder and I was stressed out, so that old demon that is binge eating decided to try and seduce me once more.
But it wasn't successful. I forced myself to stop and think. I am not good at this - I tend to grab the cheese first, and think later.
But this time I recognised the reason I wanted to overeat was to numb the stress. I saw I would immediately feel worse if I overate - that the comfort I craved, that happy relaxed little evening of stuffing my face, was nothing but a dangerous delusion.
I still wanted to do it. Of course I did - humans don't work on how they will feel in the future, they work on instant gratification.
And I have been able to get to this stage in my thought processes before. I know I will feel awful...but I do it anyway.
But this time, as the rational, self-nurturing person I was at least attempting to be, I came up with another plan to handle my anxiety.
I thought about whether I needed to do any more work that night and decided no.Then I distracted myself with two phone calls and a new episode of Lost.
Then I prayed about it for a while...and in the end I was OK.
I still felt extremely stressed, which wasn't as pleasant in the short term as the numb feeling I get when I binge - or, perversely, as the appalling distress and weight obsession I feel after I binge.
I used to think nothing could be worse than that feeling. But here's the thing - I keep bingeing for a reason.
Feeling distressed about what I have eaten, and focusing on that, is actually easier and less painful than thinking about the other problems in my life, the ones behind my binge eating, the ones I don't know how to solve.
With weight, I can kid myself there is an easy solution.
With the other problems, there is only prayer, time and trying as hard as I can - utterly overwhelming when you have spent years as a master of denial. When you have used your binge eating to calm you down, and then focused on food to the extent you forget those other, amazingly bigger, problems even exist.
When I don't binge, those problems loom large - and I have to learn that is OK. It is only by experiencing those feelings that I will learn to cope with actually...well...feeling anything at all. It is only by living with the awareness of my larger problems that I will learn to trust God. It is only by living with them, and trying (with many mistakes) to face them that I will ever experience a solution.
Bingeing takes me away from real life - in my head. But real life is still there, and if I stop acknowledging it, the problems are only going to get worse.
Bingeing to take away stress is like sitting on the ground in the midst of a raging battle, with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears. Sure, while you are doing that, you can't see or hear the enemy coming towards you. But that doesn't mean they aren't there, and it doesn't mean you are protected from them. Actually, you would be much safer if you would get up and fight. It might be scarier, but you are more likely to come out OK.
Yesterday, it was very difficult for me to decide not to binge - it feels like a compulsion, indeed has been diagnosed as such. Because of this, I labor under the dangerous illusion that I am not in control of it. Which is just plain not true - as I have proven by stopping myself yesterday.
Yes, I have to work to find out what is behind each impulse to binge, yes, I have to dissect each thought process, and yes I have to challenge myself...and it sometimes feels impossible...and I might fall as many times as I succeed...but it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS a choice.
I have spent the last few minutes being tortured by a very demon fresh out of Hell.
The demon was cleverly disguised, with blonde hair, a pretty face and a gleaming white smile.
In short, her name is Nell McAndrew. Or The Queen of the Damned as I prefer to call her (apologies, Nell).
My goodness!
I knew my Rosemary Conley DVD had got easy but I didn't realise how unfit I still was until I tried this one - Nell McAndrew's Cardio, Core and Stretch.
Unfortunately I never made it to the Core or Stretch.
Who am I kidding, I never made it to most of the Cardio.
Ten minutes! Ten measly minutes! That's all I could face...and that included the warm up!
I shall now go and do my Rosemary one again...maybe next time I will do 15 minutes of the evil Nell.
I agree...she is completely incompetent and has no idea about customer service.
The trouble is, in Britain people can get away with it, because no one complains - at least not to anyone's face.
People are too embarrassed to say anything.
Anyway...I would take my business elsewhere, but the bride is wanting to stick with her so I don't have much choice.
I did speak to another of the bridesmaids last night, and apparently she also has major issues with her dress, so we are going to think up a specific list of things we want changed, and the last appointment (a few days before the wedding) we are going to speak to the tailor about it.
