THE FAT DIARIES

Feels like it's been years!

Thursday, December 7, 2006 22:05:10

Well I'm back here again and as much as I hate to log an increase in my weight - well there it is. Up almost 5kgs again! Boy does it feel bad! Anyway not going to wallow in self pity, need to get back on band wagon again.

To cut short a long story I'm now back in South Africa living with my parents and hubby is still in Saudi seeing out the end of his contract. I just couldn't do Saudi anymore! I've now got the kids back in school and they are happy and I"m plucking up the courage to start painting and creating again. I want to see if I can put enough artwork together over the next 6 months to have an exhibit.

Over the past few weeks I think that I have been eating as a way to avoid starting with my art! This last week I finally started drawing again and went and bought myself some art supplies. I also went to gym this week. It's quite unique in that the woman takes small groups of 4/5 people at a time for an hour and supervises you through a course of exercises.

Now I've got to clean up the eating again and cut out all the processed foods that have crept back onto my menu! I also want to look around and see if I can find a dojo where I can continue my taekwondo. Of all the things in Saudi this is what I miss most! I think that it's important that exercise be fun and since I really enjoyed that, I'm likely to stick with it. I think that the taekwondo was really a large part of the key that kept me loosing weight and motivated.

To everyone out there that I've neglected over the past few months - I'm sorry, but I'm still here and will check in with everyone over the next week. And if you are still hanging around here, then well done and keep it up!

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Ray of hope!

Sunday, December 3, 2006 23:00:05

Things definitely happen for a reason. Sometimes in our worst moments we receive blinding clarity. If things hadn't gotten so bad yesterday then I would never have reached out and picked up "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. After my blog last night I suddenly felt an urge to go find that book. Then I decided to just open it somewhere and see what it said. This is where I opened it to:

Step 1: Ask

Get clear on the weight that you want to be. Have a picture in your mind of what you will look like when you have become that perfect weight. Get pictures of yourself at your perfect weight, if you have them, and look at them often. If not, get pictures of the body you would like to have and look at those often.

Step 2: Believe

You must believe you will receive and that the perfect weight is yours already. You must imagine, pretend, act as if, make-believe, that the perfect weight is yours. You must see yourself as receiving that perfect weight.

Write out your perfect weight and place it over the readout of your scale, or don't weigh yourself at all. Do not contradict what you have asked for with thougths, words, and actions. Don't buy clothes at your current weight. Have faith and focus on the clothes you are going to buy. Attracting the perfect weight is the same as placing an order with the catalogue of the Universe. You look through the catalogue, choose the perfect weight, place your order, and then it is delivered to you.

Make it your intention to look for, admire, and inwardly praise people with your idea of perfeact-weight bodies. Seek them out and as you admire them and feel the feelings of that - you are summoning it to you. If you see people who are overweight, do not observe them, but immediately switch your mind to the picture of you in your perfect body and feel it.

Step 3: Receive

You must feel good. you must feel good about You. This is important, because you cannot attract your perfect weight if you feel bad about your body now. If you feel bad about your body, that is a powerful feeling, and you will continue to attract feeling bad about your body. You will never change your body if you are critical of it and find fault with it, and in fact you will attract more weight to you. Praise and bless every square inch of your body. Think about all the perfect things about You. As you think perfect thoughts, as you feel good about You, you are on the frequency of your perfect weight, and you are summoning perfection.

I realise that despite the fact that I've lost 24kgs already, that I still send out really negative messages about myself. I'm always waiting to fail. I'm always thinking don't and not - I don't want to fail, I will not fail - and the message the universe is receiving is I want to fail, I will fail. The Universe doesn't get the don't and the not - it only works in reaction to your predominate thoughts. So today I'm working on CAN AND DO. I'm working on being conscious of the messages I'm sending out and what thoughts are dominating my mind.

I've started reading the book now from the begining and it is really changing my view of what is possible.

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BLAH! AND DOUBLE BLAH!

