Pizza!

Mom dragged me along to a food-tasting party tonight. www.wildtree.com They say it's all natural, healthy stuff, but I do wonder how many points were in all the oils and beer bread I just consumed!

Then mom brought home pizza for my dad and brother (who's not even here right now). I picked the smallest slice and at it... I soo want another piece, but I'm having to tell myself I don't need it, and if I let myself have it I probably won't stop at 1. God, my stomache's growling! I think I might go for it. I deserve a treat =/ So 1 more piece and that's it! I have 35 flex points I haven't been using lately... might as well.

This is bad.

OMG I want candy!

Pictures are posted

I finally got up the nerve to post pictures. There are more personal ones I'm going to keep personal (not fully clothed, don't want those online!) I just don't want someone I know in RL to find this and read all my personal details!

Anyway, WI this morning showed a loss of 3 pounds. Awesome, yes, but my happiness was short lived.

I've been saying lately that I need motivation. That's not true. Motivation's not the word. I have motivation. I'm motivated enough to have come this far and I'm motivated enough to keep going. What I'm lacking... is enthusiasm, maybe? A sense of pride? I have neither, and I think those two things are both important. If I don't have those, I'm still the same fat person I was before I began this journey.

In many ways, if feels like I'm just starting. 30 pounds is what I've lost - but it feels like very little. 30 pounds is a lot! My niece weighs less than 30 pounds, and she's heavy! But I don't feel like I've lost that much. I'm still very fat.

You know, I wish I were taller. 190 on someone who's 5'1" looks much different than 190 on someone who's 5'8"!

Anyway... 30 pounds on someone my size still just isn't enough for anyone to notice. I even saw people today I haven't seen since I weighed 220 last December. No one said a thing. Because they still see "just a fat person."

And yeah, society's the same way. Society sees a fat person and brushes them off. Society doesn't know this fat person has lost 30 pounds and is trying to be healthier!

So yeah, I would like to start getting compliments because it's validation.

But... I cried on my way home from my 3-pound loss weigh-in. Because I realized what's most important to me is for my DAD to notice. But maybe that's a subject for a later entry.

I'm going all the way this time

The scale finally did budge this morning. It better keep going downward! I'm going to try not to weigh myself for a few days. I probably won't be able to resist it, but I think I should try.

I have to remember... I will reach Goal. It doesn't matter how long it takes as long as I get there.

I haven't gotten off track terribly. I did have a few bad weekends a month or two ago, but I got right back on track. I don't really have the urge. I mean, I get the urge to binge on "bad" foods quite often. But I'm able to resist because I know I'd rather lose the weight than gain it back. I get that mental image. This is how I know I'm in this for the long run.

I also know I don't incorporate activity into this... it's something I plan to do eventually, I just don't feel as though I have the time right now. I have 4 weeks of class and a week of finals before graduation. That's 2 papers, a presentation, 10 exams, and 3 quizzes within the next 5 weeks. Plus 25 hours of work a week. I already have a joke of a social life. After all of that, it's time to pack to move. Maybe I'll find a workout buddy while I'm in Minnesota. When I come back, though, I probably won't be working, I plan to be in grad school, and I plan to join a gym.

I am worried about this summer... while I plan to continue doing weight watchers, I'm not sure I'll be able to do it as well as I'm doing now, which is why I'm in a hurry to lose more weight now. I've never had a roommate before, so this summer will be a first. Basically, I'm going to be surrounded by other interns, mostly guys, who probably don't worry much about their weight. I guess what I'm trying to say is while I plan to do my best to stay on plan, I'm not going to let it get in the way of my experience while I'm gone. I just hope I don't fall off track while I'm there because I've done so well so far and I know how hard it will be to get back on plan if I do fall off!

Hopefully the fact that I'm leaving one of the unhealthiest states and going to one of the healthiest states will benefit me!

But anyway. Most of it is still just me being mad at myself for gaining so much weight. Yeah, I've lost nearly 30 pounds. That truly is amazing! It's just that it's overshadowed by the fact that I still weigh 193.2 pounds. I'm still fat. I still don't notice that much of a difference, and still no one has noticed.

I mean, I have people who know I'm dieting who will ask how I'm doing, and I'll tell them. Their reaction is usually "that's great." Ironically, it's never "I can really tell!"

I don't know. I say I'll be more comfortable once I lose 8 more pounds, but will I really? Will I really fit in those clothes? They don't fit now, will just 8 pounds really do it?

Is this even working?

