Not too badly. I went over my points a little, but I just don't know how many. And I did my best to make sure it wasn't horrible food. (Sorry, I had typed up more details, but I hit the wrong button and it was gone! So I'm retyping this with less details.)
The good thing is that I recognized when I was full and I stopped. I wanted to keep eating, but I stopped.
So I was thinking about why it happened. I have no idea what brought it on. But I think I know what usually prevents it. I'm used to binging at night. Lately, though, I know how many points I have left at night and I refuse to go over them, even if it means going to bed starving. My problem tonight was that it started with the Rice-a-roni, and I had no idea how many points it was. Not knowing how many points is in something drives me crazy. So I got into the mindset of "yeah, I just used up most of the points I had left for the day, but I'm still hungry so I'm going to keep eating."
I haven't been as strict point-wise as I usually am, and I think that needs to change. Another issue I've been having: there's this chinese restaurant down the street, and I love their broccoli and rice w/ brown sauce. I practically inhale that stuff. But how many points is it? A cup of rice is 4 points, but they definitely serve you more than a cup of rice. And what's the brown sauce made of? So it could easily be over 10 points, but I don't know what to count it as!
Anyway, I've now typed the same entry twice. I was going to write more about personal issues, but I think I'll wait on that. I'm getting tired and I REALLY need to be studying, but I'm kind of waiting on a phone call from... well, I'll call him "B" when I explain in the future. (I'm still deathly afraid of someone I know finding this blog!) Lol, I want to keep typing about it but I'm too tired, so it will have to wait.
I guess I'm in a better mood. Even though TOM chose stay for an extended length of time :(
I think I may have gained. Of course, I really have no idea because I weigh myself way too often, and it could just be attributable to TOM. (Funny how we all make sure to mention that - such a great excuse!)
I wasn't great on plan yesterday, but my brother got married, so I'm totally excused! And I'm sure I stayed within my 35 flex points. I did make good choices, though: instead of having a piece of cake, I had a bite of my mother's and was satisfied. We went out to dinner, and while everyone else got fried seafood and fettucinne, I had a bowl of seafood gumbo - while not the absolutely healthiest choice, it's not THAT bad. Besides, my mother, who's supposed to be on WW with me, totally had fried catfish. And cake. The worst thing for me was the alcohol, but even with that, I avoided having really sugary, high-calorie drinks and instead stuck with beer and vodka tonics. And not drinking was not an option - I was not happy about this marriage ceremony! I'm not very fond of my new sister-in-law, but I have to learn to make the most of it.
I really want to make my 10% goal this week. It's definitely doable, it only requires a 1 pound loss from last week. I don't want to be disappointed if I fall short, though!
On "the guy." After another unanswered call (I haven't called since Thursday), I left a slightly unfriendly text message asking him to call me back. I can make an excuse for him and say he could be at work. What's sad on my part is that I really don't want him. I don't want anything from him, except to know what went wrong from his standpoint! But if I don't hear from him, I plan to email him and tell him what I REALLY think tomorrow. Then I'm moving on and will allow myself to be HAPPY again!
There's another guy I've been talking to through email, and he said he wanted to meet me. But after this past experience, I'm scared. The two guys seem so similar - from the same city, though the one I met lives here now and the other one still lives some distance from me. The new guy also said I was cute in my picture - again, not a full-body pic. Definitely worried about that - he works out. Very cute, too. Muscular arms - I'm such a sucker for those. And he's preparing for med school - that's totally an attractive quality. But um, I was supposed to call him like, a week ago. Maybe I'll give him a call tomorrow. Talking to him will either cheer me up or the weight thing will make me more upset - which is the real reason I haven't called yet.
I have so much schoolwork to do, I need to get my ass in gear! I have a huge exam Wednesday and since I can't get out of work, I'll probably be skipping some classes Tuesday.
I guess I’m starting to get more into the emotional issues that come along with this weight loss, huh? I don’t suppose that’s a bad thing, I probably need to get it out. So I’ll attach a disclaimer: the following only has a little to do with weight loss.
