First, to my brain I'd just like to say, "hi" and "welcome back!"
Everyone seems to be doing so well, even Joy who is surviving despite her cold. I'm finding it quite contagious! Perhaps I'm also ready to be infected!
Just got a reply back from Dr Cohen's admin and apparantly they are not yet marketing to this area - only the US and Europe, so unfortunatley can't help! Bummer! Have written back to let them know that a) I am a previous client and b) I am a US citizen - just to see if it makes any difference!
Anyway, have plan B lined up. Have asked my mom to look through stuff in South Africa and see if she can find any of the old Dr Cohen diet stuff and then I'm going to compare to the TLC. I'm thinking of starting now ie. from lunch onwards since I already had breakfast. I know most of the things that are different between the two diets - so really I could start right now (and just use the TLC amounts of protein and veg) and not procrastinate! YES! Okay you are all my witnesses - I'M STARTING!!!!!
Have been reading up on a lot of documentation with regard to my lupus like symptoms and a lot of things point to a body that is really acidic. An acidic body leads to the destruction of cells which results in arthritic type aches and pains in muscles and joints, skin rashes, impaired immunity, bowel disorders, hightened food senstivities, photosenstivity etc etc. And some of the things that make the body really acidic are caeffine, asparatine (like in Diet Soda's), cocoa, beef, sugar and wheat flour. Realised that especially in regard to the diet sodas and the cocoa that I was doing both on the diet! I was also still eating snack bread (wheat flour) even though it was allowed on diet and I went through a spat of eating beef too right before I got hammered! The cocoa is not on Dr Cohen's diet list. My mom is going to send me a list that she received to help cope with arthritis that lists a lot of the most common foods grouped into alkaline producing foods, acid producing foods and I think it was neutral foods. I'm gong to combine this with the program and see if it makes a difference. Reckon my body needs all the help I can give it while it goes through detox.
My 3-day headache finally turned into a migraine today, but thank-you to hubby for going to the pharmacy for me and getting me some Cafecort - and saving my life!
On the upside though I had a much better food day - because I was too nauseas to eat! Breakfast was Aloe Vera gel and shake. Lunch was chicken and sweet corn soup and dinner was a Spanish omelette. I've not even snacked today! Decided that tonight I will go to bed before the snack attack hits! i start snacking at night to stay awake!
I'm feeling far more positive about my life again and my faith in myself seems to be resurrecting! They say that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. So okay, I've now done worse, so here's to better!
Sorry, been at a loss for words the past few days! I think that it has to do with lack of sleep - brains having problems finding the right gears! My weight has at least not gone up again, thankfully. I seem to be stuck at 95.7kgs. Still no word from Dr Cohen, but I've decided that this at leasts gives me time to use the Aloe Vera Clean 9 package that I bought about a month ago! It wasn't cheap and since I did buy it, I might as well use it! I'm real good at buying stuff that I don't use ;-)
So the plan for now is to supplement diet with at least 1 shake a day, but I can do upto 2. Going to try to eat every 3 hours and will do best to make sure it is sugar and wheat free. And I need to drink the Aloe Vera Gel twice a day. I actually really enjoyed many of the meals that I ate on the TLC so will eat that style. I also bought Glucofast tablets from the States many months ago and then only used them for a week or so and then....dunno...just gave up, and I can't even remember why! I know that I need to give it a better try than that especially since natural remedies usually take at least 2 to 3 months for results. I bought it as an alternative to using Glucophage (Metformin) which I was taking to regulate my insulin. But, I was really starting to struggle with bowel problems and cramps and it can be an aggravating factor. So I stopped it and got hold of the Glucofast. Now I remember why I stopped - and it's still not a good reason! I had a couple of really bad weeks of IBS and was so tired etc. that I just kept forgetting to take the new tablets and I was eating to comfort myself. Eventually I justs couldnt' be bothered to make the effort! Story of my life!
Time to make an effort again and care more about myself. And on that note need to go get some more water.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Well today didn't start out so good, but it is definitely ending on a better note. Hubby came home and BBQ'ed some meat. Added a salad and voila dinner was served and I didn't have to make too many decisions. He has definitely been in a better mood all week and far more supportive. There have not been the usual critisism's that I get for going off the diet. Part of me feels a little panicky that I've been off diet all week, but I don't feel guilty because I feel like I have still made progress - albeit not on the scales! Had a moment this afternoon where I just felt completely overwhelmed by the mess in the house, but the kids, bless them, helped me get stuck in and now everything seems more manageable.
Although I am extremely tired, I do feel like I will soon be strong enough to start again. With all the support that I have been given over the past few days, I feel like I've been through intensive therapy! Now I'm trying to assimulate it all!
