Yesterday i was feeling really positive and really motivated and like this whole weight loss (or progress towards a healthy weight as I like to think of it) thing is easy peasy. I've always had success when I think of it in those terms, as easy peasy.
Well, last night, I guess wearing jeans that are too big for me, feeling good and revelling (perhaps over-revelling) in my recent non-scale victories, I had a binge. I ate cake, tortilla crisps, some ice cream and 6 chocolate digestives. I didn't really want them, but once I started I couldn't stop.
When I think of why I did this, two things come to mind. I am *bored*. I am currently bored of my work, which seems all consuming, never-ending and really really difficult. So I turned to food, again, for something different to do. This means that although I have introduced new habits into my life, I can (and do) still easily fall back into old habits.
Second, and I've only just realized this, I've been working on progressing towards a healthy weight, and I believe this kind of language is more positive than 'weight loss'. However, I *am* a healthy weight, so I've achieved that. I am actually trying to lose weight to be an *ideal* healthy weight. So maybe the way I've been framing it in my mind is unhelpful. I need to think of a new way to frame this that is motivating and positive. Part of me thinks maybe I don't want to lose anymore, maybe I am happy and comfortable where I am. But dammit, I *want* to fit into knee high boots, I want to be thin - in part because I've never been there before and because I am so DAMN close. I want to look good in a bikini and feel good in my body and know that any of the problems I might have are NOT due to my weight. I want to look at my body and like what I see. I still look at myself and see wobbly bits and I still have love handles that peek out of the tops of my jeans.
Arrrrg. Sh*t, f*ck.
Have any of you gone through something like this? I need to think about this some more but I'm not sure I'll be able to come up with any solutions. I always tell people to stay positive, because that has really helped me get to the weight I am now, but it feels like I've hit a wall and there's no 'positive' left in me anymore.
I'm confused, and a little scared that all this hard work is just a blip in my life and in a couple of months I'll be exactly where I was when I started.
I am feeling really positive and have a few rather small and non-scale related victories I'd like to share with you.
First off, today I am wearing a pair of jeans that used to be my 'skinny' jeans - I could barely fit into them at 10 st - and now they are loose on me! In fact, I can slide them on and off without undoing them. YAY me ;-) (yes, I am humble too). The scale sez 9.0, which doesn't count cuz it's mid-week and I only count my weight on Monday or Tuesday, but I haven't seen this number on the scales in a while so this is also reaffirming.
And -
I have *never* been able to wear knee high boots because I have wide calfs at the best of times, never mind when I am 2 stone overweight. Well, the other day I went to try some on, just to see, and there were lots I couldn't fit into but there was one pair that although they were tight - they fit! Yeeeehaaaa! I was embarassed in front of the shoe guy because it's embarassing having to publicly struggle with a pair of boots that seem to fit everyone else. I was apologizing to the shoe guy, saying that these things never fit me because I have wide calfs but I just really wanted to try them anyway because they look *so* good. He looked me in the eye and said, "trust me, I help a lot of people in here, and you *don't* have big calfs".
Obviously, I do, otherwise all the boots would've fit, but it was really nice to have someone tell me otherwise.
Also, I got some pictures back from when i went to Hamburg, and although they were taken at 4 am after lots and lots of dancing (hence all my red faced sweaty glory), I look lean! ME. Lean. (well, leaner than *I've* ever been before). I love it. I've posted two of them, in part to boast but mostly so you know what I'm talking about. It also makes me think that I must get some full body pictures of me taken soon because I really have no idea what I look like anymore. Most of the time I still think of myself as I was at 11 stone something.
So despite being skint (again, and sadly, just after payday) and shouldering a tremendous workload, I am feeling like I *can* do this - I have 8 lbs (unofficially, 9 lbs officially) to reach my goal. And it's entirely achievable.
To make things even better, the sun is shining and I am making progress on chapter 6 (long overdue and very slow progress, but progress nonetheless).
Last night was my flat mate's birthday, so although we didn't make it to the gig we had planned to go to (they oversold their tickets by a bamillion and we didn't get there in time to get to the front of the queue), we went for dinner and drinks. It was quite mellow but so good - I laughed so hard I was crying. My friends are funny people.
Of course, while my dinner was pretty healthy, I drank too much. Probably had all of my week's points just last night :-( AND I have a friend coming in to London to visit this weekend, which means more drinking - on both Friday and Saturday! AND some of my mates from uni want to go for a drink early on Friday. I should be really pleased - it's great to have a social life, but I also want to stay on track.
So what do I do?
I think I'll opt for having a life and try and fit in some extra exercise on Friday and do my best to dance, dance, dance on saturday! I'll aim for a sts this week and start again properly next Monday.
I *can* do this! Plus, I'm playing squash again tonight and I'm pleased cuz it's great exercise and so much bloody fun.