So I was with an ex-boyfriend the other night. And I really shouldn’t have been with him. No, I REALLY shouldn’t have. First we’ll get this out of the way. Why was I with him? Sometimes it’s just nice to be with someone who cares. Now, I will never BE with him again. And there are extremely complicated issues preventing us from being together in the first place. But I know he likes me for who I am. To him I’m still attractive. I’ve always been attractive to him. I’m about 15 pounds heavier now than I was when I met him. I remember being uncomfortable at that weight, and I remember telling him I needed to lose weight. His response was “no, you’re just right.” But even at 222 pounds, he liked me the same, fat and all.
Again, why was I with him the other night? Convenience, I guess. I’d been depressed all week, and I just wanted to be next to someone who I know cares about me. That’s all.
But it’s strange. I’ve been noticing lately (and I say lately, but please be assured I really don’t see him often) that he’s been calling people fat. Like, he’ll say “I ran into so-and-so the other day. He works here, he does this, and he’s still fat.” So I said to him, “You’ve been calling people fat a lot. Do you call me fat behind my back as well?” His reply was “You’re not fat. You’re chubby.” I thought that was kind of sweet. Hell, what can you expect, he’s not going to lie and tell me I’m skinny! Take what you can get, I guess. Regardless, his comment doesn’t bother me, because I still know he likes me for who I am. He likes me chubby. It makes no difference to him.
There just aren’t enough guys out there like that!
Maybe my problem is that I’ve been feeling lonely lately. The guy I went out with last week really has me concerned. He’s really not returning phone calls – not that I’ve called him a lot (3 times in the past week). I’m afraid to call again, I don’t want to seem like a psycho. And I even said myself it probably wouldn’t work out between us. But – it bothers the hell out of me that he’s not talking to me now. God, this is a story in itself. After dinner he told me, “you don’t talk much. You don’t eat much…” I told him “it just takes a while for me to open up, and I don’t eat much because I’m on a diet.” And he said “so is that your hang-up? Are you afraid of the way you look?” I said “no.” And he said “Good… because I’m not really concerned with superficial stuff like that.” So really, my weight shouldn’t be the issue. I just don’t know what is! It’s okay if there’s no connection. I understand. I get it. But to be avoiding me? I didn’t do or say anything wrong!
I could really blab on and on forever tonight.
Final Thought:
I have to remember, though, that I didn’t put this weight on overnight. It took 22 years. It doesn’t matter how fast it comes off, as long as it’s still coming off. And it is. I have to remember that.
I've been feeling really, really crappy lately. It's kind of odd, I'm like the opposite of an emotional eater. When I get upset over certain things (just certain things, though) I tend to not eat. Have you ever heard someone say they forgot to eat? While I'll never understand how anyone could ever forget to eat, it's kind of like that. My mind's racing so much with thoughts of why I'm upset that I just don't feel like getting up and going to the kitchen. Actually, sometimes I tell myself not to eat because eating is what got me to this place and is the reason I often find myself unhappy. I know this isn't healthy. I'm way under my points today, but I was way over yesterday so I'm claiming it doesn't matter and I'm calling it even.
But really, what did I go over on yesterday? Bad stuff, yeah, but not much food. Lots of wine. Lots. So much that I got drunk, sobered up, then got drunk again. Not much food. Just bad.
So now I'm at this point. First, my brother's getting married by a justice of the peace Saturday. Mom keeps wondering what she's going to wear, and I keep asking her whether or not the dress I was going to wear is appropriate (because it's black). She avoided the question several times, and today she said "I just don't think it fits you." I told her "Mom... I've lost 25 pounds." And she was just like, "yeah, but does it fit you?" I mean, thanks for the vote of confidence, all I really wanted to know was whether the color was okay!
And then, I hate cameras and I hate having my picture taken because I see the results and think "that can't be me, I can't be that big, I can't look that horrible." But I do. I saw myself on one of those store surveillance television screens. What the public sees is not the way I feel, and that depresses me so much. Because I don't feel like I'm as big as I am. But I am.
