Letting Life Happen

Random Vent of a Returning Slacker soon to be Doer

It's been almost 1.5 years since my last blog.  I am now at 170 lbs (at least that's what it was the last time I got on the scale a few weeks ago) and know that I desperately need to do something. 

Unfortunately (though some people call it fortunate) any weight I gain is so evenly distributed that I don't even realizing I'm gaining until I try something on that I haven't worn in a few weeks only to find that it doesn't fit.

The lack of clothing items that fit well is putting a serious halt to my life.  Since trying to find something to wear is such a struggle most often I'll choose to stay home rather than go through that mental anguish.  I have a ton of awesome clothes in my closet and can only wear maybe 1% of it.  That is NOT good!!! 

I've been trying to figure out how I let this happen.  Well, let me rephrase that.  Not how I let it happen, since it didn't 'happen' but how I did this to myself.  How and Why!

I have these pictures of me at a water park in the summer of 2002.  It was a few months after my first attempt at weight watchers.  I weighed about 142 or so.  I'd started weight watchers at about 152.  Even at 142 I thought that I had a long way to go.  But when I look at those pictures I wish that I could look like that again.  I was slim, athletic, flat tummy, toned arms.  Why couldn't I see then what I see now and is the never good enough part of the reason that made me regain it all plus more?

I have a lot of emotional work to do this time around.  Reading an older blog I was reminded that I was feeling angst about turning 36, now I'm feeling fear of turning 37 and having digressed.  I still plan on being a hot 40 year old. 

It's starting to show

A few weeks ago a friend said, "It's starting to show" in regards to my weight loss efforts.  Now mind you, at that time I really didn't think so.  Sure, the scale showed a loss but my clothes didn't.

Now, it's about three weeks later and I gained .2 at weigh on Monday but I can see that yes, "it's starting to show." 

I'm feeling my biceps and feeling a firm muscle.  I poke at my stomach and it's less squishy.  I do my Turbo Jam and it's easier and I feel so athletic.  I try on my clothes and they're starting to fit. 

It's amazing what those things can do for the self-esteem.  I'm even opening up my mind to trying online dating again because the me I used to be, the me that is real and healthy is comeing back with a vengeance.

It's a beautiful Day

I have two days of vacation to take before July so I chose to take them this week.  I checked the weather after making my decision yesterday and saw that the weather would be HOT!  WooHoo!

TOM started today, I didn't feel the horrible PMS symptoms I normally do.  No major desire to overeat, no major mood swings...maybe the healthy eating and working out do help with symptoms.  As a matter of fact, I got on the scale, just to see and I'm unofficially down another pound.

Life is good!

Insomnia and Working Out

I've had evening things going on the last two nights and have therefore planned on working out in the mornings to no avail.  I can't sleep and the lack of sleep isn't helping in the getting up early.  Luckily last night's evening activity was volleyball so that was a workout, but it just wasn't my TJ.

I'm having issues with the fact that I'll be 36 in six months.  I've never had issues with my age before but 36 sounds so close to 40 and the prospects of marriage and a family aren't looking good.  Not that I'm not hopeful that something will happen, but still.   I've been making myself feel better with the thought that with WW and TJ I will be a HOT 40 year old ;-)

Coming Along

Things are still going well.  I'm eating well and working out and others are starting to comment.  It feels great.  It helps that I have so many people around me focused on the same goals.

I'm an emotional eater, and I've had moments when I've wanted to eat crap but I've resisted.  I've stopped and been very aware of the reasons for the craving.

I ordered a new set of Turbo Jam DVD's because I know that I will be bored with my current ones in the next few weeks.  I get bored easily and my attention span can sometimes be non-existant.

We also have this great incentive program at work.  If we make our 12-week weight loss goal we get a $50 gift card and if we maintain for 12 weeks after that, we get another one for a higher amount.  For those of us on Weight Watchers, we'll also be reimbursed our fee. 

WooHoo!!!

No more hoping

I've given up hope as far as weight loss and fitness is concerned.  That is because it's not about "hoping" I eat right, or "hoping" I get my work out in.  It's about making the choice and doing it.

This weight loss and fitness journey is really clicking this time and I truly believe that it's because I've figured out that by making the right choices I've taken control.  I used to feel that not being able to eat anything I wanted, anytime I wanted was losing control but it's just the opposite.  Doing those things showed only a lack of control.  I'm in charge here and I'm not hoping that this time it will work, I'm making the choices that will make it a reality.

Down, Down, Down

I'm doing WW at work so we don't have a WI this week.  I could go to a center but I've already pre-paid and don't want to pay so I WI on my own scale just to have a weight for this week and stay motivated.  I'M DOWN 3.1 lbs!!!

My AC is working, it's only 10:30 so still a bit cool in the apartment and I'm about to do my TJ 20 min and then the sculpt.  After that I will do a repeat of yesterday and lay out for a few hours.  After that my sheets and towels need laundering.  I may actually save the laundry for tonight and head out somewhere.  I love doing exactly what I feel like doing without worrying about what everyone else thinks I should be doing.  PEACEFUL!

EDIT...I'm at my first goal so I will get a new workout outfit on Wednesday!

Aaahhh...relaxation

I haven't done much more than relax this weekend.  Oh, I've worked out but as far as social obligations...I didn't feel obligated.  I spent some time at my friend's house last night.  We ate, drank wine and had a nice relaxing time. 

This morning I got up, did my 20 minute Turbo Jam, decided to save the TJ Sculpt till tonight and then went to the deck to lay out. 

Maybe this is part of the new me.  Not feeling like just because it's a holiday weekend I have to be elsewhere doing "things."  I'm ok with staying home just because it's what I feel like doing.  Normally I'd be out doing something just because I'd hate to have to tell others that I did nothing all weekend.  It's good to be ok with myself and my choices.  YAY!!

Well, I'm ready to do the sculpt now but my AC is not blowing out cold air, it's just air and it's very warm here.  Maybe I'll have to rethink it and leave it till morning.  I guess I'll just do my own version till I get too hot then hop in the shower.

I hope everyone's staying on their plan this weekend and being good to themselves.

Goals

Here are my rewards in 5 lb increments:

I started out at 164.6 sooooo......

159.6- new workout outfit

154.6- full body massage

149.6- new workout shoes

144.6- New Swimsuit

This is where it gets scary because I've always sabotaged myself when I get to 140.  Sometime about being under 140 scares me. 

139.6-  new workout outfit

134.6- new workout outfit

Goal 130- Digital Camera or IPod speakers