WARNING: Illogical rant below.. proceed at your own risk..
I'm sad today.
I'm guessing it is a lot of things that just hit me today of all days. It's my 25th birthday today. I'm 25 and this is what my life is. I think that we all think big when we are young about what kind of person they want to be at a certain age. I would make the younger me disappointed. I just thought that I would be something more than I am. I'm working towards the greater good with graduate school and all but birthdays are just the reminder that you aren't getting any younger and time is just flying by even when you don't want it too.
I think I also have a fear of getting old. Bryan says that I am very vain and it concerns him that I won't be able to age without letting every wrinkle, every ache get to me in some way. I know that it is inevitable, that we all get old, but I don't want to look old. I know people who are younger than me and look like their 30 and vica versa. I don't want to be 30 and look 40 which is why I'm trying to take care of myself. I don't go out in the sun without protection on, I wash my face with cleanser to help with lines/wrinkles/large pores, I'm losing weight, etc. I know when I lose the weight that I'm not going to have a 25 yr olds body. I'm going to have that sagging skin and I don't care who you are, that sucks. I hate that after all the work you put in, you have that skin to show for it. I mean geez, when does it get easy? Does it ever just get freaking easy? I just want to crawl into my bed and not get up. I haven't felt like this in a long time and I'm hoping that today is just an off day. I'm just sad.. and pathetic. I'm just so fed up with life.
I want to be more than I am.. and maybe one day I will be.. but for now, I'm just mad at me.. this is no one else's fault but my own. Don't we all need those days that we just cry and let everything out? I sure do.. and I guess no time is like the present, birthday or not.
Another thing that is bugging me is that I'm lonely. I haven't gotten any birthday wishes from the people who mean the most to me. My fiance did but we're not even celebrating my birthday until later in the week. I think I need a vacation. I'm sick of this redneck town, I miss the city. I don't know.. all I know is that I'm sad and the reasons why you'll have to tell me because I can't peg anything down.
I got to sleep-in which is ALWAYS awesome on the weekends! I made Bryan some breakfast and laid around for a little while. Then around 2:30pm I went to the gym and really worked out.
I did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine, 20 on the treadmill, chest/shoulder toning, and ab work. I feel great right now!
I've started some laundry and cleaned some of the mess which is my house. Bryan is doing the dishes right now and I'm just sitting here resting and listening to my music. We've ate the last two days all our meals from home. I always notice that if we limit the amount of times we go out, we always do better at Weight Watchers on Tuesday. We just get lazy sometimes and don't want to cook or we'll run out of food and not make it a priority to go to the store! It doesn't matter (for me at least) if I do order healthy at most restaurants, I'll still gain. I know that it is the portion sizes being so large and the fact that I'm not back there making sure they aren't putting butter/oil on everything. At least when I'm eating at home, I know exactly what I've put on everything.
So, the goal for this week is to get in my exercise and eat at home. I'm getting there, I feel it now!
I can tell you guys that I am very very happy that it is Friday and that I'll be out of work by 4pm today. I'm heading over to the gym after work today to work out. I worked out yesterday down at school with Inge. 20 minutes of cardio, 20 minutes of toning. It was all I had time for but I'm glad that I did it because I really needed it.
This weekend is going to be pretty uneventful but that's okay. I have to catch up on my school reading anyway. I plan to go to the gym Saturday and Sunday. I'm hoping that I will go. I think once I start working out regularly again, I'll be okay. The eating hasn't been too terrible but we really need to start eating at home more and out less. I have a 5 lb weight loss 3 weeks ago during the week that Bryan and I didn't go out to eat at all. So, that tells me a lot.
I'm having one of those fat days. Where you just feel fat and nothing you do changes that feeling. I'm tired of feeling this way so that's a start. I do want to change and I'm doing whatever I need to in order to change. I can't be like this forever. I can't be sad forever.
It's funny how your mental image of yourself affects all aspects of your life. I.E. my relationship with Bryan, with coworkers, with strangers, out in public, etc. I want to change that image and that is a step in the right direction!
Well, back to work for ONE more hour!!!
~Jenn
"For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost" Luke 19:10
Well, I may be new to this site but weight loss is definitely not new for me. I have been on Weight Watchers since June 2005. To date I have lost 70lbs.
I have lost a lot of my motivation just from pure laziness I think. I have started graduate school, work full-time and am getting married next May. So, there is definitely a lot going on in my life and trying to fit my weight struggles in with it has been taking the back burner lately.
I'm hoping that with any luck, with talking about this here, it'll give me some incentive to actually work for this. I am happiest when I am losing weight so I don't know why I don't stay motivated. I hope to meet some motivational people here that I could talk too.
