10/23/2009 10:46
The Newest Fad Diet
I've discovered a new miracle diet. No, seriously. I think this is the one that will do the trick for me.
Medicated mouthwash.
Wednesday morning, I had to make that oh-so-painful pilgrimmage to the dentist, where the demon-hygienist-woman proceeded to spend the next forty-five minutes jabbing me in the mouth with sharp, pointy metal instruments, all the while urging me to keep still. I would have liked to tell her that the reason I couldn't keep still was because she was poking me with her sharp pointy tools and reflexively, I was pulling away from her instruments of torture. It wasn't that I mentally wanted to escape the pain - oh no! - it was that my body simply couldn't help trying to avoid it. But I couldn't tell her anything because she had me by the lip and gum, and anything I would have said would have come out completely garbled and accompanied by a healthy dose of slobber. So I kept my mouth shut, metaphorically speaking.
She lectured me about brushing twice a day with an electric toothbrush (which I own, but don't always use), flossing at least once a day (admittedly, a weak point) and then she brought out the big guns. Medicated mouthwash. Concerned about the state of my gums, she demanded I purchase said mouthwash and use it twice a day until I used up the bottle. After I crossed my heart and swore up and down I would do so, then, and only then, would she let me go.
Well.
Let me tell you something. In addition to killing any germs that might have the misfortune of being present in my mouth at this particular point in time, this particular form of witch's brew also kills off my taste buds. Seriously. Since starting to use it Wednesday night, I have not been able to taste a single thing. But you know what? Food becomes surprisingly uninteresting when it's tasteless.
I think I should try to market this concept. I could make a fortune, right??
quick, call and set up an infomercial before someone beats you to it!