I've been staring at the same number on the scale for a week. Actually, it hasn't been the same, it went up due to bloating, but it's the same now.

And I've stayed within the same 3 pounds for the last 3 weeks. Okay, so a pound a week isn't bad. It's just not coming off as fast as I thought it would or would like it to!

Some skinny girl I know lost 15 pounds in a month. All she ate all day was like a poptart and a turkey sandwich, but still!

I dipped 20 points into my flex points last night because I hosted a party. And I'm back trying to make up for it. I only ate 15 points today. Bad habit, really, I'm not supposed to be guilty for using my flex points, but there has to be some reason the scale doesn't seem to be budging!

I think I'm due for a big loss soon... really!

I didn't meet Guy B. Which is okay, because by the time I got home from work and took a nap (didn't get to bed until 2:30 last night) I didn't feel like going anywhere. And quite honestly, I think I'm almost wanting him to decide not to meet me. Because if he stops calling now, I'm really not concerned about it. It's if he stops calling after I meet him that I'll be upset. How's that for fear of rejection? So we're going to work something out some other time. He suggested lunch or coffee, which actually sounds a lot better to me than the bar did. I don't fit in that scene well, and I really don't think he does either, he probably wanted it to seem that way. Really, though. It's Saturday night, and what did we do? He went running and then studied. I stayed home and wrote a paper. Seriously. And we were going to go to a bar? Ha! I could be wrong, of course. We'll see.

Dating and confidence issues due to weight

I was just about to post about why I've decided I'm not ready to date when Guy B called. Or returned my call anyway. Life always throws a curveball, huh?

But I guess I'll write the post anyway.

I'm really not ready to date. Not emotionally. It's not that I have baggage I'm not over. I definitely have baggage, but I believe I'm over it. It's the confidence issue. And it has everything to do with my weight.

I'm not approached often. Yeah, probably because I'm big. But it's more than that. It definitely is the confidence issue. I don't take a lot of time in the morning to do my hair and makeup before going to work or school. Give me 20 minutes to wake up and get out the door and I'm good in a t-shirt and jeans - not very approachable. Further than looks, though, a guy can tell when you're just not confident. I can't expect someone to approach me if I'm looking down at the floor all the time. And while this is something I can work on, I don't think I can overcome it until I lose a little more weight.

Guy A... is an asshole. Totally not what I expected. The only reason I bring this up: I called Guy B, who didn't answer, and automatically I thought "oh great, here we go again." Even though I knew there would be no reason for him not to return the call. (Then again, Guy A had no reason not to return my calls) I knew he could just be in class or something. And it turns out he was - when he called back a few hours later he explained that he was in class and then went running and had kept his phone on silent so he didn't hear it. Totally valid.

It's my thought process that's the problem. I've never met the guy. Even if he hadn't returned the call, why should it have mattered to me? It's because I'm programmed to automatically think the worst. Because I have no confidence.

So... before he called I decided I don't need to be dating right now. I just need to focus on myself. And for as long as I've been single, you would think I would have taken care of that already. But I haven't - it's the weight. I'm okay with being single. I'm not happy with myself, though, and that's the problem leading to my confidence issue. And besides, I'm moving next month to Minnesota and won't be returning for 3 months... so getting serious with someone right now doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

But we're going to try to meet this weekend. I don't know. I just have to approach it with no expectations. I probably won't send a full-body pic first, either. If he doesn't like me for who I am - what do I care? Besides, Guy A didn't get a full-body pic first and he seemed to be fine with me... though I still don't know what the hell went wrong. But whatever.

I just have to remind myself that this is a casual thing, I have no expectations, and it doesn't matter if he likes me or not. I just need to use the night to enjoy myself.

I don't even know how well I like this guy. I don't hang up the phone smiling. It's more like an attitude of indifference. I don't know if it's because I'm still upset about Guy A or what... maybe it's because he's not what I'm used to. I've already said that that's not necessarily a bad thing. Actually, I haven't found any bad qualities. He's a little nerdy but that can be cute, right? I think that has something to do with why he was interested in me in the first place. The first thing he said was "you seem intelligent." I can't say the guys I'm used to have been very intelligent... so different's not bad. It's just different. We'll see.

Old pictures

I was looking at old pictures and nearly started crying...

I avoid the camera, and it's because of my weight. On facebook, there are no pictures of me. When friends take pictures of me and tag me, I usually untag myself. The pictures from this weekend that my brother put up... I don't like them, but I've decided to let them stay.

