Sometimes I don't understand why I binge eat. I know others do not understand this. I broke down a couple of weeks ago and told my mom that I was a binge eater and that sometimes it gets so bad that I just gorge until I get sick. She told me that she and Dad knew when I was in high school that I binged but that they didn't know what to do about it. They would find food wrappers and dishes in odd places but they didn't know how to help or approach me with the fact that I had a problem.
The Mayo Clinic defined binge eating as "overeating becomes a regular occurrence, shrouded in shame and secrecy. It's called binge-eating disorder, a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food". When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But, you feel such a compulsion that you can't resist the urges and continue binge eating.
What are the symptoms? A binge is considered eating a larger amount of food than most people would eat under similar situations. When you have binge-eating disorder you often have numerous behavioral and emotional signs and symptoms. The ones that I currently have are: Eating large amounts of food, eating even when you're full, eating rapidly during binge episodes, feeling that your eating behavior is out of control, depression, anxiety, frequent dieting without weight loss, hoarding food, hiding empty food containers, and feeling depressed/digusted/upset about your eating.
Causes
Psychological. Psychological and emotional characteristics may also contribute to the condition. You may have low self-worth and trouble controlling impulsive behaviors, managing moods or expressing anger.
Sociocultural. Modern Western culture often cultivates and reinforces a desire for thinness. Although most people who have binge-eating disorder are overweight, they're acutely aware of their body shape and appearance and berate themselves after eating binges. Some people with binge-eating disorder have a history of being sexually abused.
Like I told my mother, I don't eat because I find it pleasurable. It is more like cutting myself, punishing myself by hurting myself. I'm hoping that it will get better but I'm unsure what to do now. I've admitted to this... now what? I'm just kind of lost.. I just need to concentrate on what is making me do this... that's the hard part unfortunately.
Well, it has been quite a bit since I updated this.
I have had lots of things going on in my life.
In May, I got married to Bryan! We went on our honeymoon to Las Vegas!
I've been super busy at work and we've been out of town 8 weekends out of 10. We are just now starting to get back to normal from the wedding.
I gained some weight back, through working all the time and the wedding, honeymoon, vacations, it was bound to happen. Well, maybe not bound to happen, but I did let it happen.
I've been working my low-carbness again. I'm seeing a new doctor who is evaluating my insulin levels to make sure that I'm on the correct doses of my medicines. I'm tired of being fat, I'm just trying to be more comfortable with myself.
I've been really good the last week and a half since I've come back to controlling my eating. I'm going to the gym for the first time in a very long time this afternoon. Half-scared, half-proud :) I'm going to try to blog as much as possible. With work being stressful here lately (coupled with the fact that I don't feel like blogging at home) it has been difficult. I'm going to give it a try though, anything is worth trying. That's all I can do!
Well, I'm guessing that it is time for me to have a real update
Things on my end have been pretty hectic. I started school back last week. This semester is definitely going to be more difficult and more work will need to be accomplished. So, that keeps me busy 2 nights a week. I have choir on Wednesday nights. I only have 2 nights a week that I'm kind of free. During the weekend, I've been trying to get this wedding more a reality.
This weekend was very productive in respect to the wedding.
We are moving the reception to a different location. The previous location was alright but the space was very awkward and it would be very cumbersome in order to use the space correctly. We saw the new location last Saturday. My wedding planner (yes, I did get a wedding planner), found it and it is perfect. It has a disco ball and a chandelier with a 40 by 40 dance floor! :) It'll be a little more expensive but this is the only thing that I'm actually spending more money on. Everything else we have done has been under budget. We bought the flowers for the day, we solidified the cater, we fixed up the bridal registries. My dress should be in this week (finally). I'm ready just to get this done and over with. It's a lot of work that you are never ready for until you are actually planning your own wedding. I'm having a wedding shower on Feb 2nd which should be fun. My mom is bringing baby Ayden!! He's eating baby cereal now, he's growing so fast!
Work has been hectic. I don't have time to even think yet alone update my journal. It's funny, they aren't paying me anymore but I have all the responsibilities of a senior level position. I got a call from a different opportunity that may be interesting.. I'm going to check it out.. I'm secretly hoping that I get an offer that I can't refuse, I really do. I love all the people that I work with but I'm not very happy with the work itself though I'm good at it. I don't know, we'll see what happens, can't worry about something that hasn't happened. They called me today, we'll see if they call me back tomorrow hopefully asking for an interview.
