Exhausted physically and emotionally
Well, the UK Border Agency made an infantile mistake with DH's visa paperwork, and neglected to notice for more than 3 months, hence the delay and now the cancellation of his application. We have made a formal complaint and are going to our MP to try and get some money back and raise awareness of the problems people go through with the Agency...but that doesn't help right now, because my husband has no leave to remain in the UK and has to return to the United States for an indefinite period.
I have to stay here as I am too far along in the pregnancy to fly.
We are now in a race against time to get his settlement visa approved before our babies are born, which will be a maximum of 10 weeks. The specified time to allow for this is 120 days. A lot of cases are settled quicker, but unfortunately because of the mess up by the Border Agency, our situation and finances are a lot different to how they were the first time we applied - meaning our 'open and shut case' is no longer that.
We have now engaged an immigration lawyer to help us, more money down the pan.
We are moving today, though we will be back and forth for another few days for DH to finish up work and me clean the house. It's an absolute disaster, thanks to how complicated and 'bitty' this move is and because I have been unable to do much with the pregnancy lately. I am doing too much today as it is - as evidenced by the fact that I just threw up my breakfast all over the kitchen floor, and then continued vomiting and dry heaving for the next 20 minutes. Which is why I am sitting down for 10 minutes now.
I am absolutely appalled by the mess the movers will find. I am absolutely appalled by the fact we will be moving into our new house with dirty, disorganised stuff.
That's if we even move in. Well, it won't be 'we', it'll be 'me'. We still haven't decided for sure whether to even take the place, it depends what the immigration lawyers say today about our chances of being accepted for the visa. In any case, I have no clue when I am going to see my husband again or if he will be present when our babies are born. His passport will be with the authorities for the entire length of the application process, so he won't even be able to come visit as a tourist...also money wise that would be very hard, this has left us thousands of pounds poorer anyway.
This has been very hard for me as it has also brought up a lot of other painful thoughts. I tend to be a person who goes very much by instinct, it has quite literally never steered me wrong. I sometimes get little thoughts about what I should do, and often they don't seem to make any sense at all. Yet when I go with them, there is always a reason. Before I met my husband, I had the very strong belief that I should not ever marry or have children - that there was something else for me to do in life. When I met him, it is something I really struggled with, I can't explain how powerful the thoughts were and how much guilt was involved. These thoughts still surface from time to time..and this whole thing has really brought them up again, and it terrifies me with my DH going away.
Anyway, I am just totally exhausted, not only mentally, but also physically. I am struggling on and not doing too bad a job, but I am so hot and sweaty and tired and I have to stop two or three times just to get up a flight of stairs. The next few days just look like a nightmare, I have to go to lots of appointments tomorrow in 2 different towns with no car, and I just don't know how I am going to manage the walking without being exhausted and having contractions, not to mention looking totally unpresentable for appointments with lawyers/realtors etc because of being so sweaty.
Then after Sunday looks even worse because that is when my DH leaves the country with no indication he can possibly come back again. I will be alone in my new flat with my dirty furniture, my huge belly stopping me getting out much, and my dark thoughts lol.
I will have friends and family around, but the thought of them having to do so much for me that my DH would have been doing in the last days of the pregnancy is mortifying for me. I don't want people to have to ferry me around because I'm not allowed to drive. Let alone what I'm going to do the times I can't get out of bed (seriously) or lift something out of a cabinet. And all the time I'll be having these thoughts of impending disaster and not have anyone to talk to. Ifthe babies are born when DH is not here, there is literally no one I want at the birth. I'm a very private person and I won't be able to relax enough with my mum or a friend there.
Ok, this is by far the most negative post I have ever written. I am managing to stay upbeat in much of my life at the moment, so it is good to have a place to let it out.