Because really, how can I spend the whole day in a dress that doesn't fasten, that is all flappy on my boobs and that I am worried is going to fall down?
Well, I can if I have to, but I am dreading it.
Even if those issues are all sorted, the dress is still extremely unflattering...but at least people will be looking at the bride, not at me!
Anyway, healthy eating and exercise is going well, but I am still not losing any weight.
That is about all...I don't have much to say today for a change.
Thanks for all your comments..we went away for the weekend which is why I haven't replied yet.
Well all I can say is...ugh! What a Saturday.
Drove for 6 hours to go to my final bridesmaid's dress fitting. The tailor was supposed to let the dress out as far as it would go...when I got there, she hadn't changed it much at all.
She said letting it out more would 'look bad', even though that is what we had agreed.
My friend and I decided the issue was she wanted us to get a new dress entirely (which we suspected all along).
So amazingly it still ALMOST did up...and now my choice is to lose about 10 pounds in the next 3 weeks (yeah, right), or wear a dress which is fastened in back with a rubber band to stretch over the gap.
It still doesn't fit right in the bust, even though there is no reason for it not to - it is too big and it just falls forward, so I will have to stand up STRAIGHT all day so people don't get a view of my boobs. The tailor said there is nothing she can do...I don't see how.
The gap at the back doesn't matter, because there is a bolero to wear over the dress.
All 3 bridesmaids have one. The dressmaker showed it to me and said 'I made two small ones, and one big one for you'. Which annoyed me but I let it slide off me.
And then she said the same thing THREE MORE TIMES in the next ten minutes.
Her general attitude was so patronising, full of pity for the 'big girl' and so insulting somehow.
The worst thing was, at one point she came around from the back where she was pinning the dress and said 'oh, luvvie, are you crying?'
No, I wasn't crying, I wasn't doing anything that could have made her think I was - so my assumption (which my friend also thought at the same time) was that a lot of girls she says these things to do cry, so she expected it.
Oh dear!
I actually didn't mind the whole experience too much, although the bride was horrified...the sad thing is, I have actually come to expect it. When the comment comes, I think 'here we go again then', it is like there is some dreadful inevitability about it. If someone like a dressmaker, or a hairdresser doesn't make negative comments about the way I look, or if a shop assistant doesn't assume I am pregnant, it is then that I am shocked.
How sad is that?
It is times like this I find it hard to remember I have lost 40 pounds.
Anyway, luckily it was then only another 90 minute drive to my parents' house and the rest of the weekend was absolutely lovely.
So...nothing more to write as I could do with getting on,
Loads of love and looking forward to catching up with your blogs.
Today has been a washout. I have been sick and I have got hardly anything done, plus I am at home while OH is at a party because I am sick.
Packed weekend ahead as well!
In good news...big drum roll please...I have reached the end of 7 full days On Plan.
I am amazed...I don't think I have done this since before Christmas, and I have never done it when I have felt as stressed out as I have this week.
So refocusing on the 'addiction' nature of this, as I did last week, really helped.
I don't think I am down much weight-wise, I was at the start of the week, but gained a few overnight, which is all water weight - I can see it like a cushion on my stomach and IT IS ANNOYING ME!
But the satisfaction of achieving those 7 days is fantastic, whatever the weight.
So....
weekly evaluation
last week: back to basics
goals - stick to calories: DONE
no added sugar, caffeine or alcohol: DONE
exercise 3.5 hours: DID 2 HOURS 10 MINS - I haven't done any in a while so this was actually pretty good, plus it didn't include a lot of basic daily activity I did
next week's goals
stick to calories
no added sugar, caffeine or alcohol
keep cheese intake down!
exercise more than this week and up to 3.5 hours
Right, I am off to watch soaps on the couch in my pyjamas!
See you all soon, when hopefully I am feeling a lot more civilised and coherent.
. I am in a position where, until I turn in my latest writing project, I am not getting any dollars (or pounds) at all. So the fact I am finding it extremely hard at the moment, and have been putting it off, isn't ideal.
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