On other news, I met someone lovely (I think, I hope). I've been happy being single and playing the field, so to speak, but this bloke brings out other kinds of wants... Don't want to say too much cuz I don't want to jinx anything. Silly, I know, but old dog - new tricks and all of that. The key thing I suppose, is that inadvertently, he has highlighted all of the things in other people I've been dating that I really don't want - by naturally being and doing and having so many of the things I really like.
In terms of my weight, being a bit lighter and so near to my goal, I feel more confident with men than I have in the past. I'm still not exactly where I want to be but I generally feel pretty good about things and I am enjoying (as I always do ;-) all the male attention. The good thing about it is that I feel more secure in more parts of myself, and that security gives me more strength to (or comfort in) being myself. In contrast to what ww's say, I would disagree with their claim that losing weight has "changed my life", instead it has made it slightly (and very pleasantly) easier to be me. Which is very cool. Hopefully, I will be able to stay here.
So I weighed myself today (with my bathrobe in the morning as usual, after eating breakfast, unusal) and the damage is 9.6!!!
I had a great week-end - thoroughly enjoyed myself, though drank far too much and ate crap - including *two* cakes, lots o cheese and many other things I don't usually indulge in (mmmm - quesadillas, nachos, salami - all high fat - but so incredibly tasty). So I shoudn't be surprised that my weight is up. However, I also took my measurements and those are up by 4.2 inches!
Sigh.
By way of facing the music, I am writing this all down in a publically available format. This means a couple things.
First, I am no longer at goal/in maintenance. Arguably, I never was as I still had 4 lbs to go until I reached my goal even though I did reach my ww goal*. However, I was proud and happy to have reached my ww goal and accordingly let myself over relax.
Second, I need a workable, livable, every day maintenance plan. WW's has not really lived up to my expectations on this, so I need to do some research about how to live my life sanely and healthily.
Given my weight is now higher than it was in my last post, I am aiming to reach goal by June 4th (must update the EP tracker AGAIN). This gives me four months to lose 14 lbs** which I think is reasonable and hopefully will remind me how great I feel when I eat well and take care of myself.
Mini-goals: 3 lbs = 9.3 and BMI 24 and in ww gold member range (FREE MEETINGS) 6 lbs = 9.0 and BMI 23 8 lbs = 8.12 or 124 lbs 12 lbs = 8.8 and BMI 22! 14 lbs = 8.6 and GOAL!!!
I only log my weight on here once a month, but I'll check in regularly with my progress.
big hugs xxNina
*I set my ww goal here mostly so that I could get free meetings sooner rather than later. **Based on a 1 lb/week loss
My weight is fluctuating between 9.1 (this morning) and 9.5 (last night)! I am happy that I am lighter than I was, but the other day I was looking at some old pictures (some of them of or including me), and I was surprised at how heavy I was. And in some of them I was 10 st which used to be my lightest weight... That means that I am probably looking pretty much the same.
And I feel pudgy. Like there is a soft layer covering me up and squeezing out of the tops and sides of my clothes... I've thrown away all of the trousers I had that are now too big for me, so I can NOT go back to 10 st.
Plus, I want to fluctuate between 8.8 and 8.12 but my resolve weakens (because I reached goal and I think to myself, go on, it's ok. You deserve it) and I eat stuff I want at the time but don't really want to eat.
I am trying to exercise more - which I love. I am really enjoying using my body and rediscovering that I have muscles. It feels good when they are a little bit sore and I can *feel* all those endorphins running up to my brain after biking or yoga or (hopefully soon) squash.
Can there be a connection between exercise and wanting to eat more? I swear I haven't struggled with cravings as much as I have been since becoming more active. Then again, loads of people on ep exercise loads and don't succumb to all the extra calories in sweets or savoury snacks, so what is going on with me?!?
I need to reassess my goals and focus. I have come this far, I can reach my goal.
Breathe.
I am going home in July, and I really want to be *at* goal for that time. This gives me 4 months. If I set my start weight at 9.3 (sort of in the middle of my fluctuating weight range) and aim for 8.8 this means I am 11 pounds from my goal weight. If I am to lose 1 lb a week, I will need just under 3 months to reach my target. This will give me a month to maintain and get used to being 8.8.
[breathes again].
My other aim is to exercise more. Monitoring my food is great and I feel healthier for it, but exercise is also great. I don't want to get obsessive about it, but I do want to do activities that I can easily maintain even after I've lost this last 11 lbs.
So this is my new [ish] goal. I *can* do this. I just need to focus and concentrate.
[rushes off to change ep goals and feels a little more positive]
My weight is up 6 lbs and I still want to get down to 118 (which is now 11 lbs away - AGAIN). Having reached my ww goal, I find that I am saying yes to more little things - because I can. I know if I want to get to 118, I have to be strict with myself, at least for 2 more months, but I also want to relax a little bit with my food. I am trying to be focused during the week and more relaxed on week-ends, but I think I'm going to have to re-prioritize and take on that 80/20 attitude after reaching my final-super-ideal goal.