Monday, December 4, 2006 00:09:14

The last two days I have really been down in the dumps! No nice way to say it - I've just had the extreme blahs! Over the last two weeks I've dealt with sick kids - kid number two down this week (I'm tired of moping up vomit!) and I've felt awful. I've been getting more and more tired, a scarey amount of my hair has fallen out, my skin is itchy, my joints hurt and all my lymph nodes are swollen! And to top off just how crappy I'm feeling (and feeling really sorry for myself), I binged today! I didn't binge as badly as I normally did before this program - but the reality is I ate quite a bit of junk that is off the plan.

I am so tired of this place - the dirty skies continuously, dust everywhere, second rate produce and undrinkable water, and so much more! I need some frigging normal. Hubby is trying to see if he can get me and the kids earlier flights but we have to wait for the money for the tickets to clear from the company first - which should have happened over a month ago, but someone boo boo'd. We probably would have been okay if we hadn't had to pump more money into the damn car! I so need a break from him for a while too!

AAAAAHHHHH!!

Okay, I think I've gotten that out of my system. Just bear with me while I check to see if there is more......

...kids, car, husband, husband's company, weather, food....nope I think I've covered most of it. Thanks for bearing with me while I had a good whine! I really hope I've gotten it out of my system so that tomorrow I can get back with the program and not derail myself completely. I've come so far I can't believe that I let myself slide like that today....thump, thump, thump...that's me hitting my head against the wall!

Please everyone give me a kick up the backside, shake me back into my senses and help me get back on track asap!!!

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Almost!

Monday, December 4, 2006 00:05:01

I discovered yesterday that the possibility of sliding back into old habits is still there. I was so tired and dh let me know late afternoon that he had forgotten to tell me we were having company for dinner and that the one guy might stay over. After a day of keeping my two plus 2 occupied making easter decorations, cleaning up after them etc. and still feeling drained after looking after sickies all week - I found myself in the kitchen preparing supper and wondering if I could have just one little snack to keep me going. And by snack I mean something sweet! After a thankfully, short debate with myself I opted for my snack bread allowance and a diet soft drink - but that was close!

I think I must also be working through some sort of cellulite layer filled with toxic waste! That horrid hard lumpy layer under my skin on my upper arms and the back of my legs seems to be turning to mush now. With that stuff recirculating in my system, this could also be adding to the tiredness etc. that I'm feeling right now. Better keep up with the water and make sure that I flush it out of the system asap!

Hmmmm....it may also be time to add another full lengh photo of myself. I'd better organise with hubby to take a pic of me. To all of you out there battling your own demons and trying to free the lean person within - I'm right there with you!

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Hello!

Monday, December 4, 2006 00:03:06

On the upside - I've had a nice weight loss the last week. I've got funny lumps on my upper arms and the back of my legs - I think that I'm now down to some really stubborn cellulite! I hadn't even realised that I had it on my arms - or that that was even possible! I guess you learn something new everyday! Anyway, I am diligently drinking my water as it needs to go!!! At least it shows me that this program is working.

On the downside the kids have all been sick. My dd has had a tummy bug for a few days and ds has a head cold. Dd has now joined ds with head cold and cough and I"m also all bunged up. So I am quite sleep deprived. Oh well! Life goes on and as long as I'm still loosing weight I seem to be able to cope with just about anything else!

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Chaos reigns supreme!

Saturday, December 2, 2006 22:07:04

It's one of those times in life where it feels like everything is happening at once! I have a house full of builders who have started making some alterations to our villa, I'm trying to finish a whole lot of quilt squares for two friendship quilt projects - one with Joy and some other ladies, and one for the quilt quild - which are all due asap! No homeschooling is getting done with half the house in shambles and under plastic covers and we are trying to make some plans for our summer holidays as well as long term plans to get out of here!

Then to top it all I had quite a confrontation yesterday at Taekwondo with the parents of one really rude, disrepectful little boy! Now I'm generally a very mild mannered person who avoids confrontations at all costs. But, yesterday this little boy pushed the limit to breaking point. Our Sensei (teacher), another young woman (black belt) and myself had all given him ample warnings to behave himself and he still persisted. After being asked for the umpteenth time to quit fooling around and show the appropriate respect in class, he retaliated by saying he didn't have to listen to anyone with "boobs"! Well Heather and I lost it at that point! I marched him out of the class as we had threatened to do. At this point he still thought it was funny!

