The Thief of Time
Ooo-kay...so what do I write about today?
I don't really have any inspiration.
I am feeling pretty rubbish. Hauled myself out of bed this morning and have been attempting to complete my chores. The trouble is, I get sidetracked. It is that perfectionist part of me, again. The part that stops me when I am doing something simple like washing the dishes and asks 'so what are you going to do next? You really need to do this, this and this....oh and then this. And then we'll find something else.'
Then I feel torn in two. I do really believe I want to do all those things. But it is just overwhelming. So I end up collapsing on the couch or at the computer and just doing nothing at all.
My head knows doing something small is better than doing nothing at all. But my heart just doesn't believe it. My heart believes something small is not enough.
Eating and exercise is the same way for me.
For example, today I planned to do my C25K. Well, in the end I didn't persuade myself. But I did think 'OK, well I would be able to face doing half an hour of my aerobics.'
I started for the stairs to get my sports gear on...but no, brain interrupts: 'Aerobics is too easy. You have come further than that. It's C25K or nothing.'
Well, after arguing with myself for about 10 minutes (not out loud), I was pretty stressed out...so yep, you guessed it, it ended up being nothing. That is anxiety disorder for you.
When every little decision is this way, life gets pretty tough.
So I have a 'routine' sheet. It lists all the really basic things I have to get done each day in order to feel in control and OK.
But I even manage to cheat on that. I spend a lot of time interpreting what exactly it means and what I can get away with.
Like being on WW but making your Points stretch with all those little cheats you have learned about over the years.
You are following the plan, but you are not in the spirit of the plan.
And you have to ask yourself...am I just procrastinating, which is bad enough, or am I, in truth, NEVER going to get this done?
Anyway, now you all think I am even more nuts than you already thought.
At least there are some small positives...I have washed all the dishes and done some laundry. That is about it!
That's all for today, told you I wasn't feeling inspired!
Take care and lots of love,
Rach xxx