Out the Window

That's where my "no more diets" subtitle is going!  I've been debating this for months, and the bottom line is, I need portion control and I don't want to be satisfied with a higher weight.  I'm starting Weight Watchers on 8/8.  There are a number of reasons why I'm choosing that day - a Tuesday of all days.  Don't most diets start on Mondays?!  But my reasons would sound silly to everyone but me, so I'll just leave it at that:  My first day back on Weight Watchers will be 8/8.

I already know that I don't want to do Core, but I'm not real keen on the Flex program either.  I did very well with 123 Success, so I think I'll actually follow that program.  Being a numbers person, I need a points range.  Aiming for 20 points every day would drive me nuts because I'd be trying too hard to be precise. 

Vacation!

I leave for California this afternoon (my plane takes off in four hours to be exact...not that I'm counting).  I planned this trip in February.  I can't believe it's actually here now.  Not sure if I mentioned this before, but the main purpose of my trip is to visit Mosaic.  The lead pastor, Erwin McManus, has been very influential in my faith journey, and his teachings have really helped me understand what Christianity is supposed to look like.  I would like to have a spiritual mentor here, but I don't, so I guess McManus is the closest thing I have.

I booked a room at the Extended Stay America, primarily for the full kitchen.  Not only is it much cheaper to buy my food at the grocery store than eat out for five days, but it's easier to eat healthy too.  Not sure if there's a fitness room at my hotel or not, but it doesn't matter.  I'm such an exercise addict that I will do aerobics in my hotel room while watching early morning infomercials on cable if I have to! 

Workouts

I'm very tired.  I woke up at 3:21 am (on the dot) and could not fall back asleep.  This is going to be a quick entry tonight.

A week ago I was so sore and burned out on my workouts I was having trouble getting out of bed.  I'm still doing two workouts a day (I know...), but I've dramatically decreased the intensity of my workouts.  I've been doing my WHFNs, which usually sit and gather dust until I get sick or overexercise to the point where I can hardly climb up a flight of stairs.  Then my WHFNs are perfect.  I usually add intensity to the cardio segments to make them more of a "real" workout, but I'm not even doing that now.  I'm just doing the workout as the instructor does it.  Okay, sometimes I absolutely can't stand it and I add a little intensity!  Anyway, I feel a lot better now. 

Friday I am flying to California for five days.  I'll be pretty active on my trip, but I'll only have time to work out once on the days I'm gone.  Hopefully that will help me get started on breaking this habit.

Speaking of broken habits...I still drink diet Coke on occasion (like today, 'cause I was exhausted!), but I used to drink it non-stop.  Like, six cans AND a 20 ounce bottle every day!  Today marks the one-year anniversary of when I quit that.  Yay me!

Need a laugh?

This saves me the co-pay on a psychologist visit!  (I hope the link works...)

Stop It

Now what?

So my blog is sub-titled "No More Diets."  Which has been my mantra for the past five years, but I've only used it to justify my (way too frequent) binge episodes.  The rest of the time, I've been dieting in one form or another. 

I got a book at the library yesterday called Fed Up by  Wendy Oliver-Pyatt.  I was so excited when I got home...then I started reading it.  I'm not sure if I can do this.  First of all, she says that people who say "I'm not on a diet, I just eat healthy" are really on a diet because there is the implication that they have lists (even mental lists) of foods that are labeled "good" and "bad."  To be fair, I have not gotten to the chapter where she goes into more detail on this.  But personally, I disagree with that.  There ARE some bad foods!  Let's take a brownie for instance.  Say I have a brownie that was made from a mix, factory farmed eggs, and soybean oil.  That's a bad food.  Let's say I also have a brownie that was made with unbleached flour, natural sugar, organic butter and eggs, and organic cocoa powder.  It's not healthy, but it's not a bad food.  Right?

(edited to add that I finished the book Fed Up and was not impressed.  I'm sure this is and could be helpful to some people, but it's not something I'm interested in investing my time in, nor is it something I would recommend to others who are struggling with food related issues)

Sometimes I wonder if I way overcomplicate things.  I don't want to eat whatever I want, and I don't want to feel free to eat whatever I want.  I want to eat HEALTHY foods and I want to eat a plant-based diet.  On Saturday mornings when I want cookies for breakfast, I want to be able to say, "No, I'm not doing that, I'm going to make a fruit salad instead."  Even if the anti-diet gurus tell me it's okay to eat cookies for breakfast if you're hungry and that's what you want, because it's not healthy.  But I do need to shake this diet mindset that I am not acceptable unless I'm thinner. 

I saw that cute boy at church again today.  He was looking at me again...except I realized that he is actually NOT the guy that I work with.  Now I'm all weirded out again because I don't know why he's looking at me.    

I re-named my blog

I may never weigh 123.  And that's okay.  But I don't want my arbitrary goal weight staring me in the face every time I blog. 

I am so critical of myself.  I can look at another woman who is exactly the same size and proportions as I am and thing she looks great.  But the way I look is never good enough.  I have a feeling that if I actually did get down to 123 pounds, I still wouldn't be happy with that.  I'm changing my goal weight to 128.  I can always change it back to 123, right?