And it is sad. Because other than the weight, I really don't look bad in pictures. I guess it's a sort of denial. The pictures capture the way I really look, but I don't FEEL that way. If I don't look at them and don't allow others to look at them, I guess I trick myself into thinking I don't really look that bad.

I've figured out that this is the source of that lack of motivation. There are some pictures of me around 205-210 taken last year that I think I look horrible in. So take me now, 10 pounds lighter, I really don't think I look that different. There aren't many pictures from when I was 220 because then I was REALLY hiding from the camera! I guess I tend to forget that I really did let myself get that heavy. I can't make much of a comparison from then and what I weigh now because I've been in a sort of denial that I ever was that heavy.

But I found a little motivation. I found a picture of myself from 4 years ago, when I was about 180. I remember struggling to get to 175, so I don't think I was there. But I look good. And I have to keep reminding myself, 15 more pounds I'll be there. That's the size I wanted to be in mid-May. It could still happen. But I think that's where I'll feel more comfortable with myself.

Right now, it's almost as if it doesn't matter that I've lost 27 pounds since the beginning of the year (and come to think of it, that's pretty darn good)! It's just that I still don't feel good about myself, not at this weight.

This weight is about where I was towards the end of my freshman year of high school. I have a picture from then, too. And I remember looking at it back then and being like OMG! I never would have thought I'd gain 30 pounds on top of that - but I did, and I think I often forget that because I don't want to think about it!

A little more history. After that picture, I started dieting in the summer. Lost 30 pounds in about 2.5 months on Suzanne Summers' (sp) low-carb plan. So I was down to 165 my sophmore year. Gained it back, got up to nearly 200 I want to say... then dieted the summer before my senior year and got down to about 175. Maintained that for a bit, ended up graduating around 185.

180 is where I can feel OKAY about myself. Not skinny by any means, but not... the way I feel now.

I'm working up the nerve to post some pictures. I know they're great for the motivational factor. I've just been avoiding looking at them. But as I said before, in the pictures I see myself not how I feel, but as the world sees me - a pretty girl, just way too fat! And that fat too often overshadows any other attractive qualities. It's society's fault, sure, but I'm guilty of seeing the same thing in not only myself, but others as well. While not something I like to admit, I think we're all guilty of it at times.

185's my mini-goal for now. I can deal with being 185 mid-May. Also, I'll no longer be severely obese according to my BMI! I'll still be obese, but I'll have broken 2 brackets: morbidly obese and severely obese.

Well, I feel a little better now!

Losing motivation

So I keep going, and I keep following the plan. I'm just not motivated.

Went to WI this morning. Lost 1 pound. Got my 10%. Well, that actually wasn't motivating at all because they FORGOT to give it to me and I had to go ask for it after the meeting.

But... it kind of feels like I'm not losing as fast as I thought I would. Or maybe it's just psychological? The last time I was "happy" with this diet thing was 2 weeks ago when I had a loss of 3.4 pounds - of course I was happy! I mean, I guess a pound a week is good. It's still losing. It's just that I've lost faster doing other plans. I know a lot of people do better on Core. I'm just not sure I'm ready for that yet. You're supposed to eat as much as you want until you're "satisfied." I think the daily points thing keeps me more regulated and prevents overeating. Plus, I still eat anything I want, just very little of it. So I don't know. It's not like this isn't working for me, it is... I've gotta take my own advice though and remind myself that no matter what, I'm still losing.

I kind of just wish there was something I could look forward to that would motivate me. I don't know what that something would be, though!

In other news...

Still stressed about Guy A. The one who won't answer his phone. My cousin went through something similar, probably worse, but she put it best: "AND U KNOW I MET SOMEONE NEW A WHILE AGO AND THOUGHT HELL I CAN MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY AGAIN, BUT THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN NO CALLS AND NO COMMUNICATION AT ALL. I GUESS HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED WHICH WAS DUMB ON MY PART BUT ALCOHOL DID IT TO ME (WHICH I KNWO ISNT AN EXUSE) HE WAS AND STILL IS A NICE GUY AND SEEMED TO BE THE ONE I THOUGHT I WOULD START A NEW LIFE WITH, BUT I GUESS HE WANTED TO PLAY SINCE HIS LAST REALTIONSHIP WENT SOUR. WHICH I GUESS IS OK, BUT DONT LET ME GET ATTACHED SO QUICK AND THEN WHEN U JUST END IT AND LEAVE ME IN THE DARK."

