I added a new pic. It was taken the other day. It's weird. Sometimes I still don't notice that I'm 45 pounds down, but I often look at that picture of me in the black shirt and then I really notice the difference. Then I can't believe I ever let myself get so huge.
Things are going. This next week will be pretty off plan... it's okay. I have to fly out of state for the job... I have two interviews, I have to give a presentation, and there are all of these other activities planned. I'm so stressed out already that for those three days I'm not worrying about what I eat. I mean, I have dinners and lunches with managers and pizza Monday night... I'm so nervous about the interviews and presentation that I don't think I can handle worrying about counting points! That and I made dinner plans with a friend at a mexican restaurant the night I get back. It will all work out, 3 days won't throw me off the wagon. I'll get right back on it!
I had gained a new sense of confidence that is slowly wearing away. I'm trying to hold onto it, but that's not working out completely.
There was this guy I kind of had a fling with, I guess you could say. But my drunken ass totally put everything out there (not like that) and basically I was told he likes me as a friend... while he was making out with me. I have myself halfway convinced he's just saying some of that, for obvious reasons. I only have 3 weeks left here... so. Not like it could go anywhere anyway. He's still a kid. A mature 20 year old kid, but still a kid with a few years of wild college parties left in him. Frat boy. Yeah. But anyway.
So I think my weight's staying the same for now. It kind of follows my cycle, I'll lose a few pounds during my cycle, maybe gain a half pound or pound, and it will stay about the same for a week. Predictable, at lease. Hopefully it keeps dropping, though! Especially with this trip in a few days.
I weigh less than I have in... years. I got down to 165 my sophomore year of high school and climbed back up to 195 by my senior year. So I haven't weighed 175 since sometime in there.
I've lost almost 47 pounds now, which is really amazing!
I do still feel fat, though. I know I'm slimmer. I'm halfway to goal. I notice some things. My face isn't as puffy and my shoulder bones are becoming more defined.
What's great is that I can actually shop for clothes now! My wardrobe used to be pretty terrible. I didn't even realize how terrible until I started to buy cute clothes. I couldn't buy cute clothes before, I couldn't even try them on. I always wore t-shirts or solid color v-necks from Old Navy. I rarely wear t-shirts now.
Honestly, I do feel great. I do have much more energy. That's something that took a while for me to notice. I actually don't notice. But I realized it last night after climbing a lot of stairs at a baseball game and noticing some people were winded while I was fine. I wouldn't have been fine in the past. I can walk longer distances in the heat without complaining. I don't sleep as much as I used to and I'm fine.
Food is no longer my crutch. I don't keep a lot of snack foods here. I have pretzels and goldfish and even tortilla chips. Usually I'll eat part-skim string cheese for a snack, though, and I really don't touch the tortilla chips.
I don't feel the need to eat all the time like I used to. I'm learning to recognize hunger. Most importantly, I'm learning which type of foods will keep my satisfied longer. Carbohydrates really won't do it. Veggies and fruits don't either, but I force myself to eat them a lot more than I used to. And I've learned that it's okay to go to bed hungry sometimes. That doesn't mean I starve myself, it just means that if I've already had dinner and I'm hungry again before bed, I don't need to eat more, I should just go to sleep.
So that's just a little update. I'm doing well, and I'm going to keep going!
In the past week I've lost 4 pounds and really notice a difference in the way my favorite pair of jeans are fitting now compared to a week or two ago.
I feel like I was stuck for a few weeks, though. I'm not sure I like that. I'd rather lose a little every week. I get frustrated when I don't see the scale moving, but then a few weeks later the scale gives a big jump! Oh well...
About rewards again, I forgot that at the beginning of this journey I told myself I'd get a tattoo when I get to 175. I forgot until I realized today that I'm totally in the 170's! So I'm thinking about it, but I don't know...
What I wanted was a toe ring tattoo. Small and discreet enough to be covered up for a job interview, but can obviously be shown when I want it to. But I hear they fade so fast because of shoes...
I was also thinking about getting another when I reach goal. It would be the Libra symbol, which is the scales of balance. I think it's a great idea because I am a Libra and the symbol would be fitting. Not that I'm really into astrology, however. I also have no idea where I'd put it. I'd want to be able to hide it but show it when in the mood. But I also wouldn't want to have to pick out clothes around it. Oh well, it's kind of far off anyway.
I really think I might get that toe ring tattoo at the end of summer, though!
Is it just me? Am I the only one who can’t ever picture themselves in a bikini after weight loss? Realistically, my body will never be perfect. It will never look good in a bikini, even at 120 pounds. The cellulite on my legs will never fully go away. My upper arms and stomach will always have excess skin. I’ll always have stretch marks all over my body. No amount of diet and exercise will fix some of this. Even after plastic surgery, there would be no bikini in my future. Maybe in my own backyard, but never in public.
