I got off track for... 4 days. Evenings are the worst for me. I just started giving into my cravings, and in the process I ended up getting very frustrated with the fact that I can't eat whatever I want. I can't go to a restaurant and order what I really want. I can't eat gumbo without obsessing over how many points it may or may not be because I don't really know.
It's more than that... I can eat these things. Nothing's off-limits. What's even more frustrating though is the fact that I can't eat how much I want of it!
I mean... I have never and probably will never have just one slice of pizza and call it a meal. I can have a slice of pizza and call it a snack, but if we're having pizza for dinner, I'm not stopping at one!
With all that being said, I still wasn't THAT bad. I did watch what I was doing. I limited certain things. Even after dinner Thursday night mom asked what I ordered. I told her crawfish etouffe (and it was a small serving). Her response was "well that wasn't the best choice!" But you know what? No, it wasn't the best choice... but at least it wasn't fried! It may not have been the best choice, but it could have been much worse!
I've eaten a good deal of candy... but at least it's gone now! i still have a bag and a half of Hershey's kisses. But that's okay, I've had them since before Valentine's day. I can have portion control when it comes to them for some reason. I like having them around when I get chocolate cravings.
Anyway. The point of this is... yes, I'm frustrated. And it was hard as hell getting back on track today. We still have leftover burgers and snack food from the party my brother had at the house last night. I did a wonderful job avoiding that food today (and I did limit myself last night).
I went shopping today... came out frustrated again. I did manage to fit into a size 14 dress and almost bought it just for that reason. But it was long sleeved and obviously not really practical this time of the year! And no, I'm definitely not a size 14, it was stretchy fabric. It did fit, though! I'm just kind of still frustrated because well... I still feel huge!
I skipped weigh-in this morning... the first time I've skipped this year. I just didn't want to deal with seeing a 2 pound gain!
I know I haven't eaten the best these past few days, but I still don't think it was bad enough to warrant a 2 pound gain!
Granted, some of that could be from TOM, which hasn't come yet, but should come within the next couple of days. I honestly don't know my system well enough to tell. I mean, I went on BC a year ago to regulate TOM (I used to skip months as a time - sounds great, but not healthy) but I still haven't paid attention to when I gain the weight from bloating and when it subsides.
I feel horrible. But really, there's no way I could have gained 2 pounds! I KNOW how much I used to eat in a day and still maintain - I have not consumed nearly that many calories!
So I don't know. I'm going to be extra good all week... probably going to find an excuse not to go out for Mexican and margaritas tomorrow... I need to study for finals much more than I need to eat bad food!
The clothes I wanted to be able to fit into next month - some of them fit. I wore them today for a class presentation. I'd be more excited, but... unfortunately the only thing I saw when I looked in the mirror was... a fat person. Not "oh I look cute." No, it was more like "I'm still so huge I look horrible."
There is one thing I'm really fed up about, though. It's a repeated behavior of others. Something that happens regularly. Not the same place, time, or person.
I'm often mistaken for other girls I work with. Very often. I'd say 2-3 times every week a customer has an ignorant comment. It's not just this job, it's been at previous jobs. But the thing is - I look nothing like these girls. My hair's longer, sometimes a completely different color, my skin's lighter, my eyes are lighter. What is it that makes others mistake me for someone else, then? My weight.
I promise you I look nothing at all like these other girls. Most of them are actually even quite larger than me. It's just - we have other characteristics. But the first thing other people notice is the weight, and then all of a sudden they remember you by that - the weight.
I've even gotten comments like "are you twins?" And they'll be referring to someone who's Mexican with slightly darker skin, standing right next to me. So... yeah. You're telling me that just because we're both overweight and work at the same place we must be related?!
Just... ranting, I guess. Slightly drunk. Didn't eat well tonight. I mean... trust me, I ATE well! Just not what I should have. But that's okay because I was good and had eaten only 8 points up until dinner.
