Change

And as is always the case, change does not come easy.  As if in a holding pattern, I accomplish nothing.  I accomplish nothing because I try nothing.  I need only take one step, the first step.  But just as soon as I do, I spiral down a whirlpool of self doubt and regret, depression and even anger.  I come out on the other side three steps back of where I started.  For me, the key isn't anything on the outside, nothing tangible.  Change needs to come from within... A concept so foreign to me, I'm not sure what can trigger it.

Prologue

This is big.  My world doesn't take kindly to change.  Negativity and indifference are my comforts.  Have been my comforts.  I need to turn it all around, otherwise I won't be here much longer.  Won't be here for those that love me and depend on me.  Won't be here for the ones I love. 

Pinpointing the problem isn't easy.  I'm a malcontent.  As a youth I never had what I wanted.  As a young man, I got as much as I could.  It never was enough.  Never enough to fill that void that had grown within me for so many years.  I've slowly but surely destroyed my mind and body.  With anything and everything I could get my hands on.  I'm amazed that I stand here today.  I was invincible for a long time.  Those days are gone.  I see the dark clouds approaching now.  I feel the cold creeping in.  I can't say I haven't grown wise through all of this.

I want to turn it all around.  I want to be here for those who need me.  I want to be here for the ones that I love.  I want to be here to see what could be.