So yeah. I've lost a good bit of weight. I'm losing pretty fast, considering. Things are going pretty smoothly, considering. But I can't help but wonder when I'm really going to feel a payoff? What is it going to take? Smaller clothes sizes doesn't really do it for me. I want to SEE results. I want other people to NOTICE results. But... and I'm acknowledging that I'm doing a great job... it kind of scares me that I still feel like I felt when I was 25 pounds heavier. Still obsese. I am still obese. Maybe it's time to take more progress pictures.
Don't worry, I'm not giving up. I'm keeping at it. Maybe it's just society. You're either thin or you're fat. Most people don't see an in between. If you're a little overweight, you're fat.
Further than the weight issue, what am I really upset about? That guy. Of course. And I'm not here to bitch about him. It's myself. I made a mistake, which probably isn't as bad as I'm punishing myself for. People make the same mistake all of the time on a constant basis. I just can't bring myself to forget it or get over it. I don't know. I thought things were different. And I don't understand the situation. And I'm angry at myself. I'm upset with him, but if I hadn't made that mistake I wouldn't care so much right now. I'm sorry, I'm trying not to say too much here, but if you can imply something from this you're probably right. If the situation were different... if he would talk to me I think I could get over it. But no, I need to understand everything and I don't understand this.
I'm off to submit my grad school application. I really hope tomorrow's a better day.
After a bad Sunday I was surprised and happy to see my weight go back down again. I really needed that. I'm really close to my WW 10% goal, and soon after I should get my 25 pound loss magnet. Really, counting everything, I've already reached my 10% goal. So of course, I'm still slightly bitter they started my card over, but whatever, I'll get there soon!
I guess that's all I have to report for now, I'm really tired and stressed about the next 6 weeks of school, finals, graduation, and moving! I want to fast forward to May already!
I think food really affects my mood. Maybe it doesn't. After all, what I ate and the way I feel right now are in no way related. All I really know is that I feel so crappy right now.
I guess I'll start with the food. Not that it matters because it's not going to be the death of me. We had Easter brunch at someone else's house. I did okay, had just a little bit of everything. The problem is that their baby turned 1 year old yesterday, and they had a little party today. So the cake and ice cream is what did me in. But I didn't eat before leaving, and I don't plan to eat again today. I'm back on track tomorrow, counting my regular 25 points and doing this right, not trying to cut back 5-10 points each day to make up for what I ate. That's probably why I gained those 2 pounds in the first place - not eating.
But on to the real reason I'm venting...
I have two brothers, neither of whom are talking to me, for different reasons.
I'm just tired of feeling stuck. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere.
It's no lie that being thinner makes life easier. I often think my brothers are ashamed to be in public with me, their fat sister. I wonder if my parents are too.
And I know I don't talk about it, but I still think back to that letter my dad wrote me a year ago. "You should really consider joining a gym. You used to be a beautiful little girl."
Yeah... I guess I used to be. Now, I'm not even pretty unless I've spent hours straightening my hair and applying makeup. And even then... I'm still fat.
I'll be okay. I just feel so crappy right now. and I don't want to call anyone because I don't think anyone wants to hear about it.
I don't usually talk about personal issues on here, I just feel like I have nowhere else to go right now. I overheard my mom whispering on the phone with my brother, asking if I was invited to his marriage ceremony next weekend. And I can't leave my room because I can't stop the tears.
The light at the end of the tunnel? Thank God I don't consider myself an emotional eater and I'm still full from this afternoon. Otherwise, I'd be in the kitchen right now.
I knew that huge loss was too good to be true. I somehow weigh 2 pounds more today. I know, I went to the casino the other night and drank lots of wine. Then Thursday night on the date I had 2 tacos and 2 margaritas. I know I went over my daily points. But I attempted to compensate for them, eating less the days after. Apparantly this was to no avail. I stopped trying to compensate. After all, I know I didn't go over my 35 allowance points, I was just trying not to use them. So how in the world did I gain 2 pounds?!
As far as the date went... it went... fine. Um, he just wasn't really what I expected. I was unsure of things, but I saw him again today, and lets just say... I'm kind of disappointed. I don't know. He's a nice girl. He likes me. That's great. I don't think we're compatible. And that's okay, I'm more upset at myself for going to see him today. I'll get over it.
I'm going to bed. I'm obviously not in a happy mood tonight!
