As you can see, it has been a few months and I am still around the same weight. I've had to do a lot of soul searching lately to be ok with this. Of course I want to be THIN, but in reality, I've never been thin. I've also not been this weight since 2001. In highschool I would flux between 134-155... which was quite an unhealthy flux. 134 when I wasn't eating, 155 when I did. So I'm 163 today. I can certainly eat A LOT more than when I started this bypass journey. It scares me sometimes. I don't ever want to gain the weight back. I don't act like I'm on a diet though. I try to keep myself in check... which is REALLY hard right now when I'm PMS'ing. I remind myself each day to think of my protein first. I try to drink more water. I did finally make it into those size 12's. So does that mean I'm no longer a plus size? Or is size 12 still a plus? I feel like a plus size, but there's always the mentality of "if I could just be a 10.. 8.. 6..." I'll always want more. Once I can get comfortable in my own skin, as it is, I should be happier. The truth is, if I really wanted to drop more sizes, I'd have to hit the gym hard. I could do that if I had the money, but I know me. I won't stick to anything for more than a month. So I have the option, yes, but I want to be realistic about MYSELF and who I am. I'm a slow moving lazy butt. That reminds me. Even with the iron, I'm still aneamic. If I don't take my iron I'm like a zombie. That causes problems some times, but I just have to be strict with my morning routine of getting in all my vitamins and medicine.
Other than the weight stuff, I got a puppy which I love to death. A little Boston Terrier. Or should I say Terror? Haha. I've also been dating. And the hardest thing of all is that I've been baking and selling my sweets. Everyday there are cookies in my house. How insane is that?
On the agenda for today is therapy and then I have happy hour with my coworkers. Yay!
In my last post I was pretty freaked out and disappointed in myself. I'm gonna try to not do that anymore. I've gone a long way. I'm not perfect by far when it comes to eating. I am a food addict and I have to live each day reminding myself of that.
It's coming up on Halloween. I think I'm going to be Marie Antoinette this year. My brother is having a party.
I went on a date with someone new and he's really nice.
On the downside I got into a car accident.
I'm otherwise going to be thinking positively from now on.
I just decided to randomly count my calories for the day. I had added it up to 1270 which I thought was high, and then I rememberd... I didn't count my lunch. Fuck. Left over tortillini from last night. I searched it online. 320 calories for a cup. I kind of overestimated everything, but I honestly didn't think it would be this high. That means that, today, I ate 1590 calories. How could I be consuming this much? I didn't think I even ate that many before surgery. I feel like a major fuck up right now. No wonder I'm not losing. Shit.
Well, the time has come. It has been 1 year since my surgery. I'm a slower loser than most. I have had a 3 month stall, but I'm still here. I'm still looking cute too! Here are the photos to prove it:
Well it's been a little over ten months since my surgery. I seem to be maintaining right now, but I'm not at goal. I mean, technically I could stand to lose 30 more pounds, but my goal is only 15 away. I'm not sure if this is a plateau or if I'm just screwing up. I'm going to try to be very cautious with my snacks now. I know I'm still not over 1000 cal. a day though. My body has changed to a size 12 pant and size medium top. I'm a bit flabby though. My arms dangle and my stomach is squishy. Other than that, I'm trying to remind myself of where I'm at. I've lost a drastic amount of weight and I need to give myself credit. I'm not perfect. I doubt I'll ever be a size 4. Before surgery, I was dying to just be back to a size 12. Now here I am. It's hard to see yourself differently though. I haven't updated my photos because the weight hasn't changed. So, it'd just be like taking the same photo again. I am much more healthy though. I can do so much more than I used to be able to. I'm still not very strong and I do have days where all I want to do is sleep, but today I washed and waxed my car and I didn't get winded. Before surgery this was a great and tiring task. I'm actually considering going swimming today, but I haven't shaved in like a week, so I'm holding off. I also haven't worn my bathing suit since right before surgery. I'm curious to see how it fits. So, in a nutshell, I'm trying to be more confident and less self concious. Hardly anything makes me puke anymore and I can eat a bit more so I have to be really careful. I still dump on sugar so that's good. I really require the restrictions that my RNY gives me because my will power is close to nill. That's about it!
