Fat... and out of control...

and getting fatter!

I can't stop eating!  I've been absolutely ravenous.  Really and truly.  Ravenous to the point where I'm considering any kind of appetite suppressant I can get my hands on!  [don't worry.  I am also fully aware that this is not a solution and whatever I do, it will be healthier and longer lasting if I do it without any 'help' from ineffective diet aids].

Snacks that are actually enough points to be be full on meals - I try to be good and stick to the core plan, and this works for one meal or two - and then I don't care what happens and I will eat and eat things - maybe for just five minutes.  It's not bingeing per se; just out of control. 

I'm disappointed in myself because I know I can do this.  I know I feel so much better and stronger in myself when I eat well.

Help me!!

I am getting all panicky, this is not what I want!!

DAMMIT!

I've been trying to eat well, and when I haven't to stay within my weekly points (I follow the core plan).  I have used almost all of my points for this week and I am looking forward to not drinking.

I've been cycling at least an hour and twenty minutes a day and yesterday I went to the gym, so I've been moving my ass and working at getting back on track.  I know it is bad form to weigh yourself mid week and I usually pay no mind to it, but I am up 2 lbs!!!! The really evil thing about this is that now my BMI is officially in the overweight range! 

[/rant] Dammit.  FUck.  Shit.  Not FAIR, NOT FAIR! Damn, damn, dammit. [/rant]

I swore I would never be overweight again.

While hating the world for seeming to conspire against me, and hating myself for letting myself relapse in a way I thought I never ever would, I *know* that this is negative thinking and unhelpful to me, my self esteem and me achieving my goals.

So in the interest of being positive and constructive, here is a visual reminder of the things I need to do:

• 1) BE POSITIVE!  I CAN do this.

• 2) Stick to your plan.  Keep exercising, keep eating healthily and I will see results.

• 3) Be patient.  Not everything happens immediately and sometimes it is better and more authentic when it comes slowly.

• 4) Drink 2 litres of water a day (I've been a bit slack on this)

• 5) BE POSITIVE!!!

One down

And twenty to go.

I took my measurements today as well, and I'm shocked...  I am seriously back up to where I was last October/November.

sigh.

Ah well.  The important thing is that as I said below, I have learnt some great habits, and now I just have to work a little harder on establishing them.  With the knowledge that I have done this before behind me, I know that I will be able to do it again, it's just a matter of sticking to my habits and concentrating on getting my body out and about.

Earlier this week I was 9.8 (woohoo), so I was mildly disappointed when I was only one lb down today (instead of the 3 I was expecting); but I figure there's a good chance I'll catch up to last week's mid-week weight next week - and it is also a reminder that you really shouldn't weigh yourself in mid-week (and if you do, you shouldn't give the number any value)  ;-) 

Good luck to everyone!  Let's hope this week goes healthily and smoothly.

Big hugs,
xxN

Starting again

So I've changed my charts - here and at home - and am officially thinking of myself as at the beginning of a new healthier and thinner me.  I am still (just very barely - like by one lb) in the healthy weight range, so this journey is not just about getting healthy; it is about achieving a thinner, stronger, more toned physical me than I have yet done.  I want the physical me to match the one in my head.

I have three weight loss goals, each of 7 lbs.  Although I kind of gave up on being a BMI of 22, I also want to reach that.  So that is my overall goal despite not being in any particular hurry.  I have learned much healthier habits, but I have also learned that the old ones are waiting to pounce so this is also about establishing habits instead of just learning them.

It's weird cuz although the scale sez i have only gained 11 lbs, I am so aware of the changes to my body (the little overhang over the tops of my jeans), sitting is slightly uncomfortable because I'm trying to hide all these soft spots...  Despite this, I feel really positive and that it is possible to get back to where I was and that it is also possible to achieve my overall goal.

So yay for new paths and new journeys!  And yay for all of us on here who are reaching for these new steps!  And most of all, yay for staying positive.

A non-ep friend, Tiramisu, and I are doing a 10-12 lb challenge.  I'm not sure if we started this week (Mz T?) or next, but I know that we will meet our goals over the next two months!

big hugs,
xxN

jiggety jig

Hi all,

I've been away on a holiday and have just returned - it was fabulous!  I had such a good time seeing old friends, stomping around old stomping grounds and enjoying the bits of sun that decided to come out.

So please forgive me if I haven't checked out your blogs for a while, I've been far away from the computer and fully enjoying the refuge.

The real reason I'm here my weight loss friends, is because I've gained 11 lbs...

That's right.  11 lbs. 

I am now almost a stone over my goal weight.  I'm not that freaked out about it.  I fully expected to weigh more actually.  I know that this is the kind of thing that happens when you eat nutella and barbeque every day, washed down with celebratory drinks and laughter.  So all in all, I know I have some work to do, but it was totally and completely worth it!

Thanks to everyone at home for helping me enjoy 11 lbs so completely thoroughly ;-)

Home again, home again jiggety jig.

big hugs
xxZ

fat week....

I don't know what it is, but I am having a killer fat week.

I know I am not entirely sure about the shape and size of my body, but this week, I feel like I've somehow ballooned and doubled in size.  Technically i am the same weight I've been or been near for ages, but psychologically I look in the mirror and see a soft belly, love handles, thunder thighs and big arms.  All the things I thought I'd gotten rid of.  And I've been super active this week - cycling almost every day, swimming, squash and dancing - and still I feel gross.

Hopefully, I'll snap out of this soon.  I'm starting to think I'm going to have to lose another stone to get rid of my love handles and that is far beyond what my original goal was...

arg.

xxNina

PS - despite this, I am feeling like a non-smoker now!  Yay!

Freedom!