I've been keeping up with my low carb diet and it has been positive. I'm losing weight steadily and am the lowest weight I have been in 6 years or so. I'm hoping that I can drop another 30lbs before the wedding, if I keep up with it, it will definitely happen. I have faith in myself, only I can control my own life. And I'm happy with my life right now. Though I'm stressed a lot of days because of work stuff, I'm happy with where I am in my personal and academic life. I'm bettering my health, I'm preparing to be a wife and hopefully soon a mother. I really want to be a mom, I've been having the baby itch for the last couple of years but especially since Ayden was born. He is my angel, I love him like he's my own. But, I do know that we need to wait because we aren't ready yet. We need to get a little more settled into married life and figure out where we are going to go from here. Are we going to stick around here or go back to NC? If so, how many more years? Am I going to work when we have kids or be a stay-at-home mom? Just a lot of questions that will have to be answered in the right way and at the right time.
Well, I need to get back to work!
Thanksgiving went pretty well. Bryan and I went down to his parents house on Wednesday night and came back Sunday night around 6pm. I did so aweseom on the low-carb diet. I did not cheat. No pie, no stuffing, no casserole, no bread. I stuck to my guns and am a better person because of it. Weigh-in at Weight Watchers was 253lbs! I dropped another 3.5lbs! Yay for rewards! I will die if I'm in the 240s by the end of the next week. I will just fall over dead but happy. Just seems like everything is going my way! The last time I weighed under 250lbs was about 7 years ago. I don't even remember what it was like. Just to think that I'm in the bottom half of the 200lbs just makes me incredibly happy like maybe I can do this afterall. I'm just so happy to have my motivation back!!! :)
Hey everyone! Hope all are having a fabulous weekend! Mine is going just peachy.
The low-carb thing has been going surprisingly well. I have not cheated but am making sure to have plenty of veggies, some fruits, very lean meats. It's really not all bad. I even made two desserts today for a church function tonight and I didn't lick the spoon or anything. I made Bryan my official taste tester. The strange thing is that I was 267lbs last Tuesday at WW. This morning I weighed in at 255.6lbs! I know this weight loss is drastic and a bit large but like all new diets, you always have a larger weight loss the first week than any other. I'm certain that it will level off again just like WW did. But I can't lie, you don't know how good it feels to be in the 250lbs!!! :) Other than that I've been cleaning the house and getting some things done that I've been putting off.
Well, I just wanted to do a quick update. I'm about to go call the videographer for the wedding about his deposit. I hope everyone has a great night and happy losing!!
Today has been a pretty good day, mostly because it is FRIDAY! :) YAY!
I'm doing just fine. I had my test tonight and I think I did just fine! I've been studying like a mad woman! But, now I get to relax and enjoy my weekend and Thanksgiving vacation! :)
I wanted to talk about what happened at my doctor's appointment the other day. Well, I've been plateaued for a while now. I've tried different things to jump start it but nothing has been working. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and hypothyroidism. My doctor is a reproductive endocrinologist. He told me that he's concerned about my weight not moving and he wanted me to try cutting out carbs this month. Women with my condition do have better hormone balance with low carb dieting. I told him I was scared of low carb because I've never done it and I've always been against the extreme kind. He put me on an appetite suppressant and we discussed what exactly he meant by low carb dieting. For one month, he wants me to cut out as many carbs (mostly the processed sugar/flour variety) as I can. I asked if I could still have fruit and he said yes but keep it to about 2 servings a day and the rest fill with veggies. He said don't do the atkins thing and cover everything in fat and oil because that's not going to help. He said still be fat savvy but to cut out the breads, the processed sugar, the potatoes. So, that's what I have been doing the last couple of days. It's not been hard yet. I feel like it is pretty similar to Core. I would appreciate any support on this. I love my doctor and I've been going to him for a while now. I trust him and it's only for a month. He said after a month that we would discuss how to bring carbs back in healthy moderation to my diet.
But you know what? I've been less hungry. That's a good thing right? I hope so. So, we'll see. One month can't be that bad and if it gets to hard then well I'll just have to come on here and vent about it! :) I hope you are all having a fabulous Friday and have a great weekend!!!! Please pray for me!!
~Jennifer
By day or by night, the people could travel on their way, because God was with them, guiding them all the time. Exodus 13:22
It has been a crazy past couple of days. I am training a new girl at work so that takes up most of my workday.
Yesterday's Food Log:
Breakfast
Smart Start Cereal with skim 5 pts
Lunch
Sandwich - 3pts
Apple - 2 pts
Banana - 2 pts
Almonds - 3 pts
Snack
Hazelnut latte with skim milk at the Max Max 5pts
Dinner
Half a grilled veggie sandwich 5 pts
fries 10 pts
Total: 33 pts
Didn't get to exercise yesterday because Bryan and I had a videographer meeting from 6 to 8pm. But, I'll make up for it today. Tuesdays are my weigh-in days, so weigh in is tonight. Be thinking about me please!!
