Well, it's been afew days....I have some real worries and I just get my mind to relax...We are in a financial mess - I know it is temporary and emergencies happen but I am so scared...in a nutshell - I have no idea how we are going to live until next paycheck - two weeks - the washer is broke, the tv is broke, the bill for flooding had to be paid, my son's school bill had to be paid and now I have no idea where gas and grocery $$ is going to come from and then all these other things need to be taken care of by the end of next week...hubby ssays, these are just one time bills we will be fine once we get thru September...yea, right and exactly how do we get thru September? I am SO praying to God but He has helped so much in the past what else is there for Him to do? You struggle and struggle and just get by but then doesn't there come a point where you just drown because there is nothing else that can be done? I just don't get it - we are not fancy people, we do not spend over our limit (don't use credit cards, etc.) we just live our lives and just can't get ahead...I see all these other people getting ahead - what are we doing wrong? There has to be a way to break even - why can't we find it? I am so focused on this that I haven't really been organized with my diet - I have been exercising but that is just due to trying to expel some of my nerves and food is ok but I am not really watching what I am eating - mainly because there is no real food in the house and if there is I make sure the kids get it - of course they have no idea what's going on - Thank God! so at least they are still their happy go lucky selves - OH! to be a kid again! I know there is no real solutions immediately but just thought that if I journaled all this some of my stress would go away.
Well, the faculty meeting was today - all I have to say is WHAT A BUNCH OF FREAKING PHONIES!!! What did I expect? For these women to all of a sudden be productive and sincere? NOT! Anyways, it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would - must be that I am used to it more than I thought I was... Doing real well today on points - finished that bottle of wine yesterday I had - and promptly became sick - I can not drink at all - so I have decided I am not even going to bother - my body will thank me...still debating what to do about weigh-ins after my fiacso - I think I will do my weigh ins on Wednesdays from now on... Not much else going on - I can't wait until Thursday - PAYDAY! We literally have not a dime to our name - thank God I am creative when it comes to meals! I am trying to figure out how to get a walk in today since I have to go back to work tonight and take my dd to basketball. I probably should go right now since I have an hour but I am so tired from working all day.. I have to start walking in the early mornings like I used to. I am so strangely calm today - I think it is because I started saying the rosary again in the mornins when I wake up - stopped for awhile because I was so depressed and overwhelmed but I realized this morning - life might not of been any better when I did say it but it seemed I managed alot better - so I began again....
Well, I did so good at the clambake and I (for some unknown reason) purposely (basically) forced myself to eat a candy bar, a hostess pie, and 2 glasses of wine. What the hell is wrong withme? I told myself I really didn't want them and I really didn't enjoy them - not because of the guilt - I just really didn't want them! I am really pissed at myself - like I would be pissed if I was mad that my dh did something that made me mad. I even went for an extra walk yesterday to offset the clams with butter I had at the clambake which I included in my points for the day yesterday. Such a waste for me - THAT is NOT going to happen again - lots to do this week - faculty meeting tomorrow, district meeting on Tuesday, and then the last of the classroom organization and next week after Labor Day - it's a new year....excited to see my new students, not excited to work with the nasties....such is life
I have two choices with this depression I can let it swallow me whole or I can fight until I ain't got anything left - well, I am fighting - my kids need me (even though they act like jackasses half the time), I am so miserable now that anything else has to feel better, an most important, I really hate feeling this way. Not sure how I am going to do this but I am going to start out trying to make positive thoughts when I feel like I am getting down - it might feel fake at the start but that is what my life feels like now so why not make it a positive fake instead of feeling so negative and out of it... Well, one neighbor is moving tomorrow and the other neighbor is getting married...and then there is us - a quiet weekend - a clam bake, I am going to go bake to Church and see if God still wants me enough to show a knuckle head like me that I am important ...the diet scene? I am still plugging alon...I am still SO determined to lose weight - something got screwed up - I think I really do weigh 180 and not 174 like I thought - it's depressing here I thought I was doing so well now it's like starting over...
weighed myself again and it said 183 - wtf? I was 174 last week? How long does water weioght from TOM stay? I also weighed myself at the health office at school and it said 183. What hapened did I screw up or something with my original weighing? I feel disguisted right now - where do I go from here? I DID call the doctor because I woke up this am so overwhelmingly depressed I realized I really can't do this on my own... I am SO confused.... well going to the doctor tomorrow..so we shall see
by - last two days I lengthened my walk - not by much - but it is longer. My TOM 9 pd. gain is decreasing each day - I just hope all the weight goes because if it doesn't then that means I actually gained weight this time - don't know how that could of happened. I am feeling a bit more alive today..not as depressed but not my usual self - doubt I am going to see that person for awhile. I decided not to call the doctor for meds. I am too nervous about weight gain. We are absolutely broke until Tuesday - I feel terrible about that - but what can you do... work is the same - absolutely nothing exciting....I'll go in tomorrow for a bit but I am blowing off Friday...I'll clean the house and stuff and have a long weekend - long it will be with no $$$. LOL Next week is going to be HECTIC - I have meetings, and have to finish my classroom - my boss doesn't give us a class list until AFTER the parents have the list - she doesn't want us to tattle to the parents before the letter gets sent home - such a nice Catholic strust system we have going there! NOT! Anyways that back my paperwork up. My 13 year old is again acting like an asshole - attitude like no tomorrow - I am really fed up with him. Finished getting rid of the rest of the ruined drywall out of the basement, TV is going on us, and we are down to mac and cheese for dinner...wow! I really must be feeling better because I am not as depressed as I probably should be....Oh well....