I feel like I have been hit by a bus!!! What happened? I am just sooooo tired! Oh well, I am trying to remind myself that it's okay and to take some time to get back on track again. I seem to do okay until I get to the end of the day, and then I hop on the binge train! Was just reading on Joy's blog about the 5% of people who are successful at getting their weight off and keeping it off - they were prepared for failure. Perhaps I will look back on this time in years to come and will be able to see this as the wobble that helped to ensure my long term success. I still haven't heard back as to whether I have been accepted on Dr Cohen's program but perhaps this time that I have now while I wait is good. I am having to take a real good look inside myself and deal with so many of my issues surrounding my weight.
I know that stress is definitely a big factor in my eating right now. There is always going to be stress in life and I need to get a handle on it now. And on that note, I am going to go have a soaking bath and then this afternoon I need to make a cot bumper for someone - have been procrastinating on it all week (I'm scared that it won't be perfect!) I know that I will feel better once it is out of the way.
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!" W.C. Fields
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work" Thomas Alva Edison
Dang, don't you just hate it when that graph goes up again! Oh well, it will go down again. I see it as my 'learning' curve. It's there to teach me about consequences! it' also my reminder about how sometimes things have to get worse in order to get better.
I'm definitely one of those people who does a lot better with a clearly defined plan. As I type I am eating my plain L/f yogurt this morning and I am going to eat according to the plan that I already have. It may not be ideal, but it at least gives me the structure that I need while I wait to get my new plan from Dr Cohen.
On the upside my face has cleared a bit, but I think that I still need to get myself back to the doctor. I had an episode of drug induced lupus in 2003 and I have realised that the rash on my face could well be related. So again, I need to pull my head out of the sand (where I still worry anyway) and do something pro-active.
Because I want an accurate account of my ups and downs this time, I thought it a good idea to track everything this time. So, thanks to what I ate the last two days, this morning I have woken up with a swollen tummy with spikey pain in my abdomen, really stiff neck (can't turn my head to the right - swelling in my neck is pinching a nerve), swollen hands and sore joints and a swollen face. Although I did not binge eat as badly as I usually do when I break a diet (you know the 'in for a penny, in for a pound' strategy), I did eat chocolate, chips, bread, candy, etc and I didn't drink much water.
But, I'm not feeling sorry for myself and I'm not feeling guilty either. I actually feel like I've gained something so valuable over the past few days that it makes it all worth it! Lynette I promise I will ask for help more often. And Joy, you are right, being fat does make us experience life differently. it's an oppotunity to learn compassion, to re-evaluate the criteria by which we choose the people we surround ourselves with and to become more aware about the judgements we make about ourselves and other people.
Whenever I have been thin in the past I have taken it for granted and not fully appreciated what a gift it is to be lean and healthy. I still never felt good enough and I still didn't do the things that I had planned to do when I got to a certain weight. I guess the consequence was to end up fat again, until I learn!
Anyway, I'm planning to have a good day today and hope you are too!
A BIG THANK-YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE SENT ME WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND 'HELD MY HAND' WHILE I HAD MY WOBBLY!
Perhaps I am learning to do things differently! I have never allowed myself to be this vunerable publicly and I really had big reservations about letting it all hang out - but you have all been so wonderful,so supportive and understanding, that I feel quite liberated! There's this gang of friends behind me,so I am not facing this on my own.
To me, sharing my woes, always felt like i was burdening someone else! Yet I would never want someone else to feel that by sharing their problems that they were in any way burdening me. For me it would be validation that they felt I was a good enough friend! Now I see that it is not about my worthiness, but about how open and honest and caring we are with one another.
During a difficult time some years ago (when I was very ill) I had to rely on a close friend to help me and I kept apologising to her! She told me to stop apologising and that if I couldn't let her be there for me, then how was she ever going to feel that she could ask the same of me! It takes a lot of courage to ask for help, and if our friends feel that we would not ask them, then how can they ask us!
Anyhow, I feel renewed vigour and I'm determined that tomorrow is going to be a good day - a conscious day!!! My love to all of you and I hope that tomorrow is a good day for you all too!
Well I really did have a bad bout of feeling sorry for myself yesterday and today I feel like I have a hangover - minus the headache! Wasn't sure if I was going to leave that post here or wipe it off because it's not in keeping with my 'everythings fine and I can cope with anything' image! But then I thought that if I sensor myself too much, then what's the point! If I'm not prepared to put myself out there - the good, the bad and the damn ugly, then I'm not going to benefit and nor will anyone else. This site isn't about how to do the perfect diet. It's about sharing and caring, supporting and being supported by other people who understand the struggle.
A large part of me just wants to run and stick my head in the sand again. The difference this time, is I have all of you!