I really just wish I knew how much more I have to lose before I can start feeling better about myself! It's not something that can just happen. It's not like I can say "oh, I've lost over 30 pounds, I should feel amazing." It's great that I've lost so much. I truly am happy and proud of that... it's the way I feel inside that needs work.
and briefly Guy B... as the days go on I'm starting to like him less. But I'm supposed to see him Saturday, so we'll just have to wait and see how things go. Maybe I don't understand his personality. But I have got to stop trying to pick everything apart. That's my biggest personality flaw - but I'm an accountant. I have to pick everything apart, otherwise I need to go back to school and learn something else!
So I got home tonight with 4 points left to use. Wasn't particularly hungry... ended up using way more than 4. I had not one, not two, but 3 cups of seafood gumbo that I really didn't need to have.
I wouldn't care so much except I'm still going out to eat tomorrow. Still not sure what I'm going to order, but I'm sticking with beer. 2's my limit. Plus going out for margaritas and mexican Sunday (I don't plan to watch it too much there, I'll just make sure I don't overdo it). Then a crawfish boil next weekend. Daiquiries and margaritas had been suggested for that, but since I'll already be going over my points eating lots of crawfish, I think I'm going to poor wine into an empty water bottle and sip on that.
So... this next week and a half I probably won't be eating great. But you know... i just want to enjoy life! This is an exciting time for me and I haven't taken the time to enjoy it. I'm graduating in 3 weeks, moving in 4. I'm trying to spend time with people I won't see in a while, and if that means going out to eat and drinking and eating not-so-healthy foods, then... that's okay, it's life. I'm just going to make "better" choices, maybe not the healthiest, but still healthier than they way I ate before. It's just for this next week and a half, and this is not an excuse to eat poorly. But... you can't go to this mexcian place without a margarita. You can't just drink margaritas and not eat. You can't go to a crawfish boil and not eat the crawfish! As I said, it's life, and I just can't allow myself to get upset about it.
Anyway. Felt I should update. Still staying busy, busy.
These late nights studying have made it difficult not to go over my points. I've had to learn to eat less throughout the day so I can plan better for this!
I'm 3 into my flex points this week... omg, stick pretzels and reduced fat cream cheese is SO good!
Anyway. Kind of worried about Thursday. I'm going out for dinner and drinks with a few friends. I should probably stick with beer, but this restaurant's margarita sounds SO good. It's 12 ounces though, so I'm not sure I want to spend 15 points on it! And then dinner itself... sure, stick with a salad, but how many points is it really after adding all the toppings and dressing? So I don't know. I've been staring at the menu and can't pick the perfect choice. www.fishcitygrill.com
Speaking of studying, that really is what I should be doing right now... but I have to memorize this HUGE chart, so I'm going to type this and then see what I can remember... though I must say, we're all college grads/about to be college grads, I think we're advanced enough not to have to memorize stupid charts! What happened to good old understanding information?
I think I'm really starting to like Guy B. I'm just not sure it's for the right reasons. I guess... you know, I met him. I wasn't expecting anything, I wasn't even expecting him to want to see me again. But he does. And he's really showing an interest. I don't know, maybe I expected him to see me and run in the opposite direction? But he's different. And I already said, the first time after I talked to him, he's a sweetheart. He is. And I really am starting to like him because I do think he's special... I just don't want anything to happen if I only like the IDEA of it. I had a boyfriend break up with me once because we both entered the relationship for the wrong reasons, and for him, he was staying in it for the wrong reasons (he liked the idea of a relationship better than he actually liked me... sounds harsh). I guess I'm kind of stuck on that thought.
It's been a while for me since a guy has looked past the weight issue. Especially a guy as sweet as this one. But what scares me is I don't know whether I really like him or I just like the idea. Even scarier is that I'm not sure I know how to tell the difference. In either case, I'm getting way ahead of myself. Nothing's going to happen regardless, at least for a while. Not with me moving in 4 weeks.
That was the first phrase out of my mouth when I stepped on the scale this morning. Not being one to vocalize my reaction when stepping on the scale, those words came out before I even realized it.
Because I'm now 189.6 pounds! I was totally not expecting that. I really think I may be able to come close to weighing 180 by the time I move (5 weeks to lose 9.6 pounds - I'll be close!)
I seriously haven't been this weight since I entered college. That's exciting!
So that makes me happy. Just thought I'd log on to share!