I'm sticking with this. Barring pregnancy, I'm vowing to never see the scales go over 199.9 when I step on it! Ever!
I went to an earlier WW meeting today. Lost 3.4 pounds in the last week, but I'm really wondering how much of that is simply because I weighed in in the morning instead of my usual evening. I just hope I don't have a "false gain" at next week's weigh-in because of it!
And I don't know if it was the leader or what, but for the first time on this journey, I found myself actually enjoying the meeting. I actually left happy that I had gone. There was no awesome message or anything. Maybe I liked that there were fewer members there? The smaller meeting allowed for more members to share their stories. One woman's .5 pounds away from a total weight loss of 50 pounds. Another older woman who uses a walker has lost 35 pounds. The stories really are motivating.
But I also realized something about myself. I think I'm definitely, finally, at the point where I'm not turning back. I'm to the point where if I do mess up one day, or an entire weekend, I'm right back on track Monday. Going back to my old habits doesn't seem anywhere close in the future. I know what I ate and how much I ate of it before. And I'm too embarrassed to even type it. It's no mystery how I got this big! I don't want to go back to that point ever again.
Most importantly: I'm happy! I feel so great about myself for doing this. And I'm not a typically happy person. I battled depression as a teenager and have always had a rather negative attitude towards everything. But I'm truly happy! I really need to do this for myself. Everything else will fall into place on its own. But this, I need to do.
So I have a date tomorrow night. Umm... haven't really met the guy yet. We met online and exchanged pictures, emailed and talked on the phone. He said I was really pretty in the picture. But it wasn't a full body picture. I'm still very concerned about the weight issue. I mentioned that I was "overweight" but was successfully dieting. I didn't really want to add that according to my BMI I'm obese!
I decided I needed a new outfit to wear for this date so I don't look frumpy!
I know I was going to wait to go shopping. But I've lost over 20 pounds and my clothes are getting looser... and baggy clothes aren't flattering at all. While I'm getting smaller, of course no one can tell if my body's hiding behind huge clothes!
I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I knew I would buy the next smaller size than I'm currently wearing. To my surprise, they fit extremely well. I was expecting them to be tight, but they're reall not. Putting my current jeans back on, I realized how loose they've gotten. I'm going to try to hold off on buying more until I fit into even the next lowest size (12). Don't know if that will happen by May, but I can try!
As for tops... I made sure to buy tops that fit but aren't exactly loose because I want to be able to wear them for a while. Actually, I only wanted to buy one for the date, but I came out with 4. I figured since I'll be shopping in May anyway, if these don't fit in May and I haven't worn them, I can still bring them back.
My problem? I hate my arms. Two of the tops are 3/4 length sleeves. The other two have short sleeves, but they show off my huge flabby arms! I have it narrowed down between 3: the two short-sleeves and one of the 3/4 length. But I'm not sure the 3/4 sleeve will be appropriate for where we're going. Not that we've decided where we're going yet... out for drinks for sure, but he mentioned maybe "getting a bite to eat" first. At least I have options!
Maybe I'll post pictures of me in the different tops to try to get opinions.
My brother has a habit of commenting on everything I put in my mouth. "How many points is that?"
We went to a steakhouse last night. I had been craving a hamburger, so I got one. And of course, I was asked the question. My response? "I don't know. But I have 14 points to use up for today, 7 points I didn't use yesterday, and 35 points for my weekly allowance. This hamburger (w/o mayo or cheese!) probably isn't more than 20 points, so I think I'm good!"
I told him that I've lost 20 pounds and he should give me a break. And do you know what he said? Really, I can't tell!
Ok, so I know. I've taken before pictures, and I took more pictures last week. And I do notice differences in those pictures. But here's the thing: I also know that 20 pounds lost on a big person isn't nearly as noticeable as 20 pounds lost on a little person!
So no one has commented on my weight loss yet. I don't expect them to. 30-40 pounds lost? Yeah, I expect people to notice. Not 20. Besides, they were nice enough not to comment when I put on 20 pounds in a year!
I just wish I didn't have to explain away everything I eat, especially when I'm still on plan!