It's been a week and a half since I gave up smoking, and so far, it's gone really well!  Sure, I miss it and often have cravings, but I love not having to buy fags every day, I love that my clothes, hair, room smell better, and I love that breathing is easier - especially when I'm doing something physical.  And most of all, I love the sense of freedom I have - freedom from having to cart packages of fags around, fumble for lighters and constantly watching the clock to figure out when I can next escape and have a ciggy.  I feel psychologically lighter!

I still go for little 'walks' and short breaks with my smoking friends.  Those little breaks were one of my favourite things about smoking, and just because I'm not smoking any more, doesn't mean I have to give those up.  I think short breaks help your productivity in the long run.

As far as my weight goes, I'm around 9.0 which is good.  I'm still aiming for 8.12 and I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting there.  I'm not sure if it's some kind of body hangover, but I have days where I still feel fat and sometimes I think I still have a long way to go before I will be thin.  But my BMI is in the healthy range so I can't be fat right?  I think I am still pretty unsure generally about what my body looks like and I waffle between thinking there are *huge* changes in my size and shape to thinking there are none.

I've read similar issues from other people who have lost significant amounts of weight.  I find it strange and fascinating that our perceptions of our bodies are so subjective, so contingent upon mood, position in our monthly cycles, comments from others etc. 

On the exercise front, I've discovered swimming!  WOW!  For ages, I've not really enjoyed swimming because I don't really like to get my hair/head wet.  I've discovered that you can actually keep most of your head above water while doing lengths, and that lengths are really really good exercise.  I swam for 40 minutes with Mister and could immediately feel it in my inner thighs (notoriously difficult part of my body to exercise) and backs of my arms.  So cool!

Hope everyone else is having a great week and discovering new and wonderful ways of being free!

xxN

New goal...

So after some reflecting on people's comments (thank-you for sharing your thoughts), I have changed my goal to my original ww's goal.  I think I'm 9.4 now but I am happy to work slowly back to 8.12.  I figure I'll work on staying there for a while and depending on how I feel after maintaining (at 8.12) for a while, I'll reconsider my goals at that point.

I also wanted to send a *big* shout out to gaijingirl who has not only reached her healthy BMI (you *go* girl) which means she has lost over 100 lbs (and I have struggled with only 30, so can only imagine how incredibly awesome she must feel) - but has also finished her exams!!  Wooohoooo!

In my own world, things are ticking along and I've been busy with work and life.  I haven't been blogging much, I think because the whole weight loss thing has taken more of a back burner in my mind.  However, I am planning to quit smoking (omg - very scary) in 5 days so I imagine this will renew my concentration because I will be needing to do a whole assortment of distraction techniques in order to become smoke free.

I hope everyone is happy and doing well!!

big hugs,
xxNina

Changing things

Well, it's been a while since I've posted - not because things have been going badly but because I've been busy and distracted - mostly by interesting and happy things.  Work is still a little overwhelming, but it's like that enough that I know I'll get through, eventually.

Since I've joined this site, I've been wondering if maybe I'm happy where I am, if maybe my goals are a little unrealistic and if maybe I should just accept that a BMI of 23 is pretty good, at least for a while.  I'm nervous of accepting this because I don't want to gain weight, I want to - at least - stay where I am.

I went to the doctor the other day, and she said I was 'slight' (ha! that *still* surprises - and pleases - me).  I fit comfortably in a size 8, and sometimes I think if I lose much more I won't be able to shop in all those cheap clothing shops (which sadly, make up most of my wardrobe) because they *never* carry anything smaller.  And this size / weight is all new for me.

So I guess I'm writing now because I'm thinking of changing my goal to 8.12 (my original ww's goal) which is still a few pounds away.  It doesn't mean I won't at some point return to wanting to go that last 8 lbs, but maybe I should think about trying to stay here for a while, get used to this, to me, at this size and reconsider my weight loss plans after a while.  I still need to work on eating healthily (aka not binging) but I have developed some good eating habits - and I seem to be losing motivation for getting-my-head-down and saying-no-all-the-time kind of weight loss.

I don't know.  Anyone have any thoughts on this?  Will I be a failure if I move the goal posts up?  I am always so inspired by people who meet their goals and then some.  I like the idea of a bit of leeway but I think I'm struggling with the weight loss because I'm happy where I am...

haven't made any decisions, but thought I'd write about what I've been thinking about.

Hope you're all doing well!
xNina

PS - and a big THANK-YOU to sockster, roxie, divvy and noodles who commented and gave me compliments ;-)  Y'all rock!

good news all round

I have just completed a monster of a chapter that I have had to restructure and split into half chapter not only once but TWICE.  In total, I handed in 42 pages of what I think (at least at the moment and hopefully will continue to think at least until I get feedback from my supervisor) is reasonably coherent and interesting material.  I know the doubt will start to creep in once the sleep deprivation wears off, but HALLELUJAH!!!

It feels good to set goals and meet them, even if I was late and it was a long time coming.

On the weight loss front, I am 9.0 today, so two lbs down from last week (and combined with a hella stressful writing period - pats self on back).  I am the same weight I was a month ago, but given all the crazy emotional mood swings and 8 lb weight gain, I am pretty pleased with myself.

Also, it has now been a year since I started ww's and really started concentrating on eating healthily and trying to lose weight.  I could really see my healthier eating habits in play during the last two weeks.  Even when I was at my very worst 'writing / studying and it's 5 o clock in the morning and I could eat the entire house' - it didn't even occur to me to snack.  If I was hungry, I'd have a piece of fruit or something. 

So cool. 

In the last year I have dropped 32.5 lbs and established some pretty sound, satisfying and healthy ways of eating.

I hope anyone reading this is having a great week and is having great success in their weight loss and personal lives!

[yay me!  pats self on back and tucks herself into bed to catch up on some much needed zzzzz's]

xxN