It wasn't so funny by the time he arrived home and obviously realised that his troubles had only just started! He burst into tears and he parents horribly over-reacted and barged into the class guns firing (not literally, I'm speaking figuratively!). They simply could not believe that their little angel could possibly be a brat who has been pushing the limits for months now! These are the same parents who insisted that the brat (sorry to use such a strong word) be given a yellow belt because everyone else in the class had one - not because he had earned it! Anyway, after a very heated confrontation, they eventually conceded that they had over-reacted and that there son was in fact in the wrong! They apologized to me but the whole incident has still left a really bad taste in my mouth!

But I have learned some things from this! I learn't that even when the sort of thing I really hate, like confrontation happens, I no longer need to run to the kitchen to comfort myself! I'm working through the feelings that this stirred and the emotional discomfort I experience at having to speak my mind! I learn't that the harder we try to avoid uncomfortable situations, the more we bring them upon ourselves! If I had spoken to the parents earlier, perhaps things wouldn't have reached boiling point!

How I came to be the disciplinarian in the first place is a mystery to me too! This too is also a role that I'm not comfortable with! But, with such a huge class and kids from all sorts of different cultural backgrounds and a wide variety of views on acceptable behaviour, our Sensei was overwhelmed without help! In this country too, being Phillipino, he is very aware that many other cultures regard him as somehow inferior and don't appreciate him enforcing discipline with their children! This is not a situation that I can or will accept. I'm having to take a stand on something I believe in. So while I still feel extreme discomfort with regard to the whole situation, I'm also proud of myself because I didn't fold, I didn't loose control in the situation, I argued logically without getting totally flustered! I was still shaking hours later, but I realise that this was quite a learning oppotunity for me - I'll just keep telling myself that!

I'm now going to help Sensei draft a code of conduct and informational letter to distribute to the parents to empower him to have the authority to enforce discipline in the class - for the benefit of everyone. Without discipline and respect - we have chaos, and little progress. Without a code of conduct in our lives, we don't have self-respect or confidence. These are important things that I want my children to have. And they will only learn it effectively, if they see me apply it in my life.

Anyway, thank-you for bearing with me as I ranted and raved and worked my way through the events of yesterday.

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Inching past the half-way mark!

Saturday, December 2, 2006 23:09:15

And it's all down-hill from here - down the chart that is! Boy...half-way! There was a time I never thought that I would get this far! Now I need to keep my head down, keep up the water and loose it!

The rash finally cleared - yay! Was a bit tired and headachey today - I think it's this weird weather we are having. Overcast, a touch of rain and another cold spell - most unusual for this time of the year! Usually by now we are well into summer with plus 30C temperatures.

I want to start my first 3 month course in Image Consultancy asap and hopefully be finished with it so that I can do the practicals when I go home over the summer. Then when I come back I want to start my one year Beauty Therapy course.

I'm hoping that our house back in South Africa will sell soon and give us a little bit of a financial breather - so please pray that it sells for a good price soon!

I"m going home on the 20th June, so I am hoping that I will have finished my diet and the re-feeding program by then. This will give me about 13 weeks to finish. So quickly doing my maths......over 13 weeks that's 1.5kg a week and then I still need about 2 weeks for re-feeding. Hmmm....okay, so to get to 58kgs, I need to loose another 19.7kgs over 11 weeks - that's about 1.79kgs a week, and then 2 weeks for re-feeding. Hang on I'm supposed to start re-feeding 2kgs from goal. So that's 17.7kgs over 11 weeks. Which is 1.6kgs a week. Just quickly calculated my weight loss over the last 10 weeks that I'm been doing Cohen's program and my average weight loss has been 1.79kgs a week!

THis is possible if I really stick to this 100% and drink my water diligently. If not. Well it's not a train smash - I will be finishing in South Africa. It's just the eating while flying bit that gets tricky. Anyway, here goes....