ok Ladies, I FEEL THE LOVE!!! I must be bi-polar or something either that or I wanted the attention....because after reading your posts - I am still in fightin' mode - in fact I feel more like fighting this - I am so freaking scared though because I am worried that the urge to fight will leave again...I know, one day at a time - I think that it is a sign that I just am desperated to lose this weight....called the doctor and of course they are not open today (????that IS wierd!) so keep bugging me to call. I know he is going to want to put me on something and we usually decide what together depending on what is going on in my life - Yes, About once every 18 months I do need to go on soemthing for a while to fight the depression/anxiety. I just don't know if I want to this time because anti-depressants make me gain weight - anybody have any ideas of ones that do NOT make a person gain weight? About changing jobs - well tried that and look what happened ...I know it is not in me to leave this year because I committed and subbing is not for me - need the steady paycheck but I really do not think I will teach there next year...so I have a whole year to do something about this...My dream would be to just leave NYS but that I know will never happen - hubby would NOT go and kids just got settled in their new schools, etc. So I have to think of an alternative.... Not to go all religious on everybody but this is really testing my faith....Up until about 2 weeks ago I prayed everyday and then when I didn't get the job I sort of stopped because I thought I realized that prayer was created by humans and was just a worldy comfort not one that really helped at all...kind of babyish to think that way - so I am trying to overcome that but I just feel sometimes that God is waiting there in heaven for us but when we're here on Earth we are on our own and he doesn't interfere...who knows....I am just rambling again!!! Thanks for everyone's support - as I said before I am here and gonna keep fighting until the little men in white jackets come for me!
I am slipping into a serious depression I think - I just feel REALLY discouraged....I only stayed at work for about an hour because it was so depressing..I am trying so hard to put things into perspective but there feels like there is something in me working againest me...I can not understand it...I am calling the doctor again today..right after this... I snap at the kids for no reason at all...also my weight went down a bit but not much so now I am feeling like it is a lost cause and I am spending more and more time thinking about not dieting and just staying at the weight I am at..nobody would really notice anyway one way or the other and I am still able to move around ok. I just don't know what to do..it seems everybody here is getting their sh%$#t together and I am falling in the other direction.... So girls, pull me back on the wagon before it takes off on me....
I ended up weighing myself but I think TOM really did a number or I screwed up the scale or something - it said 9 pound gain ?????? Something is really off there - There is absolutely no way I could of really gained that much....I am going to weigh myself for the next couple days to see what I come up with and decide from there. I am not to bummed - it just gave me more resolve to work even harder... I WANT THIS WEIGHT LOSS so bad - I am so tired of being so fat!! So I was REALLY OP today and I did a lot of physical labor - I did quite a bit last week too - exercising that is... Going back to the classroom was depressing because I wasn't excited - saw the same old aholes with their phony attitudes. Oh I teach fifth grade = love the kids at that age. My boss just said hello and then fell all over her cronies and pretended my partner and I weren't even there... I have absolutely no respect for that woman (and she is a nun....she acts real Christian = not!~ more like a high school girl trying to get into the "cool" click!) Thank God I just keep my mouth shut and do my job because if I ever said what I thought to her I would definitely NOT have a job right now! Anyways, my goals are this week :Exercise this week, figure out what is my real weight, and to try to snap out of this work depression!
Well, I am a bit sad today - my sister is still here - yesterday was ok but I realized a few things yesterday about myself - my family teases me and thinks I am funny - that bothers me ??? Anyways, I had a bottle of wine with my siter (I RARELY drink) and that led to problems for me - I got depressed and then ate 3 of those fat dough cookies with lots of frosting...its not bad in itself ...it's just that I really did not need or want them - the wine loosened my inhibitions and I was depressed so I ate them and on top of that I ate them as fast as I could when no one was in the kitchen and then I had to tell hubby because he thought the kids ate all that sugar. He didn't care - he said I deserved it because I was taking such good care of myself lately and needed a treat. So why is it bothering me? Between my period and those cookies I probably blew my weigh in tomorrow and I don't think I have uilt myself up strong enough for a bad weigh in..on top of that at the mall yesterday I gave in to a spur of the moment urge and got my haircut completely different - twice! AThe first time the lady screwed it up and the second time the manager hacked it all off with a razor blade (some new method that backfired obviously on me!) So, last night I went to bed completely defeated! I am going to fight this depression because I have to go to work part time tomorrow and that is not the happiest place to be for me!