I slept through weigh-in. Go me, right? Not good... because of class and group projects the only other day I could possibly go is Saturday at 7:30am. I have to be at work at 8:30. I really don't know that I'll make it to weigh-in unless I force myself to go... kinda sucks, I haven't missed a week since I started this thing in January. And I already know I'll have to go to the evening meeting next week because of work and class... not looking forward to that!
Anyway. I have a huge test tomorrow I'm supposed to be studying ALL day for. But I'm sitting around the house and all I want to do is EAT or SLEEP. And neither of those are good. Considering I already slept so much I slept through weigh-in! But I don't want to leave... I'll probably go to Starbucks tonight once mom gets home from work. It's okay right now because I'm home alone. By myself I can refuse to turn on the TV, etc. But once other people come home, there's way too many distractions. But I don't want to sit in Starbucks all day and all night. At least I know I won't eat anything there, though!
Kind of rambling. Decided to take a break from this confusing exam material, I was about to fall asleep. But I guess I should get back to it!
I thought I saw the scale rise this morning as a consequence of Saturday. But I weighed myself when I got home from class today. First it said 191. I didn't believe it, since it was higher this morning, so I got on again. 190.4. I literally got on it 5 more times just to check. Sure enough, 190.4 all 5 times. Which is great! I'm not going to post that weight unless I see it again tomorrow. I think I need to be consistent in weighing myself in the morning. I may simply weigh less in the afternoon. But either way, that's great! I'm so close to saying goodbye to the 190's!!!
I am finally feeling "thinner" again. I think I needed to get to this point before I felt it. It goes along with that whole denial thing. In my mind, I've been around 190 all along. Not true, of course, but... I'm getting there!
I've had 9 points today, have 16 left. I'm going to do my best to eat mostly fruits and veggies and liquids (soup maybe?) because I don't want this weight to change before Weigh-In tomorrow morning!
I don't know how quickly you're supposed to gain weight after eating horribly, but I was surprised to see the scale NOT go up this morning! Let's just hope it stays that way.
I ate lots of fruit today. After last night, I was actually going to eat only fruits and veggies today, but that kind of fell through. Because they're mostly water, they don't keep me full for very long.
Last night ended up being pretty rough. I did end up drunk texting Guy A. And I’m glad I did because I actually got a response. And it’s not me. He’s just an ass. Really. I talked to him, and at some point he said “What, did you expect to be my girlfriend?” I said. “No, I’m moving in a month. But I did think we were friends, and usually friends return calls.” And… then I got this: “Look! I’m just a complex person I don’t expect you to understand me!” And then he asked me to go over to sleep with him. Umm… no. I feel better about the situation though, because I know his sketchiness doesn’t have to do with me at all. He’s “just a complex person.” I told him we all are.
Guy B emailed me not too long ago, just to say he enjoyed hanging out with me and that if I needed a study break and wanted to get together another weekend to let him know. Haven't decided if I want to see him again, though. He does know I'm moving, and when he asked "so you'll be gone for the whole summer?" he seemed slightly upset. But he understands and is supportive, so that's good. Obviously I can't start anything serious with anyone with my moving in a month. Just not sure how I feel about him.
I'm drunk, and I just binged a couple of hours ago. On bad stuff. My best friend was over, and I got drunk then, but he pissed me off when he left early, and that's when I decided I needed to eat... and eat, and eat. Not good.
I met Guy B today. Um... it was interesting. He's interesting. Interesting.
Met his cousin, as well... we just... walked around the mall. I guess I got some exercise in today by walking the length of the mall several times! Kind of strange, I know...
And maybe it's not a bad thing. Just definitely not what I'm used to, as I said before. I actually think he's kind of... socially inept? He's a nice guy, though, and sometimes I guess that's all you can ask for. Obviously nothing great to report here. I am kind of glad it wasn't a date or anything. I came out of it with no expectations. As opposed to Guy A, he seems much... kinder, and definitely less wild. Which is probably what I need, but what we have here is a good guy and a bad guy, and don't we always go for the bad guy? I totally almost drunk dialed Guy A. That would probably not be good...
Here's to hoping that binge wasn't too detrimental! I need to get to bed, I feel the hangover coming on early.
