DVT scare :(

god what a day! last night my right calf started hurting i noticed a little blue vain & a little broken purple one, about under a quater of a inch.

im panicing thinking its DVT and what have i dont to myself, as when im depressed i eat, how many more exuses am i going to use not to lose weight?!

anyway phone the emerge docs jsut now & i give him my description & he assures me its a little broken vain, i said is it to do with my weight i need to lose about 5 stone  he says 'id by lying to you if i said it was to do with your weight! in fact you could be 7 stone and get them' then he said 'id prob say 5% to do with weight, its actually just like gettin a nose bleed anyone can get them'

i was SO frightened, honestly ive just been crying, DIET STARTS NOW! no more tommrorws, im sick of being fat, even if i am in pain it doesnt mean eat alot of crap does it?

right! *power on!*

Back... again!

oh dear back again! managed to lose 1lb this week, been to see my psy who has pesribed me anti-depressents, really didnt want to be on them but we have now discovered that i duffer from a really bad form of: Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome 

i know it sounds funny! but its not something i can just get out of, i didnt relaise how bad i get it until i wrote it all down everyday for about 2 years, took us ages to connect it, maybe its linked to my endometriosis! i dont know!

anyway im going to take the lowest amount & cut that in half!  apprently the tablet makes you not want to eat! haha! yippee!  lol!

well i have stocked up on the fridge & i am going back on track tom! they must be the owrds i have spoke most in my entire life!

OH! i have also had the worst week EVER, first the car breaks down & needs to go in the garage, then our boiler blows up and catches light, no heating/hotwater/gas for 5 days (then we find ouyt we actully did have gas- to cook on haha) THEN! our car is parked in its own parking space....and gets clamped!!?  NOT happy had to pay them £200 to take it off, lcuky i was home as they were sending a tow truck out!? gave us 15mins to pay from the time they put it on, even though my boyf was at work, 100miles away! lucky i was home (although where else would i be?) and i went out by myself  first time in like over a year to get the money from the bank to pay them, i was sick when i got back because i ran & i now cant walk as my ankles and shins really hurt! great! OH! if we hadnt have paid it would have cost £700 to get our car back from them....to be parked in its own space.....what a great country

sneaks back...

wow i didnt realise i hadnt posted for so long!

my depression has just got worse, i went to the doctors for help with my weight and he just pointed to his head and said 'when your ready your know' to lose weight......... yeh thanks but that donest really help me does it? its not often i ask for help (never actually) and now i feel stupid for asking!

anyway! lost 2lb without trying as ive eaten crap all week again, actully thats not true, ive not eaten bad, jsut too much of a good thing really!

anyway back on track tom, i know i know sounds like a broken record! but i do want to lose weight, although i can feel my motivation slipping as i even write this! :( ah dear i wont bore you all!!!

bring on tomooooooorowwwww!

lol i cant wait to get back on track tom! am so fired up i cant waiut to lose this weight............. i dont want to fail again i can do it!!

back on track...........

god it seriously feels like i say this all of the time 'ill start tom' or 'ill start monday' 'this time ill do it'

whats wrong with me? i want this so much to lsoe weight yet i sabatage myself all of the time?  

i even started to consider weight loss surgery, i mean am i so addicted to food or so out of control i cant stop myself? i dont want to eat crap food!!

so im spending the weekend cutting down & starting my paln again on monday, even if im not well enough to exercise i can still eat healthy cant i? i have to do this now, i really have to

WI result!

wow this is the longest time i havnet posted for...sorry guys! well i havent even been on plan this week due to endo pain  and i only gained 1lb!!! was amazed the amount ive eaten, i get so hungry!

anyway still got this all week and its not even a real totm! got that to come week after next/week after that.......oh yippee

anyway ive been sleeping and watching tv mostly, just so tired, which i get alot so just gota put up with lovely pains and lovely depression for antoerh month then i get a couple of months which im not so bad.....wow what a great life!

valentines day!

well have had some crappy news this week about my boyfs hours, i say hours i mean Days at work being cut :-( so we literally have to move!

so tonight we are having a nice V day meal! at first i was going to go all out, but then we thought why? so were going to have veggie hot dogs & mcains chips, for a bout 8 points each! lol!

everythings been pointed, i thought why go crazy? i want to lose weight and one day shouldnt make me go mad! just waiting for the food delivery!

going well, but feeling like rubbish!

ah dear, my totm is coming, i feel like dying, honestly, esp when you have endometriosis, i can barely eat  i feel sick, my stmach is HUGELY swollen and i cant exercise becase of pain.... yippeee

i dont expect any weight loss this week, not with the way im feeling i normally gain 7lb / 10lb during totm, so this weeks WI will be a great joy to me!.....NOT! i cant wait to get back to it though, i havent lost my thought or whatever word i cant think of!! to do it, ive worked out if i get back on it by next thurs i can still lose like a stone by my birthday, but i am still eating healthy i just think ill gain because of totm

anyway, going to go now and be boring and do nothing, oh might watch a film while waiting for my giant body yes body!! pillow to be delivered!!

The fattest invisable girl

i honestly do not know if i am being paranoid or what, but i feel like when i go out im the most invisable person in the world!

i went shopping today, and i dont know if anyone out there who knows me know but i am actually agrophobic! i have 'safe places' wher i can go out to though, and today we popped to sainsburys, i was so hungry so we went into boots to get a meal deal, got a few other bits and put them down at the counter, i stood next to my boyf he held my hand and we talked, all of our stuff was together, and then the lady says 'is this all together?' i mean what does THAT mean? she never once looked at me, it was like i was nt even there, and that happened the other week at sainsburys, my boyf once again was asked if our stuff was together? WHY? am i invisable? surely people can see me im 18 fecking odd stone for gods sake?! am i too fat to have a boyf?! i dnuuo?!

also when i catch peoples eyes, i smile, im polite and its a nice thing to do, yet i either get looked right through or no one smiles back, AM I PARANOID? is everyone just misarable?

i mean i am good looking, i have a really nice face, i was asked to model when i was slimemr for gods sack! my little double chin i had has nearly gone so its just my body and im working on there, i know i shouldnt care what other people think , i mean im not That big where as you see 30 odd stone people on tv and you know there big,  i look nothing like them, its just really getting me down!

WI result, AFTER 5 days! oh and V DAY!

yahhh! lost 4lb, in 5 days! i thought it was 6 days but its 5!

i couldnt wait until tom to WI, plus ive really hurt my neck  so can barely move or do anything!

am quite excited about valentines day! have been with the boyf 5 years and 4 months and 5 days! lol! and i think we celbrated it the first year...and nothing since, jsut couldnt be botherd, but were both trying more so i am excited! i have bought ots of little things that go in a hamper, looks really good (not food!)....ok well some choci! lol! so looking forward to that on wed!

yah 4lb!