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Bye bye 80!

Saturday, December 2, 2006 23:04:16

Bring on 70! Having gotten to 79 now, makes 70 seem possible! I put on my wedding ring today - and yay! - it fits! It has been a while!

On the downside, I've reacted again to something I've eaten or come into contact with and have a horrid itchy, red, bumpy rash again on my face and neck! Aaagh! Perhaps need to watch the salad dressing I've been using - this has been my one "cheat" treat until now. I think this is a sign to give it a skip!

Thank-you to everyone who has left me such lovely words of encouragement! And on that note I'm off to get some beauty sleep. Hopefully in the morning I will be rash free!

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Me again!

Saturday, December 2, 2006 23:00:11

I almost forgot to update you guys on the other stuff going on in my life! I said I would tell you guys more about stuff that I was facing up to. So the big thing was a marriage that was seriously sucky! My husband is not a bad person, but our marriage seemed to have run it's course and I was no longer prepared to live in blah land! I finally mustered the courage to have a serious talk with him and for a bit there is looked like it was all over and that I would be heading back to South Africa asap. Then hubby did some thinking and we did some more talking (he did some begging) and we are giving it another go. This time I have set a deadline for 3 months to at least show improvement with both of us making an effort. I don't want anther year to go by and to find myself still stuck in the same place with him.

On the upside I discovered that I am stronger than I thought and I am prepared to leave if I have to. Another thing is that he has agreed to help finance me in furthering my education. One thing that has kept me with him and made me feel trapped, was that I gave up my career before I was qualified and now I don't have qualifications that I can fall back on to provide me with a reasonable standard of living should we split or if something should happen to him. Plus it was the first time that I really acknowledged and voiced the fact that I hate being a full time mom, housekeeper and homeschooler!

I love my children dearly, but I need more to be a fully functioning person in my own right. I need more interaction and stimulation. At the same time though, I still want to be available to my kids when they go back into a normal school situation again - and they will as there is no way I'm homeschooling for the rest of their educations! So I need something that could be run from home or in my hours. And that also means that I do not want to live here indefinitely. Even if we can't go from here directly to Oz, then we'll head back to SA for a bit. So, we have a plan of action and are both finally getting pro-active with regards to our futures.

My sister suggested that I would be great as a beauty therapist. Growing up I was always doing everyone's hair and makeup and helping them decide what to wear. Somehow over the years although I had thought of it, I didnt' think I would be capable of doing it - and that I certainly wouldn't look the part! Now that I'm getting back in touch with my feminine side again and making more effort with my appearance - and I have more energy again - I believe that I could do this.

I've found a one year course in beauty therapy that I can do via correspondence that requires 7 days of practicals back in South Africa in order to receive certification. There is also a 3 month course in Image Consultancy and a 3 month Reflexology course that I want to do as well. So finances willing, I will sign up next month for the one year course! If they aren't too heavy and I can handle it then I'd like to do the other courses concurrently as well so that in a year's time I can be finished.

So changes in the pipeline all round. A few months ago I could not have envisigned changing my life, but now...while change is still scary...it's do'able!

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Time to up things a bit!

Saturday, December 2, 2006 23:00:10

Okay, I've posted an update pic. Little difficult to take a pic of oneself! I've now hit 79.8kgs and it feels good to finally be below 80kgs again. End of this month I go for another round of blood tests and I've just realised that that will make it 12 weeks on the program! I've usually lost faster than this before, but then I think that before I was sticking to things 100% ie. weighed every meal and I drank my quota of water consistantly.

So I need to up the ante a bit and make sure that I'm weighing all my meals and that I get in my water every day. The 31st is my half-way mark and I want to ensure that I have lost at least half my extra weight, if not more. So minimum 20kgs, but idealy I'd like to get off at least 25kgs. So this is the challenge that I'm setting myself.

Hope that everyone else is doing well. I see that a few people have fallen off the radar and I hope that they will return. To the rest of you still hanging in there for better or worse - thank-you and well done!

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