Well today I fell in the ditch! Just a totally blah day! I"m still waiting to see if I get accepted onto the Dr Cohen plan and in the meantime I just feel so deflated! My skin has been getting worse over the past few weeks and then on Wednesday, a few hours after taking the kids to the pool, my skin just erupted in a nasty red, raised, prickly rash all over my cheeks. It improved slightly on Thursday and then Friday morning I walked in the sun to a friends house and a few hours later, my skin got worse again. I think that for some reason I have become terribly sun sensitive! Every time I get direct sun, my skin gets worse!
I was so uncomfortable last night and just feeling so stressed out that I barely slept! We have had a few financial set backs over the past few months and are trying to juggle everything so that Peter can get a new car and we can pay for our trip to Oz in Dec. Because DH only wants a 4x4 we are limited to buying a second hand vehicle, which over here is a real hit or miss affair - how we landed in trouble in the first place since the Landy DH bought turned out to be a real dud!!!! It's a piggy bank on wheels! Somehow it always comes down to me to figure everything out!!! Most of the time I feel like the only adult in the house!
Then this morning I had to get up early and bake for a baby shower that I was invited to, but really did not feel like going to. Feeling absolutely gorgeous with my red face I trundled up there for two hours of intense discomfort - emotional discomfort! Although I'm not weighing my food, I had not intended to eat anything there. I was sort of hoping to blend into the background for an hour and then escape back to the saftey of my home! I managed to hold out until everyone else had helped themselves to the buffet, before someone asked me if I was going to eat anything! Then this strange phenomena took over me and I found myself smiling and saying I was just heading that way. I did not want to draw attention to myself by saying I was on a diet and having to explain anything. I grabbed a few things and went to find myseslf a seat where I hoped I could just disappear! I managed to steer clear of the chocolate cake, milk tart and carrot cake, but once I ate a sausage roll, I was hooked...
it's amazing to me that at 36 I could still be so uncomfortable in my own skin and still be haunted by so many ghosts from the past! You know the ones...the ones that tell you that you aren't good enough, that you'll never fit in and that everyone else is going to judge you by how you look and what you do - often experienced this feeling back in school - of not fitting in and feeling like I was being judged! When I'm in a situation (a social situation especially) where I am surrounded by too many people, and people that I don't know, those voices get so loud and my need to become one with the furniture so desparate it's pathetic! And the thing is, I haven't always been like that. I think of myself as an social person. I'm not gregarious, but I'm also no introvert! When I have been thin, I've enjoyed socialising and meeting new people. But I don't understand why that self-confidence is so short lived? I've got the art of 'blending in' down to a fine art. My blubber is like this suit that I have cultivated to keep people at bay. But it is also my prison and it keeps me stuck! Not to sound like someone with a multiple personality disorder, but it's like there are two people inside me (there's enough of me for two!). The one is thin, confident, out-going, adventureous, loves to dance and dress up and the other is something of a hermit, not wanting to leave her comfort zone, dresses to cover and does not want to be noticed at any cost!
It's hard to constantly be pulled in two different directions. Half the time I'm coping and the other half I'm just hiding! it means I'm inconsistent with everything in my life! I avoid conflict like the plague, find it difficult to tackle problems head on and am unable to express myself properly - thus my marriage is always on the brink and I'm always in limbo!
Gosh! Am I ever having a good whine now!! Better stop while I'm ahead, this message is getting too depressing and I'm not sure if it's making me feel any better!
Okay, I'm going to post this and deal with it tomorrow!
I just discovered last night that the diet I am doing, that I thought was a Dr Cohen sanctioned diet, is in fact - NOT! This has thrown me a bit, but it also makes sense as I never struggled this badly on a real Dr Cohen diet! I have signed up with him now and while I wait to get organised through him, I will continue eating this style, but I am not going to be so bothered with weighing! If I am going to go to this much trouble then I want to be doing the real deal! I felt like giving up altogether this morning, especially since we were invited over to a friends house for brunch (weekend here) and there were lots of lovely goodies to eat! But I did my yogurt before we left and I ate an apple and drank lots of water while there. I'm not going to throw in the towel altogether after coming this far! Especially after fitting back into a pair of pants that I haven't been able to wear for over a year! Anyway, I am still hanging in there, I don't want this to derail me. I am so focused on being able to fly to Australia in December - and I want to do it being able to comfortably fit into the seat (which are so much narrower these days to begin with) and I don't want to be worrying myself stupid about forming clots etc. Besides which when you have a skinny mother-in-law who always has a ton to say about my weight, I would just like to be able to avoid those conversations altogether!!!!
Oh well, it will go down again. I see it as my 'learning' curve. It's there to teach me about consequences! it' also my reminder about how sometimes things have to get worse in order to get better.