And yet I see people list that as their motivation all of the time. “I’ll be able to fit in a bikini.” Not to be mean, but really? I’m really not being mean, I’m just wanting to understand. Do they really think that after losing 100 pounds their body is going to be flawless? Or are they simply willing to accept the flaws they will still have enough to go out in public in a bikini? Are they just being unrealistic? Or is it just that my body is way more messed up than other fat peoples’ bodies? I’d really like some insight here!
As far as rewards go… I haven’t found any that would really work. To me, a reward has to keep you motivated, otherwise it’s not a reward. But I’m motivated without rewards… I’m losing weight. I have no intention of gaining it back. I keep losing because there are other priceless rewards. I don’t need to spend money on things.
However, I have decided that for every new lower size of Old Navy jeans I fit in, I’ll buy a new pair. I figure that’s about 15-20 pounds each size, give or take. But that’s where I blur the lines between “reward” and “necessity.” The jeans aren’t really a reward because I can’t keep walking around in baggy jeans, it looks bad. And I feel better about spending money on a necessity anyway. So what would a good reward be for me, anyway?
Sure, I could get my nails done… but they’re already done right now. My roommate and I went when we got bored. I could get a pedicure… but $35 later I probably wouldn’t think it’s worth it.
I think when I hit a 50 pound loss a gym membership would be a good investment/reward when I get home. It’s still sort of a necessity. Though it’s definitely a reward, also. I could go for free at the recreation center at school, but you won’t catch me working out among my much more healthier and toned classmates. I’m too self-conscious. And I think a personal trainer would be a good idea to get me started.
I'm just so tired of this struggle. Tired of not being able to eat what I want.
I know I said I'd be happy if for the summer I'm only able to maintain. It's just that I don't eat that much. 24 points per day on Weight Watchers is equal to a base daily calorie intake of about 1200, give or take based on fat and fiber content. That is not a lot at all.
And no, I'm not following it perfectly. But I follow it perfectly about 5 days of the week. Friday and Saturday are usually filled with reasons not to be perfect. Reasons such as going out to eat lunch on Fridays and drinking Friday and Saturday night.
Still... I can see my reflection off of my computer monitor. And maybe it's the way I'm sitting with my laptop, but I can see a huge chin roll. And my stomach is justting out so far. I mean, I have lost nearly 40 pounds. How horrible did I look 40 pounds heavier?
I even overdid it tonight. I'm guessing I went over about 15 points. I was frustrated that I was still hungry after dinner, which put me over 3 points by the time I was finished with it. So it began with unsweetened dried apples, led to string cheese, and ended with handfuls of goldfish that grew every time I stuck my hand in the bag. At least I'm full now, and at least I didn't gorge on something like chocolate! I'd say it's okay and subtract it from my flex points, but I already have a taste of what the weekend brings, beginning with pizza for lunch tomorrow. That's with the other interns. I could go somewhere else with my department but it's not likely to be any healthier. I just realized I haven't had pizza in over a month, and I haven't really missed it. That's good. It's just that when I do get my hands on it, I can't stop eating it!
I've managed to not tell my roommate I'm on weight watchers. The subject's never come up, though I seriously wonder if she is secretly confused how a person with a fridge full of fruits and vegetables, egg beaters and diet soda got this big.
I just have found it easier not to talk about it. There's another male intern who eats extremely healthy and pretty much has an opinion about most food. I just don't want to deal with being criticized, you know? For instance, I've heard him say Splenda's not as great for you as they say. None of the artificial sweeteners are. Sugar isn't either. He doesn't use any of the above. But I do and don't want anyone else's opinion about it!
Anway, I've been doing pretty well. I've lost 5 pounds in the past 2 weeks, even though weekends are filled with alcohol and late night food runs. But I do really good all week, so I figure it's okay. Friday and Saturday were bad, but they could have been worse. I'm proud that it didn't last all weekend, and I'm usually back on track by Sunday.
Unfortunately, I still feel huge. I've lost almost 40 pounds, and I still feel like I did when I was 220. I can't wait to hit 50 pounds lost - I have to be feeling great by then!
I had a long entry written out and then I accidentally hit cancel. How much does that suck?
Basically then... I'm now in Minnesota.
I've eaten pretty badly these past few weeks. So I was very surprised to get on the scale this morning and see that I have maintained.
I'm probably not going to follow WW 100% for the next few weeks. The other interns and I have already been having parties, getting drunk, and going out to eat. My saving grace is that I've only stocked up on healthy food in the apartment.
But I've decided that just for the summer, as long as I maintain, I'm happy. I'd love to lose, but as long as I don't gain I'll be okay. I can refocus when I get back to Louisiana in August. For now I'm here to enjoy myself and I'm not going to let a diet plan inhibit that. I will do my best.
The good thing is that Minnesota is one of the most healthiest states, while Louisiana is one of the worst. Minneapolis has a chain of lakes for running/biking/skating, whereas Louisiana has virtually nothing of the sort. Fast food restaurants up here, while they do exist, they are scarce and spread out. Where I lived in Louisiana, every major street had a series of fast food restaurants, all in a row. There are many more sit-down restaurants up here, though I think that causes a lot of people to eat at home because of the expense. So yeah, it's definitely nice up here.