The studying and work are taking up most of my time so if I'm a little slow writing, you guys will know why but I'm definitely reading your blogs and thinking about you!! :)
I'm going to go ahead and list my food log for today so far just in case:
Breakfast
Kashi Honey & Flaxseed Cereal with skim 4 pts
Lunch
Salad Bar & Pizza at Pizza Hut (work lunch blah!!!!!) 20pts
Dinner
Probably just a can of WW soup and a chef salad
Snack
To be determined based on dinner points!
Well guys, I hope you have a marvelous rest of the day! Back to work, home, WW, then studying until my eyes pop out!!!
Well. It has been a crazy last few weeks. Full of stress, saddness, madness, and definitely craziness.
After being sick, taking Exam #2 in Analytical Chem (which I got a 94 on!!), visiting the family, finding out how Bryan's friend died.. we just have been sad. Eating out all the time and that has definitely taken its toll. I went back up to 270lbs! This week is a bit better. I'm already back down to 265lbs but it's really no excuse to keep doing this yo-yoing to myself. We're eating at home this week and it has been good because we have food that would have been spoiled if we hadn't and I hate to waste money.
I've got a solo in Choir at church on Sunday. It's kind of scary since it is my first one but I'm not really concerned. I have the practice CD and that's what I've been doing in my spare time and during my lunch hour at work.
Going to work out with Inge today down at the University. Since I'll be taking two classes next semester we'll be able to work out even more. I like having a friend to go with, makes it less drab/boring. I worked out with her last week and man it's been a while. My goal for this month is to workout more. I really miss the workout high you get after you go bust your ass for an hour. It makes you feel to good and that you can do anything.
I got hit on a couple of weekends ago (before all the craziness went on). It was very strange. It was with a guy whom I've known but not really ever talked too. He's best friend's with my best friend's husband. Well, Terry and I go to take a couple of her work friends home from this Halloween party and we run into Nathan. I've known Nathan since when I dated Brad (Terry's cousin). He was three sheets to the wind. I mean drunk drunk. So, we're hanging out outside (Terry, Nathan and myself). Nathan starts asking me all sorts of questions like "Do you think I'm ugly?" "Do you think I'm stupid?" "I think you are hot but you think I'm ugly don't you?". I answer these questions with the "What? No I don't think you are ugly or stupid". He tells me "You're hot". By this moment I'm wide-eyed and wanting to leave. He stood in front of me and I turned my head away to try to give him the hint that I was not interested and when I turn back not only is he trying to grab my breasts, he tried to kiss me. I shoved him backwards (not hard but enough to knock him back a couple of steps). This kind of behavior continues for like another 20 minutes before we got elected to take him and his friend home, seeing how drunk they were, they were not going to driving anywhere. So, we drop the friend off and then we go to Nathan's and he wouldn't get out of the car. He just sat there saying "No, no.. I'm not going to my house, I'm going to Terry's house". Terry turned the car off and said "We'll sit here as long as it takes for you to get your butt out of my car". About 20 minutes later he finally got the hint and left. I was mortified. I tried to pull out any and every card I could to tell him no and the reasons why. For one, I'm ENGAGED (he's met Bryan). He said "So?". What a great answer :-p For two, I dated and hurt pretty badly one of his best friends. I'm sure somewhere in the guy handbook this isn't a good idea but he didn't seem to care. For three, I'm ENGAGED and he's MET Bryan!!!!!!!!! People ask me why I don't drink, and there ya go. I don't because I would be as crazy as Nathan was. So, we'll see what happens the next time I go up there and how awkward that will be.
I don't like getting hit on. Terry asked me if it felt good to be called good looking. I told her No! I felt awkward and very much out of my element. The only guys who I've ever dated, I've hit on myself. Because as long as it is on my terms, I'm comfortable. Blah. Gave my nerves a good shaking, that's for sure.
I don't even know why I went into that story but I felt like writing about it so I hope you enjoy it. I guess I should be flattered that a drunk drunk guy tried to get me to make out with him... but it just made me feel cheap.
Well, I'm done babbling today. But I'm getting back on the weight loss track so prayers are appreciated and welcome!! Thank you everyone (especially you Changes!!!) for your support and motivation.
No, I'm not dead, just been busy with life. I went and saw my brother graduate Basic Training two weekends ago and then saw my other brother's baby that was just born on Oct 4th. And for some reason, in the midst of all that traveling I got very sick. I was out of work for three days and barely left my bed. But, a lot better now. I have just been playing catch up since then. I have my second test this week in analytical chem and I've been busy reading and studying for that.
Well, I've got to head on, I'm helping interview someone today at work and then I've got to run out and get some breakfast because I am starving. And then it's back to studying but pretending to work at the same time. Joys. Can't wait for this weekend!
