You're So Vain...
The shirt I am wearing today is so baggy on me it's shameful. And the best part was when I bought it, I could barely get it closed. *grin* And my pants...a size 20. That's like 4-6 sizes depending on if you want me to admit I was up to a size 26 before. I was fitting into size 24, but I probably shouldn't have been. *lol*
Losing weight has been great for my self esteem. And I look in the mirror and wonder, "what will another 50 lbs gone look like?" I used to avoid mirrors, now I stop and look, trying to really see me through the mental block I had in place for so long. The real test will be this weekend when I think the camera will be out. I previously avoided the camera like the plague, wanting no record of my existence at all. But now, I am curious to see what a picture will show. Pictures, taken in the moment with no careful posing that conceals extra bulges, looking for flattering lighting, or the ability to do an instant "do over" because it definitely is not a good shot...those are the ones that show the you that you don't want to see. But I want to see her. I want to see her because it gives me clarity on what I've done to myself and knowing how hard I've worked to just get [ here ] means that it will inspire me to keep going. I may never be as thin as my sister, but that doesn't mean I have to be as big as my dad.
Want to know my favorite part of losing the weight? Finding my jaw line and seeing my sloped chin start to disappear. I admit...I stare at my jaw and chin in my reflection now. I am lucky that the weight came off my face so fast, and I look at myself because it's been years since I recognized my features as a whole. Before it was, "oh, I have nice lips" and "my nose is cute." Now I look at the whole face (including the jaw line and chin) and think, "maybe people aren't lying when they say I am pretty." Only two times in my life has someone called me pretty/beautiful and I have ever believed them. For someone who is 31 years old, that's sad.
How can someone who is morbidly obese be vain? Am I vain because I feel prettier? I don't know. And I don't think I care. I am just happier, and I think that translates into feeling better about how I look. And I think I deserve to feel pretty...doesn't everyone?