It started Friday night. I had a final at 7:30 am Saturday and I stayed up all night Friday studying for it. I obviously went over my points simply because I was hungry! Saturday was okay until I realized my brother, who had come home from college the night before, had opened the Doritos my mother and I hadn't touched for the two weeks they were sitting in the cupboard. Doritos will be the death of me... Sunday we took my mom out to eat for Mother's Day. I had crawfish etouffee and licked the plate clean. That night I finished the bag of Doritos. Monday was bad because I went over my points at dinner then went out and drank way more than I needed to, plus a cookie. Tuesday we went out to eat lunch. I had a boiled shrimp sandwich, disregarding the fact that the menu called the bread "butter-smashed french bread." And it truly was. I then overindulged all day. ALL DAY! That afternoon I finished off my mother's leftover crawfish ettouffee. You know, since she wasn't touching it. Plus with me moving, I used the excuse that I'm trying to eat as much true Louisiana food as possible since I'll be without for a few months. That night I went to dinner with a lady I used to work with. I satisfied my Mexican craving (lots of cheese!). This was followed by Marble Slab ice cream. So good! Yesterday I was good until dinner. I ate my leftover mexican and then proceeded to eat the dinner my mom had cooked for my dad.
So today has been my first day back on track. I gained approximately 4 pounds. I'm hoping this "break" kicks my system back into gear, though. I was at a point for a while where I was gaining and losing the same 2 pounds.
I'm graduating tomorrow, so I'm really not positive how the day will go eating-wise. I don't know what's planned.
By the way, pants are so hard to shop for! I can find tops, but no pants seem to fit me right!
I had gained last week but lost the weight right before weigh-in. Now I'm up again. Yeah, so this weekend wasn't the greatest. It wasn't that bad either, though! I mean, it could have been so much worse, and my bad eating lasted for only a day.
But thankfully, I am beginning to see results and feel better about myself. It really kind of set in today. I went to a crawfish boil with my coworkers this weekend, and all the pictures are on the bulletin board at work. I saw my picture and actually didn't have an intense urge to pull it down and hide it. Even yesterday, I looked in the mirror in the restroom of a coffee shop and realized my double chin is very near gone. And today I noticed I can actually see a slight definition between where my face and neck meet. That was never there before. Before I couldn't tell where my neck ended and my face started. So that's good.
This next week may be difficult eating wise. It's the last week I have before graduation and moving, and I have plans to go out to eat with various people nearly every day. So hopefully I can get through this next week without gaining! And then I have to get through 2-3 days on the road when I move. I don't know how easy it will be to eat healthy then. I just have to do my best, even if I don't end up following the plan 100%
A few girls and I are probably driving to New Orleans for lunch after our last 7:30am final on Saturday, just a way to celebrate the end of the semester. And I'm telling you right now I'm not driving all the way to New Orleans to sit in a nice restaurant and order a salad! Then we're taking my mom out Sunday for Mother's Day. I promise you every other day is filled. The end of the semester may reduce stress, but I'm still going to be busy, busy with graduation, working my last days at my current job, and getting ready to move - all in a week's time! Plus all the people I have to see that I've been neglecting! Hopefully keeping busy will stop me from eating too much!
Ok, just felt I should update. I'm really just finding every possible reason not to study for the two finals I still need to take to finish off the semester!
So... I'm more or less in the middle of finals. Finals week is officially next week, but I'll be done with 2/5 classes by Friday. I just took a HORRIBLE final tonight. So I'm really anxious about the results of that. So after feeling pretty bad leaving campus, I decided to go shopping. (I also had coupons that expire this weekend).
Umm... so I'm really not sure what size I am. I'm size 14 pants some places and size 16 pants others. Top is 16/18. Same store top is either large or X-large. So anyway.
I'm carrying TONS of clothing because a) I don't know what size I am b) I'm in the process of buying a whole new wardrobe in preparation for my move. So I had to try things on twice. The second time I could tell the saleslady who had to unlock the door to the dressing room was VERY irritated with me. So I ended up buying most of what I had the second time, knowing I'd be back to return some of it. I also was kind of tired and didn't feel like picking through what I REALLY had to have and what I could live without.
So $200 dollars later I walked out with 3 dresses, 2 skirts, 3 blouses, 2 pairs of pants. So that's not too much damage, is it? Considering the prices of things these days!
On the 3 dresses... so I'll probably be returning 1 or 2 of them because I basically don't wear dresses, and whether or not I will on the job this summer is yet to be determined! But they all looked so good on me, and for the first time in a while I was feeling really good about the way I looked! And they were only $20 each, so I bought all three. PLUS... 2 are size 14, and 1 is actually a size 12!!! (Probably not true to size, as I'm really more like a size 16) But still!
So anyway. I don't have much more shopping to do before I move in 3 weeks. Just have to get other things taken care of, and sort through what I'm taking back.