67 pounds in nine months. That's what I've lost. The weight loss has kind of halted. I did, however, go down a pant size. I'm bordering on the next size down as well. I can get them on and button them, but they look too tight in the thighs. I'm not sure if I'm going to take comparison photos for this month or not. I've been losing and gaining the same pound all month. I might do it this weekend just to do it. If I don't stick with what I started I may stop completely. That's how this procrastinator works. I've been on antibiotics twice this month. The first time was for pneumonia and the second was for the eye surgery I just had last Thursday. I had a tumor removed. Maybe this next month will be better. The only thing that bums me out is that I see so many others passing me by in weight loss. I'm trying not to think about that though.
I found out I could fit into size 12 pants today. I didn't like how tight they looked in the thighs though so I stuck with 14's. I may start getting stuff taken in in order to save on clothes. Plus I have a few pieces I really like, but they're starting to get really baggy. The only thing is, I feel really flabby. That tends to happen when I actually shrink though. For some reason I always think I look bad only to find out I'm smaller. I think my body must be reshaping again. It makes sense considering the pounds aren't dropping off. That always happens with me. People are passing me by in weight loss that had their surgery after me. I'm not totally bummed about it. I mean, I'm hoping the slower weight loss means my skin will bounce back better.
Oh and I walked a mile today at lunch. That's pretty outstanding for me.
I've been really sick the past five days and am just now starting to feel better. So, I don't know if it counts or not, but I just weighed myself and saw I got down to the 160's!! 169 to be exact. Sick or not, it broke the plateau and I'm gonna do my best to not gain the weight back. I've been eating while I've been sick. Not very high protein foods though. I've mainly been nibbling here and there. So this leaves me at 19 pounds to my goal. 19 pounds seems like nothing compared to all the weight I've lost, but I know it'll be a hard 19 pounds. The last bit is always the toughest. I can't imagine getting lower than 150 though I know health wise I should. It just doesn't seem fathomable. Hell, weighing 169 seemed unfathomable less than a year ago. Thank god! That's all I can say.
Last week I weighed in at 173, but I didn't log it because I thought maybe it was water weight or something and I'd just suck it up until this weekend. Well, I just weighed myself this morning and I was at 173.5. I knew the weight loss would slow down eventually, but I'm not ready yet. Yes, I've not been 100% with my protein. I take snacks to work and eat chips. I know the chips are really bad. I see myself getting into old habits again. I'm not quite sure when things changed. It might have been around six months that the cravings for food came back. The head hunger demon. Before, I was so happy that I no longer WANTED food. I had hoped that feeling would never come back. Unfortunately it has. I know I should start working out too as I'm getting a bit flabby, but I am just too fricken lazy. I've always been lazy. I hate exersize. I wish I could go back to wanting absolutely nothing. I see people who had their sugery after me pass me up. I'm still trying to get into a size fourteen when others are into the single digits.
It's my birthday Monday so I've been partying it up this weekend. I went bowling last night, but I don't think I could blame that soreness either. I've been on my period all week. I can't blame that because looking back, the most I'd do is not lose. Sometimes I'd even lose more. My physical hunger is back. It's not like hunger was before surgery. It's like a little burning in my tummy when it's time to eat. It's the feeling you get right before your stomach would normally growl... only it never does.
I just don't think I've lost enough weight yet to stop losing. It's too soon. I'm not even a year out. I don't want to be a failure at this too. I had surgery for christ sake. If I can't lose weight with this then I'm just the biggest failure in the world in my eyes.
This sounds really horrible I know. I'm going to try and not be too down on myself. I know I'll want to weigh myself every day, but I'm just gonna try to be cool about it. I know these things happen.
Well this last month went by incredibly fast. I swear I just took my six month photos. This has been a really great month weight loss wise. It had started out at a short pause. I was at one of my old set points. I just waited it out while drinking my water and eating my protein. Getting all of my water in is still a goal for me. I bought a new water bottle and went crazy with the crystal light peach iced tea. It really helps. I drink decaf coffee in the morning with a little flavored non-dairy creamer and that helps get me started right. I eat atkins advantage bars for breakfast and make my lunch every single day. I try to walk a little bit faster to and from the parking garage every day as well. When I see my comparison photos (in my profile) now, I can see the huge difference, but I'm still having a huge problem being comfortable with my body. I feel squishy and my scars are pretty apparent. My boobs are shrinking and deflated. Mostly though, I don't understand the recent attention from guys. I feel like they have some kind of ulterior motive for wanting to be with me because I can't imagine anyone being attracted to me. I'm working on it. My therapist thinks that I get stressed and take it out on myself by attacking the way I look. So I'm trying to be a little easier on myself.
I hope everyone else is doing great and having a wonderful weekend. I still am very grateful and happy for my RNY!
