Food for thought

Well, I can now see the end of this journey in sight. And it has given me something to think about...

The reason I have had this long-term success with my weight loss is that my attitude to lifestyle has completely changed. Yes, there is still a long way to go, but really my entire 'relationship' with food has been transformed.

It is now necessary to put '...' round 'relationship'. I used to have a 'relationship' with food. Now, I don't really. Except on very rare occasions, for the first time in 27 years, food is just food. It is fuel, and it tastes lovely, but that is it, for the most part.

And a week staying with other females my own age has taught me my habits and beliefs about myself and about food are now much more healthy than those of many other women - even the slim ones.

And yet - I am Still Fat. When people look at me, they still see a fat girl. And not just slightly chubby, but seriously overweight. With 40 pounds lost, I am still around the 'start weight' of many of the 'real life successes' in weight loss magazines.

Personally, I feel like a huge success. But I imagine others view me as unattractive, lacking self-control, someone who 'would be pretty if only she lost a bit of weight'. Someone to be judged - to be pitied or patronised, depending on the individual doing the judging. Someone whose opinions on health and weight issues are not worth soliciting.

Ok, realistically, I know I am projecting my own feelings about my weight onto others. Most people probably don't think that at all. However, with the way weight issues are viewed in our society, some probably do.

So what do I do? Do I apologise for myself every time I meet someone new, or want to take part in a simple discussion about nutrition or exercise? Do I say 'well, actually, I have lost 40 pounds - and I know I still have a long way to go, but...'

No, of course I don't. Because that would look pathetic. And also, more importantly, I am ashamed. I do not want anyone to know that once, I was even bigger than I am now. I want to brush the whole thing under the carpet. Take the photos off Facebook, get one of those fancy Men In Black memory wiper thingummywotsits and use it on all my friends...in short, pretend I was never fat.

Because, to me, fat = weak. Fat = pathetic. Fat = out of control.

And I don't want people to think I am any of those things. I want people to think I am successful in everything I do, that I would never have the kind of problems that, well, just aren't acceptable.

And this pride is a bad thing. Because I was overweight. It is a part of my life. And I should not be ashamed of it.

Like many other people, I like to hope my life could, one day, be perfect. And goodness knows, I don't want other people to think it isn't perfect already. I constantly compare myself with others, and feel I come up short. I believe I should have the smooth, easy and successful progress through life I see my friends having - the top degree, the high-powered job, the staggering general knowledge...and the slim, healthy body. The reason I don't? I am simply Not Good Enough.

And yet, life isn't perfect. Not for anyone.

When I go to weddings, read about my classmates in the alumni newspaper, even chat to my friends, I am getting the edited version of their lives. The successes highlighted, the less proud parts cut out.

I know this because everyone has problems. And because when I go to a wedding, and recite my potted history of the last five years, I also do a fair bit of creative cutting and pasting.

My friends probably even think my life is more 'perfect' than theirs.

Or they would...if I could just hide the fat.

But that's OK. I have sorted out my eating problems, and I doubt I will ever regain a significant amount of weight without taking action.

So soon, when the excess weight is (finally) gone, I will be able to pretend it never happened in the first place.

Phew.

But actually, that would be a real shame.

Because it would just help perpetuate the myth that life can be perfect. That some people are better than others. That those who don't succeed in everything they do are simply Not Good Enough.

And I don't really think that is true. I may judge myself harshly, but I don't believe anyone else with a weight problem is pathetic.

And more than that, I think I have a lot to offer to people who are still struggling to find some peace around food. I have learned so much over the past ten months. It has changed who I am and it means I have some great advice to give.

If I sweep away all my experiences as 'a fat girl', if I pretend it all never happened, I can never do that.

And if I am not willing to be open with others, I will never get the chance to challenge some of society's beliefs about why people become overweight.

So I owe it to myself - and to others with weight problems - to be brave about this. To be prepared to talk about myself and my problems not with apologies, not with shame, but with directness and honesty.

I owe it to myself to see my weight gain as just another of life's problems, not something to be ashamed of.

I owe it to myself to be proud of what I have achieved.

And so I owe it to myself - and everyone else I know who is struggling with weight - not to pretend all this never happened.

Rach xxx

Wow!

What a great post. You summed up what a lot of us feel.  You just have a much better writing style than most of us! 

You do deserve to be proud!  You are awesome!

Not true

First of all, you are not 40 lbs overweight, you are 5'6" tall. That is two inches taller than the average height of women. I only have to get to 128 to be at a "healthy weight" for my height and I'm 5'0". So you are not 40 lbs overweight, it's probably closer to 20. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are beautiful and those pictures are lovely. You have done a great job losing those 40 lbs and if you stopped right now, you'd still be beautiful. I think what you see in the mirror is not what others see. I was shocked when I read your posting and then looked at your recent photos. They don't mesh.

So true!!

Sweetie, you got it just right!! You can and should be very proud of what you have already acchieved (everything in your life that you have acchieved) and not tear yourself down. True,m you had a bit of extra weight on for a while there, but just look at where you've come to! Really, you are such an inspiration to a lot of people. I may humbly add myself to that group. You've been so stable all the time and your curve goes down continuously. So be proud of it. HOld that pretty head of yours high, be proud of the lovely person you are! And you are right, you should share that with others! LIke here, you are and will be a huge inspiration and give hope to many.

And you are beautiful. Always remember that!

Lovely!!!

I greatly enjoyed your post today!! Thank you! Be proud of yourself because you are a completely awesome woman!!

What a post!!

I remember when I was 120 pounds and could eat whatever I wanted without worrying about my weight.  I would see overweight people and wonder why they don't just lose weight - thinking HOW hard could it possibly be?!?  Well now that I am one of those overweight people I realize how strong of a person it takes to lose it.  I know that it makes you a stronger person to have to go through being overweight and losing it than it does somebody who never was to begin with.

We can't change or erase our pasts - we can only learn from it.

You SHOULD be proud of yourself - you've done awesome!

what a lovely post

your a insperation thanks for the lovely blog you should b proud

x

Isn't it funny how we see ourselves...

compared to others?  I think you look beautiful and certainly not "seriously overweight"!  However, I have feelings like that too (although at my size I am seriously overweight).  I cringe when someone I just met wants to give me a hug.  I wonder if they'll be repulsed when they feel my fat.  I wonder when I have to complain about something at a restaurant if they'll take it in the back and laugh at me saying to themselves or others that I don't need the food anyway and therefore I have no right to complain.  It's all so hard mentally isn't it?  And it certainly doesn't help when you are trying to make yourself look & feel better by losing weight to have all that mental crap piled on you. 

But I can tell that you are a smart, clear headed & thoughtful (as in thinking things through before jumping to conclusions) type of person and while you may have thoughts like this, in the end you won't let them stop you from doing what you need to do and enjoying life in the process.

Wonderful blog!!

I related to every single word. 

I cried.

Thank you!

Wonderful

Thank you for this post.  I relate completely to the emotions you're expressing.  Thank you.