Up Two

I am so glad I got on the scale this morning.  Sarcasm intended.  I now weigh 134.  I am starting to believe that if I stop working out so much, my body will stop hanging on to fat like this.  I know I eat more on the weekends than I do during the week, but I've always eaten more on the weekends than I do during the week.  Then again, I've also always worked out twice a day.  Regardless.  I met a friend from church (and her two unruly children) for dinner tonight after work so I didn't have the choice of working out or not working out.  It was nice.  I feel a lot better now than I did this morning.  The ability to be and remain mobile was questionable this morning.

I've been spending some time on the Finding Balance website.  There is a lot of useful (though pretty basic) stuff there.  I took the weird eating test  and here were my results:

Hmm… not so good. You are definitely more obsessed with eating and weight than is normal or healthy. Your friends and family may have no idea of your struggle, but that doesn’t mean you’re ok. You likely fit some qualifications for ednos (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified). We recommend finding someone to talk to.

It would be easier...

...just to go on a diet.  First, many thanks to Tawa Chihuahua for these two great articles on Exercise Bulimia and Overtraining.  I read them at work this morning (what, you think I spend all day working??) and they both really hit home.  Here are the main symptoms of exercise bulimia:

• Compulsive exercisers will often schedule their lives around exercise
• Missing work, parties or other appointments in order to workout
• Working out with an injury or while sick
• Becoming seriously depressed if you can't get a workout in
• Working out for hours at a time each day
• Not taking any rest or recovery days

Check.  Check.  Check check check.  Check.  I am the model exercise bulimic.  The overtraining article states that one of the physical symptoms of long-term overtraining is a very low resting heart rate.  Every time I go to the doctor, she seems surprised at how low my heart rate is - now I understand why.  I knew I had a problem and I've been semi-serious about solving it for a long time, but not serious enough to make the effort.  I think I'm serious enough now.  

This is going to be hard.  It would be much easier to just go back on Weight Watchers and use my extra workouts to get more food points, but really.  How much longer am I willing to put up with being so sore that it hurts to walk up a flight of stairs?  (apparently a long time, because I remember this first happening in college, and I graduated 5 years ago)  And just like a good little chronic dieter, I don't want to start NOW.  I want to set a start date.  Say, August 1?  That's the day I'll be getting home from vacation.  And it's always good to start things at the beginning of the month.  I should probably start tomorrow though, huh? 

Motivation?

Okay.  I am totally not the type to try to lose weight to impress a guy.  But last Sunday at church I noticed a guy there who I'm pretty sure was a first time visitor.  He was very cute.  I noticed that he kept looking at me and it actually started to annoy me because I had no idea WHY he was looking at me.  Let me point out again that he was very cute - therefore I don't think he was looking at me because he thought I was cute!  Anyway, yesterday at work I was standing outside of the building talking with a co-worker, and I saw Church Boy walk outside and leave for lunch.  We work together!  (so now I know why he kept looking at me, he was probably wondering where he recognized me from) 

I don't usually eat lunch, but this afternoon I went to a sandwich shop with my friend and drank a diet Coke while she ate her lunch.  All of a sudden I looked up and there he was again!  Not IN the shop, but outside smoking!  (I know, smoking is bad...but he is very cute!!!)  I had never seen this guy before in my life and now I see him three days in a row.  And he is very cute (have I mentioned that?!) and now I keep thinking about him.  Yeah, I totally need to lose these last ten pounds.

I'm not doing very well on working out only once a day.  I keep telling myself that when I don't feel fat anymore, then I will cut back to once a day.  Right.  I'm sure I'll be cutting back any day now.  Ha.

Exercise

So I'm not feeling too great about my eternally stable weight right now (I should be glad I'm not gaining, right?  Wrong.  If I'm not losing, I'm mad).  I'm also a little dehydrated which makes me retain water, which makes me bloated, which makes me feel fat.  I know, drink more water.  I know! 

So my current exercise routine is to work out 2 hours a day, an hour before work and an hour after (sometimes 45 minutes after work...usually an hour).  I've had this routine for at least 6 or 8 years, I can't even remember how long.  There are one or two days out of the week when I only work out once, but still, it's not enough rest so I'm often sore and achy and I get a lot of "twinges."  But on weekends like this one when I eat too many cookies and feel like a fat bloated cow, I'll think to myself, "At least I work out, like,  ten hours a week."

Not so much.

Yesterday I read this article from Dr. Mercola's newsletter.  Nothing like kicking me while I'm down.  I swear, I just don't know what to do anymore.  It would require a lot of mental effort to cut back to an hour of exercise a day (I've tried umpteen times and just "can't" do it), but is that going to make everything worse?  And I'm trying to eat less (not this weekend apparently, but in general!) - is that also going to make things worse?  Why is this complicated??  Eat less, exercise more.  No!  Eat more, exercise less.  This is way too confusing.

I was thinking about going on Weight Watchers (just on my own, not joining meetings or anything).  But I think I might revisit Geneen Roth.  As much as I disagree with what she has to say on spirituality, I think what she says about emotional eating is right on.  But I still refuse to dress up to go to the grocery store.  (You'll have to read this book to get that)