Spilling (a lot) of beans
My Friends Must Have Noticed I Have Lost Weight.
That was the amazing insight I had the other day. Clever, huh?
Why, you might ask, did it not occur to me before? I've only had about 14 months and 45 pounds to come to this staggering realisation.
I think it hadn't occurred to me because the overwhelming majority of my friends had never mentioned anything about my weight loss (not to my face, anyway).
I had kept pretty quiet about it myself. Well, I didn't want anyone actually acknowledging I used to be even bigger than this.
Until recently, that is.
Last weekend, at a lunch party, the subject of weight and fitness came up. The conversation ran on, and on, and on, and I kept thinking, 'Actually, I have a lot of things to contribute to this discussion.'
I mean, guys, a lot of what people were saying was just cr*p, if you'll excuse my language. In my opinion, at least.
I kept thinking, 'Most of these people, while they may be slimmer than me, have been trying to lose weight without success. I have lost weight, so it is OK at least to offer an opinion.'
But you know what another part of me was thinking...yep...'I am still fat. There is no way they are going to take me seriously.'
In the end, I took a deep breath and did make my contribution.
I couldn't just leave it at that, though. They might have thought, 'What does she know?' . Eeek. So I ended up justifying myself. To everyone. 'I have lost 45 pounds.' Plus the inevitable addition - 'Of course, I still have a lot more to lose'.
Pathetic, really. Who even cares if they judge me or not?
Then it got a bit weird. Once the shameful words were out there, I just couldn't shut up about My Amazing Weight Loss. Over the next few days, it seemed like every other thing I said started with the words 'When I lost 45 pounds...'. (This one time, at band camp...)
I actually started to feel quite proud of what I had achieved. I wanted people to know I had lost weight. And I wanted to share. That awful word (pretty horrifying for most Brits, anyway). I did, though. I wanted to let people know about my experiences, to show the world I wasn't ashamed of who I was or where I had been.
I may have carried it a little far.
I even talked about it in front of people I knew were struggling with their weight. What if I was offending them or upsetting them? But I just couldn't make my mouth Stop Talking.
At one point, I was chatting to a girl from my husband's work. She is overweight and has been since I have known her, and she was talking about how much she eats sometimes. She just seemed so down on herself, so in a fit of solidarity I found myself saying, 'Oh, yeah, when I was heavier I used to eat two family packs of Minstrels (that's about a pound of chocolate candy) every night'.
I didn't get the reaction I expected. This woman just stopped stock still and stared at me, and for a second or two this completely blank look spread over her features. It was like she had no idea how to process that information.
Then she just carried on talking, as though I had never made the comment.
I panicked. I thought, 'Oh God, she is judging me. Here I am trying to be all open and honest, here I am trying to make a connection, and she just can't associate herself with me at all. I am just too gross, I look gross, everything about me is gross and the things I do are so gross they are beyond her comprehension. Even though I have just sat and watched her pick her way through an entire block of blue cheese.'
That shut me up about my weight pretty quickly. It was a good job. I was getting boring.
I went home and got really depressed. Half a pie's worth of depressed.
Then I got angry. As I shovelled down my treacle tart straight from the packet, I muttered to myself:
'Who am I trying to kid? I have socialised with the same people all through my weight loss. They already know I have lost weight. There is one reason and one reason only they aren't mentioning it. It is because they don't want to admit I was - horror of horrors - obscenely fat before.'
Then I realised I must look completely nuts, ranting away to myself, spraying crumbs all over the couch.
Then I ate the other half of the pie.
After throwing all my toys out of the crib (and the sticky cushions off the sofa), I felt a little better.
Perhaps I wasn't really being judged after all. Perhaps the main reason I was so upset was that no-one, during my recent foray into the world of self-publicity, had actually said, 'Dammit, girl, you have done so well.' I mean, just one 'Lady, you are a total legend' would have been enough. Maybe. In fact, no-one had showed any reaction at all.
I wanted to think it was because my weight was not of the slightest importance to my friends, compared to my Stellar Personality.
More realistically, I suspected it was down to the fact they all already knew my 'big secret'. Possibly they were jealous. Perhaps they just all thought I still looked huge.
Or maybe they just didn't give a flying monkeys about any of it (as this blog entry grows ever longer, I am beginning to feel that way myself).
The important thing, though, was that none of this really mattered. I wasn't doing this for anyone else. What mattered was how I felt about myself. The way I presented myself in public was a reflection of that. I had just gone out and talked all about myself for more than 30 seconds at a time - so I must be feeling pretty good.
Definitely cause for celebration.
OK, so maybe I had thrown myself into my new, fat and, dammit, proud persona a little quickly.
That's not so bad, though. It is good to be open about things. It might actually help someone, one day. It might make someone else who feels as cr*p as I did when I was eating that pie feel just a tiny bit better because they aren't so alone.
As long as I am not being belligerent about it, as long as I am not insisting my way is the only right way to lose weight (I can still think it if I want 
), as long as I know When To Shut Up, I am allowed to speak up. I am not so repulsive I have to hide behind baggy clothes, or keep silent, or even stay at home. I like myself enough that I don't have to apologise for existing any more.
I know there are risks to this approach. I might offend someone who feels stuck in their habits. I might feel - or really be - judged and rejected.
But that's not really my problem.
In the end I might play a tiny, tiny part in changing the way people who overeat are viewed - and feel - in our society.
That has got to be worth it. Better than pie, anyway.
And I do rather like talking about myself. Even if no one else gives a monkeys .
Rach xxx 
You have every right to be proud and to believe that the way you are losing is the perfectly right way for you and who better to give advice and comment on the subject than someone who has actually DONE it!? You HAVE done well and your STELLAR personality just shines through your posts! Love 'em! Please keep sharing!