There's been a bit of talk on EP lately about listening to your inner voice. About hearing the Thin Me inside of the Big Me and heeding the Thin Me. For me, it's less about listening to the Thin Me. It's more about digging down for She Who Wants To Be Fit.
Growing up, I wasn't fat. I can say this now, with some degree of confidence. I was chubby, I was pudgy, I was overweight compared to other skinny kids, but I wasn't fat. Even now, when I'm being rational, I can say to myself, "Self, you are not fat. You are carring some extra pounds, but you are not fat." And sometimes, Self agrees. When I was a kid, however, all I saw was that I was bigger than a lot of my peers, bigger than a lot of my friends. So I compensated in different ways. I was going to be smarter or get along better with others or be more creative or do anything to compensate for the fact that I didn't like and couldn't do sports like they did. This became something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because I convinced myself I couldn't compete at sports, I didn't even try. We had to play team sports during gym class, and then you had the option to be "competitive" or "non-competitive." I always took non-competitive, because why would I even try to play against other, fitter kids when I couldn't even keep up with the kids in my gym class? So I didn't try.
This mentality stuck with me for years. In high school, I played on the tennis team, because tennis was the one sport where I thought I was okay. My coach was a bitch. A bona fide bitch. I developed bad knee problems and was wearing a brace from my thigh down to my calf. She made us run double suicide sprints every practice, and if you came in last, you ran another sprint all by yourself. Soon, I was running double all the other girls, mostly due to knee problems, and had to quit eventually because my knees were giving out. My coach had no sympathy, and was glad I quit, since I was bringing the team down, in her eyes.
I threw myself into everything else at school - clubs, studying, the arts - basically anything to prove to myself and everyone else that even if I couldn't do sports, it didn't matter because I was damn good at other stuff. And I was.
But the fact is I created this mental space in which I existed as the Fat Smart Girl. She Who Wants To Be Fit did not factor into the equation. I may not have been able to compete on a fitness level, but I'd be damned if I couldn't compete in every other way.
And now? I'm fighting against the Fat Smart Girl image daily. But the only person I'm competing with now is myself. What I want is for the competition to stop. I want to sit Fat Smart Girl and She Who Wants To Be Fit down and make them sort out their differences. I want them to realize they can co-exist in a sphere where you don't have to the best, but you can take the best of both mental spaces and create a stronger, better, more balanced me.
Because that's the smart thing to do.
Posted By: Jenny*in*London
Comments to this post:
09/24/2008 03:26
Trader Joes
I would literally go crazy without that store. Not only can you get a fantastic bottle of cheap wine, but you always find some new fun thing!!! And my grocery bill is always way lower than anywhere else. It was shockingly high yesterday, though. Not sure why.
Omg, the party was soooooo much fun!!!! I had a great time and I loved the clothes. I'm hooked. I got a sweater on sale from the spring line....oh, you're gonna have to just read my blog for the rest of the details! :) LOL
I like that you have been having some great internal dialogues!! Reading your post has me thinking about what my 10 year old must be going through and it breaks my heart. I want her to be confident, but she is pudgy and has trouble in P.E. Its so hard to be a kid...and obviously, these things stay with us into adulthood.
I absolutely know what you feel like. Being bullyied badly at school for 10 years left it´s mark on me. Also being the tallest in the class untill I was 15 (taller than the boys, that is!!) and so pretty clumsy and also having been told all my life I was slow, clumsy and nogoodwhatsoeveratanysports made me stretch in music, school in general. But I was a loner......
Anyway, I still fight that. I constantly try to tell myself I don´t have to be best, it´s fine to just take part. But somehow that won´t always work...... A constant fight, but we will get there!!
I ditto what "noodles" said...I DO NOT SEE THE FAT SMART GIRL, I SEE THE LOVELY BRILLIANT FUN AND FIT GIRL...
I hope you do realize that even adults deal with idenitity problems and often take it out on others, how do you know that this coach did not have problems of her own and you became her scape goat??? think about it my child.
You and your inner self are doing just fine....you are daily working to bring that fitter girl to the surface....for that matter most all of us are doing the same thing. YOU ARE A WINNER...don't forget that. Blessings my friend. Chargail
You know... I read your post this morning and it rendered me speechless. Very smart, very insightful. It really resonated with some of my own body image issues. I felt like a cow in HS. When I gained 40 lbs between college and post-college life, I really felt like a cow. Would you believe my friend saw one of those supercow pics on my fridge and asked me "Is that your goal weight? You're so skinny!"
You, my blogger friend are:
an athlete
a smart lady
a good girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend, etc.
a successful, competent and proficient lawyer
a thoughtful and honest blogger
and I'm sure you have many other identities
We're all complex people, but, like many women, you are someone who always strives to do better and be better. And that's good. As long as you aren't mistaking wanting to be better with not being good enough.
I played tennis and soccer in h.s. and I have to say that while suicides were no fun, doing them alone would have not built any team spirit what-so-ever. How did she think singling out people who didn't finish in the right time would do anything other than to further segregate those people from the rest of the team? Sorry, I guess that story just hit a nerve with me. In soccer on long runs, if the whole team didn't finish in the allotted time, the *whole team* did the run again. That really made everyone do their best to cheer on everyone else.
In any case, 'nuff ranting. That coach sucked. Moving on. I would like to say that as an outside observer (someone outside your mind, that is), I do not see the Fat Smart Girl, I see the Lovely Brilliant Fun and Caring Girl who is a great friend.
