Fighting Temptation

I find it incredible just how weak I feel sometimes in regards to being in control of my eating. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, or how hard I'm working; some days, the feeling of temptation basically knocks me over.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't acted out on any of my temptations, which is particularly hard over Easter. What is strange? I'm actually not a huge chocolate eater. For someone who started out at nearly 100kgs, it might be a bit of a shock. No, I would eat it if it was there of course, but it wasn't my temptation of choice. My temptation? Fast food.

At first it was every so often. I would drive home and happen to pass a McDonalds, and it was just so easy. Living at home at the time, my parents scolded me for my impulse buying - we're making dinner soon! What do you need that for? I laughed, told them it was just a snack, no need to worry. It turned into a couple of times a week. Then every other night.

I think what started to worry me, was when I started hiding it. I became so embarrassed that I would hide the purchases in bags and sneak them upstairs, to scoff without anybody noticing. I would wait until my parents went out, and dial a pizza, praying that the delivery guy would get here before my parents returned. I would deliberately stay back at work, so that I could justify grabbing a "late" dinner on the way home.

God, it feels scary to type that. Just hearing about the kind of person I have been, makes me really, really disappointed in myself.

Then came the comparisons - the girl at work who eats take away food nearly every night and still looks great. Well, if she looks great and eats that way, it must be alright for me to do it too. And plus, I exercise! She doesn't! It'll all be fine! At one stage, I was sussing out the entire staffroom of people at work, seeing what people were eating, how heavy they looked, estimating their weight. Why didn't I see the signs then?

But I digress, back to temptation, today.

I've been alone most of this Easter weekend - the perfect time for the old me to dial a pizza, or take a trip to the take away shop. The perfect time to buy a couple of blocks of chocolate, and wash them down with chocolate milk. The perfect time for not having to hide, and therefore, going crazy with food. For what reason? I have no idea. It certainly wasn't hunger. In a way, it felt like the thrill of not being caught, of being able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

I'm feeling stronger now, for whatever reason. I was given bundles of chocolate from both my brother and partner, which I thanked them for and then returned to them. They understood, which was fantastic. And you know what? I don't really regret it at all. I've made sure I've eaten breakfast and lunch. I've resisted the urge (tonight especially) to dial up and order a cheese pizza, which I could easily finish in a bout of frenzied eating. Easily. But instead of picking up the phone? I'm sitting here.

I'm reading other people's stories, their successes. I'm sharing their frustration at not going anywhere on the scales. I'm sharing their joys in losing pounds, or kilos, or clothing sizes. I love it. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in all of this, even if everyone else is just a random stranger elsewhere in the world.

And that's why tonight I am fighting temptation. I'm heading to the fridge, and I'm going to cook myself something satisfying to satiate my hunger. I CAN fight temptation. Even if a part of me somewhere is still craving that pizza. I can do this. I can.

Keep on fighting!

Wow! You sound like you're in a really good place in your head! That's brilliant. My Easter isn't panning out quite so well. But I am having a planned day off from the diet. Tomorrow I'll be back to it with a vengeance.

I hope your dinner was great.

All the best.

Well done

and keep it up.  I identify a lot into your behaviour especially in the pathetic hiding of things - when I was in Australia I was staying with these fantastic uncle and aunt and I used to sneak in bags of bite-size mars and kit kat and anything really and hide them so that I could eat the whole bag, at times in one sitting.  It is very sad. Here at home, I would hide the empty wrappers or take them in my bag to throw them out outside the house so that no one would notice. Sad Sad Sad.  I still fall for chocolate at times but I have changed the sad behavour at least. I got given a medium sized ferrero rocher 2 weeks ago which I just ate but on Friday I got given this huge BACI box which I'm determined to give out tomorrow when I go invigilate computer exams - each student finishing the exam will get a Baci for his/her efforts.

I also emphatise your frustration, sometimes anger, at the unfairness of these girls who eat eat and eat and don't move at all but still don't gain anything and are stick thin. Must have some hyper metabolism in their family which they inherited - I inherited my huge hips instead,  how unfair is that?

As you said, EP is great in sharing stories and experiences. I must say that if it hadn't been for EP this weight loss experience would have been like many others which I would abandon after the first disappointment. AT least, until now I'm still on my way.

Good luck.

good for you

ya know what - good on you for coming here and bloggin instead of ordering that pizza.  that is definitely a positive change you've made!  i don't know if you guys have the same options available over there in terms of frozen foods, but i find that when i get a pizza craving, there are several healthy options of the frozen variety that i find completely satisfying - of course the serving sizes are smaller than ordering a pizza, but i find that it does feed the craving and i don't feel deprived any longer which is KEY for success; if i ever feel deprivation for too long it usually turns into a binge. 

anyway, if you do have those, i haven't tried the french bread variety, but i recommend any of the deep dish ones whole heartedly and the brick-oven style are pretty good if you want a crispier crust.  i've heard the roasted veggie one is good too and have been meaning to pick one up.  of course, you can always make your own healthy pizza too, but that's a bit more work!  :)

welcome to extrapounds!