On a plus note, my eating *has* changed. The kinds of food I desire have changed, and even my 'binges' have changed - they have decreased in the number of times I have them and the amount of food I eat has also much less than it used to be. I take these as really positive signs.
So maybe I'm not *exactly* where I want to be, but I have come a long way and I'm really pleased to see healthier habits coming through in my behaviour.
Despite this, I'm just a little discouraged at how elusive my final goal seems to be.
Sigh.
On a happier note, Germany was amazing! I had forgotten how much I love going somewhere I've never been before and how exciting hearing different languages and seeing different architectures can be! I had a bratwurst (partly because it was one of the only words I recognized on the menu) and mmmm-boy - it was YUMMM!
I'm thinking of going to Berlin at the end of April. Apparently, Berlin is incredible. I'm thinking about it and will let you know.
Well it's been a busy busy week and I'm glad it's over. I work as a half time faculty member at my university and it still amazes me how much work is involved in teaching and consulting students and making a department run in general. It seems I spend considerable amounts of time meeting with students or meeting with other faculty. It doesn't really matter what time I turn up because there will *always* be things to do. And weirdly, how much time I spend at work has very little to do with how much I get done...
This week students got their marks back from their first essays and there have been a constant stream of students wanting to discuss their feedback, some of whom, have been really upset. Most of them have just wanted clarification and guidance on how to improve the next one.
Anyway, I don't know why I'm going into all of this.
I find it really easy to eat well during the week, especially when it's a busy one like this week. I struggle at the week-ends because there are so many unpredictable moments and generally, at least one night of alcohol which tends to weaken my resolve - either after a night out or the next day when I'm hungover. And this week-end I'm going to GERMANY!!!
Tickets were cheap - 20 quid return (I heart easyjet ;-) and I thought it would be good motivation for finishing this evil chapter I have been working on for MONTHS. But, guess what? I haven't finished. After much deliberation, guilt and anguish, I've decided to go anyway. I can't afford it and the people I'm going with are all heavy drinkers so I know it's going to be a rather budget and very alcoholic week-end. So despite all the logical reasons why I shouldn't go, I'm gonna do it anyway. I really want to get out of the city and I haven't travelled in a long time.
I will leave my heavy drinking friends in the pub and try to walk around as much as possible and absorb the city that way.
Can't wait!
My weight today is 9 st 1, so I'm up 4 lbs. I'm ok with this. I took a break last week and have been struggling to care. I don't want to go wild this week-end, but I also don't want to restrict myself. Plus, I've been struggling so I'm just going to take it easy and enjoy whatever comes.
However, I do want to reach my 'ideal' goal - 8 st 8 - more out of appreciation for the fact that I haven't been that weight since I was 13 (I never was a very 'light' kid ;-) and I just wanna feel how I feel when I get there. And I figure that will give me a bit of leeway. I'd like my weight to stick between 8 st 8 and 8 st 12.
My thoughts for next week - stick to plan! And start doing more exercise. My body has been craving exercise, and other than walking and cycling, I don't really know what to do. So I need to think this one through some more.
I have been so grumpy lately. I am frustrated with staying in all the time, I am *bored* of ww's, of thinking about food, of eating healthily, and am nearly on the brink of homicidal tendencies when it comes to sitting down in front of my computer AGAIN.
Plus, the weather has been shit, our house is about to undergo major changes and get considerably smaller (we are renting out a room to a very good friend - great bonus financially and socially, but dam - I'm gonna miss our living room and that extra bit of distance between me and some of my flatmates). And I'm skint. Skint, skint, skint.
Skint.
I've been eating pretty poorly as well. I don't have the energy to cook and to counter the intense boredness I've been feeling with the whole ww's/watching what I eat thing, I took about 5 days off of the plan. This meant lots of drinking, some cheese, some chocolate, some chips (which I have almost every week, but I had more than once last week) and salami! But to be honest, I didn't really enjoy any of those things very much (other than the drinking) and I hated the way they made me feel afterwards. Bloated and gross and full of stodge. I guess this is a good sign - a very good sign - that my eating habits have changed for the better.
And today, one of my work colleagues said I looked 'really thin'! HA! I am unaccustomed to such words being thrown in my direction - especially as the scale shows I've gained weight this week. AND while talking about possible going rock climbing next month, a friend of mine said I would probably be good at it - get this - because I'm 'light and agile'! HA HA!!! More unfamiliar words that have never been used to describe my body before. It's good to hear such things becaues it relieves some of my boredom with the whole thing.
I think I am struggling with updating my body image. I still see myself as I have always been and this is just one of many recent factors making me feel irritable, impatient and BORED.
Anywho, just thought I'd rant a bit and share these strange and wonderful comments people have passed my way today.