 Ok, so... I don't want him. I don't need him. I know this. All I really want is to know WHY. What the hell? You can have your baggage, and I can have mine too. If the time's not right or we're not right, it's just not right and that's okay. But when you don't answer your phone there's some reason you're avoiding me... I just want to know what it is! I haven't called him again, I'm just tempted. And I think I saw his car today, so now it's on my mind. It's just frustrating.

Stress and no weight loss?

I'm so worried I'm going to see a gain at weigh-in tomorrow. My scale shows a gain. TOM's still here. I have to make a mental note to take my bc pills on a better schedule so he doesn't pay me this extended visit next month!

I mean, I've done okay this week. I definitely don't think I went over my 35 flex points, though I'm sure I came close. I don't know. I'm kind of worried about going tomorrow, because I know that if I show a gain I'm going to rapidly lose my motivation to keep going...

Anyway, didn't have a good day today. Studied for that exam, which I just came home from... that was a horrible exam. The things she didn't go over in class, the things I thought wouldn't be on the exam, the things I didn't study very much because they weren't emphasized... were worth nearly 50% of the damn exam! Misleading is an understatement!

My best friend's angry with me... he sent me his resume so I could look over it for him before he sent it out. It was too long, and there were spelling errors and incorrect vocabulary usage. So I made some corrections and some suggestions, and sent my resume back to him just as a reference. And he emailed me back and said "I'll just sent your resume then." Which upsets me because I wasn't trying to be mean about it, I was only trying to help him! Besides, he asked for my input! Furthermore, I took 45 minutes out of my study time to do this for him, and he thinks I got some joy about marking up his resume? I didn't.

So I'm still stressed. Not sure I want to go WI tomorrow :(

And God, I'm starving! I'm out of points... I feel like I've been starving the past few days, though. Like, not once have I felt full. Which could be a problem because given the chance, I'm likely to spontaneously eat a whole lot in one sitting. Let's just hope it's something healthy, like vegetables!

Maybe tomorrow I'll go to Subway and attempt to scarf down a 12 inch turkey sub. Maybe that will satisfy this craving to eat A LOT!

Clearing my mind

Does drinking tea help flush out your system as well as water? I REALLY need to be studying. I also REALLY want my 10% keychain this week! I suck at drinking enough water, but drinking tea helps get me in study mode.

I was at Starbucks studying earlier. I had to leave because they keep it so cold in there! But ever since I got home I haven't opened the book!

I guess I'll go make some tea... finish this entry while it's cooling down and then try to force myself to study!

By the way, I'm really hoping the reason the scale isn't moving is because of TOM. I also hope he's gone by weigh-in Thursday morning!

So... about the guys. The first guy, the guy I went out with, we'll call him "A." Still no response from him. So I emailed him, told him it's now up to him to call me. Well, I told him that, among other things. Certain things I felt he needed to know. Certain things I can't repeat here. But whatever. Some things I regret, but what's done is done and regardless, I have to move on from it. Furthermore, the signs that he didn't like me as much as I initially thought are there. For instance, he commented that I don't talk much. That's not true... the way I keep a conversation going is by asking questions, because people like to talk about themselves. And me, I'm not going to volunteer a whole bunch of information about myself unless I'm asked! So as it turns out, I know a good bit about him, but he knows little about me... because he didn't ask. Important things he didn't ask. Like, I'd mention work, but he never asked where I work. And he knows I'm graduating next month, but he never asked what my major was. I think my major's important because it says a lot about my personality. But whatever. He didn't ask because he wasn't that interested. I'm really not sure what he was looking for in the first place.

Onto guy "B." He called last night. Twice. He's a sweetheart. Much more of a sweetheart than I'm used to. Which kind of worries me, I guess just because he's nothing like I'm used to. But that may not be a bad thing, I am trying to get away from a certain type of guy. It's just that I think he may be shy, and I'm the one who's usually shy. Anyway, he told me to call whenever I wanted to take a break from studying. I think that means he wants to make sure I'm interested. I am... But I guess it's because I was supposed to call him last week. I gave him my number as well, but I told him I'd call him and I never did. So I emailed him the other day to tell him I hadn't forgotten about him and I'd be giving him a call. That's when he called me. I think I'm going to have to suck it up and send him a full-body picture before meeting him, though. I'd prefer to avoid any surprises. I mean, as we hung up last night, he was about to "run a few laps" at the gym. He does work out regularly, which makes me wonder how he'll view someone that looks like... well, me. I'd be less upset if he rejected me now than after I actually meet him! But we'll see. He is sweet.

Anyway, hopefully my mind's clear now and I can STUDY!